I have finally filed for a Khulla…it’s going to be my second hearing tomorrow…my first one was extremely painful and wish I could do anything not to face him tomorrow.
I dont know how i am going to live through this…i feel i would never be able to come out of this. I find it so hard to believe that my marriage could come to an end tomorrow and i would become a divorcee in just under 24 hrs!
I feel so guilty and miserable…I wish i could be someone else, i wish had never married…it’s devastating to face him each time. My husband was smiling and denied everything in our first hearing and I can’t help but think of what he would say tomorrow!
I don’t know what to think or do… I went to the psychiatrist yesterday and had a full cry-out session with him. Have been mostly on sleeping and anxiety pills during the last 3 months…I get nightmares EVERY night…..every single night…every day I wake up in the middle of a nightmare. I feel I am being punished hard by Allah that even during my sleep I cant escape from this misery.
I cant seem to find the “sabr” to deal with all of this…As much as I am hurt, I feel miserable and cant help but think about my nikah day and our good moments together…I feel I am so abnormal…I cry every few minutes. I cry at work, I cry at home…I wish I could die before tomorrow; it would be so much easier than to face him. I don’t know how I would react to signing the divorce papers tomorrow.
hmm i just read your thread “My Marriage”. If you have filed for Khulla, I think you have made a right decision. No one knows future and no one deliberately likes or plans Divorce kind of thing for her/himself. It was in your qismat may be. you tried your best, he was unlucky who failed. learn lesson from it, take it as a bad dream, bad experience, be strong and move on. The show of life must go on
hey,, you did the right thing. I red your other thread and you were miserable and obviously there was no hope for compromise. Talking from personal experience there wont be immediate "sabr" but time is indeed best healer and in time alot will be better (not every thing but alot).
I dont know how i am going to live through this...i feel i would never be able to come out of this. I find it so hard to believe that my marriage could come to an end tomorrow and i would become a divorcee in just under 24 hrs!
I feel so guilty and miserable.....I wish i could be someone else, i wish had never married…it’s devastating to face him each time. My husband was smiling and denied everything in our first hearing and I can’t help but think of what he would say tomorrow!
Hi Fingirl,
How long have you been married? A year? More than a year? Compare that time to a LIFETIME of misery. Now, when you try looking at things from THIS perspective, doesn't the time you spent with your husband seem much smaller and shorter in comparison to the realization that you have the rest of your life ahead of you and that you can try to live it in PEACE???
There have been members on GS who have been in dysfunctional (physically abusive) marriages that were WORSE than yours. In their case, there were children involved. You don't have to worry about that obstacle. After giving their marriage their best shot, after tolerating and enduring for so long, and after seeing that things were only getting worse..........they got a divorce. Some of them felt the same way you did....that unnecessary guilt. It was hard in the beginning........but now they have found sooooo much peace....peace that was missing in their marriage........PEACE and SANITY and DIGNITY and RESPECT that is priceless.....and that they lacked in their marriage.
You said that you missed the happy "moments" you shared with your husband. Well....they were just that. They were brief, teeny-tiny MOMENTS compared to the MONTHS of hell that you put up with. The negative outweighs the positive here........practically canceling all of the positive.
Why do you feel guilty? Here's my theory on why you feel guilty. You're scared of the stigma that desi culture has made out of divorce.....and especially for women than for men. It's an unreasonable social stigma that has no validation or basis in Islam. If you feel guilty that you've committed a huge gunnah.......even that is unreasonable. Divorce was never haraam in Islam. Allah allowed divorce because it's gunnah to endure oppression and to commit it. It's not like you rushed to a divorce. You tried to make it work....and it only got worse. You have the right to get out of this marriage.
Islamically, a guy is supposed to be the head of the household an the provider of his family. But in your case........you had to work because your husband LIED to you about his financial crisis. He couldn't even support you or his family financially. Moreover, he couldn't support you as his wife emotionally. He has insulted you in front of his own family........YOU........the breadwinner in his household. Rather than him and his family showing some gratefulness toward you......they took out their anger and insecurities on you. How much worse would things get if there were children involved? Marriage requires strong partners. Your husband was too weak. He couldn't control his lack of employment.....he couldn't control his financial conditions......he couldn't stand up to his family. He couldn't control the big things in life that would have made him feel like more of a man.........that's why he decided to control the SMALL things (like how you fold a blanket) to feel more powerful. He tried to feel powerful and more like a man.....by putting you down. He's pathetic. Can't lead life with a guy like that....and with a family that's no better.
At least you value marriage......that's also why you feel guilty. But does your husband feel guilty that the marriage is coming to an end? Does he feel guilty that it's over??? NO!!!!! That's why he was smiling at you in court. He doesn't care......about your feelings......about what you went through.........about your future.....about anything. You were just a breadwinner for this pathetic weakling of a man who can't stand up to his parents..........and his greedy/insecure family. They will be able to find another girl who will become their next breadwinner victim. But.....this is your chance at freedom and getting your life back. Also, another reason why your husband SMILES at you in court...............is because he's trying to scare you (immature tactic).......the same way that a villain in a movie might smile before committing an atrocity. He's hoping that his smile will get under your skin and frazzle your nerves.......and you're letting him win by getting scared. Don't be scared....of someone who has no character, of someone who's not a good Muslim husband. If Allah brought you to it.....He'll get you through it. Sometimes a seemingly negative situation could be a blessing in disguise. Hang in there. You're educated....you'll find a way to support yourself. You're strong because you made it this far. The next time you see him in court.......look him square in the eye without fear. That'll scare him. Or copy his same tactic....SMILE at him.....smile so he acts afraid of you.
just read your old thread.. and i think you did the right thing, totally agree with RV.. you did TRY to make it work . Prayers are with you.. nd dont worry just pray to God to give you sabr and this time will pass
If he smiles at you, give a wider smile in return. Show some teeth. If the in-laws are there, have a HUGE smile and wave at them. And when you're leaving, give a big smile and wave bye to them. Perhaps they're smiling because they think that you're weak and believe that your life is ruined now. When in reality, it's the other way around. That soon to be ex-husband of yours is the weak one that he couldn't provide for you and was dependent upon your earnings. He'll be missing the money you made and I won't be surprised if his relationship with his parents will eventually sour.
Be confident so that you show that you're not weak. Become independent and work. You have no reason to be depressed. Most of the girls that I know that are divorced say that they wish they could erase the wedding from their mind. But you can't and you have to accept that it is now a part of your PAST. It's not your present that you have to constantly think about it and depress yourself.
I can only pray for you . You are doing the right thing. You seem to be very sensitive and sensible girl . I am sure time will heel you wounds and you will find peace in your life.
Sometime bad things happen to good people but it and ends one day.
Time will heal and pray for yourself when you are depressed. Allah SWT is always listening to our prayers and helping us heal. There is no doubt that you are going through some very tough times and not many of us can understand your pain but from what I have read it looks like you were in mental and physical torture and pain because of your marriage so even though it's hard. Take time to heal yourself from tough times and gain family support.
time heals all wounds...
just know that you tried your best to make things work...and therez nothing more you could do...
like everything in this world is following the course of nature...it has a plan for you too....and this is part of that plan...when one door closes a lot of others open up...dnt think that something has come to an end..but think that something new has started to begin...look forward..and think positive...
it will take time...a lot of time to clear up things in your head...it will be long before u will be able to think straight and have a clear vision in to your future...but the best thing is it will happen...let nature take its course..let time heal your wounds..
and in the meanwhile the best u can do is to take good care of urself,never ever doubt your decision...stand strong on your ground...love urself for wat you are,dnt let societal pressures take u down...remember that is the only thing that can take u down..and if u decide to stand against it today...u will be a success tomorrow...
see its a man's world and we women need to stay strong against its pressures and norms...
you are a wonderful person and a beautiful woman....u deserve best things in life...and this is part of nature's plan to get u wat u deserve.
You said that he was smiling in the court. Just remember this that if he was a good human being or if he had any love for you in his heart he would have not been smiling. So you should be happy to get rid of such a man who does not love you. Good you did not spend 10 years with him and made your decision earlier …imagine wasting 10-15 or 20 years with a person who doesn’t love you back or appreciate you.
It’s hard I know …but you are a strong and educated girl and you will get through it . You were smart enough to realize that you are being abused and you are smart enough to pass this difficult phase.
Now when he sees you in court you show him how happy you are to get rid of such a jerk ! yes show him your happiness make him feel that getting rid of him is an accomplishment for you. Show him you are strong and that he can not destroy you , he does not have any control on your sanity , emotions and happiness. You are a strong person without him. You don’t need him to be stable and happy.
So ummmmm... like errrr.. you wanna go out sometime? :o
j/k j/k Hope you got a laugh out of that.
Anyway since I read both the threads (the original where you stated the dilemna and this one) over the weekend, have prayed for you and hope you are given the sukoon you deserve. Be strong, stay strong; inshallah the worst is behind you and much much better days are ahead. Time is a wonderful healer. Before you know it, you will start taking pleasure in the small things that life has to offer and that we all take for granted, and you'll soon start to smile. Hang in there.
