Hey guys-- im in a real dilemma over here- ok here’s the story- im 21 yrs old and im with somebody-- mashallah hes a great guy and he’s lead me onto a great path- i used to b aparty animal always wating to go out have fun b bad and wat not and after ive met him ive changed so much- and because of him im so much more towards islam-i am on the right track now- I really love him alot and we both want to be together in the future- but my only problem is that hes going for his MBA and he has 2 yrs to go- but my mom has been looking into rishtey for a while now-
so i cannot tell her about my guy because hes not ready yet and hes only 23 and he said clearly to me that “i need 2 yrs then we can look into engagement/marriage, so dont bring me up to anyone” so i cant tell my parents anything – as for the rishtey guys- ive seen quite few and rejected them–
now heres the dilemma-- yesterday a family came to our house and i saw the guy he saw me- blah blah the same way every girl is like a furniture show piece and talks less and looks pretty watever- now there is NO flaw in the guy we met yesterday i mean i cant even say mom hes not good looking, i cant even say he looks old or young, i cant even say hes not financially ready to support me- i mean i have NO excuse this time-- what am i to do–?? im really afraid now because ive already rejected the guys before that came and my parents wanted to know the reasons and i gave them stupid reasons- and now im all out of excuses— im really scared-- i don’t know what to do
I say tell your parents about this guy who you like..he is 23 pretty young and i am guessing you'll be either 23 or less..i dont see any rush for you or him to get married..just let your parents know and see what they say abt it. I am sure they'll want someone educated for you they shouldn't mind waiting 2 yrs.
Now if the guy is just trying to avoid marriage then you might want to rethink abt waiting for someone who is not willing to marry you.
i would recommend you to do istekarah.....do it 3 times if you dont get an answer for the time of doing your istekarah. Do it for the guy you want to marry.....ask Allah for his guidens. Sometimes we think something is gud for us but in reality it is not.
If you dont know how to do istekara let me know i'll let you know. the other thing you can do is apni mom ko trust main leh kar un ko bata do.....tell her that you really respect all the efforts they are doing to find you a gud match. and you think this guy is good for you but only if you give me your concent.....show that their decision is more important to you and that you trust them. the key is to show them that their concent is important. talk to her like a friend....the way you would share your secrets wid a friend....even tell ur mom that you trust her like a friend....
btw how sure are you that this guy after 2 yrs will still want to marry you?.....tell him to do nikah at the moment and then you can wait for him for 2 yrs as your parents wants to do your shadi as soon as they can......i think if he is an honest guy and if he understands your position he wouldnt mind doind a nikah and if he just passing time than gal he is not worth it.
i hope and pray deeply from my heart that things work out for you!
my sister got her nikah done while her fiance was still in da middle of things....
there is no such thing as engagement in islam so its easily broken and leaves one party (and sometimes both parties) sattered.
I agree with Z and will give you a scenario within my own family. My sister and her husband went through the exact same situation. They met in school, were invovled in PSA, MSA and really liked each other. They wanted to get married but my sis was still in undergrad and my BIL was still in grad school with another two years to go. My sis was also getting rishte left and right.
Both parents were told and agreed that a simple nikah was the best way to go. The nikah happened, they graduated, the rukhsati happened and Mashallah now they live about 30 minutes away from us.
I would suggest dont make the mistake of being with someone who cannot wholeheartedly commit to you now. If he wants to make it work, he will because thats what LOVE does. It makes you commit to a person through thick and thin.
You dont want to be that girl who wakes up one day with regrets thinking she spent the best years of her life with the wrong guy making memories that wouldnt last.
i would recommend you to do istekarah.....do it 3 times if you dont get an answer for the time of doing your istekarah. Do it for the guy you want to marry.....ask Allah for his guidens. Sometimes we think something is gud for us but in reality it is not.
If you dont know how to do istekara let me know i'll let you know. the other thing you can do is apni mom ko trust main leh kar un ko bata do.....tell her that you really respect all the efforts they are doing to find you a gud match. and you think this guy is good for you but only if you give me your concent.....show that their decision is more important to you and that you trust them. the key is to show them that their concent is important. talk to her like a friend....the way you would share your secrets wid a friend....even tell ur mom that you trust her like a friend....
btw how sure are you that this guy after 2 yrs will still want to marry you?.....tell him to do nikah at the moment and then you can wait for him for 2 yrs as your parents wants to do your shadi as soon as they can......i think if he is an honest guy and if he understands your position he wouldnt mind doind a nikah and if he just passing time than gal he is not worth it.
i hope and pray deeply from my heart that things work out for you!
my sister got her nikah done while her fiance was still in da middle of things....
there is no such thing as engagement in islam so its easily broken and leaves one party (and sometimes both parties) sattered.
Agreed!
Please do think about the guy your mum introduced you to......I mean you say you don't have an excuse to say no, does this mean you might have been interested if the other guy was not in the equation?
If your parents found a guy you cant refuse...dont let it go for someone who is not going to speak to your parents and make his intentions known.
You know all you need in your partner is a good amount of sharafat? If he is shareef, half the battle is won IMO! Why? Because he will work to win you, he will come forward, speak to your parents, tell his parents, listen to the elders, hold your hand and marry you. That is what shareef men do...they marry you without thinking twice.
Even if you let your parents know, if somehow he changes his mind after two years or so, it would severely disappoint your parents and effect their trust on you. For the time, to be on the safer side, don't bring your relation with him into the picture in front of your parents. It is quite possible that they might not appreciate this idea that you have been hanging out with a guy. I know they trust you and don't doubt your character, but usually when a Muslim girl informs her parents about her appreciation of a guy, it is natural for them to become suspicious about him and learn more about him, as you might not be able to give them a complete picture of the "nature" of your relationship with him. For parents, daughters usually are very innocent who might easily fall trap to a boy who knows how to impress innocent girls. secondly, it is also natural for parents to get offended by the thought that you rejected all their choices and now you have come up with your own choice. This gives a strong message of you being smarter while MOST parents always consider their children to be too innocent and not mature enough to make such a big decision of life, and they (parents) have all the experience of the world to decide what is right for their child.
If he is really interested in marrying you, he shouldn't mind his family come over to your family, develop understanding and decide any date in future, WITHOUT mentioning your involvement with him. If your parents ask you, you don't need to lie to them. Tell them that you have met him in school, college,...etc. (whichever is the truth) and he has a very good reputation of being a boy with a good character and manners.
In this way not only you would be able to see how sincere is he in marrying you (because if he is really interested, he wouldn't mind requesting his parents to meet your parents and decide a date of his choice). Secondly, even if (Allah forbid) this relationship doesn't work out, at least you wouldn't be feeling guilty in terms of disappointing your parents, because in the end it was THEIR choice, you only "agreed" to continue with it.
I might be totally wrong, but this is how I sincerely feel. I have seen people who thought that there is nothing wrong in sharing with their parents their past friendships, but that lead to a great misunderstanding and other complications. Besides that, like Z said, there is nothing wrong in doing Istekhara as Allah (swt) knows BEST!
OK, well it seems like to me that you do want to get married and you seem to have a mature head on you, mashallah. Good for you!! I think that what you need to do, before telling your mom about this MBA guy, you need to talk to him. I dont see why you guys cannot get engaged now and remain that way until he has finished his studies. When he has finished his studies, you can both get married. In my culture in Pak when a couple gets engaged, they do a Nikah and have the rukhsati for later on. That way, there is a legal committment, but you are not living together as husband and wife until you have the actual marriage. You need to ask your MBA guy if he is prepared to do this - if not, then you know his intention and you need to look eleswhere for a potential husband. If he agrees, then bring in your mother and talk to her about him. Good luck!
Even if you let your parents know, if somehow he changes his mind after two years or so, it would severely disappoint your parents and effect their trust on you. For the time, to be on the safer side, don't bring your relation with him into the picture in front of your parents. It is quite possible that they might not appreciate this idea that you have been hanging out with a guy. I know they trust you and don't doubt your character, but usually when a Muslim girl informs her parents about her appreciation of a guy, it is natural for them to become suspicious about him and learn more about him, as you might not be able to give them a complete picture of the "nature" of your relationship with him. For parents, daughters usually are very innocent who might easily fall trap to a boy who knows how to impress innocent girls. secondly, it is also natural for parents to get offended by the thought that you rejected all their choices and now you have come up with your own choice. This gives a strong message of you being smarter while MOST parents always consider their children to be too innocent and not mature enough to make such a big decision of life, and they (parents) have all the experience of the world to decide what is right for their child.
**If he is really interested in marrying you, he shouldn't mind his family come over to your family, develop understanding and decide any date in future, WITHOUT mentioning your involvement with him. If your parents ask you, you don't need to lie to them. Tell them that you have met him in school, college,...etc. (whichever is the truth) and he has a very good reputation of being a boy with a good character and manners.
In this way not only you would be able to see how sincere is he in marrying you (because if he is really interested, he wouldn't mind requesting his parents to meet your parents and decide a date of his choice).** Secondly, even if (Allah forbid) this relationship doesn't work out, at least you wouldn't be feeling guilty in terms of disappointing your parents, because in the end it was THEIR choice, you only "agreed" to continue with it.
I might be totally wrong, but this is how I sincerely feel. I have seen people who thought that there is nothing wrong in sharing with their parents their past friendships, but that lead to a great misunderstanding and other complications. Besides that, like Z said, there is nothing wrong in doing Istekhara as Allah (swt) knows BEST!
Even if you let your parents know, if somehow he changes his mind after two years or so, it would severely disappoint your parents and effect their trust on you. For the time, to be on the safer side, don't bring your relation with him into the picture in front of your parents. It is quite possible that they might not appreciate this idea that you have been hanging out with a guy. I know they trust you and don't doubt your character, but usually when a Muslim girl informs her parents about her appreciation of a guy, it is natural for them to become suspicious about him and learn more about him, as you might not be able to give them a complete picture of the "nature" of your relationship with him. For parents, daughters usually are very innocent who might easily fall trap to a boy who knows how to impress innocent girls. secondly, it is also natural for parents to get offended by the thought that you rejected all their choices and now you have come up with your own choice. This gives a strong message of you being smarter while MOST parents always consider their children to be too innocent and not mature enough to make such a big decision of life, and they (parents) have all the experience of the world to decide what is right for their child.
If he is really interested in marrying you, he shouldn't mind his family come over to your family, develop understanding and decide any date in future, WITHOUT mentioning your involvement with him. If your parents ask you, you don't need to lie to them. Tell them that you have met him in school, college,...etc. (whichever is the truth) and he has a very good reputation of being a boy with a good character and manners.
In this way not only you would be able to see how sincere is he in marrying you (because if he is really interested, he wouldn't mind requesting his parents to meet your parents and decide a date of his choice). Secondly, even if (Allah forbid) this relationship doesn't work out, at least you wouldn't be feeling guilty in terms of disappointing your parents, because in the end it was THEIR choice, you only "agreed" to continue with it.
I might be totally wrong, but this is how I sincerely feel. I have seen people who thought that there is nothing wrong in sharing with their parents their past friendships, but that lead to a great misunderstanding and other complications. Besides that, like Z said, there is nothing wrong in doing Istekhara as Allah (swt) knows BEST!
This is the most sensible approach from start to the end.
Thank u everyone for your great responses-- Now the thing is-- after reading your advices- i talked to him last night and told him how i felt and i am really confused and so upset- i started to cry and hes like i cant see you cry- honestly people- mashallah he is such a wonderful person so sweet, loving caring and always there for me when i need him-- most guys wuld want so much from a relationship and we havent done anything bad- allah ka shukar hai- and i see him only once a week- he lives in new jersey and i live in Ny- so its hard for us to meet alot-
so i spoke to him about it and i said im stuck now- i dont know what to do because i do have rishtey left to right and i have to wait for u to b done after 2 yrs and i was crying while saying this to him- hes like you know what forget everything i said- if your parents are really setting you up and going into it then ill talk to my family and have a rishta sent over-- but i kno that hes going to have to fight for it bc his family is not ready for him to get married but he is- because he doesnt want to lose me and nor do i want to lose him-- god has really blessed me and has made him walk into my life and i am very thankful to him- and now i really cannot lose him
so im afraid his parents will not agree YET-- so i dont know hes really going to have to fight for it- and i dont want him to fall- i know hes strong and he wont give up easily- but i dont want either of our parents getting upset at us- u kno... but thank u everyone for ur help-- really appreciate it-!! i can always count on everyone here-- thanks soo much for understanding-- lets hope everything works out- keep me in ur prayers -- :(
wow he sounds like a really..........................................shareef guy.
i thought they were extinct.lol
but he sounds wonderful and he sounds willing so inshallah everything will work out for you guys.
I thought they were extinct too- trust me its soo hard to find a decent guy now-adays-- there hiding man!!-- but yeh i cant lose him- hes one of the best mashallah- veryy shareef- :)---
Girl fight for it and it will be worth it in the end. Trust me I have been there done that and if you really want it then be strong but most importantly have faith in Allah SWT.
grow up girl. your leading people on a merry go round knowing they have no chance in hell of hooking up with you, since your heart lies with elsewhere.
if he is your future let your parents know and stop playing with people's emotions.
how hard is it to say the very same thing a bit nicely.....
grow up girl. your leading people on a merry go round knowing they have no chance in hell of hooking up with you, since your heart lies with elsewhere.
if he is your future let your parents know and stop playing with people's emotions.
grow up girl. your leading people on a merry go round knowing they have no chance in hell of hooking up with you, since your heart lies with elsewhere.
if he is your future let your parents know and stop playing with people's emotions.
Hello there-- well i understand ur point- kinda-- not really-- but there is no merry go round- were together , love each other and are very happy- whos leading who- i really dont know bc mayb u read it wrong sumwhere- were both just trying to figure out how to get things together for the future-
AND I will let my parents know- when we both are ready- mainly him- hes only 23 right now- still young- i understand his point of view also- kheir anyways- im not playing with anyones emotions- if i wanted to i culd hav done that in my 21 yrs of life- but no hes my first and i want him to remain my first forever--
