great topic fellas. Marriage is an extremely sensitive relationship and i think you are all correct when you mention that expectations is what destroys us. Let's face it, most of us have ideals about how a wife/husband should behave yet the other person may have no inkling about this. Marriage requires TONS of patience and understanding. Sometimes when you're coming home you have to literall brainwash yourself into being easygoing and not getting upset about anything. The worst is when one person is trying to make the relationship work but the other is utterly clueless. Some people really are clueless about these things.
One of my cousins got divorced and she was pregnant! Her husband was from Pakistan and he too felt like she didn't respect him. I even heard my cousin slapped him once! I can't say I blame the guy. Luckily for her, she found someone willing to marry her and accept her child. Another girl I know divorced her husband because the mother was too involved in his life and made life unbearable. This was seven years ago. Sadly she like the guy but he couldn't stand up to his mom. She's still unmarried. Finally another guy I know married a girl from Pakistan and ended up divorced. He then married again and again divorce! Their family is really "jaahil" type though so I can't blame the poor girls.
Divorce men are like second hand cars...make sure it is dealer certified with a guaranteed. Divorced women are like family heirlooms. Sure they are handed down but their value is unaffected.
There is no point of keeping a marriage when there is no respect between individuals.
btw I've heard women find married men more appealing. I say, its better to consider a divorced man than a married man
IF she was my sister I'd really tell her to be practical and not get into emotional love shuve stuff and find out the guy's background first then proceed to make any decision.
Which world do you live in?? It's actually easier for men to divorce and marry again in our society. They DON'T have a problem in marrying again at all! Good for them but I have usually seen these men carry a lot of baggage from their past relationship(s)...They tend to talk about their past relationships a lot and generally have some kind of attitude problems. I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with a person who doesn't wanna move on. That's quite a turn-off for me actually. Plus coz it's easier for a guy to divorce in our society I would really wanna find out why exactly he had to take the BIG step.
You can't treat everyone the same way. Every situation is dealt differently.
*It's actually easier for men to divorce and marry again in our society. They DON'T have a problem in marrying again at all! *
Why should a divorced person (man or woman) have 'problems' re-marrying? Why make it so 'hard' for them? Unfortunately, if you have had a bad experience in the past...does that mean you pay for it all your life? People don't get along thats a reality of life too. Which world do you live in?
*but I have usually seen these men carry a lot of baggage from their past relationship(s)...They tend to talk about their past relationships a lot and generally have some kind of attitude problems. *
Could u generalize a bit more? Wrong! people want to move on..hence the marriage.
*I would really wanna find out why exactly he had to take the BIG step. *
Fair enough.
I have a question for you
Why is it easy for men to re-marry and not for women...(afterall its you and I who make the society). Apparently, I have no bias towards divorced women but seems like you are a bit too careful when it comes to divorced men. I would rather have a woman who knows what it involves to get married than some yahoo.
[QUOTE] Originally posted by BoSS: *
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if you have had a bad experience in the past...does that mean you pay for it all your life? People don't get along thats a reality of life too. Which world do you live in?**
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Did I state that if a person had a bad experience in the past s/he should pay for it forever?? I just said that you need to find out their background to make sure that person is not a quitter. Now what's wrong with that?
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Could u generalize a bit more? Wrong! people want to move on..hence the marriage.**
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I didn't mean to generalize. I meant to say that not all single people can put up with the problems that divorced people have unless they were also involved in long term premarital relationship(s).. By no means I'm implying that divorced men/women shouldn't remarry, they should but IMO, in order to marry someone you have to relate his/her experiences too...to understand the probs s/he has...You can't just jump into a marriage with a person like that you know...Yes, everything depends on the situation of a person but how can you find out about someone's situation without carefully checking his/her background?
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**
I have a question for you
Why is it easy for men to re-marry and not for women...(afterall its you and I who make the society). Apparently, I have no bias towards divorced women but seems like you are a bit too careful when it comes to divorced men. I would rather have a woman who knows what it involves to get married than some yahoo. **
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Does being careful mean I'm discriminating divorced people? Women in our society have a hard time remarrying BECAUSE people don't even look at them as potential spouse....A divorced woman is not even considered as someone "seeking marriage"; whereas, so many jerks have a an easy way to marry over and over. I think these men should be checked because it's mostly men in our society who make or break marriages since they're the ones who have all the power to control their marital relationships...
Boss when was the last time you went out on a date with a divorced woman and when was the last time you went out with a single woman. Sure you may not have issues but most desi men do and its not a balanced field out there. From the two women I know who divorced their husbands (and not the otherway round), the men have had issues with their exs since the divorce.
Yes they dont have aids, but if past experience or cultural influences are anything to use as future predictors then generally its better to be more cautious with men then with women. And generally both genders carry emotionaly baggage with them post marriage.
its easier for men to get married again because of the culture and the higher value placed on men.
^ attitudes like this make it harder for divorced men and women to get married again..
everyone carries emotional baggage, and everyone has a past they may not want to share with their partner...
if u love someone and find out that they are divorced or had been a bad relationship before meeting you, does it have to change ur opinion about them? ok if they were psycho or abusive, u need to know those things...
but how many people get married the first time round without knowing these things about their spouses? does a woman know her future hubby is gonna get abusive and beat her up?? does a man know that his future wife is gonna insult him and embarrass him? NO... then why should a divorced man or woman be discriminated more?? they've already been labeled... do we really need to add another tag?
*Sure you may not have issues but most desi men do and its not a balanced field out there. *
Why do men have issues with divorced women and vice versa? A cousin of mine got nikhafied in her teens and got divorced after a couple of months. Parents arranged her marriage and they were the ones who broke it off too. All of a sudden this girl becomes something to ‘beware’ of. How dumb is that? The poor girl didn’t even see her rukhsati..
There is no harm in knowing what went wrong. I am not disputing that. My argument is based on the ignorant attitude of people towards divorced candidates. They are put on the defensive from the very start. We have no right to judge people based on their past experiences. Especially when the stupid system of arranged marriages is widely accepted and prevalent in our society. People get married by simply looking at each other’s pictures…what are the odds of that working out in today’s world? It has worked in the past but you will see the trend changing if you haven’t observed it already…
*Yes they dont have aids, but if past experience or cultural influences are anything to use as future predictors then generally its better to be more cautious with men then with women. And generally both genders carry emotionaly baggage with them post marriage. *
How can other people’s past experiences influence your decision making? What if you only know those people who come with a ‘baggage’. How can you base your decisions by looking at one side of the coin? People move on if ‘you’ allow them to. Your fear of someone else’s baggage might be more of your baggage instead of the candidate’s.
*its easier for men to get married again because of the culture and the higher value placed on men. *
Ok, please justify and question this statement too. It would be ignorant if we accept it on its face value.
^ so true... everytime theres a desi event and ur talking to some nice, someone will point out "u know he/she is divorced".. like whats that supposed to mean?
i know a lovely girl here who got divorced after a month, shes like a perfect marriage prospect.. but guys upon hearing her past... seem to overlook all her good qualities... its awful
I think some people feel like they can do better and that they are special enough to deserve someone just for them, without any emotional baggage. sadly these people are often never satisfied in their marriages because of the looking around syndrome.
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*Originally posted by sadzzz: *
^ so true... everytime theres a desi event and ur talking to some nice person, someone will point out "u know he/she is divorced".. like whats that supposed to mean?
i know a lovely girl here whose got divorced after a month, shes like a perfect marriage prospect.. but guys upon hearing her past... seem to overlook all her good qualities... its awful
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Boss I can not read off stats for you showing you how men have an easier time finding a mate or getting married but from the men and women i know generally that has proven to be so and I based what i said on that. Also in interactions between me and my friends and other people men are assumed to have it easier and from all indications they do. Now if you were looking for numbers, I have not heard of any research been done on that and I cant tell you about it. I have a friend who is into getting people hooked up and what he tells me is the guys have it easier. And from the divorced people I know, most of the women are still single (yes one or two of them are too afraid of going through the same issues again), but generally all their exs or the divorced men are married and didnt have problems finding a mate.
As for the past experience part. If you go out and buy a used car (poor analogy but its all i can come up with right now), would you not want to know if the car has major engine issues or is just a minor chipping of the paint. Same concept here, people who have had kids, or have gone through an acrimonious divorce with courts and all the other issues associated with it, do come with some baggage, be it kids or something else. Yes they move on from it as well but to say everyones moved on without even considering it an issue would be incorrect. It doesnt mean that people with baggage are not acceptable but rather that each person has to figure out if their baggage and the other persons baggage is something they are willing to carry along in life.
Sadzz...In the desi settings where there is such a strong emphasis on keeing marragiages going, most of the divorces I have persoanlly seen have been due to abusive or phsycological issues. So may be that biases my judgement. As for love, sure if the people feel they can take it on, why not. The way you make it look is like someones been in love for years and suddenly they find out that the person was divorced? Isnt that something that should come up earlier on rather then later? Its like dating someone for a few months and finding out shes got a kid she never mentioned?
As for what your female friend is going through, I would say is totally wrong. Its not what I have stated here. I have suggested caution but it doesnt mean that people should stereotype. It really depends on how the two people match up with each other.
