Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi there,

I am newly married…about 9 months now. I dated my husband for 4 years before we got married. When we first met, we were both crazy about each other and I found him VERY attractive. He is a very good looking guy and when I met him his weight was normal. As the years went by he gained quite a bit of weight. He is not fat, but definetly stalky or pudgy.

I’ve also gained a little bit of weight, but most people would still consider me slim (I just need to tone a bit). My husband and I both recognize that we both have gained weight (him WAY more than me) and need to work on it, however, he never makes an effort.

The little bit of weight I have gained doesn’t seem to bother him at all. He still considers me physically attractive.

I feel bad saying this, but I honestly am not physically attracted to him anymore. This may sound superficial because its not all about looks, but I can’t help the fact that I am only attracted to good looking guys with a decent physique.

Has anyone gone through this? How do you deal with it?

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

Both of you get a subscription to bally asap!

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

i would suggest making an effort together. why don't you both join the gym?

it's so much harder to do something like this on your own.

you may be slim but it doesn't mean you're fit, so you can work on that.

i know someone in a similar position but she's pretty lazy, she'd never start any kind of fitness regime, so in my opinion she can't really expect her hubby to be any different.

and just as a general question, did your husband know you were attracted to him because of this? my husband and i both very definitely have a 'type' and we both knew how important the physical side was right from when we met. it's been 6 years now (since we met) and neither of us have physically changed very much and we hope to keep it this way for as long as poss.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

I've not gone through this, but I've heard of people going through it. Physical attraction plays a big part (excuse the punn, not intentional!) in any relationship (well most esp those where it's less arranged and more based on love to begin with). Over time the theory is you grow deeper in love, you fall in love with other areas of your partners personality however I guess for you it maybe different if you've already dated and done the whole 'getting to know the other half well' thing.
My suggestion is if you both feel the weight it an issue, you both should support each other in losing weight. Set goals for each other-give each other the support the other needs rather than what you need.
Rediscover the person you fall for. Do this by 'dating' each other again. Do the things you use to do back then.

Some marriages do 'fizzle' with time but there's no hard or fast rules on how to stop that from happening. I do think a couple who works hard at a relationship gets more out of it, so turn the negatives into positives and get back on course to a relationship where you found your partner attractive.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

^ I agree.
You two need to support each other in this. Instead of completely thinking "there's no use cuz I don't find him physically attractive", u need to start thinking of the time when u did find him physically attractive and try n get him back to that shape. Marriage is not a game and something as small as a partner gaining weight should not be the reason for ppl to fall apart.
You guys can join gym together. This will give u some quality time with him and u will be working toward what u want at the same time. U also need to make sure to watch his diet since I am sure u r the one that cooks for him or is with him mostly when he eats.
Sometimes, ppl tend to let themselves go when they get too comfortable with their significant other. You need to remind him that he cannot do that. Motivate him to work out and watch wat he eats.
Good Luck! =)

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Agree with Stoppit.

Along with exercise, diet also plays a role. If your eating habits are unhealthy, you could make some changes in that area....implement healthier cooking habits, curb the junk food, etc. It's not going to be effective if you do the work out and then gain all the calories you worked off by eating an unhealthy meal.

Exercise together. Join a gym.....or go for a walk/jog in your spare time (evenings or weekends). Maybe get some exercising equipment for the home. At least your husband has the awareness that he needs to get back in shape.....it would be tougher if he was complacent and defensive about the matter.

I can understand that it's easier said than done, but try to adopt a little flexibility......because as you grow older it requires more work to stay in shape....stress can lead to weight gain......various health problems and even medications can cause it....you yourself might find it harder to get back into shape after having kids. These are some things that you may go through in the future....and should be considered. This is not to invalidate the importance of maintaining yourself physically.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

I've heard this from many other people as well. You can change things around. However, don't think of this too much like don't keep repeating to yourself that you don't find him attractive and start comparing him with other men...that's dangerous and not fair. Just take charge, tell him to lose weight for his health's sake. And start working out..together. Everything will be back to normal in no time!

8

Very nicely and honestly put. :)

Let me ask.

How much did he really gain compared to before marriage?

How much did you gain?

Can he lose weight?

*If he loses weight, will you get attracted to him again?
*
There are so many women who gain phenomenal amount of weight after marriage and still men love them.

*I am not sure if this is all about weight. *

Being overweight brings other issues like sweating, skin fold problems and even many obese or overweight people could be very sexually attractive if they keep these issues in mind... the hygiene.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

The best way u can get ur message across is to lead by example...start cooking healthier, working out etc.

Im sure he will appreciate tha tmuch more than just being told to lose weight on his own!

10

Yes.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

I'm not trying to make excuses, but realistically we don't have time to join a gym. We both spend roughly 4 hours a day in commute so we can never be home before 7:30 p.m. Although there is not much time left for working out, I'd be willing to give it a try. He refuses to join a gym because he says that if we can't even make time to do excercises at home then we wont ever make time for the gym so why waste money. He wants me to prove I'll do it at home first. I've tried to get him to do it at home but he is always too tired or not in the mood. I am also usually exhausted beyond belief from my 4 hour commute and long work day that when I get home I just want to go to sleep.

We do eat out a lot, partly because we get home so late that there isnt enough time to cook. I eat dinner at my mom's a lot because of this too.

I tried to get him to go running. He did the first time but he injured his back 2 years back and it has not been the same since then. He cant even run now because of the extreme pain he feels in his back and legs. Last time we went running, I was running ahead of him and all he could do was walk behind me. He uses his back injury as an excuse not to excercise as well. I'm sure there must be certain excercises he can do, that won't hurt his back.

One of the main issues is we dont have time because we live so far from where we work. We live in his parent's house...in the basement. He wants to live here to save money. He refuses to rent a place that would be closer for my work and his as well because he does not beleive in renting. He is not ready to buy a house either. I don't know how much longer I can take this 4 hour a day commute....it is hindering everything in my life. I am always tired that I don't have time or energy to work out and if I don't do it, he will never do it as well. He is quite lazy as well....all he ever wants to do is watch his t.v. shows, movies or play video games.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

^ I don't blame him, after a long commute....who has energy/time to do anything...trust me, I've dealt with long commutes since i started college and moving closer to work isn't realistic for us either...

it seems like the biggest problem is the commute/lifestyle......

were u aware of this arrangement before you married him? that you wlil have to live in his parents' house until you're able to buy a home?

if he doesn't believe in renting, are u anywhere close to buying a home?

can you change jobs?

most of the time its not just more food htat contributes to weight gain but many other factors that make it harder to be healthy.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

Join the gym? Why are you guys suggesting easy way out, kharchaa.com? Joining the gym is suppose to fix ALL their problems?

Candy,

Does he find you attractive? Turn off the lights, try it.

2nd, change some of the food you feed him.

Take him walking?

Agar ye sub nahi hota, gym bhi nahi join hoti, walking ke leye bhi time nahi hai aur ye ITNAAAAAA BARA masla bhi hai tou phir talaq option tou khulaa hai?

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

There is always time to work out and to cook. question is how do you plan ahead for menus, and when do you workout.

one example. I have a stationary cycle in the guest room, if nothing else, I would just jump on it while watching TV . The deal is, I only get to watch the show as long as I am on the bike, commercials breaks are a pain in the rear because thats when i do the high intensity cycles a couple of times.

second, find a gym close to where you work, what you will find is that if you go to the gym right after work, and then leave after working out, not being stuck i rush hour traffic actually buys you time.

lastly, if time during the week is tough, then make the most of weekends, work out Friday eve, saturday and sunday, and then just figure out one more day during the week where you will work out. pick wednesday for example.

cooking wise, eating healthy is not a huge challenge if you plan ahead. easiest thing is to start eliminating empty calories in sodas, sweets etc.

now as far as your husband goes, back injury can prevent a lot of things, so it may not be an 'excuse' that he cant run, and he does need to find activities that he can do.

what I suggest is that you guys get physicals done, and talk to your physicians about what they suggest, coming from a third party may help, also if it is phrased as taking care of yourselves while you are young so as you age you dont have issues that many people face, and that you are healthy parents in future to enjoy your kids activities etc etc.

I think time is the least of your challenges, communication on this topic seems to be pretty big issue and also some discipline and planning around physical activity.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

Sara - Unfortunately I can't change jobs. The type of job I am in will always only be situated in dowtown Toronto. We live in a suburb close to it, mainly the commute is long because of traffic and the pathetic subway system in Toronto, not because of the actual distance from our city to Toronto. The commute times in Toronto are actually the highest in the world when compared to other big cities like New York, Tokyo etc....there was some study done on this a while back. sigh

Jaan leva - yes he does. Even if I gained weight, he would always find me attractive...he's a guy. I think it's easier for guys to remain attracted to their wives then the other way around.

Changing the foods I feed him is definetly something I need to work on. The problem is I dont get much time to cook so either we eat at my mom's house (she cooks healthy) or we eat what his mom makes (she cooks unhealthy most of the time....hence almost his entire family is pudgy or fat).

X2 - I totally agree with the planning ahead part. We've been extremely busy so it hasnt happened but I'd like to start cooking for the week on weekends or do the working on at that time. With all due respect though, I don't agree with your point that time is not an issue. When you spend 4 hours a day in commute and 8 hours at work...that leaves you with max 3-4 hours in the evening when you get home...it's not much to work with.

I do agree with your point about physicals. I am always tired...perhaps I have chronic fatique syndrom? I'm not sure...

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so 8 hrs at work, 2 hrs there 2 hrs back, 12 hours? I am not trying to dismiss your time constraint, but that is not too bad. working couples who have kids get even less time, with time needed by the kids in the morning and the evening, and those in busier careers put in more hours at work, even if their commute is shorter.

The point is that its never easy, you have to make time. if you have 4 hours in the evening, 30 mins twice a week is not too bad, thats 1 hour out of 20 free hours during the workweek. do the rest on the weekend

I have done the almost 2 hr commute 1:45 each way and longer hours, working across time zones so even taking conf calls after coming home, and then i had shorter commutes and less timezone issues. Travel that saw me in 3 other cities every week for months, and periods of long workhours where I was in the office 10-12 hours a day.

while some circumstances lend themselves to a better schedule for workout, hobbies, etc, the big differentiator was nothing more than motivation. when i was motivated, i would find time, when i was not i would not..scheduling was a secondary thing

Not looking down at you here, I know unhealthy eating, gaining weight, time constraints, I dealth with them too but then decided to prioritize..the biggest casualty of that was TV, better choices for food, cooking healthier at home more often, better choices eating out, and just squeezing exercise in there. Key is you have to find activities u guys enjoy e.g. I hate running, despise it, hated it in uni when i had to run as part of physical fitness, especially indoor running on treadmills..but put me on a soccer field, squash or racquetball court and i will play until I collapse. find out what your husband likes, maybe its swimming, maybe its tennis..

as nike says

just do it

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

oh btw..u guys do realize that physically you will change with aging even if you maintain ideal weight?

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

^ Yes, and I'm terrified of aging...lol. My husband is the opposite. He claims he will still find me attractive when we are old.

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

^You sound like a very hard working, sensible person. I know you mentioned that you guys live in his parents basement that is 2 hours away from work and doesn't give you time for much else. But right now, it seems that if you guys don't take the issue for what it is worth, things can quickly deteriorate. It seems like you guys already have enough stress in your lives.

I don't know if you two are paying his parents any rent. What I do know is that in about a $1000 you can find a one-bedroom apartment on the outskirts of downtown Toronto. If you're willing to sacrifice on quality a bit, it can get cheaper than that too (and maybe a 2-bedroom appartment). Bloor Village is a good area. Areas around Ossington, Christie, Dufferin aren't all that great, but won't take you longer than half hour to get to work and rent is cheap. You can also try the donlands area. You have options and you might be approaching the time where it may become necessary to change things around to keep yourselves and marriage sane - if other alternatives are not working.

All the best!

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Re: Don't find spouse attractive anymore?

One thing I will tell you straight off the bat is that if you want him to lose weight...you will have to do it with him. Its hard for one person to lose weight if the other isnt into it. Why? Because the other person is slim and can afford a few extra pounds while the other isnt and no one is pushing them to do anything about it. When you live as a couple, eating healthy and losing weight becomes a family and joint effort.

He can do plenty of things that dont hurt his back and if his back hurts him that much he might want to see a chiro to make sure nothing else is wrong.

He can bike, he can do pilates which is excellent for weight loss, he should be able to run (I know people who have back issues and they run), etc. There are back strengthening exercises he can do too.

The point is, if you want things to change...you will have to put your foot down and turn your lifestyle around once and for all.