As some of u may be aware, im married and have a child. I am very depressed over certain issues in my relationship. My husband has this controlling aspect to him and after being with him for nearly 10 years, im starting to lose my own personality.
I lost my father in very difficult circumstances and i am still dealing with the loss, so im starting to feel very depressed, like in a trance all day. i cant release myself from this. im am completely lost without my dad and i dont have anyone that i can honestly and openly speak to. and this has in return started to affect my health. i have lost alot of weight and i am starting to go into depression. i dont like talking to my family becasue the loss has hit them hard aswell and all i end up doing is being their shoulder to cry on.
back to my first issue, so im down as it is, and my husband has an issue with what i wear (so on my way back from work i put another longer jacket on to cover myself up) although im covered enough anyway, or if i go into a shop and he is waiting outside, i will be running around like a headless chicken cos if i take a little too long he becomes awkward with me and the whole day is ruined. What really got me down was i had to stay at work a little late, big job i had to do, and i called him and he made it so awkward for me i ended up walking out of work. instead of sayin ok deal with it and we’ll talk when i get home, he said go and hand ur notice in. i was so sickened that he made the stress so much worse that i walked out of work.
Normally i just get on with it, to avoid awkwardness, but last nite i completly lost all respect for him. i have so much to deal with and he adds to the stress. Today i am still fuming, but more than that i feel like im going into a black hole.
how can i deal with all the problems and refrain myself from going into a hole. im so sick of everything
I will give you a ver practical solution to your problem but most if people for some reason are very scared or uncomfortable with it so they don't go that way. And the solution is first get treated for depression medically. Once your head is clear enough to think straight then u will be able to make a right decission. I have been there when I used to be depress and it's really painful to deal with. I was also dealing with a loved one's death and other family pressure over my education and stuff.
I went to my doctor and she gave me very low dose of anti depressants and trust me it worked. Yes it didn't solve my problem but it decreae those painful feelings and made me feel a lit better to actually start to make decision to fix some of the problems in life. I would really really encourage you to try anti depressants. Please give them a try.
Salam Ruby,
I'm really sorry about your dad. I can understand how difficult that could be which is why I would suggest you talk to someone about it instead of keeping it all inside. It's easy to think that the pain will abate overtime and you just have to wait it out but trust me, there's no better medication than sharing it with someone who would understand how you feel. If you can't talk to your family members right now, approach a good friend.
More than anything, you need your husband's support during this time and from what you've written , he seems pretty withdrawn and indifferent. Has he always been this way? If this is something new, talk to him about what might be causing his recent behavior and let him know about what you are going through and how his behavior is affecting you.
Nothing beats open communication between you and your husband.
I'm not trying to justify his behavior or anything but people react differently when they they see a loved one going through pain or depression especially if it's long-term. In no way is it okay for him to be an A-hole to you but maybe this is his way of coping with your depression and wants to get your attention or mind off certain things even if it means being harsher and being picky about things that never seemed to have bothered him before.
Like Yanzala suggested here, going to a doctor might also be a route but try to hammer out any issues that you can help with before you head that path. Those medications are just a temporary psychological fix, but at the end of the day you have to control and fix whatever problems are facing.
Red Ruby - I am sorry about your dad. I pretty much agree with what the above posters have suggested you. I would recommend that you both should seek counselling and the reason I am saying this if you tell your husband about his wrong doings he will flare up I do believe that communication is the key but from what you have written anything can trigger his anger so it's better to seek counselling and let a third party tell him about what he is doing wrong . You also need to work on your depression. I believe that you need a closure. There i something about your father's death that is bothering you. I have been through a major loss in my life too but like people say time is the biggest healer but in your case time is definitely not healing up your wounds. Seek a professional help so that u may come to know what you really NEED !.
I believe that your husband is also going through a phase. There is something apart from you that is bothering him and you become the easy target for him to take out his frustrations.
well i have spoken to a therapist about my father and to be honest, i appreciated it for the first 2 meetings and then after that i felt like i didnt want to talk to anyone about it because all i did was talk and then i felt more upset than before. i didnt help me at all.
mu husband is a great dad but the little things have begun to make my life difficult, like daily things. he has always had that tendencies to control but with everythin else that is going on in my life, this is sumat i just cant dela with anymore.
^ now that you have seen a therapist you should deal with your father's death religiously. Google some facts on death in islam , discus this with some religious scholar or the imam of your masjid. Someone whose words can console you. Because as per my experience ultimately religion is the only thing that can give you mental peace and gives you the strength to accept certain things in life the way they are.
well i have spoken to a therapist about my father and to be honest, i appreciated it for the first 2 meetings and then after that i felt like i didnt want to talk to anyone about it because all i did was talk and then i felt more upset than before. i didnt help me at all.
mu husband is a great dad but the little things have begun to make my life difficult, like daily things. he has always had that tendencies to control but with everythin else that is going on in my life, this is sumat i just cant dela with anymore.
i am in so much pain mentally it hurts physically
Please keep on going to therapist and see if he can add some anti depressant to your treatment. As Yanzala said above once you overcome your depression you will think straight and will be able to communicate your feelings to your controlling husband. At least you will make the right decisions at the right time.
**first of all, i'm sorry to hear about ur loss and the situation u r in. i would suggest that u go and see a Psychiatrist and get treated for ur depression. secondly, don'y lay over and play dead when it comes to ur husband. men tend to becomes nastier if u let them. so, stand up and tell him to buzz off. really, some men get their way when their wives are a weakling. u should start working again so that u r ready financially if God forbid push comes to shove and u have to part ur ways. do NOT let him rule over you! MARD bano :) and that's the key.
Please seek help before this gets worse. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is used in mainstream counseling for depression (unless you want something else) and it is only an 8 weeks program. It may be different based on your case.
There's one Ayat..Inna Lilahe wa Inna Alahe Raj'oon...keep recite this Ayat with translation evertime...specially when ever u miss your dad and when u go to sleep...trust me it will work magically in short time...
I suggest you speak to your husband about how you've been feelingg and how it effects you and your health. You need to let him know that you feel controlled and don't be affraid. He may take advantage of the fact that you're scared to stand up for yourself. I highly suggest you seek help because if you keep feeling this way, you could go into a serious case of depression. Think of your child and family
Pray and do zikr as often as you can, remember that Allah is the only one who can give you peace and patience. Trust me, it helps
