I really sympathize with your hubby. You don't realize it but you're really hurting him and taking away his rights over you. You're clearly rejecting him which is very sad! It seems like you don't really know what exactly is causing you not to be intimate with your husband, you say he's unattractive but you didn't really explain how? Also, I don't think he's THAT ugly for you to reject in such a harsh way. I hope I'm wrong but your reasons to not want him 'could be' your own health problems. Just to rule out the health part, see a good physician and have yourself checked for all possible diseases like thyroid, diabetes, etc which cause low s** libido. Good luck.
I** don't think this is true atleast now a days**. A guy who is used to certain things for like 25 years can't just change himself in another moment. Change requires time, patience, and most of all willingness.
Oh, I don't know - I have seen men change 5 mins after they have met their wife to be...and change almost beyond recognition as soon as they have said "kabool hai"
I'm talking from personal experience here (My BIL recently got married)
As a wife, I'd like to think that I changed my hubby for the better once we were engaged - in fact I know that I did.....but all with the mindset that it was for his benefit in the long run.
Oh, I don't know - I have seen men change 5 mins after they have met their wife to be...and change almost beyond recognition as soon as they have said "kabool hai"
I'm talking from personal experience here (My BIL recently got married)
As a wife, I'd like to think that I changed my hubby for the better once we were engaged - in fact I know that I did.....but all with the mindset that it was for his benefit in the long run.
As I said before it depends on the person how much he/she is willing to accept and take change.
I have seen both kinds where a guy has completely transformed according to his wife's likes/dislikes and where a guy is stubborn as hell that he is not ready to change himself even for his own good.
Anyway, I am glad that your husband and BIL were open to change.
so if wives are able to transofrm theri husbands 5 minutes into marriage why is our culture and society filled with women bythinng and moanign about their husbands, your ladies digests, dramas, heck even on this forum, we see women complain about their hubbies, or how their hubbies dont do much in helping deal with the inlaws.
so do men change? do they change enough? why all the complaining then?
i think if you feel the need to change someone after you've married them, you probably shouldn't have married them in the first place.
for example, its one thing to tell your hubby to pick up his socks, or for him to grow and mature in his own time, in his own way.... and a whole another thing to change the dynamics of his personality and the way he handles relationships with his family, to suit your needs.
i think if you feel the need to change someone after you've married them, you probably shouldn't have married them in the first place.
u r absolutely wrong...
... people need to change or rather better accommodate themselves for eachothers after the marriage... u can't continue to handle the certain things, your family and friends or certain situations the same way after the marriage as you used to do them when u were single.
women do change alot after the marriage... and she does change her husband too... but that change in him comes with time... probably in years...
yeah but that change happens voluntarily... i was referring to those people who seem to think its their job to change their partners into what they want. you can't just change people to suit your preferences- thats selfish- you love them for who they are. accommodating each other isn't the same thing as being forced to accommodate to make your partner happy.
as for women who change after marriage, i can see that happening if you're really young when you get married and don't quite know yourself who you are or what you want, or how you were raised, but at my age, the only change happening is because i want to change, not because my husband is telling me to. and a lot of times, it isn't change that is required but compromise.
right on the mark. If you have to 'make' someone change, then its probably something that should nto have gone thru anyways. people adjust, and all to accomodate each other but going in the marriage expecting that u will change soemone for it to be a successful marriage that is a little naive.
if there are issues that are big nuff that u dont want your significant doing someothing or you want them to do something, ask beforehand. whetgher its soime dude who wants his wife to start wearing hijab after marriage or some lady who wants her husband to give up smoking or drinking.
as an addendum, in most cases its pretty futile to even try to change someone. people like being who they are, they don't like being forced into situations where they have to compromise their principles or their personalities-- like X2 said, you gotta hit the big topics beforehand.
with so much help/support [moral] coming from GS, i seriously hope you’ll remember inviting every1, who participated in the thread, to your wedding and present them with a gift each :k:
Probably an immature thought but then again even if you would have first dated the guy you fell for you wouldn't have come to know him at first place and you would have given him and your relationship as much time as possible in order to make things work so whats the problem here? that you guys are married? or the fact that you are British and he is from Pakistan?
I know some girls who look like angels (hoor paris) but they are married to some crappy guys who call them selves "Americans" and "Britishers" as well..looks aren't everything babes so these girls are concerned about their families and other things which follow up in our society/ culture - either you should have straight up told your parents that you aren't interested or you should just try and make this marriage work. don't want to sound rude so dont take it hard but you wouldn't have got a handsome hunk anyways even if you didn't get married to this guy.
yeah but that change happens voluntarily... i was referring to those people who seem to think its their job to change their partners into what they want. you can't just change people to suit your preferences- thats selfish- you love them for who they are. accommodating each other isn't the same thing as being forced to accommodate to make your partner happy.
as for women who change after marriage, i can see that happening if you're really young when you get married and don't quite know yourself who you are or what you want, or how you were raised, but at my age, the only change happening is because i want to change, not because my husband is telling me to. and a lot of times, it isn't change that is required but compromise.
if the preferences carries the positive means and and will have the positive impacts on someones marital life then why can't you or you should not change or try to change your life partner? i dont see why it would be selfish to do so!!! you love them for who they are... maybe its true in love marriages but not in arrange marriages where both partners 'make' things happen and 'make' themselves lovable to each other
X2.. probably you have never heard or seen someone who got into marriage thinking that she will change her partner and she was successful ..
btw, how much u can ask someone to change for you beforehand? indeed, it would be ideal.. but do we live among ideals?
hijab, quiting smoking or drinking are very common examples among couples where they were never asked to do so beforehand.. yet partners were able to change themselves after the marriage (<--- somegroovychick, regardless of their age... and that was the change, NoT compromise )
anyways, we r off topic here.
if the preferences carries the positive means and and will have the positive impacts on someones marital life then why can't you or you should not change or try to change your life partner? i dont see why it would be selfish to do so!!!
because that might be your perspective, not theirs. especially in an arranged marriage situation where they might not know each other so well. this is why a compromise works for everyone because both partners go into it knowing what they're giving up and the price they're paying for it and what the other person is willing to do to even the odds.
you love them for who they are... maybe its true in love marriages but not in arrange marriages where both partners 'make' things happen and 'make' themselves lovable to each other
but in that case, before you start to change people, you should try and love them for them, and figure out who they are, so you at least know if the change you're asking for is justified or not. placing conditions on love never works out well, in my experience. if you're the expector, the expectations are never fulfilled. if you're the expectee, they never end. at some point, someone snaps and the whole thing collapses.
:k: 