Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
Years ago, while hanging out with a male cousin and his hi-fi friends in Khi, they were having a good laugh over how one guy was being hauled by his family to various girls' homes but for him, the attraction was the awesome khana they were served each time. People put their backs out to serve mazedaar khana in the most stylish, impressive way possible. I was 20 at the time but so disgusted at this guy's arrogance. But then again, can't blame him.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
^ I've seen and experienced big tables laid out especially when people are from out of town, with dessert and chai. Sometimes when they are 'speed-dating' - jumping from one house to the next then chai is sufficient. I guess as Muslims we are obliged to be good hosts. Log kya kehengey if there aren't 3-4 chai items at least. :o
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
Beghair time diye hoye kesi ke ghar jana..acha nahi hai. In tea1234..case..the fella's mom showed up coz she was in area and without the actual guy who intends to get married. Well she shouldn't have done that. She was probably excited to see tea. But everything aside..why being so negative about all this?. So you want chai parade to end..sure. I can understand frustration. Women are not show-piece...but tell us how would you want to be approached. So say..fella's mom come over properly for rishta. And they would like to see you. So help..fella like me understand...what exactly you women want? And how would you like to be approached. I am not being sarcastic or anything..just a honest question.
It's not about the "chai parade" but you need to realize how nerve wrecking it is for a girl to go in front of people who are there for the sole purpose of "checking her out". They watch every word that comes out of your mouth and every move you make. And sometimes when they bring all extended family with them and some men the way they look at you from top to bottom. It's disgusting. I have nothing against this rishta process. But we are not some Qurbani ka janwar that you check it out kitnay daant hai and kitna meat hai.
The only thing I would say just as PCG said that what goes around comes around. If people go to meet the girls family with this thought that they have daughters as well and they might go through the same process then I am sure things will get better.
@bisoux and yes I don't understand this. They bring the guy with them and yet when the girl and the guy start talking to each other, the mothers or the sisters try to cut that conversation short.
And before people get all worked up about it. We are not saying all men or all families are like this. My opinion is based on my experiences and I am simply stating that. I am sure there are more nicer families out there than the kind I have come across so far.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
The only thing I would say just as PCG said that what goes around comes around. If people go to meet the girls family with this thought that they have daughters as well and they might go through the same process then I am sure things will get better.
This.
I have been through the rishta process and it can definitely be damaging to a girl's confidence and self-esteem. My standards were not high. The most important quality I was looking for in a husband was that he treat me and my parents with respect. Meanwhile, I was being rejected by guys and their families for not looking a certain way, or being too short, or not having a certain degree, etc. Alhamdulillah, I am now engaged to a wonderful man. His family stood out to me from the very beginning. One of the first things his parents told us was, "We just want you to know that we also have daughters so we understand how stressful this process can be. We want all of you, and especially your daughter, to feel comfortable enough to ask any questions that you may have. It's the best way for us to get to know each other." Knowing that they actually empathized with us (and with me in particular) was a great feeling and it definitely made me less nervous.
On the topic of rishtas, what I've learned from my experience is that people in general (larki and larkay walay) need to be more open minded. We need to stop putting such an emphasis on things like salaries and looks and focus instead on personalities.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
My 2 cents
Give your sister 6 months to chill. I know people are gonna get pissed, but im going to say it anyway. She is 25, that's like a good age because nobody is gonna call her OLD, and she has a lot of time to pick and choose. When you get to 29/30/31 you have to start giving up some of your initial requirements because the pool of ristas is gonna go down. At 25 she can look at guys 25-35 at 30 she's gonna be looking at 30-35/36.
From what I read here, she was a bit picky, you mentioned a really good guy, family was good too, but your sister said no and didn't consider it. Im guessing it was like during the beginning of the rista process, and now she is having a bad spell with rejections/bad guys, and she thinks she's not gonna find someone. Give her a little break, but you and your parents should still be on the look out for a good guy. Allah has someone for everyone, you just have to find him. Also I don't get the people saying she looks bad. I thought you give a picture to the rista lady and she shows it to the guys family.
Perhaps get another rishta lady and continue looking.
Honestly getting married is like getting a job, you have to go to a lot of interviews, and a some will say no some will say yes. You see where you like and you go for it. But if you never apply, and try to get a job, it wont come to you.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta—my sister’s experience
I have never been able to fathom why MILs/SILs have any opinion on a girls’ LOOKS (when the guy may have his own preference of looks). Family, behavior, personality…I GET that. But looks? You creepy old women, you’re not going to bed with her.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
We have been taking a break from it all for 6 months except one guy who came in the middle, but I wasn't here so I can't comment. Anyways, it's been quiet lately so things are at a standstill for now. Different rishta aunties sometimes circulate the same families you have met before, so it's like errr :/.
This truly is a painstaking process for the one who is looking to get married and the family members. :(
May Allah help us all find righteous spouses who can keep us happy Ameen.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
maybe there not looking or they are not willing to lower there expectations, The people that I see who are single (among Pakistanis) is because, they were pickly, didn't start looking right away, or have something that messes them up, like they spent 3/4 years engaged, they guy left, and then they have to deal with having been engaged, and losing those years. Or to be honest, they said no to a lot of rista's for like a boyfriend and when the boyfriend should have proposed, he was just using them.
Ofcourse there are girls that just aren't pretty/rich/whatever else people are looking for, but usually if they drop there standards, be willing to get someone from Pakistan, they can find someone as well. It sucks but if you really want someone, u can usually find someone. Obviously, your gonna spend your whole life with the guy, so you don't want pickup just anyone. But obviously, if you go back to Pakistan, you will have a bigger selection.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
lol, because everyone looks at the new wife, and says she is pretty. Also, the kids are going to be looking like her and the guy. If she is good looking, the kids have a better chance of better looking as well.
Anyway, its the same for girls, everygirls mom wants the best for her daughter as well. The problem for girls is that we have a time issue, guys have afew more years to pick and choose.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
lol, because everyone looks at the new wife, and says she is pretty. Also, the kids are going to be looking like her and the guy. If she is good looking, the kids have a better chance of better looking as well.
Anyway, its the same for girls, everygirls mom wants the best for her daughter as well. The problem for girls is that we have a time issue, guys have afew more years to pick and choose.
sorry but that's BS. If the guy has his own personal preference as to what he wants (bigger, skinnier, darker, lighter skinned, shorter taller, whatever) it's none of the women's business what she looks like and to dissect her like they're buying cattle.
a new bride, a happy wife, is always going to look beautiful, and well kids are kids...i doubt anyone is going to find their own grandchild/niece/nephew ugly.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
Also, the kids are going to be looking like her and the guy. If she is good looking, the kids have a better chance of better looking as well.
That's not true. Children don't always look like their parents.There are rather plain, ordinary looking people, who have gorgeous children and vice versa. I know a couple of people who don't look like their parents. I'm not implying they aren't good looking or anything but look nothing like their parents.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience
well common sense would be for the guy's mom and whoever else to agree with the guy as to what they want in a daughter in law/ wife. No body can be dark/light, short/tall at the same time. 2 nobody is going to say there kid is bad looking. But its like you, you know what you are (pretty, ugly, average) and guess what so do ur parents. But they love you either way.
But for most people beauty is like a bit similar, maybe u have ment women who want the total opposite of what there son wants, in that case, they should just let the son decide. I have mostly seen women who pretty much agree with there son's as to whats considered attractive. I mean nobody is going to say pretty zina is ugly.
Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta—my sister’s experience
^lol took me a while to realize who that is
No, kids don’t always look like their parents. It’s all up the mix of the genes.
I’m too tired to write anything right now.
