Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Lifestyle Relationships
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In the beginning my sister was on board with the whole rishta thing. Many parents came over out house with their sons. My sister rejected the ones who were interested and my sister was rejected by the ones she found interesting. The saddest point was when this couple came with their son, who looked like a stump pumpkin (sorry and astigfirullah), but we never pointed any of this out to the rishta lady. The audacity of that family to tell the rishta lady that my sister did not look good in person!! I mean that guy must be fooling himself or something and I never talk about a guy’s appearance until this one came along.

Anyways we became disheartened and then met one more family. They were very interested with my sister and she was given the freedom to contact him or even meet him. She didn’t him a chance at all and just made up the fact that he “seemed” dominating, but she never really held a conversation with him. Every time we brought up why she doesn’t like the guy she would start crying.

Now I feel really bad for my sister because idiots like that pumpkin guy keep saying horrible things to the rishta lady after meeting my sister. I know she is not into this anymore, but at the same time I feel like she is hiding something that she won’t let out since she cries or shuts down if we talk to her.

I feel like there is no point in even considering to look at new rishtas if she’s not willing to, but my parents are stressing themselves out, which is horrible for their health since my mom is diabetic and my father has blood pressure issues.

We have speculated and tried to find out if she likes anyone, but all her friends have said she doesn’t. Maybe she truly is happy single? How to tell my parents this? I feel like my sister should tell me she’s not interested anymore so we can figure out how to explain it to my parents.
Ps, we never told my sister the comments that were passed on to the rishta lady.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

how old is she?

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

About to be 25
I think I'm mostly annoyed by the comments passed on her looks. It's upsetting!! How can people be so insensitive :(. Why don't they look at themselves in the mirror before passing these comments. Ugh I have this anger ,

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

My guess is that either she likes someone or used to like someone and is getting over them/grieving them because things didn't work out.

My suggestion to you is to convince your parents in a very logical manner that if they'd like to see her settled down...they have to give her some space and time.

Once she's ready, she'll move on and start looking around herself.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Or she might be crying because she's frustrated with the process of being shown around, and rejected by guys she likes and only getting the ones she does not like!

The rishta lady should be a buffer, she has no right to be passing those comments to you in the first place. She can just tell her male clients, ok, great, let's move on. Why tell you what those families said??

Then find another rishta service entirely, I suggest. Or have her joint public organizations where she can meet other like-minded young desi individuals.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

PCG do you suggest those ICNA or ISNA marriage convention things? I agree that rishta aunty had no right to tell us wth the others thought, it's not like we told her how fugly that guy was for example. I'm sure she's frustrated, I'm frustrated for her! I had an arranged/love marriage sort of thing so I have no idea how it must really be to go through the crappy process.

Reha, I'm not sure she likes anyone now, but she had a crush on a guy in her sophomore year of college, which didnt really go anywhere. I'm not sure if she is still grieving over that. Her best friend doesn't think so, but then again her best friend is self absorbed and ruined her chances with that guy in the first place. I think the hardest is to convince my parents to relax and not stress themselves.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

She is 25, she still has lots of time.

I am 30, still cannot find anyone, and my life is one bad rishta story after another, and a gazillion useless encounters on rishta websites.

And then these religious pressures of getting married early, and getting married to younger girls, as if they're all Rasuls getting their Aisha's (rolleyes), or something.

Oh and add to that the 100 requirements that are had of the girl: she has to wear hijab/she cannot wear hijab (right there 50% of the pool is wiped out with that sort of thinking), she has to be thisssss skinny like a pencil, she has to be a doctor vs. i want her to be 19 and no college even, she has to live with the in-laws and / or tolerate their interference, blah blah blah, it just doesn't stop.

I can understand why desi guys throw their hands up and marry gori girls, problem is that you can't do that being a desi girl - if you marry a white guy it's like you have to fight through Mordor for it.

So, solutions:

-have her focus on her education and higher learning, mainly for herself, but also that if she's active in society and people will know about her, maybe someone will have the aqal to inquire about her more. And she will more likely find someone like-minded. This, however backfires all the time, because the moms of highly educated guys often still want someone 8 years younger who will sit at home.

-have her engaged in projects that involve her religion and culture - so involvement with ISNA, CAMP - a great one actually, it's just an excuse to find a spouse, tbh, they don't accomplish much as an organization except holding networking dinners, APPNA. And if you go online to facebook and just put in keywords, you'll find all kinds of other societies.

-have her get involved in the organization that represents your ethnic community. Different communities sometimes have their own jammats or community centers, even abroad. Just connect with them, and if they're not doing anything, then get involved and plan an event.

-matrimonial events, lots of that going on. Actually we should have a running list here somewhere documenting what sort of organizations there are out there. Go to them. I've never been to one, but I know people who have and 99% of the stories I hear are disappointing. But you can always make friends, and you never know, you might find him there.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta—my sister’s experience

Looking for Love and Finding Awkwardness at ISNA

Funny article about networking at ISNA.

This should answer your question on how useful it is to go to these events.

Problem is simple: our desi men are a hot mess. one huge extensive group of hot messes.

Let’s fix our men.

Fat → make them lose weight
Unfashionable → take them to mall and dress them up properly, mommies!!
Video game addicts → true story one guy tells me “I play video games, I will try to make time for my wife” → STOP BEING A 13 YR OLD KID
30 yrs old and holds a high school diploma or an associates degree → let’s gather some chanda money and make him finish college → giving exams builds some character
Violent temper/anger management → send to psychiatrist anId anger management classes
Uber religious maulvi → encourage these people to direct themselves to like minded families, no our daughter will not start wearing the hijab for your family
Drinking and womanizing men → mothers need to spend more time slapping them and denying them $$$, instead of praising what an awesome kid he is to everyone.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Lol PCG your posts! She's actually quite involved in whatever that may come up and I think she's more outgoing than I was, so no problem there. No one has really taken an interest in her from her circle of acquaintances etc. She is a hijabi and I know what you mean when people narrow down their choices by setting standards like only hijabis or no hijabis etc. A few refused on the grounds that she wears a hijab and some mothers even complained that she covers up too much oye!! You can never win! Obviously this sent my parents into paranoia since they weren't that enthusiastic about her starting hijab, but eventually accepted it.

Oh and some ****ty mothers will talk to my mom and ask about my sister's complexion prior to anything! My dad was so furious about this.

I am not sure how else one is supposed to look for a spouse when no one around you is taking interest and the rishtas are retarded. How are the matrimonial sites? I don't know why they scare me.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Lol at desi guys giving up and marrying gori girls,but some of these guys are the ones who have set standards and are picky too! It's not just the mothers I think.

We actually have a family friend who married a gora convert and she had to go through a bunch of drama. Her dad was actually not that harsh in retrospect, but the only thing with him was that he was against her getting married prior to getting into and finishing medschool. She wanted to get married and get away.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

She still has 3 to 5 years before your parents should be getting worried about her marriage.

I would suggest to talk to her, in the presence of your parents, and tell her that she has 2 to 3 years to find a spouse on her own. Give her freedom, I think she has lost hope on rishta aunty process and is not willing to pursue it anymore. Encourage her to take the lead without any pressure from rishta aunties. She can use options as suggested by PCG.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

You need to be thick-skinned (or oblivious) to deal with the cr*p that some of those aunties come out with..

Agree with the post above.. Give her time to find someone on her own..

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta—my sister’s experience

Gems of our culture. Darn it! Everyone is entitled to their choice/opinion but i understand some people are so delusional about their self that they don’t realize or pretend not to know what they are asking for is not their “aukat” to ask for :mad:. They can be as ugly as it gets yet they would not shy away from wanting a Barbie doll just because they were born with a pair of balls. I think your parents and you should keep your sister away from all the negative feedback. You are the sister, you should sit down with her and ask her what she wants and help her with the whole thing.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

To the OP...

Even if you find the most perfect guy for her...unless she's happy with herself...it ain't going anywhere.

She has to get out of the house and PCG gave some really good suggestions on organizations she can become involved with. There's a higher chance of her meeting someone if she goes out and has a good time and focuses solely on that. Nothing else.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

^ Sad part is that these organizations are only located in certain cities. Great if you live in NYC or the DC/VA/MD area where you have CAMP. Atlanta also has a young muslim professionals organization and they do fun activities to keep themselves busy too, by the way.

Where I am, we have nothing like this. One of the universities here has an active PSA, but it's all 19-22 yr olds. The closest I would have to drive to would be Atlanta to be part of activities, and with my job, I barely have time for that. :-/

So, that's why I rely a lot on internet websites, which a lot of us who don't live in high desi populated areas do.

I even moved to a city, btw, where I worked for a few years where there was a huuuuge desi population, but no organizations for young people to get together and meet up. In fact, I was arranging my own meetups in the area, by networking on facebook with random people. I made friends by literally just "friending" random people in the area that seemed normal, and of those people only like 2 responded of which I met 1. I invited another girl I met at a show to a dinner with my friends, and she said her mom was going to have me over, and I never heard from them (obviously I'd be competition for the rishtas she's trying to set up for her daughter rolleeyes although interestingly I introduced her to some friends from work that maybe could have been interested in her).

So let's face it, our own society is soooo frikkin clique-ish, that to meet people is VERY HARD.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

I've also heard of a muslim youth activity type org called IMANA. A friend of mine was using it to network with other young muslim professionals when she was looking years ago, but I haven't looked into this. They supposedly did trips, like travel trips, and group activities. Kind of like these new singles networking groups out these days for mainstream Americans.

That's what really needs to happen.

ISNA only meets once a year, so it's not even a realistic option. Out of hundreds of people that go there, there may be 5-6 couples / marriages that form from it. Low yield, VERY LOW YIELD. I wonder if the ISNA guys actually examine how productive these events are!

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

I've never used rishta aunties, because I refuse to let those old hags hurt my self confidence and self esteem, as if there isn't already enough in my life stressing me out.

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Reha, she is very outgoing and never misses a chance to involve herself in whatever that comes up. So it's not really about her not going out.

PCG, I really think one of the problem is the cliquish-ness that you are talking about, but also how people have pre standards set in their mind and won't get past them. It's good to have standards set, but people need to be open minded too. One more thing many desi guys are too afraid of their parents lol.

Oh and I have noticed if you talk a lot with the guy in your first meeting then the parents will give each other glances like the girl is too forward. Wth are you supposed to do then? Read minds?

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Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

I honestly think these desi aunties and men need to grow men. Like pcg said they are a "hot mess" and how come most of them are not getting higher education. I don't understand this, why do desi paki men have less doctorates then their counterpart other Asians? and why do they have to get married at 19? and why don't these rishta aunties ask these questions from the guy's parents. I think every time someone says anything about your sister's look, you should point out their low education and baldness.

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Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

I say give your sis a break. She is just 25. Wait 2-3 yr more. Who knows someone may come along sooner than later! :) all the best