Dilemma

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi all…need uropinions on this issue.
Suppose u and ur fiance both live in uk]. U r british citizen but he came from some other country on student visa…his visa is going to expire soon and he needs to apply for his extension but he is palnning not to apply for extension and live in uk without a visa…this is because he has having some financial problems and cant afford to get extension done…he is going through some rough time…u were going to get married to him in a 3years time after he has completed his degree…but IF HE STAYS IN UK WITHOUT A VISA and he gets caugth then he will be sent back to his country and will not be allowed to enter any other country for atleast 10years…now this will have a HUGE impact on ur future because u both were planning to live in uk after getting married…..U MADE IT VERY CLEAR BEFORE ENGAGMENT THAT U WILL NOT BE LEAVING UK AND HE AGREED!!!
]Now He says he is majboor to do all this…he understands the result but he doesn’t have any other solution…he cant go back to his country koz he doesnt see his future there…and situation is very different so he needs to stay in uk and earn some money…he says he might not b able to finish his studies as well because he needs to support his family back homeNow u being his fiance what would u do?

A: Would you ruin ur future for this guy (who has all the qualities that u were looking for in ur life partner) and support him in this decision despite knowing the result

B: would you ask him to either get his extension done or leave this country after his visa expires and start a business in his country so that he can support his family and no damage is being done to ur future

C: IF he does not agree with B and says he cannot afford to start a new business due to financial problems and he is going to stay in uk…..but if he is caught he will return back to his country……and if u want him in ur life then u will be happy to stay wherever he takes you!!!
Now despite u making VERY CLEAR b4 the engagement that U WILL NEVER LEAVE THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE ALL OF UR FAMILY IS HERE AND HE AGREED TO IT would you change ur mind and allow him to do this?

D: OR WOULD U NOT CHOOSE ANY OF THE ABOVE AND DO SUMTHING ELSE…..IF SO WHAT???

Before making any decision…bear in mind that U LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND U CANT SEE UR FUTURE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT ITS JUST NOT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO LEAVE UK AND HE KNEW THIS IN FROM THE START AND AGREED TO IT BUT NOW DUE TO CHANGE IN SITUATION HE IS NOT FOLLOWING HIS WORDS (i cant explain it here but take as IMPOSSIBLE THING TO HAPPEN). What would you do

Please provide ur sincere advice and opinions as this may make or destroy someone’s life
thanks a lot

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re: Dilemma

is it possible for you or someone else to pay for his extension of the visa? he can atleast then stay legally in teh country, work and study together?

3

re: Dilemma

How expensive i sit to apply for extension?? Cant he borrow the $$ and apply? It doesn't make sense. That person has to decide can she move back to his home country if that situation arises. Simply the "love" that she feels right now isn't gonna cut it when SH*T hits the fan....

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re: Dilemma

khawateen: Yes i have already helped him as much as i could but that is not enough.......he is working 4days a week and his income is quite good but he needs to pay the rent for his house and aslo for groceray stuff and many other things
some of his frnds have also helped him while he had applied for student visa so he can't keep asking them but there is still one hope left.......his best frnd treats him just like his own brther so he might be able to do sumthing for him.....BUT WHAT IF HE CAN'T?

Afro-Sheen: its very expensive....he needs to pay for his uni fee in advance and that 10times greater than normal uk students have to pay and there are so mnay other things to do as well

5

re: Dilemma

Help get the visa somehow....if not then forget it..

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My family thinks that if we help him now he might create some other situation in future where u wuld have to compromise AGAIN.....BECAUSE he is doing all this for his family.......but he shud think about his future as well
thats the only thing my family is worried about......he is NOT selfish at all.......he does not like asking for money he would do anything and everything he can to solve his own problems but the only time he would ask for help is when he knows it cant be done alone.......so its not that he will keep asking us ....the problem is he loves his family TOO MUCH and this indicates that something similar might happen in future where we DONT have to help him out BUT WE MIGHT HAVE to because its a matter of our daughters future.........i am stuck in the middle....i do want to help him out but i cant.....i trust him fully but i also agree with my family because i know HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIS FAMILY and its good i am not saying he SHUDN'T but i need to see where my life is going.......i want to make my future secure and not ruin it because of someone else.i think when a guy is commited to sum1 he shd not only think about hsi family but his other half as well because her future depends on him. Tell me if i am wrong guys =

7

re: Dilemma

i think ur family should help him...hes ur fiance? the man u want to marry? pretty much a no brainer :s

8

re: Dilemma

you better leave the guy....you said in capital letters that he loves his family too much.....and his family is back home.....so there will always be a conflict in his mind.......so leave him......or ask him to leave his family......

9

re: Dilemma

No i wouldn't suggest you to leave the guy based on him being not well off at the moment, your family can help him financially by lending him the money. Make sure they must tell him to return it when he is stable. That way he'll know it's not mufat ka paisa and use it for granted.

10

re: Dilemma

you see the problem is not that....she is actually afraid that the guy may do something in future in love of his family that she doesn't like.eg moving out of country.....and thats what her family is telling her....

11

re: Dilemma

Yeah, your family's concerns seem very legitimate. He may not be a bad guy and care deeply about you and not want to rely on other people, but there is something here that he hasn't straightened out yet. He needs to figure out a way to continue to help his family, while ensuring his future with you.

I wouldn't move continents for a guy who is failing to work out those details in his life. I know that sounds harsh and I know it probably isn't easy for him. But like your parents said, you need to make sure you are not going to deal with a lot of the stuff, just because your guy is failing to handle it.

I don't know his situation, so can't really say if it actually is possible to do or not. But here is an extreme thought: When there is a will, there is a way.

I am wondering about how bad his family's situation is that he can't finish his education first and then help them out, and that it is risking your relationship with him. (Potential warning sign for you here: If after telling his family that he doesn't even have money to pay for his visa extension, they continue to require him to send money (unreasonable amount - whatever that may be given his situation) while knowing fully well that it might just end your relationship with him, you will have TREMENDOUS problems in your married life.)

I would also suggest you think about the efforts that he has put in this situation to try to resolve it, being in that relationship with him, you probably want to help him out and be there for him, so ignoring his efforts can end up having heavy cost for you both. You want to try to be as unbiased as possible. But also think about what his life's decisions would mean for you.

Lastly, NO MATTER WHAT, I would suggest going against being illegal in the country. That WILL have a huge impact on your life.

If he goes back, you can sponsor him. It might mean that you'll have to marry him a lot sooner and before he is done his degree (but again, make sure he is not relying on you or your family).

All the best dealing with this!

12

re: Dilemma

I think your family should help him out for now.

I know you want to see your man as someone who can be strong and make it through thick and thin but what if it was you? What if you were in his shoes Ishi? What if you needed him to be there for you? Would he walk away from you?

As for his family, they ARE his family. He didnt just drop from the sky. You need to understand how a single guy works. He has been alone until now and hasnt had to care for anyone but his family so thats what he has done. After marriage, you will teach him how to care for you and his family.

The most important thing is............how is he with you? Does he care for you? Does he love you?

13

re: Dilemma

Here's my honest honest opinion and I'm afraid you ain't gonna like it.

I wouldn't have even considered this ristaa, I'd walk away from the headache. Why? Here's the turn-offs:

there is no garentee the student will continue to get their visa extended throughout their education thus he may need to leave all of a sudden...putting a strain on things
The debt that comes with being a student...I've been there and it isn't easy.
He cannot see a future for himself in his own country-that would put me straight off because I'd wonder why.
You made an agreement that you wouldn't move abroad, yet it seems to save the relationship this maybe the only option to take, even on a temp basis.
If he doesn't complete his education, his opportunities of employment are limited. He has already wasted money how ever many years he has studied for. If this is something he must do I'd suggest he speaks to the university and asks to defer.
If someone else pays for his extention how does he plan to pay for the business you have mentioned? Where will that money come from?
Why all of a sudden does he need to support his family back home and why was this not discussed at the time of discussing things like the fact you wouldn't leave the UK. Of canourse he should support his mum and dad, but why all of a sudden is this effecting him that he needs to leave his education and potentially settle for a second class standard of living?

You need to seriously consider the whole picture and how the future will be shaped by what your fiancee plans to do. Noone can predict the future, however some things you can tell by using your brain.

I usually agree with Reha, but today I say your family should not support him. If they support him this time round next time they maybe put on the spot again and again and again..and I don't see that as fair.

I understand where Curious Lady is coming from in regards to potential warning signs for future financial problems. These are things you need to seriously consider because a marriage is meant for life. Money is a big stumbling block in many relationships, and you won't be the first person who needs to sit down and consider their options carefully.

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re: Dilemma

If i was in ur place i would help him... ill put my luxuries aside and get all the money i can and pay for his visa. How much does the visa cost £1000 ?
If he loves you and u love him then you should help him out this time.

15

re: Dilemma

I think the guy should leave you if he ever want to live happily in his married life...

because you have to many conditions to love him... and he is obviously not born with the golden spoon.... he might be sending some amount to his family, to keep them alive, who might have taken some loans or somehow collected enough money just to send him to UK where he somehow is paying 10 times the fee a normal UK student would pay... plus his Papa don't seem to have a very good business or job so he have to earn money to pay for his day-to-day expenses along with UNI fee and here comes you in his life.. only to make it more miserable...

I pity the guy.. he is risking all his investment ( the amount he paid for the fee etc) and his future, whereas in these dark times of his your family is THINKING about the reasons for NOT to help him.. great going... and you are THINKING to leave him as well... so much for the LOVE you had...

Tell you what, if you have ever loved him for a minute.. just leave him... this would be the best gift you can ever give to him...

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re: Dilemma

well said :dannyboy:

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re: Dilemma

You probably won't want to hear this but he should go home if his visa has ran out and he doesn't intend to complete his degree. How has his student visa ran out before completion of his studies?

Clearly there is or will be an abuse of the system here if he is planning to stay in the UK illegally. You say he may not be able to finish his studies as he needs to work an support his family. Why is he in the UK as a student if he doesn't intend to study?

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re: Dilemma

u talk about love and thn say u cnt leave ur comforts and move away from UK, thts conditional love..dont u think?

19

re: Dilemma

^ Agree with above. Unfortuntely "money issues" have the potential to make a marriage very miserable. Instead of your heart, use your BRAIN to analyze the situation.

20

re: Dilemma

Um....what school did you go to?
It's dilemma....not delima.