Ok here goes,
My parents have gotten me married to a guy ive never met in my life, i tried to explain that i was uncomfortable and didnt want to marry but they were having none of it. anyways to cut the story short, im now married and the thing is i cant complain. His parents are amazing towards me and his 5 brothers are also really lovely. where the problem is, is that i really really dont like the guy. Even bigger problem is that he is fond of me and likes me alot. and now this is the embarrassing bit is that every night he tries to make love to me and i push him off because im totally grossed out. Its been exactly 7 days now and ive tried explaining to him that im really not comfortable and to please give me time. He says he understnds n will never force me and will give me time but although he says it, i dont know, because hes a flippin typical paki and is desperate for it, and so keeps saying lets do it just for 5 minutes and so i give in. then thank god he finally stops and turns over to sleep. Man i feel so embarraseed wrting this out but i just have absolutly no one to turn to. I just cringe so badly when he comes close,i feel like killing him. I know that although he doesnt force me, he does mind alot and i just know that one day his patience will run out and he will force me. Pls Pls help me. Both khaandaan families are so happy over our rishtha and im so close to going completly mad thinking about what ive gotten myself into. I try telling my family that its not all a bed of roses but they keep giving me useless advice about how to be happy and live like theirs not a care in the world.
Im sorry, u lot dont know much about me, basically im a british citizen who has come to pakistan initially to be cured from major atopic eczema, which has now compltly been cured and so that is why my family moved on to getting me married. Pls Pls advise me what to do im in such a state, im losing my health at an unbeleivable rate, my family can see that im kumzor but they dont see as anything drastic because ive always been thin anyway. At the moment im living with my in laws untill we find a flat to live in which will hopefully be in a few days. Today ive come home to visit my mum and dad and siblings, so that is how ive got this chance to come on line. I think i may have to go back tomorrow, but hopefully that will be in da evening so i shall be able to come online in da morning.pls pls help anybody. Oh yeah just to finish yeah ive already had the thought of running away and getting the british embassy to help me but then i get an image of both families being so happy and if i do something that upsets so many people i have a fear that then maybe god will never be pleased with me and make the rest of my life hell. Im always thinkijng of god as well and how i cant afford to make him unhappy. gawd im so confused.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
wow... why does he gross you? What you don't like about him?
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
Hmm, your in a pickle. I suppose saying you should look before you leap wouldn't matter now, so no use dwelling in the past. I would definitely suggest you don't do anything that would upset your families, because that would be very sad.
Is he really very hopeless? Maybe you could suggest some grooming? Excercise? Diet? Is he really that hard to like? I'm sure he couldn't be so ugly that hed gross you out even if he tries to look his best. The good part about your situation is that he cares, so make him try. And then all I can say is give it time... and patience... maybe getting accustomed to it will make it feel less bad? Then again if you really cant take it, you must talk with your parents. Their happiness is in your happiness, don't fool them into thinking your happy, don't give them that false happiness. Tell them your not happy, and they will understand, I hope. Well be praying for you. Best of luck.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
wow, what a sad post. I feel really bad for you. The question you have to ask is this. Your parents didn't care about your happiness when they forced you to get married. Why should you care about their happiness. If I were you, I would just go to the embassy. Plus, your husband doesn't seem like a bad guy. By staying with him, you are not only ruining your life, but you are ruining his.
By the way, expect to get responses that are completely different from mine. Pakistanis, those living in pakistan and even abroad are close-minded to the core. They'll probably tell you to tough it out. Just remember one thing, you will be the one "toughing it out" not them.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
Ok here goes, My parents have gotten me married to a guy ive never met in my life, i tried to explain that i was uncomfortable and didnt want to marry but they were having none of it. .....
.......... gawd im so confused.
Don't you have any Grand Parents or Grand Uncles or Aunts..surely someone in the Family is on your side, talk it out with them......all we can do is pray for you...Good Luck:(
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
Is it that you are not attracted to him? Or that you don't actually like him as a person? What about him do you dislike?
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
Give yourself some time and in due course you should start to love him. Try to get to know each other better and become intimate. You have to make an attempt and give the marriage your best shot otherwise there was no point in getting married.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
just a thought: you married him. bring out the best in him, with no surprises or looking down upon him or hating him. he is your husband.
best,
Dushwari
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
Marriage is a serious institution and running away from it is not an option.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
If the guy really loves you, his family is amazing, then I think you should try working it out. Those of us living abroad at times have a very bais opinion about people in pakistan. Maybe try to take yourself out of that whole "typical Pakistani guy" thinking and try discovering a new person in him based on his personal qualities, character, love, and respect for you.
And if you had to run away to British embassy, why didn't you run away when you were in Uk and not married to him.
And one more thing that all guys are desperate, be it desi or goray/non desi (sorry guys) but unfortunately it is a truth.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
ok first question that i am sure we all want to knw is ..why don't you like him? you say his parents are great towards you, his silbings are great towards you (believe me half of GS brides are complaining kay MIL or FIL or BIL or SIL are evil, so say thank you to Allah kay yours are better)
than please do tell why dont' you like this guy? is he fat? lazy? ugly? too tall? too short? too skinny? too brown? too fob? too paki? too what?
please be specific, as it will help us give you a suggestion faster
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
He seems open-minded enough. Maybe sit him down and have a sex-talk with him. Go over what you like, what you don’t like. And you have to be specific to him. If the sex gives you too much pain, then maybe you both need to seek some medical help. There are lubricants and such you can use.
If its his cleanliness, then talk to him. He should be fully showered before coming to bed, and perfumed. Give him a talc for Eid. 
If he’s ridiculously hairy, then sugget waxing to him. Paki guys are not that open about it, but seriously, after some guys do it, they LOVE it.
Or turn the lights off.
This is a tough situation, and I know lots of people are saying you should have thought about this…but Pakistanis typically don’t have sex before marriage to try things out, and a lot of times women find that they’re ok about the marriage until he takes his clothes off.
You also have to ask yourself - are you repulsed by HIM or the sex act itself? Some girls just really do not like sex at all. Or maybe, you need to explore the sexual inner tiger in yourself?
And by the way, I hope you know that some guys do not last 5 minutes. 5 minutes is DREAM to them. And their respective wives.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
Maybe you need some stimulation before you turn to the main act....it could help:D
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
There are most likely several contributing factors:
1. Most women need an emotional connection in order to feel comfortable with and enjoy physical intimacy. Without it, many women find sex unappealing. Since you don't know him, his immediate attempts to have sex are not going to feel good. Rarely will women get turned on "just like that."
That leads to my second point. He probably doesn't know what he's doing. And neither do you. Assuming that both of you are fairly sexually inexperienced, you don't know how to make things "work" right. If he just starts off slobbering all over you, you're not going to get turned on. He has to figure out what turns you on, and it is not as straight-forward for most girls as it is for some guys. The sight of you your nightie might be enough for him. You need more, and you yourself are probably still trying to figure it out. So he's probably hopeless at this point. This will take time. Maybe don't jump straight to intercourse, but try other sexual activities that will help you "warm up" and get comfortable.
You just plain don't like him as a human being. That may be due to assumptions about him (you yourself said that you are practically strangers) or from your past experience. If he is not a bad person then perhaps you will grow to understand and like each other, and maybe love?
There is a lot of pressure on you, obviously. Just give yourself some time to figure out what the exact issue is before you take any action.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
wow, what a sad post. I feel really bad for you. The question you have to ask is this. Your parents didn't care about your happiness when they forced you to get married. Why should you care about their happiness. If I were you, I would just go to the embassy. Plus, your husband doesn't seem like a bad guy. By staying with him, you are not only ruining your life, but you are ruining his.
By the way, expect to get responses that are completely different from mine. Pakistanis, those living in pakistan and even abroad are close-minded to the core. They'll probably tell you to tough it out. Just remember one thing, you will be the one "toughing it out" not them.
If this was just any other "I hate my husband/in-laws thread" i'd agree w/ you completely, but not in this case.
I don't think this is just about sex as other people are mentioning here, there's always something more to it. I'm guessing that the parents didn't hold a gun to your head and make you sign the nikkah-nama, so you have every obligation to make it work.
If the husband and in-laws are good people and they treat you with respect and kindness, then you owe it to them to at least try. Stop focusing on the past and under which circumstances you met,a nd just concentrate on the present and if possible, the future.
Divorce should never be the first option and it should only be exercised in extreme cases.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
so wht exactly r u confused abt?
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
^ :k:
Just like others…i am also wondering what it is about him that you dont like…I can’t comment much about the situation until I know exactly what it is.
Keep in mind that in arranged marriages…especially when the couple are total strangers…it takes time (for the girl especially) to get intimate. i would think that it’s hard for most girls to get intimate if they dont feel any love for their husband.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
i'm confused aswell after reading your post. ur making all this noise and CHIKH CHIKH now. where were u when u were getting married to him? in Kathmandu or Mogadishu? its not like u woke up 1 morning and u were married. had u make enough effort b4 marriage things could have been different. u have no complaints about the guy or his family. so the only person who is to blame in all this is YOU or your parents for not listening to u [if u ever tried to make them listen to begin with]. you are the one whining and crying now. pehlay sochna nahe aur phir baad main dosron ki zindagi bhi kharab kartay hain. ur the culprit here, not the victim. so just swallow the bitter pill of reality and try to live a happy fulfilling life with ur loving husband and caring in-laws.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
Whatever you said in the first post, try saying *exacly *that to your husband. Okay not the grossed out / repulsed part because that'll probably break his heart... just try to be a bit subtle.
Find some time when you two can be alone and then gather some courage and try talking to him? And since he is the 'typical paki male' he will probably get offended. If he gets a little upset thats okay he'll calm down. If he gets abusive and starts breaking things then thats your cue to contact the british embassy.
Just out of curiosity how old are the two of you? Also, if his family is nice to you and you're grossed out by him why are you looking forward to moving out in a flat, where you will be away from his family and you'll only be with him.
Re: desperatly confused newly wed
QB, you also have to realize that he's not some guy in a bar or at a house party trying to "shag" you...he's your legally wed HUSBAND and of course he wants to consummate the marriage. I feel for you, truly. But I have to say that I also feel for your husband who is longing for you.