Dilemma

Lifestyle Relationships
21

re: Dilemma

I don't have as much life experience as others on here, but my initial thought was that if you do really want to marry this guy and see your future with him, I am sure there is something you can do! I agree, parents will know best about potential future problems, but if your rishta was done through parents, surely they could come to some agreement with your fiance/his family as to what to do. Even if it means marrying him earlier than expected, so there would no longer be a visa issue. Although I am completely against the idea of him staying in the UK because of the strict consequences it can have, I also find it a little odd that you are so adamant about living here. Are you sure you actually want to marry this guy because of him, or just because of the future you have imagined?

22

re: Dilemma

Agree..

In most situations I'd say go with ur heart and ur gut instinct but being honest after u mentioned u would prefer to stay in the UK and he wants to stay illegally for a while, meaning it's prob only a matter of time before he gets found out and deported I can't see how this will work out.. Also, the fact that he's giving up his education to stay and work to send money 'back home' is a bit worrying, what's to say his family won't ask or expect him to live like he is now for the rest of his life?

If there's a dire need eg. they're literally starving or there's some emergency that's different but family who are ok with him being an illegal here just so they can have more money, do u think u can live with that craziness? And what will u do if/when he does eventually get kicked out of the country?

If ur determined to be with him maybe u could wait it out and see how it goes, if he can manage to sort himself out in regards to his current situation and his future plans.. the worst thing u could do would be to rush into a marriage with someone who is in such a mess imo.. Also, I wouldn't think it's a good idea for ur family to help him out too much financially, like someone else already pointed out, it could be that he ends up always relying on ur parents to bail him out when he gets into difficulty.. I know when ur in love ur emotions tend to take over but u need to try and use ur head as well as ur heart :)

23

re: Dilemma

2 Things You need to think about before marrying this guy:

1) He agreed to stay in the UK and now due to "situation change", he is not following his words. What guarantee do you have that AFTER marriage, he will not do this again? Once you become his wife, IF he stop following is words again for whatever reason....what will you do then? Divorce him or move to his country? Ask yourself what will you do if this happens after marriage.

2) He's ready to leave UK but you don't want him to. If in the future after marriage he starts having financial problems....I guarantee you that he WILL "blame" you for "making" him stay in the UK. Are you ready to be "responsible" for him staying in the UK?

24

re: Dilemma

Going back to your family supporting him I don't wish to be nosey so won't however have this to say: if your family support this son-in-law to be there will be an expectation from any other son-in-laws that enter the picture. Do you understand what I'm saying? He has his responsibilities, and you my friend have yours towards your family too.

25

re: Dilemma

Ishi88, If he cant get his student visa, then your family can arrange for some temporary work visa for him. Ask your family to get some employment for his (temporary basis). May be, you can ask for help from some of your acquaintances, who have their own business. They can give employment to him, and he apply for a visa on that basis.

Else, why dont you get NIKKAHfied. you are engaged and you will get married eventually ( planned after 3 years). In this way, he will become spouse of a british citizen and gets a legal right to stay in UK.

26

re: Dilemma

agree with this :)

27

re: Dilemma

Again, OP would be relying on her family to do this. This isn't her families responsibility, it's his circumstances that have changed. He needs to sort it out.

Having a nikkah done and him changing over to a spousal visa ain't plain sailing. Fees, proof of relationship, does the spouse work enough for him not to be reliant on public funding.

Before someone says get your family to sponsor him, please think about what you are asking your family to do! Why should someone you know help get him a work visa? I'm afraid I'm still not convinced of the urgency for him to earn and leave his education for a life whereby he'll be relying on favours from others e.g. getting your parents contacts and so on to get him work.

Here's an idea, consider the marriage thing, get a nikkah if that's what you want to do and go back to his home country live there for a while and then he can look at all his options carefully.

28

re: Dilemma

Paheli has said what a few of us are thinking. You need to weigh up the pros and cons. Do you work? If so can you not try and support him rather than turning to your family?

I know I'm bashing on about not turning to your family for support, however it's a given that if you work hard for what you achieve it has greater value in the long run and it's not your families responsibity to sort all this out either.

29

re: Dilemma

I strongly disagree with this. The guy in this case has 3 more years of schooling to finish...so I'm assuming both the OP and the guy are young (22 or under). For them to rush into marriage so that he can get his British citizenship is a BAD idea. Despite being "in love", this guy is ready to leave her right now for his family. He's obviously not in a position to financially support anyone. The OP obviously is not in a position to financially support a husband (she doesn't have the money to give him to extend his visa). So by them getting married right now....OP will still be supported by her own family....and her family is now forced into a corner to support their new son-in-law.

Above situation creates negative feelings on both sides. OP's family WILL look down on the son-in-law if they're forced to support him from day 1 of the marraige. The guy's EGO will be effected b/c he knows he's dependent on his wife and her family. Sooner or later....these feelings (from both sides) will come back to haunt them.

Besides....as I said earlier, this guy is ready to leave OP for his family. If they get married now....how does the OP know that the #1 reason the guy is marrying her is b/c he loves her...and NOT b/c he needs British citizenship? I know here in the U.S., I know several couples in-real-life where this happened. Marriage was rushed b/c one of the spouses needed citizenship....and once they got it....things changed. I have 2 close friends who're divorced now......1 was a love marriage (very similar situation to OP's), and other marriage family-arranged to her 1st cousin.....the "immigrants" in both cases now have their U.S. citizenship......and both my friends are now divorced women.

Personally, I would never take such a huge risk with my future. The OP needs to seriously consider the very potential consequences before MARRYING a guy right now so he can get his citizenship....especially a guy who already went back on his promise to her and is ready to leave her.

30

re: Dilemma

Ishi:

One things you need to always remember....there is not "allow"ing him to do anything. If this guy wants to leave the UK and return to his family, you can not stop him. Even if you marry him, you can not stop him. Despite promising you, he's ready to leave you (ie. his fiance) right now. As I said earlier, what will you do if he wants to leave the UK after marriage? Will you divorce him or move with him? If he changed his mind once....he can do it again.

31

Re: Dilemma

what I dont understand, is where did his family or the guy get the money in the first place to send him abroad for his education? If they had money for that, why dont they have the money now to extend his visa, and why do they need him to support them?

maybe he needs to find another place to live that is cheaper, work to make the money to extend his visa, and pay for school (but Im still confused how his family could afford first year tuition and now they need to be financially supported). There are cheaper places to live...he needs to make sacrifices....there are students who live 3 or 4 people to one bedroom to save money! you cant live in luxury if you cant afford to pay for school. And if his parents sent him to UK for his education, they are better off finding the money to keep him in school, and letting him get a proper job, rather than working odd jobs to support them right now, and in the long run, if he doesnt finish his school, he wont be able to support his family, and wife and kids in UK at the same time.