why are we told to be careful of them? why is there a notion that if they’ve been divorced once they wont be any better the next time around?
wat advice would u give a friend who was involved with a divorced man? would you tell her to not consider.. or follow her heart?
dun know about the first part but for the second .... follow her heart she's probably in a better position to know kay kiya karna hai ... but then it depends on the situation
well lets say there was a child involved as well... should that make a difference?
btw, i would say follow her heart too if she genuinely believed the guy was right
I always tell my buds to stay away from divorced women. They are too divorced, if you know what I mean.
Having dubious thoughts about divorcees is a common practise, be the subject a man or a woman. Infact people generally tend to be more harsh towards and more suspicious of divorced women as compared to men. I have heard a couple of aunties saying that 'talaaq waliyaan da chaaka khul jaanda ey', not quite sure how to translate it literally, but meaning that once they have been through it it's not a big deal for them anymore and they wouldn't think twice before doing it again. Which in my opinion is nothing more than judgemental BS. There may also be chances that the person would be more cautious next time around having been through the trauma once, maybe learn from past mistakes and not repeat them knowing what they cost him/her the first time around.
If your friend is involved with a divorced guy, she obviously knows him in person so she should have a fairly good idea of what kind of a person he is. Her decision should be based upon his personality and being not his prior relationships, failed or unfailed. I believe in fate when it comes to these things. Marraige is big enough a gamble as it is. You just have to put your best foot forward and give it all you have if you really want to make it work. If you're destined to get divorced you will regardless of whether you marry a first-timer or a divorcee afterall the divorcee was once a first-timer too :D
I know two guy friends who are the most polite and extraordinarily nice guys I've ever met. They are both divorced. I knew them before they got married and still keep in touch once in a while. They don't seem like wife-beaters, abusers, scumbags, or idiots. As a matter of fact both are successful engineers with jobs.
I won't go into details of why they got divorced as I never heard the other side of the story. Some women do need extra bit of sensitiveness and attention which some guys are unable to deliver. One of them told me that his wife never gave him the respect he deserved. Some (most desi) men have unreal expectations from wives. Respect to me is earned. It's not a birth right of married men... I think I am going into why divorces take place rather address your initial question of whether girls should consider divorced men.
It all depends on each individual case. You can't make a general rule. If all things equal, they will always pick a never married before man over a divorcee and I wouldn't blame them for that.
Femme Fatale Aunty talk can be very interesting. I have heard that saying many times too. However, in certain cases talaq or no talaq, chaaka goes down the drain anyway ;)
Going back to the original question, Sadzz I think there is no harm in giving it a shot if the guy is right. After all not every case is the same. Being divorced should not be a negative.
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*Originally posted by roshnie: *
However, in certain cases talaq or no talaq, chaaka goes down the drain anyway ;)
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Very true Roshnie... especially with the stretched limits most people set for themselves.
Sadzz Yes I would tell her to be very careful cause Men have an easier time to get divorced and get remarried because of the way our culture is set up compared to women. Compared to men, women often are more willing to put in the extra effort to make a marriage work out.
That been said there are men who are perfectly fine even though they may be divorced, however, she should really find out what the true story is behind his previous history and if he has changed since then before moving forward.
I have to agree with Femme Fatal and Funguy on this..
Also, I would be under the impression from the divorcees i know that they don't want to go through a divorce again and really want to work things through/find the right person the next time...
Funguy
regarding respect..i have a really good friend who's getting divorced..he's incredibly mild mannered and nice...and he says the same thing that he wants a wife who shows him respect. He's well aware he's a bit too desi on this (which is why his first wife was an import) however, i have to agree and disagree with you regarding respect. Yes, it must be earned HOWEVER, there is some basic respect and niceness you should show and give your spouse...and that respect may be more of giving them a sense of respecting their views and feelings....
My take is you should be wary of anyone you meet and marry. 2nd in a divorce, both people do wrong..no one is perfect or completly innocent HOWEVER one person perhaps may be more at fault..than the other. The important thing is to see if the person has talked about his experience, has come to terms with it and their outlook on life...and others will help. But, i would say that is the same for getting involved in any relationship.
amelie,
You have raised good points. My theory of respect is based on the assumption that a couple starts off a marriage with some mutual understanding of respect. Meaning they give eachother the benefit of the doubt and start off a clean slate. Now, if the husband does stuff which warrants outdurst or anger from the wife then he should not assume that she does not respect him. What happens in most desi marriages is that the hubby thinks he has the free ticket to respect. I have a problem with that.
One of the divorces I discussed above was an import and the two had NEVER met.
A couple we know is going thru a divorce. The guy was speaking to my mum the other day and telling her how she never respected him and treated him like he was nothing which is a fact in their case. She would say stuff like…‘ye tau bohot stupid hei…’ etc etc. Poor guy 
Funguy,
Yeah..I agree with you. The couple i know met and nikkafied in 2 weeks...
yeah..femme...
this guy said the one that really hurt him was in front of him, talking to her mom she said oh..baji (refering to her sister) and i keep saying we should have married doctors..our husbands don't make enough for us. It bothered him that she was putting him down..his income/career in front of his mother in law...
interesting points... funguy, when ur friends talked bout repsect.. did they say wat exactly the wanted? cus respect differs from one person to another..
hmcq.. does an investigation on his past raelly need to be carried out? ofcourse u may need to know the basic reasons for teh fallout, but to analyse the whole saga and put them thru the torture again.. is that necessary?
Re: divorced men...
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*Originally posted by sadzzz: *
why are we told to be careful of them? why is there a notion that if they've been divorced once they wont be any better the next time around?
wat advice would u give a friend who was involved with a divorced man? would you tell her to not consider.. or follow her heart?
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what about a divorced girl?
didnt want to get into that argument :) divorced women is a lot more complicated
Re: divorced men...
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by sadzzz: *
why are we told to be careful of them? why is there a notion that if they've been divorced once they wont be any better the next time around?
wat advice would u give a friend who was involved with a divorced man? would you tell her to not consider.. or follow her heart?
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divorce can happen due to various reasons as stated above. but i dont think that they wud be worse any time around. however, they might have some issues because of their previous marriage that they need to deal with before jumping into another relationship.
issues such as mistrust etc depending on the situation that caused his divorce the first time.
i wud tell ur friend to go with her heart and her mind on this one. the person has gone through a lot cuz of his earlier relationship. but tell her to take it slow and not rush into it. all that matters is that they are both happy with the decision in the end :-)
beaware of the divorce men who only get married to someone to get Citizenship in other country.
other wise depends on the situation.
one thing is for sure incase of divorced men you have to do complete background check.
and as GURU jee said in his movie , "follow the beats of your heart and if your heart beats with waterboy on the fire-engine then go for it " hehehehehhe.
but seriously , one of our far relative got married with a divorced man and they are still toghether after 25 years and very happy .
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*Originally posted by sadzzz: *
interesting points... funguy, when ur friends talked bout repsect.. did they say wat exactly the wanted? cus respect differs from one person to another..
hmcq.. does an investigation on his past raelly need to be carried out? ofcourse u may need to know the basic reasons for teh fallout, but to analyse the whole saga and put them thru the torture again.. is that necessary?
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Sadzz its not about digging up the past but rather realizing that they have come to terms with it. I realize I am biased here by the numerous people I know who are divorced, there is only one case of a guy where I think he was at fault lesser of the two. Now this is based on marriages where the marriages ended up in divorce because one party was not serious about their marriage or let it get to a stage where it could not recover from.
For anyone, just find out that there are no bodies in the closet that the person cant live with.
It's interesting how the guys are the ones advising greater caution. Hmmmm.