Hi everyone
My wife recently had some fertility tests done and they were not good. It turns out our ability to conceive naturally might be difficult or next to impossible. Without going into too much detail my dilemma is basically if we cant go through natural means and going through fertility specialists with IVF/IUI/Donor etc is not achievable or too costly I have been thinking of leaving my wife. Before I continue, I know I will get A LOT of flack for stating that but I just can’t fathom not having kids and seeing other people have kids. We wanted to have 3 kids but now we can’t even have one. I know this is a very immature and quite honestly shallow mentality but I don’t know what to do or how to handle. I’ve heard that people with low fertility can still get pregnant but I have just been thinking about the possible event that if we cannot and we have tried for over a year or so than I would rather part ways and get married again. Again…I know this is a shallow though but what would you do?
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
Woh rishta jo sirf iss bunyad par tod sakta hi.. konkay bacha nahi hosakta… aur khud app itnay kangly hian kay IVF procedure afford nahi kar sakty…
bechari… kis bandy kay sath phans gaye…
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
translation…?
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
I think you have answered your own question here… God tests those he loves the most. Would leaving your wife make you worthy of this love?
“Do people think that on their mere claiming, “We have attained to faith,” they will be left to themselves, and will not be put to a test?”
29.2
“God is with those who are patient in adversity”
2.153
My best wishes to you and your wife.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
Very sorry you are going through this but considering leaving her for the sake of something thats not even in her control, is very brutal dude. Rethink over it.
For example, what if you leave her and go with some other woman. How good that new woman be with you? will she be as loving and as caring? Wut if she is a psycho who wants to choke you with the pillow while you are sleeping.
Ok then you make her prego. whats the guarantee that it’ll end up in a living and healthy kids. Ok if you get healthy kids what if they treat you good enough cuz remember at some point Karma has to hit back and complete the cycle which you started by leaving your wife for something she couldnt do naturally.
I really dont see any rocket science here. But well its your life and your decisions. Wishing the best for you and your wife.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
I know of couples who have tried for much longer than that and were eventually blessed with children. There are many cases of couples who were told that chances were slim, but they conceived after doing lots of istighfar. I have sent you a PM in regards to that. Please read it and maybe you and wife can find some motivation.
If your wife is the one with the fertility issues, then keep in mind that this is much harder for her than it is for you. What about those couples who have suffered the death of a child…? How about the couples that have lost their one and only child and are at an age where they cannot have any more children? Imagine how so much of their life revolved around that one child and now that he/she is gone, is there nothing to hold that couple together? How about those couples that have a child with severe disabilities? Should they leave each other? Many of them remain together. I had an aunt who only had 1 daughter that grew up and got married and had 2 kids. My aunt’s daughter and her 2 grandchildren died in a plane crash back in the 80s. The woman lost everything; there are such people in this world, too. It’s something to reflect over. It’s like we’re all waiting in line for something or the other. Some folks are waiting to get married, some are waiting for a job, some are waiting for a child, some are waiting to get cured, some are waiting to find inner peace from the loss of something or someone that they will never get back again. I know it’s easier said than done, but it goes to show that none of these things is the be-all/end-all of life. When we get so wrapped up in thinking about that one thing in life that we don’t have, there are so many people out there who are enduring the trials that come with that very same blessing…or they have had that same blessing taken away from them. Hopefully there’s more substance/depth to your marriage…to where you won’t give up so easily on your wife.
Again, please check your Private Messages as I’ve sent you a PM.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
I think you should leave her. She deserves a real man who loves ‘her’ for who she is, not for what eggs she has inside her. Please do the decent thing and marry someone fertile. She may be a real b*ch and 20 years down the line the kids and family dream you left your wife for may really fk up your future. Please do it, as karma is real and everyone deserves true love. Let her be free.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
Welcome back! 
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
awww thank you!!!
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
I agree with this strongly has happened to an uncle who has a wife and kids who give him terrible azmaish
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
thats it? just over a year? We were unsuccessful for longer than that before we had our first child. My cousin had her first child 10 years after marriage.
Im not saying you should wait for 10 years, but a delay is a pretty common thing. Unless her tests showed zero possibility of having a child, Id say you have a good chance, provided you dont stress her out over it.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
Awesome honest post, you made my day. If the love is conditional towards wife then for sure it would be conditional towards children also and the relationship with children would also be for control, manipulation and power. if one cant love unconditionally they should not have children.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
I refuse to believe your stated motive for leaving your wife and marrying another woman just after trying for one year only. Its men like you who give us a bad name, selfish, self-centred, unfaithful and shallow.
You could have opted for IVF treatment, as its costs will certainly be less than marrying second time, or you could even adopt a needy child if having children is so important to you (and might sort out your Aakhrat), but well its seems you may have already made up your mind and just posting here to justify your actions and make you feel good about yourself, which of course will not happen.
Please go back to your wife and don’t give up.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
Yes that is very shallow.
I know of at least 3 couples who are either related to me or friends with me and who were in a similar situation.
Couple 1 (in Pakistan): Didn’t conceive for more than 8 years despite trying. Husband was considering a second marriage (without leaving the first wife), but ended up not doing that. They now have 2 daughters and 2 sons, Ma sha Allah.
Couple 2 (also in Pakistan): Didn’t conceive for 4 years, but husband never considered leaving or re-marrying. He said, that if there are not kids in their Kismat, so be it. They now have 2 sons and 1 daughter, Ma sha Allah.
Couple 3 (in Europe): Have been married for almost 10 years now. Unfortunately it is quite unlikely that they will ever have kids. However in our circle of friends these two are known as the biggest lovebirds. Them splitting up is the furthest thing from their mind.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
Love is always conditional and most people are shallow. I see it everyday. Spouses, siblings, kids of people who get debilitating illness suddenly. For a while they are all up to help there loved one, then over time, the sense of responsibility wanders, then it becomes a nuisance for them. There are a few great ones.
I do feel for your wife, for this is not under her control, But there is no point trying to be a saint, if you are not one. People leave there spouses for all sorts of silly reasons, like, you don’t excite me anymore etc.
May be it will be good for both of you to part ways. May be she will find one who doesn’t want babies, or is not important to him and will be happy.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
I meant to edit my post earlier, but didn’t get around to it,. I don’t know where I got the “just over a year” part…maybe I got confused with something else that I had read. OP hasn’t mentioned how long he and his wife have been trying.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
Hi everyone
Just to clarify we haven’t tried at all which I know is quite absurd but we wanted to be preemptive so we’re not shooting in a barrel of fish. After talking to my wife last night we came to the conclusion that she is healthy and not that old and we should at least try for a year before looking at alternatives.
I think doctors do have a stake in referring patients to fertility specialists and me and my wife came to the conclusion that although certain levels within fertility might not be in range but that’s just only part of the picture. There are some factors where science and medicine stop and God controls. That is not to say God only has partial control over this process but I think me and my wife got scared, me especially and this showed her that I was not true and loyal to her.
I really do love my wife despite the thoughts and actions I had. I am trying to be better and will work on being supportive. We all have flaws but I know this one is not acceptable and I have to work on being a better husband. If God does not give us children we will decide when that time comes. It is premature to even think that when we haven’t even tried.
Thank you for all your kind and upfront messages, it’s just what I needed to hear
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
That’s part of ethical dilemmas of pre-screening/pre-diagnosing. You have doubts, it’s fine.
In your case, the aim isn’t to dishearten you, push you to make immediate decision or put deadlines. It’s more about preparing you to face a future test so you mobilize all your ressources to face it in the best way ( it includes patience, time and money)
You signed Nikah consent before her fertility test and seems that your share a loving/respectful relationship whith your spouse, if you leave her now, it’s not paternity desire but easy way out, so the least you owe her is to give your best abilities in your relationship and stick together.
That’s the decision you seem to have made which is great.
Few things :
-it’s not anyone’s fault
-it can happen to any woman close to you (sister, daughter)
-having children more so healthy children is never not guaranteed 100% even if the couple is in the best form
-everyone faces hardships in some way
-there are very few domains where science is 100% exact
-power of faith, iman is grand
-perspective of live can evolve over time
May Allah SWT ease your situation and bless you both.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
I think it was a great idea that you talked to your wife. Your decision of leaving her was wrong and actually made me really angry. Because it could also be you who was infertile. How would you feel if your wife leaves you for a better man who can have children with her???
Before making big decisions one should always think what happens when same happens to you. And fear Allah before hurting someone.
Re: Disheartened with recent medical results
Dump her!
Jk
That would be such a douchey thing to do, you should keep her and try to get her pregnant.