guys i have read almost all the posts and i do somewhat agree to all of them but the whole point is WHAT IS MARRIAGE? it mite sound cheezy but i was once told that the meaning of marriage is not only 2 ppl being together it is also Compromise, if u cant compromise u cant keep the best relationship either, but in this case i dont think that is fair, after reading everything i think that if the girl is still in doubt not to make the mistake of continuing with this as she will make it more complicated as time goes, she should make a decision now and stick to it, as in if she wants to stay with him and compromise and wait for feelings to change or just end it rite now cuz not only its tougher on her as days go by the guy will have more expectations and as per previous posts he is gonna run outta patience and somin worse mite happen.
X2.. probably you have never heard or seen someone who got into marriage thinking that she will change her partner and she was successful ..
Not really, not on major things, stuff like making someone more religious, or dress better or shave off his mustache sure, but becoming very duff then they are today...no.
btw, how much u can ask someone to change for you beforehand? indeed, it would be ideal.. but do we live among ideals?
Its very real, My wife asked me to give up smoking and 3 months before our wedding igave it up completely. So I am not talking about ideals. before that I was introduced to someone and I had a problem with her choice of attire, told her it would not fly with my family and if she could change that, she said she could but I saw no evidence of it for 3 months, and I put an end to it. I mean if she cant change, why force her?
hijab, quiting smoking or drinking are very common examples among couples where they were never asked to do so beforehand.. yet partners were able to change themselves after the marriage
and what happens in marriages where they dont change? or dont change voluntarily? seen any of those. I have, where teh dude all of a sudden decided that he wanted his spouse to wear a burqa and do naqab, and she did nto want to, and he forced her and she complied.
good point.
Fraudia bhai, why aren't people perceptive of the systematic delimitations is because they have no limitations, no clear expectations from both sides - that are forming the couple - woman and the man.
and so, yes, exactly why all print and media articles, drama series, pictures, programming geared to women stereotypes and socializes them to remain as pleasing step stools and muted back biters, where as men are depicted as absolute abusers mostly and also cowards and expected to act like so.
unless this changes, nothing will change. no woman and man will feel safe with anyone from the opposite genders and no man or woman can feel what s/he truly wants and deserves. be it relationship formed on ones own or arranged/matched-made.
best,
Dushwari
so if wives are able to transofrm theri husbands 5 minutes into marriage why is our culture and society filled with women bythinng and moanign about their husbands, your ladies digests, dramas, heck even on this forum, we see women complain about their hubbies, or how their hubbies dont do much in helping deal with the inlaws.
so do men change? do they change enough? why all the complaining then?
god i feel really bad for u....but in the end if ur health is being ruined by this...end it....u have to put urself before anything else cuz no one else will.
if this means ending the marriage do it....ur parents didnt care about ur wishes...why should u care about how they will feel if u do get a divorce. they deserve that maybe they will then wake up and smell the coffee and find out ohhh its 2008 almost....u shouldnt make ur kid lives a living hell.
why do parents think its so easy to marry any person off the street? why does everyone keep asking whats the problem and see if they can fix it? she doesnt like him and sometimes that enough u just know in ur heart u cant get along. i say do something and fast. u cant and shouldnt live like this.
^^ then why the heck get married? why not speak up before the wedding? I just don't get why can't these girls speak for themselves or act and end things before they tie a knott?
its not easy Lusi, there is family pressure and to speak up before the marriage complicates things a lot in desi family. we can not look it as black or white, coward or brave, stupid or intelligent, there are many layers of things going on with it.
^ i agree, but i also see lusi's point of view... why go thru the drama and mess of a marriage given all the complications? keeping quiet will never change anything.
^ i agree, but i also see lusi's point of view... why go thru the drama and mess of a marriage given all the complications? keeping quiet will never change anything.
One has to think how serious are those doubts. I have seen many desi who say that they were not inclined towards the person their parents choose for them, but after marriage their opinion changed. If one is certain that the marriage is not going to work out because of reasons that compatiblity is beyond any repair or compromise than one should speak up. If someone thinks that the union will result in a mess than one should speak up, but we can not put our own opinion as the last word. Sometimes it is wise to know what others think and their opinion is on the doubts.
yeah but what if they're not certain because the guy isn't a loser and isn't a jackass and the girl is actually nice... but what if you dont want to settle for average and nice? and what if your doubts are about little things but they're persistent... shouldn't you address those nonetheless?
somehow, it ends up that the girls are sitting there, completely conflicted, not sure if they should go with their gut or if they should give in and marry this guy on the off-chance that their parents are right and "Everything will be alright once you're married", as if thats some magic act that you do that makes his flaws go away and makes her look a lot prettier :P
maybe desi girls and boys need to mingle a lot more so they can understand what it is they want and what kind of person they're attracted to... it might help somehow?
also, do people simply resign themselves to their partners once they're married because of all the hoopla and fuss surrounding a divorce, and therefore it "works out"?
somegroovychick: I guess you haven't seen Desi guys nakhree with respect to choosing girls? Especially the ones that have been spoiled. It is a norm that guys and girls get very superficial and specific about little things, which one has no control over. Why aren't your parents rich? Why don't you have "X" as your last name? Why don't you belong to certain part of the country? Why are you not tall or fair looking?
These things are stupid to ponder upon and whoever has those conflictions about their potential mate must consider talking to some elder about it because if one can oppose our aunties and uncles who search for someone on these above mentioned things than we shouldn't be the one to follow the lead. Than again these things do change when we get older. :)