If you were divorced and with a child, how did you transition out from divorced and getting support from friends and family to be completely on your own? If you have a child, then support from family tends to be the situation because you need some assistance going from whatever bad married state you were in to a more stable state. You might not have been earning money and now you have a job but it’s not enough to get your own place or you don’t have the confidence to do it yet, if you have the money.
If you’re single and supporting yourself, desi girls are close to our family and tend to be conservative, how did you transition from being close to family to moving into a place and on your own? Unless you get married, getting less close to family doesn’t happen or that transition for the most part doesn’t happen. These are cases where family is in the same country.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
I have seen scores of desi girls even very religious ones live on their own the doctor I mentioned in my previous thread lives by herself and also the pharmacist as they are in different cities from parents Why do you ask?
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
How old are these women? Are they past the marriageable age whatever that is that desis hold as the prime marriage age? I was just wondering if there were conservative, traditional ones in this forum that have personal experience leaving the family, leaving the nest and are living on their own even if they’re close to their family and the family lives in the same city or state.
I’ve personally never seen it except for one that is in her 40s and never married but her mother died when she was a child so she has always been very independent. It’s always been that the girl even if she’s divorced waits for a man to marry her in order to separate away from her family and live without them. It’s rare!!!
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
The doctor girl had moved away for studies and then she got residency in a different city same province, the other girl is a Pharmacist and moved 3 hrs away, another is occupational therapist and moved 3 hrs away. Doctors and occupational therapist come from very religious families. People may live together if environment eis not restrictive, abusive, toxic and regressive. My son moved for studies at 18 and it really is a very maturing experience. These girls moved away in low to mid-twenties.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
OP, i have come across girls that moved away and lived on their own,only for study purposes. Once the studies are over, they come back to the parents. Have seen cases where they are offered very lucrative jobs/careers but not allowed to pursue it on the notion that work/career is not something for which you can live alone somewhere else. i disagree with this though.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
^^^ See in our culture, we don’t usually see single/divorced women living on their own. If they do, it’s only for studies or to get some work experience. Only the super courageous, that are used to it do that and eventually move back closer to family. No wonder we just wait for a guy to marry us so we can finally leave any attachments with family.
But is this more of a semi permanent scenario or is it only temporary just until their parents find a guy for them so they can finally settle down. If they are Pakistani, then they are more of the exception rather than something that will be common, don’t you think?
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
All the girls I know who moved away were professionals so maybe that is the difference. I think both girls and boys need to live on their own to grow up as adults. My boy moved for studies and I feel he matured so much in one year. Parents of two girls are very religious. Maybe girls need to be more assertive about what they want to do.
Two Pakistani sisters moved from Canada to Europe, father was very religious. Girls studied to be lawyers, they were very dark but gorgeous and Pakistanis didnt find them beautiful, they are now living with handsome goras who really appreciate them.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
Fitoor, I am a single mother but I live in Pakistan so not sure if my reply would be helpful.
I moved back with my mum after my marriage fell apart. I was finishing a degree and did not have a full time job then. Luckily, I found a good job back in my hometown and have been living with my mother. I have no plans of ever moving out lol.
I fail to understand why moving to your own place is so crucial in western culture.I am able to afford my own place and I have always been very independent and I lived away from home when I went to college but I don’t see why it is absolutely essential to live on your own.
I have a friend who is divorced with a child and she chose to live separately. She is constantly stressed out due to juggling work, home, finances and managing childcare.
I on the other hand enjoy all the comforts that come with living in your parents home, lol I am never worried about my daughter if I am late from work or working on weekends. Living wkth my mum gives me the oppurtunity to spend time with my mum. She is growing old and I love to take care of her.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
Of course I included single mothers with children in my opening comment.
Unfortunately, that’s how it’s seen in the western culture. It’s harder on men than women though but still even a woman living with her parents after a certain age is rare and so they leave the nest. The other divorced desi woman I know, her parents are not living with her even if she has a child because she can afford to buy her own home but I rarely see her at any desi events. It’s the culture here. I don’t know why I guess it’s to force them to be independent.
Life alone here can get lonely and plus for a woman, it’s added pressure because after she gets a job or she’s done with her education, desis ask, “so when is she getting married, didn’t she find anyone yet” or even nondesis, when they see a single female, the eventual question is “are you dating anyone or are you married?” If she is single, a morbid picture of a spinster woman in a bathrobe and slippers feeding her cats is seen.
Even while filing our taxes here, there is an incentive for married couples.
There’s always an emphasis that a woman should get married.
I’m pretty sure, family members ask you “Are you planning on getting married eventually??”. Are you made to feel out of place since most desis come with their husband or wife along with their kids showing how much they’re one big happy family?
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
@fitoor
I don’t think there is anything wrong with encouraging/pushing unmarried people(men and women) to get married. Intimacy and companionship are basic human needs and if they are not fulfilled through a legitimate halal relationship the people are going to start practising haram. Having said this, I do not believe anyone should ever be forced into a marriage.
As far as I am concerned, people have been pretty understanding, at least those in my close circle, and no one has made me feel uncomfortable. When and if I get married is solely my decision and no one has made me feel bad about being single or not actively looking.
It does make me feel sad to see married couples together with their kids but I don’t feel if they are showing off to make me feel hurt. My child will never grow up in a normal two parent household and it just breaks my heart to even think about it but this was something I had accepted when I decided to go ahead with the divorce.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
It’s not just desi culture. Most Pakistani/Bangladeshi are Muslims and Islamically a girl is under her father’s protection until she married and then goes under her husband’s protection. My sister in law’s are both professionals. The oldest is an optician and after qualifying she stayed with her parents while she was working and only moved away when she got married. The youngest has qualified as a dentist and also lives with parents while working. When she gets married she’ll go live with her husband. My youngest sister is single and is a HR Manager for a software company. She lives with my parents. They are all three religious and practising. They have their own cars and go out with friends regularly. It’s not like they are confined to the house.
One of my friends is divorced and has two boys and she lives with her parents because she has someone to help her with the kids. But she also gets to go out without kids and have a social life. She’s a doctor and practising Muslim.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
The west has created a society where the law and the society as a whole protect women and they don’t need husbands or fathers protections, Our VP is a female and all the big burly construction managers answer to her. She is so confident and would seem like she is the protector of her family. We often see tall handsome fit strong members of swat team rescue women from the abuses of the so-called protectors.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
Lol. You are living under an illusion.
1 in 3 women living in the US has been harassed at work. Most of them do not report it, why? Doesn’t the ’ western law and society’ offer them any protection before or support afterwards? Do you want me to bring up the stats for campus violence and date rape too?
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
They have very encompassing definitions of harassment here, one of my managers was fired for telling a joke someone thought was inappropriate. Now let us talk about the stats of the so-called protectors. What percent of women back home reported being abused by the protectors?
There was a case here where this girl invited this Muslim PHD student for a date, they had drinks together, she texted him that she wants to get physical with him, took him to her apartment went to bed with him and then charged him with rape and he got convicted. These my dear are date rapes.
There are millions of women living alone here, I have sold condos to hundreds of them and they didn’t seem to need protectors to live with or to sanction a major purchase.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
I moved out after I graduated from college to a city few hours away from my parents. I wanted to be more independent and was tired of being treated like a child at home. Due to many reasons, I was never emotionally close to my parents to moving out wasn’t hard for me. I had a part-time job throughout high school and college and saved most of it. So once I got my Bachelor’s, I had enough $ saved to move. Parents weren’t happy but they got over it.
Years later, when it was time for my 2 sisters to start college, parents were much more relaxed. We had been in the U.S. much longer so they weren’t freaked out by the idea of them moving out. So both my sisters attended college a few hours from my parents. 1 chose to live in the dorm. The other lived in a off-campus apartment with her friend. After graduating college, one sister moved back in with my parents and is currently working on her graduate degree. The other sister moved to a different state for her graduate degree. I have a female cousin who moved (alone) to Singapore to pursue graduate studies. I have another female cousin here in the U.S. who moved to a different state for her medical residency and has lived there along ever since (she finished her training 2 years ago and got a job at the same hospital). I know quite a few desi girls who have done the same.
I will add that every female I know who moved out are professionals who had a strong interest in pursuing graduate level degrees. These aren’t the type of girls who #1](http://gupshup.org/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) goal in life is to get married and raise children. They weren’t freaked out by the idea of being 25 and single.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
Well the tax benefits apply to both men and women. And in my experience interacting with desis AND non-desis, all these issues are the same for men. Even men are asked (by men and women) whether or not they’re dating someone. And if the guy does have a girlfriend, there is constant inquiry about whether he has started “ring shopping” or when he will “pop the question.” Men are not free from the pressures of settling down.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
@Bobby1 Abused by protectors? you mean domestic violence? Lots of women undergo abuse at the hands of their husbands here in Pakistan, how many of them end up in shelters like women in US, Zero. Because if it’s not husband then there are still parents who look after you.
As for the hundreds of women being forced by the western culture to ‘living alone safely in condos’ half of them say they do not feel safe walking alone home at night.
Re: Do single desi women live with family until marriage?
No one is forcing anyone to live alone, a woman making loads of money and who is financially, physically, emotionally secure and independent is a thousand time happier than the woman requiring approvals of the protectors who might slap them around occasionally. My friend Jessica goes to the gym on a daily basis, just purchased an Audi SUV, has her own condo, goes out to eat and drink has loads of friends, goes on holidays with friends..does this sound like a poor little girl to you needing protection?