This thread is open to any and all…single, married, widowed or divorced to share their views.
When you start the process of looking for a future partner again, its very stressful. You dont even know where to begin! We dont want to make the same mistakes but there is no such thing as a perfect person. The first time, we are very idealistic and when things dont go our way or how we planned, its such a disappointment and let down. We spend some time nursing our wounds and eventually get past it. What now? We start looking again…
I would like to know what has changed in your personality, habits, criteria or general outlook from the first time around? What are you going through now that you are “prospecting” at this stage in your life? What is more important to you now vs before? What has taken a backseat? Do you feel wiser? Scared? Stronger? Weaker?
hmmmm...I have to say that when I divorced, I saw myself keeping up my career which I enjoyed and was completely dedicated to. I saw more opportunity for growth as I'd be free to travel or to take a position in the company anywhere, even other countries. I was considering joining the Navy - since I had a degree, I'd go in as an officer. So I was not relying on or focused on finding a new partner - I just considered myself on my own and I was doing well.
I happened to be very good friends with a colleague, we shared the same views on life, we had the same (somewhat strange) sense of humor, the same work ethic etc. When his rishta backed out, things developed between us and he went from being a great friend to being my beloved hubby.
To those who are recently divorced, I'd recommend not focusing on finding a partner. Focus on yourself only. At least for a while.
That makes sense too...when you least expect it, things work out and Allah (swt) surprises you. Meaning there is hope, lol.
And you're right...everyone should take some time to find themselves. Otherwise, the next person ends up having to pay for it which is not fair to either party.
But did you have any reservations or previous fears that held you back? Or any filters that stopped you from progressing with your current hubby?
The person I wanted to be with before I divorced and after are very different. Was it the same for you? What qualities ended up being not so important and what did you find becoming important?
wow its been ages since I've really thought about it....
I guess the biggest fear I had was prior to actually seeking the divorce. I thought, for way too long, that I should stick it out and try to make it work. But really, the situation was that I just worked longer hours to avoid going home. When I finally took the big jump, I worked just as hard - but this was for myself and not for the betterment of my ex. Who was VERY into money (that I earned), very into spending it (but not as I wanted to).
There is a vast difference between my ex and my hubby. Ex wanted an ATM, an easy life, all attention to HIS family, none to mine. The simple matter of having dinner with MY parents once every two months was a HUGE issue that turned into big arguments. We bought HIS parents a house. When I wanted to buy a computer for my dad, he hit the roof in anger.
My NOW hubby wants the same things that I do - a great family, caring mom at home while they are young - we have the same family values, we respect and love each other's families, cultures, religions. We accept differences about each other and about the sometimes difficult characters in each others families. When things got serious between us, I felt no fears at all - I felt like I was lucky enough to have met and found a true soul mate.
i was thinking of starting a thread along these lines for ppl that want to get a divorce cuz nothing works... what stops them from taking teh big step.. and once u are divorced, how do u go abouts finding someone again... and what changes do u make....
Anyone could become divorced through no fault of their's and be unlucky. But you don't want to make the same mistake twice. So I guess you are more cautious before deciding to jump into another long-term relationship.
Care to expound on your need not to comment? :) Happily married? Happily single? Bitterly single or bitterly married? Bitterly divorced? Happily divorced? Bitterly/happily re-married? If you feel the need not to comment to the point that you need to make a comment STATING your need not to comment....heck, MY interest is certainly peaked! Please share!
One thing Ive noticed with some people I know who divorced, most of them being Pakistani. Ive seen that they are very shy talking about their divorce, and they try to avoid it completely. One of them even lied about it to another acquaintance (who he was interested in). I told him if hes interested in her, lying about it wont help him win her. I dont get why they act like this, I mean its not like they have committed some heinous crime!
wow its been ages since I've really thought about it....
I guess the biggest fear I had was prior to actually seeking the divorce. I thought, for way too long, that I should stick it out and try to make it work. But really, the situation was that I just worked longer hours to avoid going home. When I finally took the big jump, I worked just as hard - but this was for myself and not for the betterment of my ex. Who was VERY into money (that I earned), very into spending it (but not as I wanted to).
There is a vast difference between my ex and my hubby. Ex wanted an ATM, an easy life, all attention to HIS family, none to mine. The simple matter of having dinner with MY parents once every two months was a HUGE issue that turned into big arguments. We bought HIS parents a house. When I wanted to buy a computer for my dad, he hit the roof in anger.
My NOW hubby wants the same things that I do - a great family, caring mom at home while they are young - we have the same family values, we respect and love each other's families, cultures, religions. We accept differences about each other and about the sometimes difficult characters in each others families. When things got serious between us, I felt no fears at all - I felt like I was lucky enough to have met and found a true soul mate.
Honestly MO3, its really good to hear stories like yours! I feel like there should be more people sharing positive experiences and banishing this fear of divorce or divorcees.
For obvious cultural reasons, there is such heavy stigma attached to anyone who has been through this, its hard to even mentally get prepared for another relationship. I live in a tight knit community where my parents are very social and well-known. They went through a lot when I divorced my ex and it shouldnt be that way. I prolonged mine because of the parents, not even because I wanted to work things out! I didnt want to hurt my parents or my in-laws because I loved them both. Is that wierd or what?
I think superficial things have taken an obvious backseat for me. I dont look at physical attributes as much as I used to and want to find a more mental and emotional connection. I need to make sure he respects my parents because I dont want to put them through anymore pain. Ive become even more tolerant/accepting of peoples' flaws. Im willing to compromise more - maybe a sign of maturity or something else?
i was thinking of starting a thread along these lines for ppl that want to get a divorce cuz nothing works... what stops them from taking teh big step.. and once u are divorced, how do u go abouts finding someone again... and what changes do u make....
good thread!
Thank you Khawateen! I have been trying to figure out a way to talk about these things...but there really is no prescribed way is there?
I even went online to see if there are any sort of support groups for women in these predicaments and suprisingly came across...nothing. There arent any organizations for divorced Muslim women...or did I not look in the right places?
The questions you raise are also very good. What stops them from taking the big step?
Embarassment, explanations to family members, finances, fear of being alone, starting over, children, consequences from your ex or soon to be ex. If he is abusive, its another ball game altogether.
What changes do you make? Do you take ownership of any faults you may have had? Good stuff...
my friend very proudly introduces himself as "I am a happily divorced not looking single again man" and he didn't even had a bitter divorce.
Another friend of mine is in the middle of a very very bitter divorce where custody of his two children is at stake. The wifey is making sure he doesn't get to see them again. I have never seen the man cry before in life but now he cries even over the phone. It's really terrible.
awww thats really sad Funguy...I wish your friend an equitable outcome; its invariably SO much more difficult when there are children involved. May God/Allah grant him and his ex-to-be the intelligence and empathy that they will both need to put the kids first and themselves last.
I'm sure that its going to be difficult for you p-squared, to find a group of Muslim women in such a situation...but will take a brave one to pave the way and START such a group maybe? Perhaps yourself? I fully realize that divorce is a much bigger issue for a Muslim woman than it is for a western one - I'm a gori and I found it SO hard to do the right thing and get out and I never had the cultural pressure that is prescribed to most Muslim women. Western people - both women AND men - are more likely to open up and talk about divorce and are much more likely not to be forced to feel shame for it. But even given that, its still a tough thing to actually go ahead with it. Its a very tough thing to face, address and go thru with. I wish you all the best, such as I have found...and maybe ask your local mosque if you could post a notice about starting a group discussion on the subject? Just a thought....
One thing Ive noticed with some people I know who divorced, most of them being Pakistani. Ive seen that they are very shy talking about their divorce, and they try to avoid it completely. One of them even lied about it to another acquaintance (who he was interested in). I told him if hes interested in her, lying about it wont help him win her. I dont get why they act like this, I mean its not like they have committed some heinous crime!
Spock, I realize there all sorts of people out there but even if you had an absolutely amicable divorce, some people still feel embarassed talking about it in certain groups.
If this guy was really into your friend, he was afraid of being rejected because of his past. Its no excuse, lying is still unacceptable, its just a glimpse into what he might have been thinking.
On the other hand, he shouldnt be looking around until he is completely over this ordeal and can talk about it without feeling embarassed or the need to hide it.
Thanks Mamaof3. I hope so too but in all honesty, it is going to be very tough for my friend. I've known him for many years and he is one of the BEST dads I have ever seen. He spent a lot of time with his kids. Travelled with them, played with them..he was just not your average Paki dad but a very involved dad, more so than the mum.
Back to original topic, Pakistanis normally think divorce as some kind of a disease. They look at a divorcee woman or man and start generalizing that something must be wrong with this person. They don';t understand that it could be a compatability issue and not necessarily because both are evil impatirnt angry control freaks.
awww thats really sad Funguy...I wish your friend an equitable outcome; its invariably SO much more difficult when there are children involved. May God/Allah grant him and his ex-to-be the intelligence and empathy that they will both need to put the kids first and themselves last.
I'm sure that its going to be difficult for you p-squared, to find a group of Muslim women in such a situation...but will take a brave one to pave the way and START such a group maybe? Perhaps yourself? I fully realize that divorce is a much bigger issue for a Muslim woman than it is for a western one - I'm a gori and I found it SO hard to do the right thing and get out and I never had the cultural pressure that is prescribed to most Muslim women. Western people - both women AND men - are more likely to open up and talk about divorce and are much more likely not to be forced to feel shame for it. But even given that, its still a tough thing to actually go ahead with it. Its a very tough thing to face, address and go thru with. I wish you all the best, such as I have found...and maybe ask your local mosque if you could post a notice about starting a group discussion on the subject? Just a thought...
You know Ive been thinking of exactly that! I was so disappointed something like this has not been done yet...maybe because no one wants to volunteer that kind of information in public? My mother will positively FLIP on me but that doesnt bother me because this isnt wrong.
If one were to do something like this, should it be for only women or men as well?