i need help here , im not sure if im doing this is right or not, my 4 yr old misses his father, after the divorced his father left out of country and never calls or anything, but my son misses him and remebers everything. its been like 8 months and he hasn’t seen his father but he tells me to call him and wants to talk to him, i use to have my son talk to his father that was before divorce cuz i was still hoping things would work out but then he left without tellin didn’t even think about the his son, now myson ask me to call his father, i dont cuz if i did he’s gona be askin me all the time and he’s gona miss him more, this way i notice that he is not talkin to his father he’s doin good in school but i remember when he use to talk to his father before he’ was having problem in school and that the only reason, and as far as my concern when he left us i think my son should not talk to him, am i doin the right thing or not, i feel real bad when i see my son cryin 4 him, do u think by time he will farget him or heal or have patients… some times i get real worreidd 4 him, anyone with simialr situtaion how to deal with…
Re: Divorce children...help
I firmly believe that a child needs a father...but in instances like this (where the father shows no concern about his child) a child is better off without his father. Perhaps someone else can step in and play the role of father figure.....an uncle or grandfather...someone that generally cares about his well being?
Re: Divorce children...help
Being from a single parent family and having no contact with my father after a certain age i can say that you ask and then you get used to it...its a transitional thing...when daddys there you will miss him when he leaves but once hes gone you will get used to him not being around and you'll be fine...
Just make sure you show him the support that he needs that his father cant give him...
Re: Divorce children...help
thanx guys some times it just feels like im a horriable mom not lettin him talk to him but under such circumstance im just doin wats best for him and i hope my son realize it when he grows up, sometime it feels like he loves his father somuch that one day he's gona leave me, i hope this is just an phase that will go away by time.
Re: Divorce children...help
tommorow i am gona sign up for BIG BROTHERSSSSSS :)
Re: Divorce children...help
It is quite sad to hear that your ex husband has not taken a keen interest in the welfare of an offspring for whom he was equally responsible to bring into this world.He whould have at least kept in touch and reassured that no matter what happens he would always love his son. How selfish of a person is he?. Cyme, do u know that everything was well when he left I mean he could have kept in touch..I mean you know God forbids..he is alive and kicking isnt he??Just a passing thought form my side.Anyway back to the topic...do u think he did that I mean left without saying anything so that he wouldnt have to fess up to his Child support...??
Anyway in my opinion...good riddane to a man who showed his worth when he didnt even turn around to look at the life he created..for whom he was still the hero!!...Tsk tsk...wat a sorry specimen of a man!!:(
Oh I just remembered that I went off the topic again...I know how hard it must be for you to play double duty..but you know and Allah is watching that Inshallah you will be able to provide the love that this precious son of yours will hold dear to.May Allah give you courage and patience(I know how it is with kids:))....You will be rewarded a plenty...I know personally you must have had your plate ful to begin with , with all this stress of a life now all alone, and on top of it , the frustration of an uncaring father ...Inshallah think of it as "this too shall pass"...happy times are ahead of you and your son.:)....
I would also suggest you reading Dr Phil's book called "Family First"..it is really a good book in understanding our children:)May Allah bless you for being a strong mother.
Re: Divorce children…help
A single Mom’s esource list:
http://www.singlemom.com/DAYTODAY/daytoday_articles.htm
http://www.momsrefuge.com/single/9909/home.html
http://www.wel-systems.com/articles/SingleMoms.htm
http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/family/disengaged.html
and you know what, sister - in the long run - the loser is the biological father of the child.
so hang in there, have faith in God. raise your child right.
if he is a male, teach him well, so that he does not repeat what his father did - wronged his Mom, betrayed a woman.
for you to be busy and working is very essential to be self sufficient.
enjoy the time with your child and then save yourself well deserved comfort.
all prayers for you
dushwari
Re: Divorce children...help
My heart bleeds for your son. I still feel that your son has a right to be in contact with his biological father. As you will want the best for your son, perhaps you shud try to arrange a conatct on regular basis. But if he just doesn't want to see his son, he's a real sunoffa B
Re: Divorce children...help
thanx 4 all the support and resources,, ur right amber he was runing away from child support, right away i had join my school again and pretty soon graduating. it feels great when im close to acheving my goal. thanx 4 the great websites dudhwari, its so much helpful,, thanx alot for all the prayer it means somuch to me :):)
Re: Divorce children...help
MAy Allah bless you with a wonderful life.The smile on a child 's face is enough to melt the hardest of hearts, and makes everything that we do ..all worth it:)
Re: Divorce children...help
Its a very tough situation that you're in Ms Cyme. Personally I think that having a "bad" father is preferable to no father at all. And it will likely bode very well for YOU and your relationship with your son - esp in the future - if you make every attempt to let him call his dad whenever he asks. Dont be the "bad guy" here so that he later on learns to blame you for preventing his relationship with his father.
Easier said than done I know. It will be hard on your son which will make it even harder on you. But this is likely the best approach for his future relationship with you and with his father, better for his outlook on life.
May you always find the strength to deal with your difficult situation, my heart goes out to you and your boy.
Re: Divorce children...help
Time is the best healer, and in my opinion (which can be wrong) it is better to not refresh the wounds of his heart by letting him talk to "someone" who doesn't care and desn't deserve to be shown as a role model to his son ( as it is natural that every son at young age looks at his father with inspiration)
Sorry, if I sound rude towards the child, but it is better to never ever discuss about his father with him. Do everything possible to keep him busy in other activities that he likes. Whenever he mentions his father, take him to his favourite park, show him his favourite cartoons, give him his favourite choclates......etc. As already mentioned above, better try to bring another fatherly figure in his life, the thought of the old one would make him suffer from inferiority complex, sadness, low moral, loss of self confidence.....and a number of other bad impacts on his personality which might even remain with him all his life.
You can't stop him from thinking about "a father" as he would miss the presence of a father, whenever he sees other children talking to their fathers in the school and other places, but you can definately bring him another father.
I am sure that at a certain stage after sometime his father would definately try to come back to meet him, because it is natural. In that case, it is up to you what you want to do, but in my opinion it would refresh the old wounds, and might waste all the efforts you made to heal the child's wounds. So better not allow the father to come in his life if he comes after 2 years or so.
Re: Divorce children...help
Old or new, there is never ever a replacement for a father. You get ONE. and only one father. Only one mother. So yes while it may be a great idea to have positive male role models in his life, there will never be another person who is "Dad" to your son.
If you are the one preventing access to the Dad, even if its for a good reason, then YOU will be the one to suffer later on. Your son will see YOU as the one who prevented any kind of relationship. Let him see and learn for himself and just be there for him to dry any tears and comfort away any hurts. This will go so much further than trying to deny him access to a poor excuse of a father. It will be a very tough lesson for your boy to learn but you will do all that much more good for YOUR relationship with your son if you ALLOW him to learn and help him get thru it.
Re: Divorce children...help
I do agree that there can't be another person who can be dad to the son, but when the dad himself chooses to become senesless and irresponsible without any will to care, than WHAT can anyone else do. But I understand that it is better to let the child learn the lesson himself (if you feel he is mature and sensable enough at this stage)
I think it would depend alot on the nature of the son and the kind of grooming you do. Like you said,
[quote=]
his father left out of country and never calls or anything
[/quote]
You have to teach him at one stage the TRUTH so that he might not blame you at any stage of his life. If you think he is not getting convinced, you might let him talk to his father and tell him to ask his father " Why did you leave me ? Why don't you come to meet me ?" This would give him the idea that his father doesn't care about him, so why should he worry about his father.
BUT as I mentioned no one knows your childs nature better than you, and there is NO thumb rule. You would have to select one way which you think is the best keeping in view the **nature* and the way of thinking of the child*
Re: Divorce children...help
omg u guys made my difficult situation into comfort zone, it opened up my mind even more and kinda educating me through this difficult time. all i k now wat ever im doin is best for my child and i dont have hatred to anyone, god is watching and i will try to do the good in every aspect i can. im glad that my brother supporting me through this time lookin after my son which he really look up too as a father figure, i learned is that u keep doin good to everyone no mater wat happen and god finds it way to make mylife easier and i hope he keeps doin that. thanx 4 all ur heart warming comments and it makes me even more stronger.. :)
Re: Divorce children...help
Nice. you are taking the right steps sister (mashAllah), one should do things right what are in one's control and leave the rest to the Ultimate Lord. In such situations the best source of strength for you and your son would be developing your relation stronger with your Lord through prayers and following the sunnah of the Prophet (saw) as much as you feel is within your control. InshAllah Allah would put "Barakah" in your house and your actions, by which (inshAllah) Allah would bless your son with wisdom "Hikmah" with which he would be able to take the right step towards success at every stage of his life (InshAllah)
May Allah bless you and your family with all the blessings of this life and hereafter.
Re: Divorce children...help
Cyme,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am divorced and my daughter is turning 9 in two weeks. My ex husband left when she was 3, in the middle of the night, without saying anything to anyone. I have never heard from him or seen him after that day. My daughter did ask about him several times in the beginning but eventually stopped. That is not to say she doesn't miss a father. Even now she says she doesn't miss him she just misses having a father. Especially when she sees other girls with their dads she wishes she had someone she could call dad. Thankfully I live with my parents and brothers. My father and brothers have really done everything to fill in the father figure role, but ofcourse no one can ever fill that spot. But what is important is she knows she is loved dearly by many people and not all families are alike. not every family has a dad or a mom or grandparents, uncles aunts, etc...
If you need to talk, please send me a private message. Thanks.
InshaAllah it will be okay I promise.
Re: Divorce children...help
Whenever you face a difficulty in dealing with any situation, try this dua:
"Aye Allah koi kaam mushkil nahin jise tu assaan farma de aur jab tu chahta hai to har mushkil asaan farma deta hai"
Translation: "O' Lord, nothing remains difficult when you make it easy, and when you want, you make all the difficulties easy"
The above dua has made the worst situations in my life very easy for me to deal with and I was able to make the right decision at the right time, with the grace and blessings of Allah.
Re: Divorce children...help
Submission to Peace Brother - Thank you very much for your concern. I wasn't able to reply so I have no choice but to post here.
Thank you again.
Re: Divorce children...help
He is your sons father and you cannot take that away from him. Let me talk to his father if he wants to, and let your ex speak to his son whenever he wants to. Don't let your personal feelings towards your ex come in the way.