Snazzy,
This is exactly what I want! I want someone to point out where I am wrong and how can I improve.
Reason I married her was because my parents liked her and in our limited conversations, I got the impression from her that she was a religious minded person and although she didn't have all the knowledge, she had the right intentions to mould her life further in according with Quran and Sunnah. She is good looking, but looks were not my priority rather Deen was. I am not sure how much I could inquire/talk to her about her deen but I tried to stay within islamic limits in order to know her more. My parents, and other family members were satisfied as I had them look into her more since I did not want to indulge in haram by going gung-ho in "knowing" her.
I respect hijabis big time and I have nothing against them whatsoever. I would be delighted to marry a niqabi if I was to find one. As long as they were following the deen, I would be totally fine with whoever it was. I am not the most perfect muslim at all. I strive to improve, I may have become even weaker over the years. The point I have been trying to make is that I come from a normal desi muslim family and my essay is to elaborate that I have intentions to become a better muslim going forward. I;d love to have a wife who encourages me and whom I can encourage. My parents are liberal compared to me and I have never gotten any push from them in matters of Deen. I don't look good at all. She is probably way better looking than I am :)
Her family doesn't even pray Juma! I didn't know that until later...
I took that chance because I consulted people around me who have been in my shoes including ulema and they said this is normal, people change once you start living together etc. This was my main issue and I made sure I discussed this in detail.
You could be right! Alhumdulillah, I was privelleged all my life and my wife prolly wasn't which has effects on her way of thinking.
I did not know she had trust issues.
I know for a fact that I have the ability to change some of the cultural things especially the prayer one you just mentioned. I make a point that whatever I do in deen has a daleel from Quran and Sunnah and not that a pious person recommended it. I feel Islam is very logical. Its ironic but when I saw her praying, I was shocked! she did pray just like you mentioned and I didn't want to interrupt unless I had made sure. That was on my list and I was just thinking about it yesterday. That is not a big deal at all! I am sure if ulema prescribe that, there has to be a reason but we should confirm that as well. Those things can be worked on. What bothers me is when someone self-interprets quran. I have a very strong opinion on this issue.
One should accept Islam and not self-interpret things. It is different not to act upon "everything". Its okay to say, I am weak, I don't apply this in my life. Its wrong to say, I don't think this is what it means, or this is outdated, or I don't believe in this interpreation.
Jazakallah for your beautiful suggestions! Inshallah I will try my best to implement.
What I don't understand is why you married this girl in the first place? She doesn't do hijab and you seem to want her to, you knew she had trust issues, her family is not very religious b/c they only pray jummah and are not big masjid goers- the only thing you said is that she prays regularly. Did you just marry her because she looked good? She matched your looks well- i.e. she was a good height/face/complexion?
From the tone of your posts, you seem to have a very high opinion of yourself too- you think yourself as the perfect balance between religiousness and modernness- and you wrote a whole essay on how you pray and watch movies and how you go to the gym and buy good brands and how you look so good that one would think youre going to a club on the weekends. I think you also have a bit of an ego problem. You were probably doted upon your whole life, and are used to being the apple of your parents eye and being praised by friends and relatives. You sound like you are as disillusioned with marriage as she is, that you "don't deserve this" and you were good your whole life and want someone who equal to you- the perfect wife. Not perfect as in beauty or religious or subservient, but perfect as in agrees with all your views, and is visually a good match as well (since you think you look so good). Look at how you talk about her:
You seem to think it's only her with the problem.
What I don't understand is why you didn't marry a hijabi girl and are instead asking her to consider starting. Is it because you found hijabis a little too conservative, not as fashionable while you consider yourself as a modern muslim?
But this girl seriously could be as you say- I think it's very wrong to ask one;s husband to break off family ties. Sadly it's VERY common, especially in the west, for girls to expect this. Maybe she needs time, especially with her trust issues. Also you mentioned some feminist views she has that are unislamic. Can you please elaborate? There are a lot of cultural things that are confused for religious. Did you know that the way they teach salat in pakistan for women (being close to the floor, having elbows resting on the floor during sajda) are not true islamic requirements, but just what scholars back in the day thought appropriate? elbows are never to rest on the floor, because it imitates a dog's position.
I think that both of you have to mature CONSIDERABLY. You would have been more compatible with a more religious/conservative girl with a less strong personality. I don;t know why you took a chance with her thinking that you'll be the one to "help her become better". The only thing I can think of is that you liked how she looked, or she warmed you with her personality early on. Secondly, I would be very insulted if I married someone that thought that they can improve my life by marrying me. You need to get out of this mindset- that is YOUR immaturity, and may be a cause of the problem as well.
Sorry if I am taking the tone of your posts the wrong way. The only advice I can offer you is that 1)look at her perspective on thing, step into her shoes. 2) be patient, sometimes time can do a lot 3) Remember that everyone believes that what they're doing is right. You think you are right, and she thinks she is- this doesn't make one or the other more right. You have to put aside your "righteousness" and learn to understand 4) have realistic expectations- nothing will be perfect 5) If you two find you are truly incompatible and too different, it sometimes is better to break things off before ruksati than it is to live a life of unhappiness out of the fear that you won't be able to remarry after divorce.
It's good you're doing counseling. Inshallah, Allah will help you both through this. I hope i haven't been too harsh on you. I'm not saying your wife is right- I'm just saying that you need to open your mind a bit too.