Do ppl really have to marry the person

Lifestyle Relationships
41

I totally agree. I think when people try to draw this direct correlation between arranged or love marriage and happiness or marriage success, they're usually not taking into consideration all the variables. In my observation, people in arranged marriages tend not to get divorced as much, but they are much, much more likely to stay in very bad, abusive, unhealthy marriages. The same family pressure, expectations, level of conservatism/traditionalism that led them to an arranged marriage will keep them in the marriage even under the worst of circumstances. This is definitely a negative of arranged marriage as I see it. However, people in arranged marriages often have very different expectations of the relationship---they don't tend to prioritize 'being in love' and don't idealize their future partner as much, and their focus is often on starting and maintaining a family and household. This is positive because in the tough times with their spouse they have a stronger view of 'the big picture' and will be more likely to try and work things out.

The phenomenon of Pakistanis/Desis/Muslims born or raised in the West but having traditional arranged marriages is pretty new. This raises a whole other list of questions over how someone balances more western-style expectations/emphasis on the individual with traditional values, and I don't remember having seen any sort of conclusive study that sheds light on divorce/relationship trends among this group.

I'm having a love marriage and am very happy about it and would never consider having an arranged marriage for myself. However I don't think having a love marriage means that the love has to be blind----we all have the ability to move beyond the fun yet childish "hearts-and-roses" outlook to really evaluate whether we're truly compatible in the areas that really matter---shared values, shared goals, shared ideas of what the partnership will involve, etc.

42

Re: Do ppl really have to marry the person

Isn't marrying someone you love aspects of better than marrying someone you are indifferent to?

Just makes more sense to me :-/

43

^ That's why I don't think I would ever opt for an arranged marriage.

Though ideally arranged couples can and often do come to love each other.

I do think that some clear-headed thinking about goals, expectations, etc., however, is just as important as love, no matter what sort of marriage you enter into!

44

Re: Do ppl really have to marry the person

I think love and passion - as short lived or as long lived(depending on what you put into the relationship) are VERY important.

45

^ Agreed. I also think that chemistry/physical attraction is an important part of love and marriage as well---and I think it helps you maintain your bond to each other when you go through tough times.

I can't imagine how I would feel if I had an arranged marriage without getting to see the guy first and then found out at the wedding that he's totally not my type. Believe it or not I actually used to have this recurring nightmare when I was a kid that I was married to this ugly bald guy and each time he approached me I wanted to disappear! :D

46

Re: Do ppl really have to marry the person

:hmmm:

47

Agreed.