Dilemma thats killing me

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Dilemma thats killing me

Wow..it took me forever to read through all those posts!!! Great advisors here with LOADS to say!!

I have a little suggestion for you two BEFORE you contemplate living together. Why not have her do 'trial runs' of things you would like her to practice when you are living together, like wearing a hijab or even to try to develop a relationship with your parents by calling them at least once a week.

Also, if you have concerns about her religious knowledge, you could suggest she starts becoming more proactive about learning by going to religious circles in her area.

No one should do anything because they fear their husband or feel compelled to do something. If she can show change before living with you, she will probably be able to change after living with you, even more.

I do believe that you cannot make a person come towards their religion until they are ready to do so. Only Allah can say if she will or can change after marriage through your influence or influence of other good people. But if she is willing to come towards Allah by herself, the odds inshallah will be in your favor for a happy successful marriage.

Also, if she is not willing to do this or is unable to show progress in your areas of concern over a period of time, it may show that it will be harder for her to change after marriage and hopefully this will help guide you further in your decision.

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Re: Dilemma thats killing me

i so much agree with redvelvet.live together.share good moments without lecturing or being critical.earn that love n respect where she follows u unquestionably n blindly.mend her ways lke u mend a child.praise for every single effort she makes no matter how trivial.
if u want her to pray regularly u can start by praying together intitially.then slowly start going to mosque together.that will help her getting used to the idea n being more regular.having circle of friends whose wives wear hijab also make it easier for a lady to wear one or atleast think abt it.but always remember go slow n steady.never expect results right away.remember the harder u push the more resistance u might experience.so be mellow n flexible keep working on that goal n even if u never succeed completely u still b very dear in Allahs eyes for being a good muslim n better husband.

Should India welcome all Pakistani minorities who want to leave Pakistan?
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When I initially read your story it seemed really familiar. but I feel that we are only getting one sided version. Someone I know seemed to be like your partner. The reason why she was acting like her was one yes she also came from a very unstable household. The guy she was engaged to seemed okay but a bit of a mumma’s boy. He also wanted to sort out issues that the couple had. The girl was really unhappy with the way that the her inlaws were treating her before marriage and felt the only reason that the guy was being decent to her (90%) of the time was for visa issues.
He like yourself was a mosque goer etc…but it was later revealed that the reason why the guy had not resided with his parents since he was 18 was that his parents had kicked him out after he had unknowingly raped :hoonh: a girl.
He felt bad for his actions and then decided to be all allah allah.

I am not saying that this is you. But I just view all people that preach to girls who are not hijaabi just because of that a bit KUKU. she may have a better heart and soul than all those other Hijaabis out there.

Sorry but just from my point of view and just needed to vent,…

random questions
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Re: Dilemma thats killing me

^ how do u "unknowingly" rape a girl?

I feel like..
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being drunk? Thus losing your inhibitions and control. And a guilty guy, with a single-cell for a brain, might rely on such a lame excuse for such a hideous crime.

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Re: Dilemma thats killing me

^ too drunk = not physically possible to rape someone.

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^ of course not too drunk. But drunk enough to lose inhibitions and control. Either way, it's wrong.

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Re: Dilemma thats killing me

DAMN.. thats not me fo sho :)

Very true Zash....

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Keep these beautiful advice coming my way!

Jazakallah once again, all of these are very helpful.

Inshallah, I will keep you all posted with my life.

Please remember me in your duas and Allah will bless you with better!

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I am glad that you have decided to give it one more chance.

Remember that our guide is prophet Muhammad saw and he never judged ppl. Instead he spent good time with ppl and inspired them to become better ppl. His good character was enough for ppl to accept Islam.

Don’t judge her and don’t make hijaab such a big issue. If you inspire her softly and gently she will perceive Islam as a gentle religion and will study it more and inshaAllah get inspired to practise her religion more with time. BUT if you are harsh, demanding and judgemental u will be sending the message that Islam is harsh, demanding, judgemental and so which might not be too appealing for a person who has not had a guide in her life.

There is a hadith about a sahabi who was going to Yemen for dawah and the advice he got from the prophet saw was that he should first teach them tawheed, then teach them salah, then zakah, then saum etc…
He was not told to take ALL the steps in one go! Things take time and that is the wisdom our prophet saw used when he approached ppl.

It is all about communication and taking one step at a time. Hijaab is not the first step here. It will come once the person gets more knowledge about deen. The first step here is to show her the beauty of islam by your gentle attitude. Then involve her in study circles and then slowly she might understand the concept of hijaab and decide to use it in her daily life. Don’t even discuss hijaab with her. Let her decide herself. I am sure she will get inspired if her surroundings are gentle and not harsh and judgemental.

She needs a guide who can teach her by his gentle actions and NOT by demanding words!

This is also your test on how you perceive yourself and how you can help another person in need.
Help her and you will inshaAllah get rewarded. Remember that it will take time for her to change. It might take a couple of years and what you will reap in that time, you will harvest later on.

As I told before, it took me some time to realize that not all ppl are bad to me and I trust my husband more than anybody now. If somebody has shattered your trust, it really hurts one besides the insecurity it creates.Be prepared that this is a LONG process and don’t expect things to change overnight!

Another example I can give is about inspiring others in deen and not preaching harshly. Before we got married my husband just mentioned once that he has read that plucking eye brows is not allowed.
Since I at that time was really keen on doing it, I just said that yes I have read about it but it shouldn’t be a problem since I am trying to be a good Muslim in so many other aspects.

After that he didn’t mention it once and was always an inspiration towards deen. Instead he has discretely worked on improving my self esteem so that I don’t consider a detail like eye brows as the most important beauty factor any more and actually I stopped plucking totally on my own without anyone telling me to stop. It is a small thing but just an example that wisdom and inspiration are sources to changes. Not judgemental behaviour.

Pray 2 rakah of Hajjat and ask Allah for help. inshaAllah all your matters will be solved.

May Allah guide us all. Amen

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What inspires me the most is such real life examples, sister.

JAzakallah for mentioning these. Also, if you have more even petty examples of daily conduct that you feel have brought changes to your or any others marital lives in light of Deen, please mention those.

Your husband is indeed a wise person Mashallah and would love to know more about such things.

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Re: Dilemma thats killing me

imagine someone telling you "oh your clothes are bad, they are western, you have to wear something more modest and cover your butt". even if they back it up islamically, will you be ready to follow asap?? you'll prob be annoyed that those ppl are in your face. you have to accept the person AS THEY ARE at the nikah. she is going to feel hurt that you want to change her. it doesn't matter whether you justify it saying it's 'good' for her...that too can sound patronizing....like she doesn't know what's good for herself. so when you marry a person, go in expecting them NOT to change.

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Re: Dilemma thats killing me

Salam brother. any news?:)

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I sent you a Private Message( this thread is getting too long)