Discussion

third_string · March 5, 2018, 12:56am

lol I was browsing reddit and came across this really sheltered pakistani guys bizarre thread

I’m a 26 y/o male from a conservative religious family and like many shareef desi boys I’ve sadly never been in a relationship. My family is now scouting for a girl (i.e. arranged marriage) since I obviously didn’t have anyone in mind - I’m kind of onboard with the ‘no point in delaying marriage’ idea since otherwise I’ll probably remain single af but I’ll be honest here I’m clueless as to how to proceed with it.
More specifically, how to get the ball rolling intimacy-wise with someone you’ve only seen a few times and have no past history or a meaningful conversation with before? My parents are cousins (I’ve already said a big no to a cousin-wife for me) and very tight-lipped about sex anyway so I didn’t want to approach them about this. I had a few rather specific questions too:

Is it bad form to have sex on the night of the wedding, would the girl feel awkward/underappreciated if you didn’t or would it be better to wait a day or two till she gets used to being around you? We’re in a major city and the girl would have to be a university graduate for my family to consider so it’s not like she’s some village girl with the ‘majazi khuda’ complex. Females’ opinions would be really appreciated on this one.

So you’re alone together in the bedroom after the wedding, what exactly does one talk about to ‘break the ice’ with someone you’re looking at spending the rest of your life with? I can generally make small talk with girls but we’d have something in common (friends/colleagues, work, school etc) to talk about. The most natural strategy to me in such a case would be to be upfront about the awkwardness of the situation and laugh it off but that could be a turn-off.

Is oral sex ‘unknown territory’ (sexually speaking) for Pakistani girls? I’ve heard religious opinions that say that oral sex (BJ, cunnilingus) is unnatural/disliked from an Islamic perspective. I don’t agree with it and I’ve made it clear to my family that the girl would have to be moderate/middle-of-the-road in terms of religion (no niqabi/purdah/ultra-conservative types) but I was wondering if Pakistani girls would think a guy is a pervert for going down on them the first time they had sex?

Last but not least, any tips on how one makes an arranged marriage lasting and fulfilling? What I mean by that is that is there a way to ignite that ‘spark’ or ‘butterflies’ feeling in an arranged marriage (which, let’s face it, are mostly a compromise by both parties)? Nearly everyone in our family has had successful arranged marriages (no divorces) and they generally get along well, but to be honest - with a few exceptions - I didn’t see much love or any kind of a spark (including in my parents’ own marriage), more of a going through the motions and “doing it for the kids” vibe to it. I don’t want my marriage to be like that, corny and teenage-y as it sounds I want to experience being in love at least once in my life.

What advice would y’all give him?

Best comment I saw on there

third_string · March 5, 2018, 1:01am

Re: Discussion

It’s crazy how many insecure and sheltered brown guys are out there, I think it’s to do with our culture.

redvelvet · March 5, 2018, 1:44am

Re: Discussion

He’s asking how does one get the intimacy ball rolling with someone you’ve only met a few times and have had no **meaningful conversation ** with before. Errr…the bolded bit would be a good place to start, lol.

Ask meaningful questions, get to know the girl better before marrying her, and you’ll feel more comfortable after the wedding. You both will be less like strangers that way.

third_string · March 5, 2018, 1:50am

Re: Discussion

The best advice came from a married man, they know what’s up

I got married not too long ago, and did the deed on the night on the wedding. My wife was super conservative and even dabbled with the full niqab with the face covered for several years. I could count on one hand the number of conversations we’d had leading up to the day we got married. We’d only had a 10 minute chat in the company of our parents before we got engaged.Getting home from the baraat, we eventually made our way up to the bedroom. I must emphasize at this point I had no intention of pulling anything this night. How I figured it would go is that we’d chat a bit, then put out the lights, turn over to opposite sides, and go to sleep, burping up the galicky quorma from the baraat.
We walked into the bedroom, and for the first time ever we found ourselves alone together. We sat up in the bed, and I proceeded to attempt small talk. She was staring blankly ahead, answering my questions with as few words as possible so as to just pass as comprehensible. I was complementing her a lot - specifically her looks, dress, the mehndi, etc, which she would blush and graciously accept. After about an hour or more. I asked her to scoot on closer as she was sat right on the far edge of the bed. Put my arms around her shoulders and continued with the small talk. Probably went on for another hour. I will skip the sordid details on what followed, but things gradually started escalating, one thing leading to another. We ended up doing it (taking it very slow and making absolute sure she was okay with it every step of the way). We did not use protection.
In the nights that followed, there is one thing that surprised me most of all: she has a much, much higher sex drive than I do. I never in my wildest dreams believed that would be possible. There eventually came a point where she would make increasingly ‘perverted’ requests on her own initiative. I had been led to believe that sex would be something that I would enjoy and that she would be compelled to provide me with as part of being a dutiful wife. This had been something I was dreading, but was refreshingly proven wrong on. Of course, my experience is only anecdotal, and I realize a sample size of 1 isn’t very statistically significant, but keep an open mind. You might be surprised. We did not have oral the first night, but did maybe a week or so later. We also started discussing the topic of kids a couple days in, even though we had been doing it without protection leading up to this. This was pretty stupid and should be discussed before you do anything naturally, perhaps even the first night, if you can steer the conversation in that direction. Don’t force it though.
Good luck

Illuminate · March 5, 2018, 1:50am

Re: Discussion

I don’t see this as insecure or sheltered at all.
He doesn’t have much experience in the dating game and that’s it.

It like learning a new subject. If you didn’t know the ins and outs of quantum physics then that wouldn’t make you sheltered, just inexperienced.
All his concerns are genuine and it just seems like he wants to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship at the end. He was asking these questions out of respect for his future spouse to make sure they’re both comfortable before moving forward.

Shareefbacha95 · March 5, 2018, 1:59am

Re: Discussion

I can see where he is coming from. I believe this is more of a anxiety or fear problem than an insecurity. He should seek a therapist and explore his personality more.

third_string · March 5, 2018, 2:03am

Re: Discussion

^Yeah the guy seems anxious, he doesn’t seem to know about bases. You gotta initate conversation, strike a connection, lean in for a kiss and make out and then from their on he should move bases smoothly. It’s really that easy, and I’m younger than this guy.

NavAhmed · March 5, 2018, 2:11am

Re: Discussion

May be he can hire @third_string as his mentor for guidance on sex and marital relationships.

SaeedinPakistan · March 5, 2018, 2:25am

Re: Discussion

:rotfl:

third_string · March 5, 2018, 2:28am

Re: Discussion

Thanks for the endorsement but I’m a strong believer in learning by error. The guy needs to be his own mentor.

NavAhmed · March 5, 2018, 2:50am

Re: Discussion

surely you can’t let this fella get mentally scarred by going down on a woman without making sure of a few things beforehand lol

decentGuy · March 5, 2018, 5:06pm

Re: Discussion

I think the guy is too explicit in his main three(3) questions. I too never had any relationship before getting married to nearly a stranger but those explicit things were the least of my worries. The other concerns though are totally alright.

Reha · March 6, 2018, 2:47am

Re: Discussion

I don’t think he’s being too overt or strange. He’s just lost and sort of stumbling through the process.

Sincerity has no language so start with conversation and honesty.

third_string · March 6, 2018, 8:43pm

Re: Discussion

Oh okay, what advice would you give for questions 1 and 3 ?

Deeba1234 · March 6, 2018, 10:01pm

Re: Discussion

I’ve often wondered about the sex on the wedding night thing..

Do people really do that in a completely arranged match? (As in no to little contact before wedding then doing the deed on the wedding night)

Reha · March 6, 2018, 10:58pm

Re: Discussion

The second line of my post. Literally.

You can’t expect to know what someone is thinking unless you communicate with them - especially if you don’t know them.

So talk and take it from there. If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to communicate respectfully and take control of your relationship.

third_string · March 6, 2018, 11:01pm

Re: Discussion

But he’s talking about brown girls in general and if they’re down with oral stuff. The comments i read of married men suggests it’s really common and that their wives will literally do anything? Idk if they’re exaggerating tho.

third_string · March 6, 2018, 11:03pm

Re: Discussion

I guess they do, some people say you have to do it before the valima otherwise marriage isn’t legit islamically (?).

NavAhmed · March 6, 2018, 11:04pm

Re: Discussion

Sex on wedding night has been romanticised and popularised in mainstream culture for centuries now. Personally speaking if I get married to a girl I barely know I will find it very awkward to get physically intimate on the very first night, but on the other hand there will be a feeling of lost opportunity, a kind of wistfulness and longing that I (or she) might reminisce in future.

redvelvet · March 7, 2018, 12:06am

Re: Discussion

And if I marry someone I barely know, I will beat him down with my blinged-out sunehri stiletto if he tries anything. :o