Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Did you exchange photos before meeting the rishtas?

22

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

whole chain of naive women.
Raishta dude say things to rishta aunty... she passes it on to your mom.... your mom passes it on to you... as his comments are divine words..
you pass it on to you sister....

See where the actual problem is ??
Was your mom princess of every one's heart ??? was rishta aunty princess of every one's heart ???
yet they found their own prince and lived happily ever after. so would your sister ... you and PCG...

I like what PCG said ... rishta aunty is supposed to be a buffer... I say fire her for bringing in a stumped pumpkin masquerading as a rishta.

23

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

People are soo nasty sometimes. My horrible relos kept telling my sister that because of her dark skin, she will need to make "heavy compromises" and accept any half-decent rishta that came her way. They brought her a rishta from a family that lived in a village, boy was a barely-there graduate, and did farming for a living. This rishta for my sister who is highly educated and ambitious (she runs her own consulting firm now). Thank god my mum was strong and told these relos to buzz off. It was a horrible time for my sister though.

OP, I can only imagine the stress and anger your sister must be going through. She needs time and lots of love from her family. She needs to hear that there is a LOT more to her than her physical appearance. Perhaps you should pre-screen rishtas that come your way before she interacts with them? Background checks, educated-ness of the family etc.

Things will get better. Don't let this one family/rishta aunty stop her from meeting genuinely nice guys out there. Good luck!

24

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Argh.. don't even get me started on these rishta aunties and this rishta process. I think they really came up with it to kill the self esteem and self respect of the girl. So recently, this aunty decided to come on fly to our place because apparently she was in the area. I was super mad as I just came from work. Anyway, so the mom and the guy are there. I actually thought the guy is decent.

But guess what? Turns out that's not even the guy they came for. She brought the younger brother because the guy they came to see me for just came from work and was tired. So I am just >< this close to telling my mom to stop inviting these random people.

OP, I know exactly what your sister is going through. Just tell your parents to hold off on this process. And just as someone else suggested, talk to your sister with your parents there. And tell her that you guys will not be pressuring her or inviting anymore people unless the rishta is actually worth looking at. And she should take this time to try to find someone herself. But do remind her to not delay it too much. In the end, she will get married when and with who Allah tala has decided for her. All you guys need to do is make the effort.

25

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Umm where did I say I passed the comments on to my sister? I was just expressing my anger.

I beg to differ on the naive part. My mom needed to share the stupidity of the lady with someone, so she told me. Naive? Erm really.

Thanks for the rest though.

26

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Always.

27

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

give her time and a say in this matter...rishta is for her, after all.

those insensitive men and their handlers must be quarantined because they carry a virus.

28

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Get on these Internet websites - ex half our deen is a haven for hijabis FYi and their membership is just 5 dollars a month. Talk to EvERYONE on there. I met some off there that are actually good catches.

29

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

The whole rishta process over a period of several years had such a profound effect on my self-esteem, that even though I am now happily married, I'm still recovering. like wtf??

The system is so flawed. Bisoux, your parents should screen the rishta and his family before allowing them to come over - does he meet the minimum requirements etc. We need to protect our girls. Sure, we also reject guys for various reasons but the chai party parade really needs to come to an end.

30

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

My friend in pak told me that she knew of some (despicable) ppl who were not seriously looking for a rishta but just wanted to see what was out there! So mom and sisters used to go for chai party parade to prospective (not) bahu/bhabi's house just for timepass!!!! I really couldn't believe my ears when she told me that. They actually openly admitted that to her. She was not the prospective rishta though, she just knew them somehow.

31

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Beghair time diye hoye kesi ke ghar jana..acha nahi hai. In tea1234..case..the fella's mom showed up coz she was in area and without the actual guy who intends to get married. Well she shouldn't have done that. She was probably excited to see tea. But everything aside..why being so negative about all this?. So you want chai parade to end..sure. I can understand frustration. Women are not show-piece...but tell us how would you want to be approached. So say..fella's mom come over properly for rishta. And they would like to see you. So help..fella like me understand...what exactly you women want? And how would you like to be approached. I am not being sarcastic or anything..just a honest question.

32

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

They pre screen them as much as they can, but we still get surprised by the stupidity afterwards.

So here is one. Both parents were doctors and from an affluent family here. My sister kind of liked the guy, so she was talking to him like anyone else would, but then the parents started exchanging glances. Umm is she too forward for you guys? Is having a conversation with a guy a no no? Were we not rich enough? I mean why sit there and make obvious glances. Disappointed to say they were educated bunches. Keep your expressions to yourself at the other's home.

Ah whatever thank God we haven't had anyone over in ages. How else can one pre screen other than exchange emails, talk to the rishta lady and then talk to the guys parents on the phone?

33

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

We don't mind the chai thing because sometimes its a good time filler in between awkward silences.

I am just complaining about the attitudes and unrealistic expectations from some of the guys who should look at themselves before saying something negative about another person.

34

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

^Ok..now i understand..it is about un-realistic expectation. Like what..whether..we find you attractive or no? Aren't you women entitled to same right??. Ya..our ammis will say.."larki moti thee bahot..or patli thee" "bas theek thee" "family khas nahi thee", "kahin or bhe dekhtay hain". This is all part of rishta process.

35

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

I wasn't falling head over heels for my husband when I first saw him. Why not give the person a chance?
I would have understood if that guy was even average looking. Ugh I give up.
We will all find someone ok happy.
Btw xtron I am not criticizing all men here just expressing a frustration from the various instances. Relax.

36

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

A guy's family does not have the right to talk like that. Firstly, such a mother is putting the idea in her son's head that "beta no matter how YOU look, you deserve Catherine Zeta Jones, and this girl we saw was not like her". So you are TAUGHT to base your rishta on lust first and foremost.

Which I thought lust was the entire reason our community keeps so much segregation, boys and girls cant' talk, girls can't go out alone, etc etc? So why then focus on lust topics as priority for a rishta.

Just look past appearance and meet the girl and talk to her. Furthermore, I don't get why it matters how the mom perceives the looks of the girl. It's like in our culture, the boy's mom is getting into bed with the girl, not the guy himself.

It's a turn-off. Sorry bout it.

37

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

B..i apologize..if sounded a bit rude or anything. And i have sisters as well..so i understand..the frustration. May Allah make it easier for all of us.

38

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Really xtron, may Allah make it easier on your sisters too in the process. What goes around, comes around.

39

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

LOL!.really..why do i feel that..stereotyping is just coming left right and center from you. Yes..i understand..that some moms..put in their sons.."chand see bahu" type of idea. Well what i am trying to tell you is that..not all mothers like that. Secondly, i do agree..that there is segregation in our culture..but who are YOU blaming. If a man or a woman chose a life-style to busy themselves all the time..without taking time off for socializing..then you won't go far. Be it guy or a girl. In this day and age..you need to be active. I cannot stress that enough. Some of the very good friends i made when i was young..and still are best buddies. I am very social guy and yet have a time for family, career and all that. So yes..life is as it is..which is: is not perfect..and so am i, or even desi community. Well live with it.

40

Re: Difficulty with finding a rishta---my sister's experience

Ameen. And if anyone doesn't find my sisters suitable for their son. I am not still criticizing them. Well..this is their choice..if they think my sisters are "patli, moti..ye or wo" then..sure..there are plenty of girls they can find. Ya..your what goes around come around. At least..my mom or family members don't say any negative stuff about a girl. All they say is..rishta munasib nahi hai..and that is it.