A friend’s daughter and family are in serious rishta talks with the other party. Obviously the arranged route.
The daughter has a history of severe depression, suicidal tendencies, extreme low self esteem.
None of the above has come up in any of the talks. Only immediate family, some close friends are aware of the above.
My friend says no need to disclose any of their daughter’s problems to the other party,as the other party will run. They feel let it all come out after marriage, everyone will deal with it then.
The daughter has been told by her family not to mention her 'problem’s to the guy, and is asking me WTH to do. She wants to confide to him, but is convinced all will then come to an end. I will not interfere in the rishta talks.
What would you do in given situation?
How would you take it if you found out your spouse had above issues?
I don't think concealing the truth is very ethical. This history of depression and suicidal tendencies will manifest itself again...what if she gets hit with severe postpartum depression and it effects how she interacts with the future children? I think her potential spouse has the right to know, imagine how confused and upset he'll be when he finds out...it's not easy to cope with when you're blindsided by the truth.
If it were a mild bout, that happened once ages ago and the girl had moved on from it and had herself under control, I'd say it's not worth mentioning upfront, but if it's quite severe and reoccurring, the groom's side needs to know.
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How would your friend (and their daughter) feel if they come to know after shadi that their damad was actually divorced before with a kid who is living with mom?
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They feel let it all come out after marriage, everyone will deal with it then.
Your friend is correct. The guy and/or his family will deal with this information when it comes out after marriage. One way they could choose to deal with it is by becoming hostile towards the girl's family for lying to them and the guy could become emotionally/verbally abusive towards the girl. Another way the guy could choose to "deal with it" is by divorcing her.
So you need to ask your friend what she prefers. Having the guy leave now or after marriage. Is she really willing to take such a huge risk with her daughter's future?
Frankly I wouldn't blame the guy at all if he chose to divorce her if he found this out after marriage. The issue here is not the depression but the lying/deceit. Its one thing if someone develops issues AFTER marriage. But in a situation where the person already has major issues BEFORE marriage, the guy has a right to decide whether or not he wants to be a part of it.
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The guy needs to be told, otherwise he will lose all trust after marriage when he finds out which will have detrimental effect for them. Why be dishonest when the truth will eventually come out. This will be worse for the girl in the long run. How can anyone start a relationship based on a lie? If their own DAughter in law were to b like this, how would they feel?
Depression is genetic so they need to consider how this will affect kids in the future.
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I'd encourage the girl and her family to first deal with her mental health first, before trying to get her married. Forget the opposing side, she is going to have a difficult time if she isn't taking care of her mind on her own first. Women in her situation are prone to abuse, which makes the depression worse, and then in that case, she might actually kill herself after marriage if her in-laws/husband pushes her buttons.
Having said that being married is protection in the mental health world to an extent. People have better outcomes in general if they're married and have family support than if they're alone, but she really should get her mind sorted out first before getting married.
I dunno. I used to have a similar past, and I'm thankful, I got myself together, got more balanced, and the mental health improved. I think back when I was in college, and crying over a frikkin B+ and other stupid crap like that...I dunno if I would have made a strong wife/mom. Probably would have driven myself into a divorce.
Tell her get her mind straightened out. A wife/mom role requires strong mental health.
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Doesn't seem right to make her hide and feel ashamed for her struggles. Seems like that would just make her vulnerable to future bouts of depression. Her instinct is to share the information, and I think she's probably right, but it's something she will most likely need to do herself. But yes, that may unfortunately mean the end of the rishta.
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The right guy for her will listen to her story, and want to get to know her and help her, and he will appreciate her honesty. He will be patient with her. If she doesn't find that man, in the mean time, she needs to work on making herself mentally strong. If it's a self esteem problem, that needs to be improved. Underlying causes need to be explored, and she needs + reinforcement and encouragement at home. Not parents looking to get her married off, as if that fixes everything.
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Guy has the right to know. I have seen quite a few thread lately about family/parents encouraging girl/guy to lie about something major in past or trying to cover-up. This is what scares me about arranged marriages. If I get into arranged marriage thing, I would go Magnum PI on the girl
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Op, you have already gotten quite good feedback, I see.
I'd tell you, my sister has epilepsy since her teen years. She used to get those torturous painful seizures here and there. When her proposal came, my parents decided to be upfront to the guy's side. After all we wanted her to have a supportive spouse and in laws. My now brother in law accepted it and had no objection. Alhamdulillah they are a happily married blessed couple with four kids mashaAllah. My sister does get seizures even now but the frequency is just too low, alhamdulillah and whenever that happens we all, including her in laws know how to pitch in for support. Her last episode was a few months back and even though we are in same city, by the time I called her to tell not to worry about kids and cooking, as I'll bring her food, she told me that her parents in law are already on their way (from other city) with cooked food and what not.
IMHO, In your friend's daughter's case, they should take the other family or at least the guy, In confidence. If the intentions are right, this guy may prove himself a very caring and supportive husband, hence automatically boosting the girls self esteem and also help with her depression related issues.
You don't want to dump your daughters on others, you want your daughter to be treated with respect, for what as a person she is.
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She needs a treatment more than shadi. Once she is stable only then her parents should think of getting her married.
Once she has clean bill of health from her doctor then if they do not ask then she does not have to provide her medical records to suitors.
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I'd encourage the girl and her family to first deal with her mental health first, before trying to get her married. Forget the opposing side, she is going to have a difficult time if she isn't taking care of her mind on her own first. Women in her situation are prone to abuse, which makes the depression worse, and then in that case, she might actually kill herself after marriage if her in-laws/husband pushes her buttons.
**Having said that being married is protection in the mental health world to an extent. **People have better outcomes in general if they're married and have family support than if they're alone, but she really should get her mind sorted out first before getting married.
I dunno. I used to have a similar past, and I'm thankful, I got myself together, got more balanced, and the mental health improved. I think back when I was in college, and crying over a frikkin B+ and other stupid crap like that...I dunno if I would have made a strong wife/mom. Probably would have driven myself into a divorce.
Tell her get her mind straightened out. A wife/mom role requires strong mental health.
Depends PCG, some people actually get a lot worse after marriage because of the extra stress and responsibility. I have a cousin who had severe OCD which hadn't been dealt with properly before marriage and after marriage it became a lot worse.. People who work in mental health wouldn't recommend marriage to a person who has unresolved issues like that because as already mentioned marriage will tend to add extra stress.. I think for a typical desi girl who'll move in with inlaws it would be even more to deal with.. Family support does help a lot but is it that likely that the inlaws/new husband will be that understanding about an issue that was deliberately hidden from them?
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Agree.. I think the bit in bold is the most likely outcome.. but then again the girl’s parents might do as others often suggest and tell her to get pregnant quickly so he’ll stay put (in theory)
Too many still think being in a bad (or sham) marriage is better than not being married at all..
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the girl's parents might do as others often suggest and tell her to get pregnant quickly so he'll stay put (in theory)
LOL….yea people tend to overestimate the sense of obligation in others. These days, anything is possible. One of my close friends was served with divorce papers by her husband when she was 2 months pregnant with their THIRD child (both pakistani btw). So yea…..the girl and her parents should not act surprised regardless of how the guy/his family chooses to deal with it.
In fact, once a child is in the picture, in the case of a divorce in the U.S., if the girl's severe depression/suicidal tendencies is bad enough (it comes back)……it won't be unusual for the guy to win full custody if he can show the the girl is not fit to take care of the child due to her emotional issues.
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Lack of knowledge leads us to experience these low point in our life.
any ways there is no need to discuss them with other party since every one go through depression in some form or the other.
as the OP mentioned, she is often suicidal. don't you think it's serious enough to inform the potential rishta? she is not having low grade casual depressions.
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as the OP mentioned, she is often suicidal. don't you think it's serious enough to inform the potential rishta? she is not having low grade casual depressions.
low self esteem often dont have the courage to do anything let alone take their own life. Anyways I may be wrong.
We all have issues, and potential rishta is also not left out. The best thing to do is istakhara that Is he the one she should go for? if so, then should she tell him or not?
Allah SWT will guide her to what ever best for her.
