I have a cousin in medical school and she currently lives with me. We were really close but grew apart because of her personality. From a young age, she’s been using people and has been materialistic. She has a troubled history, full of drama that she brought upon herself. My cousin got married recently and 4 months after her nikkah, she was divorced (just 1 month before her rukhsati). She and her family started talking bad about her husband immediately and people are believing everything they say when there are two sides to a story. As much as I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, I know her well and I know she lies too. I recently found out that she had immediately changed her last name to her husband’s name after the nikkah; however, despite the recent divorce, she IS still using her ex-husband’s last name in school and in legal documents pertaining to residency applications. I suspect she did this because of her troubled history. She was engaged in some malicious activities that ruined her reputation which is evident on numerous websites on the net if one were to look under her actual name. This is perhaps the reason why she is using her ex-husband’s name, to further herself, and hide her tracks (she has done similar things in the past to cover her past).
It upsets me that she is using his name and defaming him at the same time. This isn’t helping her graciously move on from the relationship. I know the ex-husband somewhat and want to let him know that his ex-wife (who he didn’t even live with nor spend any significant time with) is using his name- perhaps without his knowledge. But if I tell him, it might cause problems in my house. If it was easy to talk to her parents, I would have done that a long time ago. They blindly support their daughter when others know she’s wrong. I’ve tried reasoning with her, but she doesn’t want to hear it. I wanted to know what you think I should do. Is it normal for people to use their ex-husband’s name even if they never had their rukhsati? Since I know the guy, should I pick a friend over family and tell him?
thanks for the post sehrysh. why do you think she can use his name especially after they have been divorced? and why would anyone want to keep their ex-husband's last name when supposedly she herself was the one who asked for the divorce? she has been talking so bad about this poor guy, making false stories about how he is involved in wrong things....then why keep his name?
I don't understand her and I never will!
There is no reason for anyone to be questioning HER use of HER ex-husband's last name. Who are you to get involved?
I dont understand why it is anyone's concern if she chooses to keep his name or drop it.
You are not required to understand her because you're not paying her bills or responsible for her actions.
Legally, there is nothing wrong with it and she has done nothing immoral by keeping her ex's last name. LOTS of women keep it because its a HUGE hassle to change every single document issued in your married name to your maiden name.
I think its weird that you are so engrossed in your cousin's married life and affairs...to the extent that you are willing to go to her ex-husband just to get involved?
Yea I agree dubaiwali and rupayhalwa! I definitely don't want to interfere in her affairs...I just find it amazing how she is continuing to use his last name when the relationship no longer exists. Oh well, Allah knows best!
Thanks for the posts
I have a cousin in medical school and she currently lives with me. We were really close but grew apart because of her personality. From a young age, she’s been using people and has been materialistic. She has a troubled history, full of drama that she brought upon herself. My cousin got married recently and 4 months after her nikkah, she was divorced (just 1 month before her rukhsati). She and her family started talking bad about her husband immediately and people are believing everything they say when there are two sides to a story. As much as I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, I know her well and I know she lies too. I recently found out that she had immediately changed her last name to her husband's name after the nikkah; however, despite the recent divorce, she IS still using her ex-husband’s last name in school and in legal documents pertaining to residency applications. I suspect she did this because of her troubled history. She was engaged in some malicious activities that ruined her reputation which is evident on numerous websites on the net if one were to look under her actual name. This is perhaps the reason why she is using her ex-husband’s name, to further herself, and hide her tracks (she has done similar things in the past to cover her past).
It upsets me that she is using his name and defaming him at the same time. This isn't helping her graciously move on from the relationship. I know the ex-husband somewhat and want to let him know that his ex-wife (who he didn’t even live with nor spend any significant time with) is using his name- perhaps without his knowledge. But if I tell him, it might cause problems in my house. If it was easy to talk to her parents, I would have done that a long time ago. They blindly support their daughter when others know she's wrong. I've tried reasoning with her, but she doesn’t want to hear it. I wanted to know what you think I should do. Is it normal for people to use their ex-husband’s name even if they never had their rukhsati? Since I know the guy, should I pick a friend over family and tell him?
Thanks Reha for your post!
The thing is she hasn't legally changed her last name....she only changed it at school and to apply for residency so no one can know about her past if she kept her last name which would diminish her chances of getting into residency. Trust me, if you knew this girl you would understand why I wrote what I did. And don't worry I am not going to contact her husband as I realize there is no point in doing so. I just wanted to see if anyone found it awkward that she was doing such a thing and just wanted to hear from others what they would have done. That's all! :)
I think no one can understand because we do not know the whole situation and neither do we wanna know. Like I said, you take care of your affairs and let her be. You are not responsible for her, she will be judged according to her own actions so you just CHILL.
I suppose your intentions are good because you are worried about your cousin and friend. you are a common person and their divorce does affect anyone who knows both of them. Some posters are right in saying that it's a private matter, but your cousin needs to make it private too. Let her know that she shouldn't still be talking bad about the guy, she's bringing more attention to her life and marital status. She needs to move on and it seems like she's having a tough time doing tha. Try to reach out to her as much as possible. If she's depressed, then talk to her. If you think she's using his name for the wrong reasons, she'll get her dues. It is strange that she's using his name when she didn't live with him. My friends didn't do that. But it depends if it would bother the guy and I'm not sure what to say about that.
I agree with you Reha. But, would anyone you know or would you yourself continue to keep your ex-husband's name after he supposedly is the WORST human being on this planet (into gambling, smoking, porn, cheating, etc etc: all accusations she has made against him)? It's not like she changed her name legally, only at school so it won't be a hassle to change it back to her original name but she is refusing to do so! That's what my issue is with her...this girl will be practicing medicine in a few months under a false name just so residency programs won't find her malicious activities online
That is a scary notion! Would you want such a doctor? I definitely would not
My intention is not to pry in my cousin's matters or to cause problems for her. This is someone that I once considered my sister and I've seen her deeply hurt people who have cared about her and harbored no ill-will in the most malicious of ways. To say that "Who are you to do this?" is a bit harsh in my opinion. There are many people who post stories in the Life forum of people who have wronged others. Are they all told "Who are you to post this?" Why bother posting then? One can be careful with their word choice.
no i dont want to marry him....I'm happily married MashaAllah se
Thank you soundarya for your post. I appreciate the fact that you did not judge me and I admire your perspective of viewing the situation from more than one angle. I wish more people could be as understanding and as open-minded as you. Thanks friend! :)
Did she take her board exams under her married name? If so, it would actually be a hassle to change everything back to her maiden name before applying. I know plenty of women who got married during med school and still applied to residency under their maiden names to avoid that very hassle.
I agree with Reha...there are plenty of wonen who continue to use their husband's names for whatever reason. This really is none of your concern.
