Hmm i have this problem.At first i thought that it is once in a while thing and wont happen again but unfortunately it does.The thing is people love to reject me.And no i am not talking about marriage proposals.I am a stay at home mom of 2 and my life is quite okay on other fronts but as far as friends are concerned,people just act strange towards me.
I live in Europe and i came here more than 5 years ago after my marriage.Since i had no family and friends here,i desperately wanted to make friends and increase my sociall life but the end result is i could not be able to make many friends.Even the friends i am talking about are not very close.My hubby is very busy during the week days and has only one desire to stay at home on weekends.So he doesnt really care if there are not too many people to hand around.but i do.
I have met very interesting people over the years but after a meeting or two they will make excuses or just back out.And i have thought over and over again but i just could not find what went wrong.Even though when ever we met,all the talk was about other party so it was not like i was boring them to death about my life issues.I am baffled.The meetings we had was a lot of fun and laughter etc but than bam.They disappear.
All i really wanted was a good friend but apparently people just dont really care for me.I wonder why does it happen to you guys specailly to the girls who got married outside Pakistan.This post may sound pathetic but i am really interested in knowing other people experiances.
If this happens continuously, do you think that maybe you said/did something that put them off? I know when i get too comfortable iwth people, i get a little relaxed and mke silly jokes..or i get nervous and say something stupid, and bam...done. the best thing to do in this situation is to look inwards.. and stop trying so hard.
Can you be a bit more specific about the circumstances? Where do you meet the people and what types of gatherings are they? And what type of gatherings do they back out of?
It could just be a cultural difference thing. I think europe is pretty similar to US and both are very different from Pak as far as socializing. In the west, people never (or very rarely) just drop in on each other. Visits are maybe an hour or a few hours in most cases and are always pre-arranged. Same with overnight guests. And people with children dont have alot of spare time so they tend to keep to themselves much more than they do in Pak.
How old are your little ones? Maybe give us some more details and we can help you come up with a plan to enlarge your social circle. Dont give up yet!
Try to be as positive as possible, people dont like to be around sadness.
Always look your best.
Do NOT talk about your marriage in a negative light. Unless these people are willing to donate blood to you, never talk about your marriage problems - if there are any.
If you are in USA - then it's very normal even if people don't have anything to do - they still prefer to be ALONE, although in their heart they desire company. - strange =(
The only place you can find company is while you are in school and college. Once you are out - then you just have to skip the idea that you will ever have RELIABLE friends who you can talk to - day in and day out.
that's why I like to hang out at GS. There is a sense of "connection" here.
Actually some of my good friends are from outside of school/college. most of the ones i made while i wasin college turned out to be not so good friends
^actually Sara you are right too - most of my school "friends" were just not good - when I look in the long term. Cause what - we only talked about who's got crush on who! DHU!
nothing beyond that. So ye school "friends" are not so real friends after all =( but I enjoyed my time with them - so I guess they were friends out of a given "circumstance" -lol
Its only natural that if people want to socialize, they do it with people who they have much in common with. It may be people going to college together, it may be new parents whose littles are around the same age, it may be parents of older kids who join the PTA together, or even just the "playground moms" or the "soccer moms" whose kids are on the same team. There are many ways to meet people who share the same interests but even then, the amount of socializing in the west as compared to Pak is much, much less.
thanks a lot guys for your input.i really appreciate it and i can feel some of you somewhat feels the same that its difficult to make friends here as compared to pakistan.i once met a woman on plane who lived in Dubai and i was kind of impressed that she lives in dubai where there is a huge pakistani community as compared to where i live and making friends would be no problem at all.she seemed very well educated and apparently from a upper middle pakistani class type(i guess).but even her answer was that no i dont have many people around to hang out with.it was infact her new year resoultion for 2009 to make new friends.usually people she meet would be very nice and than never come across again.
so i think i should think about what is wrong that i am doing.i have met at least 3 people who were the same age as me,mothers usually who apparently have great time with me and than tends to disappear.some i met in my kids school,some in other kiddie places etc.my kids are 4 and 1 respectively(somebody asked that)
i guess i should think about it in this way.a very old friend of mine once told me that it is not necessary to have best friends just because you are outside your country.there are many many people in pakistan who dont have any dear friends.and there might be people in alaska who are pakistani and might lead a very good social life.so in the end it might be all kismet connection.
I live in england, and i live in a community where there arent many pakistanis but we have a very close community every weekend is busy and my mum holds coffee mornings for ladies once a week where they can completely relax and the kids are at school.
I think the main thing is dont expect too much the more you expect the more dissapointed you will be, yes visits are pre arranges but it doesnt matter make the most of them talk about general light topics, also play an active role...my mum meets lots of people while they are out shopping and talks to them and then makes friends with them and calls them to dinner, dont wait for people to come to you.
these days its hard to have people around unless bothpartners make a lot of effort. If i guess how many times guests visit me in a whoel year,it wud be 3-4 times.
There could be various reasons. Sometimes people are sincerely busy. Other times the prefer to be alone. You might have thought that the friendship was compatible, but the other person might not have felt a connection to you. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It's just the other person's preference. If there is a consistent pattern of friends disappearing on you, then you might have to evaluate your behavior and contemplate over whether you are unknowingly doing or saying something to offend the other person.
Continue being your positive self. A positive attitude attracts friends. Understand that people have their commitments and may not socialize with you regularly. Don't expect too much from others......your risk yourself getting hurt. Be careful of who you trust. The seemingly nicest people can STAB you in the back and betray your trust. It's great that you encourage the other person to talk about themselves.......but you don't want them to think that you don't have any opinions or a life of your own. So.......while encouraging them to talk of their lives......also share about yourself, background, interests, positive things.
Sometimes people can ditch you out of jealousy and insecurity. Don't let that get to you. It's their issues. And it's not be your headache!
Look for people with similar interests and backgrounds. If you're a mom with kids, then you might have a better understanding/friendship with a woman in the same boat. You can plan one day in the week for you and your friends to hang out. It could be at the house or in a coffee shop. You can do an all girls movie night once a month or every couple of weeks. You can even do a book club meeting where you and the girls read the same book and meet to discuss it.
Something that I see very clearly now is that my boys are older and more independent. When they were younger, I was truly overwhelmed - no babysitter, no family nearby, no household help. So whether I truly wanted friends or not, it really wasnt possible for me because I had my hands overfilled with so much to do. This is the case with many stay-at-home moms I think. Now that I have 2 in school full time I have just naturally started making friends and I really do have the time now to enjoy them for a little bit of time each week.
here in western countries its not easy to hang out with friends...
there are several reasons
1. most of them working and on weekend they have to do their own chores.
2. pplz live at far distant .... thats why theirs visit are pre-arranged
3.pplz have cold behaviour ... and not warm and friendly as they are in pak..
^ i agree with the third point although there are few exception too.and i believe although i can be wrong is that people are also a bit hesitant to make friends with a lady who has dark hair and dark eyes.they may not say it but i think racism does play a part too.
^ i don't think so .... at least for me once appearance does not matter to me at all...
but if you think so then go and dye your hairs and wear colored contact eye lances...lol
and make sure if it is so.......lolz
what do these other girls do? do they work or are housewives themsevles?
sometimes, its very difficult to find time to meet someone else.. even though u may really want to, it can hard..
I work full-time and hardly ever get a chance to meet friends.. weekends end up being taken by family so it gets very hard... I'll meet someone really nice and prob want to catch-up with them again, but managing a kid and work, can get hard..
Why dont u get their number or something and give them a call urself rather than waiting for them to come around... you could also organise a small dinner at ur place and have them over.. that may help in growing the freindship...
instead of waiting for someone else to make the first move, how about u do something :) that always works for moi...
here in western countries its not easy to hang out with friends...
there are several reasons
1. most of them working and on weekend they have to do their own chores.
2. pplz live at far distant .... thats why theirs visit are pre-arranged
3.pplz have cold behaviour ... and not warm and friendly as they are in pak..
thats a nasty assumption... the first 2 points i agree with but the 3rd is just silly and a huge generalisation..
no actually i agree to it somewhat.he specifically wrote as compared to pakistan and i agree to it.i guess any body will agree to that.somebody else mentioned it above too.people here are generally quite hard in their ways,they usually dont have such carefree approach to things or in other words way of life as desi people do.you know the whole east verses west issue does have some value in it.
and yes i have asked people to come over etc but usually people just back out.and yes i agree that people are busy but what to do about somebody who will say lets meet on 9th and than email on 8th sorry cant meet too busy.