Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Unfortunately I have a number of differences with my parents over many issues pertaining to practicing Islam. There are others that are not quite related to practicing Islam, but none of them are major or none that I can recall other than me losing temper often in situations where I shouldn’t have.

Just today I got into a bad argument with one of my parents. I lost my temper because of the difference of views that we have over how to practice Islam or follow certain rulings. I feel horrible about it, as I should’ve been calm and shouldn’t have lost temper.

Anyway, then later I read nia’s reply on how our parents may not be around forever, so we should be at our best with them. This particular post got me thinking if I should change my ways (of practicing Islam) just to make my parents happy or somehow strike a deal with them where they would let me practice certain things at certain places, but I would avoid practicing those same things elsewhere just to please them.

I know I am very short tempered and I’ve been trying hard to control it. However, my family feels I have been the same in this regard if not worse. I’m thinking if I could somehow listen to them and do things their way till I live under their roof, may be it’ll avoid us getting into arguments and me losing temper and saying things that I shouldn’t be. Perhaps later on when I’m on my own I could practice my beliefs the way I want and wouldn’t have to worry about getting into arguments with parents, or would avoid practicing those same beliefs in front of them.

On the same token, I also am thinking of keeping my mouth shut on other matters as well. I may just follow/listen to what they have to say and not get into arguments. Only because I’m very short tempered and I feel horrible after losing temper at them.

I try my best not to lose temper on petty issues, but I can’t seem to help it. Losing temper seems to be innate in me and the best I could do is just listen to what others have to say and not go around losing temper.

Are there other members here who used to (or still do) get into arguments with parents or had difference of opinion, if yes, how did you deal with it?

ps. I’m not looking for answers such as ‘apologize to them’, as it doesn’t work. Mostly when I’ve apologized I’ve been told its no use, as I will lose temper again and won’t change.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

Giving favors for the reason "your parents may not be around forever" is wrong. You really don't know who will be around longer, you may be destined to leave before them! There is a better way to look at it. You can't really bridge this generation gap, so forget about sorting out the differences. When dealing with parents, understand where they are coming from. Keep your mouth shut until you truly understand why they said what they said. This will get you into the habit of thinking before you let out your frustrations.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

dimagh, that's exactly what I thought. Ie. I could be leaving before them. However, I'm really tired of arguing and losing temper. I don't really see any other solution to this.

As for thinking, I try not to talk back, but at times I'm asked to respond and only then I talk rudely and tend to let it out, which I shouldn't.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

I guess you can try doing things their way and see what happens. It can’t be that bad, I am sure. I do things the way my parents want me to and I end up feeling happy.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

sadiyah …to err is human …n we all make mistakes being a human …

though very rarely , but i did get into an argument with my parents …i explained my point …listened to their point …couldn’t strike a deal n then left it at that …just appologizing if i was rude …!!!

we r asked to obey parents if they don’t ask you to do ‘shirk’ …else than that just don’t argue …its of no use …instead it increases the sins on our side …when a little thing turns into a heated debate …

may you find peace!!

:flower2:

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

If u don’t mind, will u briefly just highlight the contents of discussion causing a riot with ur parents. Perhaps u may find more justified answers and a better way to resolve the matter. For we all have gone through hurdles as such, with parents, siblings, relatives, friends, foes, err Fiancés and then the inlaws 'n ofcourse the husband and later on our own kids (hopefully not).

Because I can relate to you in a way that sometimes what our faith may preach us, we may act on it in a different manner compared to the senior generation of our elders. Which they may find offensive and we may find them hypocritical at times in return. But it all goes well in the end …insha Allah…u just stick to your guns and let not be swayed in the the direction of the mislead ones. For its easier to be swayed then to stay on the path of the Enlighten ones. I know temper can be such a set back…try not to get into an argument of rights and wrongs when u know the other can make a reasonable assessment but won’t yeild due to their egos or whatever the barrier maybe. Its best to stay quiet once u’ve stated ur point in polite and calm words. Leave the room if things are getting out of hands. Let not temper get the best of u (very hard to do so, but just try once). You know that Allah knows your intentions and its impossible to change others in their thinkings. They have the right to what they want to hold on to, and you have the right to keep your sanity intact by being patient with those that won’t listen :slight_smile:

I pray and hope all goes well for you Sadiyah!
Love: DB :flower1:

Aaj ki taaza khabar — Ladies Win...
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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

DB, you da bomb…:k:

And Ameen from me too Sadiyah…

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

And remember...We always hurt those the most that love us the most...

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

^^Tell me you are not a disguised flower as a weed? Translation: Oldie with a diff nick?

Lajawab: Yes we do hurt those that we love the most, because we can't stand it that when they don't understand. Therefore truth comes out full of emotions and everyone feels hurt cuz they are not expecting that form of behaviour. Although on my part, I intent to hurt those that truly deserved to be hanged and burned alive at the stake, but damnit they don't feel the pain :( Really sad! (err...not talking about my immediate family) ;-)

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

Sadiyah I really hope my pm reached your inbox -- I'm sure I hit 'send' :)

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

Sadiyah, I completely understand your situation, it does get annoying when parents argue and even if they know that they are wrong will try to enforce their point of view. Temper is the last thing you wanna lose infront of them but as others suggested, the best way is to calm urself by leaving the room.. maybe thinking about what they said, while sitting alone might help you in better understanding of their argument and you might be able to give them a better response..

just my 2 cents..

(i have so many points that i disagree with my parents and at times i do feel that our traditional values are being interchanged with our religion but i remain quite coz i know its hard to change their point of view... for now atleast.. )

----> TimePass
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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

Sadiyah You need anger management and a book or two on respect. While Quran covers both the subjects, I would suggest reading a non-Quran version (it will be easier to comprehend and follow). Good Luck.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

Thank you all for the kind words and advice.

I have done all of the following. Ie. trying not to lose temper, walking away, being polite, etc. etc.

What usually ticks me off is when I'm provoked to nod in acceptance that I will do as I am told. Only then do I have to resort to talking back and this is where I end up losing temper.

Therefore, I feel the best solution is I do what I'm told. That is the only way I would be able to avoid getting into arguments.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

aww... havent read any post, only the title. but dont think too much and tell your parents not to think too much. get busy. make them busy. everything would be fine.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

saadiyah,

i had a million differences with my parents,

most of time with both bec, both had totally different ideas.

i think over n over unless i find out the right answer.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

Sadiyah, I can't give you any advice as I don't know your parents but I can tell you how I handle mine.

Dad likes me to say prayers with him in congregation, especially fajar. I try to do that as much as possible. And there is a clear difference in his mood the days I do say the fajar prayers with him and the days I don't.

Mom needs attention and an assurance that I still need her in some capacity. So I let her make me tea and often sit with her asking about her health and relatives. She often criticize me about the religious stuff I do or don't do and I usually respond that I will try to be mindful of it in the future.

I have argued about it before. The older your parents the more likely they will act like children and as they showed patience with us, we should also show patience with them.

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

ahmad jee , aap nay theek kaha,

sometimes u have to never give up to be with them

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

I agree…

There is a saying in India, that parents are like a bale of cotton on your back…At first it’s dry so it’s light and easy to carry…As the dew of time keeps falling upon it, it keeps getting heavier because of the moisture of age…

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

sadiyah - *hugz i use to be like that - Thanks for the compliment.....

We have this one family my mom meets them and i dont. I can't stand that aunty i think she is a B****.

Unfortunately there are some believers of Peer sheer in our family including my mom. My mom has gone to "urs" at pak patan. I don't believe in those things or perhaps i dont understand them. I approached my mother this way.

I will do what you want me to do but thats lying to Allah taala. If i dont understand something and i am doing it- its wrong. I dont know whats good in it or whats bad. All i know I don't want to do it cause it doesnt seem right. I cant live with a fact that i am lying to Allah whom i cant get away with.
I never went there so i cant say what they do. I tried talking to ami ji about it but May Allah forgive me i dont have much knowledge on these things. I am learning more about islam Alhumdulilah but until i know it for sure i cant even direct her in right direction.

sadiyah if you strongly believe what you feel is right then perhaps showing them evidence that their belief might be wrong may save them from a gunnah. You will be a huge favor to them and to yourself. Don't forget They learned those things for their elders and their elders from their elders......

ek bat kisi ko kaho to kisi chothey tak kuch aur hi pohanch jata hai.

My ami ji is pretty cool but abu ji.. i dont get him most of the time but what am i going to do about it. i stay quiet .

[we are pathan my family didnt migrated from india we were in pakistan...God knows how those stupid stuff came in to the family but they did]

Some people do amazing stuff ..... I cant believe what my cousin did i dont have a heart that strong neither can i ever imagine.

Few years back my cousin passed away. some people raised quesitons and my Taya ji got his second daughter married with the same guy. To accept someone who was your brother in law and now as a husband. My goodnesss........ Today she is happy with 2 kids mashallah... could i ever do that.. Heck NO i will stay single forever.....I remember asking her if she is happy you know what she replied.... Nia My abu ji is happy and so is everyone.

sometimes i am amazed at with people do for their parents and all i do is stay quiet which is nothing....

You know Sadiyah how i control myself by simply thinking.... I will not have them forever and the time i have them i want to make them happy.

Believe me it took me a long time to get to this level........

my nani ami Allah janat naseeb karey use to tell me nia .... Ek chup te soo sukh....

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Re: Differences with parents and how do you handle it?

^^

My grandmother (May Allah :swt: grant her Forgiveness and Jannah) used to say, a single silence defeats a hundred shouts…

But, to remain silent, one must have a heart of steel or diamond…Silence is not everyone’s cup of tea…