What would you do if you was married(arranged marriage) to a guy knowing that he had an occasional Cigarette b4 marriage, but then later finding out he was smoking drug’s and drinking alcahol?
Re: ~Difficult Marriage scenario~
this is a huge problem to deal with but, but now its the wife's job to get him away from all this stuff. Slowly talk to him get to know him, get to know why he is doing it(besides the fact that its fun there is alwayz an aother reason for such things). She has to make him realize that she's the best he's got and instaed of leaning on drugs and alcahol he can lean on her.
But if over time this is not working, the wife should also realize what makes her happy. Is she really happy in this marriage? If not then why sit there and watch him commit haram and not be bothered by it. Sometimes its better to get out before things get too bad(even out of a marriage)!!
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May ALLAH save everyone frm such marriages....
Well if i hv got to know after the marriage I wud hv tried to forget abt his past n concentrate on his present n future.
Then wud try hard tht he leaves them completely.
I wud hv definitely seeked ALLAH's help in this regard too bcz Marriages r made in Heaven n if ALLAH had decided such a man for me then HE shud be consulted to make tht man the best for me.
Impossible for me coz i myself am a guy so how can i get married to a guy?
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^ofcourse u can...
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How about NO?
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If he still does he normal activities, and doesnt become abusive under drugs.
Then its not a big issue. He need to be convinced to stop.
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Nothing one can do except keep trying to change his habits.
Good opportunity to earn some sawab. Don't keep telling him "you lied to me".
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Consider:
One man: Doesn't do drugs, No Alcohol, No smoking, Considered "shareef"... is a terrible husband, selfish, abusive, bad tempered, uses bad languages and has no respect for wife or children.
Second man: Does drugs (lets hope its occasional and not something major like heroine), does smoke, does drink, not so very shareef. ON the one side, he's an awsome husband, loves and respects his family, very caring and all.
Honestly tell me girls, which one would you chose?
I'm not saying drinking or taking drugs is ok.** Just that its easier to make someone stop drinking than it is to change someone's attitude. Period.** Which is what the woman can work on and pray that he gets on the right path.
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I dont know what my reaction would be but I am absolutely 110% opposed to drinking and drugs.
That being said, it would be hard for me to be with someone who is a drinker/drug user. I would have to be madly in love with the guy to stick it out with him unless he was open to changing his ways - actively.
Consider:
One man: Doesn't do drugs, No Alcohol, No smoking, Considered "shareef"... is a terrible husband, selfish, abusive, bad tempered, uses bad languages and has no respect for wife or children.
Second man: Does drugs (lets hope its occasional and not something major like heroine), does smoke, does drink, not so very shareef. ON the one side, he's an awsome husband, loves and respects his family, very caring and all.
Honestly tell me girls, which one would you chose?
I'm not saying drinking or taking drugs is ok.** Just that its easier to make someone stop drinking than it is to change someone's attitude. Period.** Which is what the woman can work on and pray that he gets on the right path.
ok i know men in the first scenario, but are men who drink and take drugs really good husbands? or are they only good, once they have had a spliff?
Re: ~Difficult Marriage scenario~
^^ Definitely not. But I said someone who might do it occasionally. Not that I'm supporting it, but I think, that it might be easier for a woman to make her husband let go of these bad habits, instead of trying to change the way he is (selfish, careless).
Nothing one can do except keep trying to change his habits. Good opportunity to earn some sawab. Don't keep telling him "you lied to me".
very sensible answer. Specially bold red part.
I would add some more , convince him to seek some professional help to help him quit.
very sensible answer. Specially bold red part. I would add some more , convince him to seek some professional help to help him quit.
Thanks Mirch!:)
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i agree with bulbuli, if in general his attitude towards you and your family and generally is good, then inshallah a wife can atleast try hard to get him off theese habits, ask him why he does it, is it just a phase as some times he may want to just try it. is it peer pressure is there a reason behind it?. if it just is habit then try to get him to come off it slowly, a good way may be that for example the money he spends on this he could spend elsewhere on a treat for himself only, and if he is taken with the idea then you can even suggest a holiday for example sometimes this helps to change a persons perception on things.
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My take on this matter is....when you are so very opposed to a certain thing, so opposed to it that it would seriously affect your marriage then you need to find out about it prior to the marriage. You cannot abide a husband who drinks or smokes or eats bacon or whatever...if its that important to you, find out before you promise the rest of your life to him or her yeah? It sounds like you saw (and disapproved) of the occasional smoke but did you ask him whether he ever consumed alcohol or smoked the wacky weed? When its the rest of your life at stake, you have to ask direct questions and get direct answers (or have a family member do this).
I'm a gori, raised in the west by western parents so to me, the occasional smoke or drink of alcoholic beverage is no big deal. Not a requirement but not a big deal either. Some like it, some dont and either is ok. And this is how things are in a good portion of western households. Its not a marriage-breaker...the things that make or break marriages are more due to the personal relations ie., how each treats the other.
In any case, if you hound him about it, he will resent you IMHO. Those who imbibe (whether its alcohol, cigs or weed) in a casual and occasional manner are not typically those who need to be sent to rehab or AA! And suggesting such a thing may be insulting to one who sees nothing wrong with it.
The best thing to do ... if the marriage is otherwise fine and happy, is to let him know how very deeply these things disturb you. If you are more important to him than these "recreational activities" then he will give them up. But if he thinks of you as just a hounding nagger then its not going to work, you'll only drive him further away. So be honest, be gentle about it. And perhaps bring in to the conversation the fact that he will be setting the example for any future children....this seems to be a good wake-up call for many.
I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh here...but I thought it a good idea to bring in an "other cultural" point of view yeah?
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^intersting:hmmm: i hear what ur saying, but for someone who has not been brought up with drugs and alcohol it can be very difficult to adjust too, and most importantly it’s Haram. u mentioned u are a gori. im sure u had to Adjust/ change/give up alot in ur Marriage, im sure u must of found that very hard…
No one really knows someone untill they live with them, so how is one meant to find out such things…:hinna:
p.s. it’s not me…
Re: ~Difficult Marriage scenario~
I want to give example of my good friend.
He use to drink a lot, I always avoid ppl who are intoxicated. So I tend to avoid him all the time.
For few years he has stopped, He is a very normal person now.
You know drinking is never normal in our culture so ppl are less like to continue it for whole life.
But again girl in question may not want to waste years waiting for him to be a normal person.
I know how hard it must be for one who has grown up in a halaal environment to adjust to one which is not 
My advice on the matter still stands…that it needs to be addressed gently, not like its an addiction requiring detox and hospitalization…but as far as not knowing someone till you live with them…like I said before, if there is something/anything that you cannot abide in a potential spouse then you need to ask direct questions about it and get direct answers. Do you smoke pot? Did you ever? Do you/did you drink alcohol? If so, how much and for how long? Its the rest of your life we’re talking about and if its an arrangement that you opt for then you need to find out these very important things yeah?
My situation was different…I knew my husband and we were good friends for about 10 years before we married. Sure I had some adjustments and so did he but these things seem small to me compared to the wonderful relationship and beautiful children we have. And we each knew and accepted prior to marriage - very well - the types of adjustments that we;d each have to make. I cant begin to express how very important that is. And even if it were an arrangement, I’d have been very sure to ask some very direct and pointed questions.
JimmyK, I was glad to read of your friend. Perhaps he was one who could not stop after having one or two beers and went on to become intoxicated…but remember, there are people who can enjoy one or two, stop at that and never make fools of themselves over it all.
JimmyK, I was glad to read of your friend. Perhaps he was one who could not stop after having one or two beers and went on to become intoxicated...but remember, there are people who can enjoy one or two, stop at that and never make fools of themselves over it all.
you know when ppl drink, and It effects their mood. I just don't like that part.
Nothing against it.
Just like all of a sudden, we are on same ground any more.