desperatly confused newly wed

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

I hate to say it but I agree with her..I am going through a forced marriage stage myself and its certainly not easy but I know once I get it over with then I can relax and move on with my life..unfortunately you gave in and noone is to blame but yourself..i know how hard it is to stand up for yourself especially when it comes to delicate issues such as marriage bit its a BIG thing and you should have thought about this before marrying him in the first place..its not a game you know...now after reading your story I am 10000% sure I would not like to be in the same situation as you (sorry) so it should go to show all the girls out there that its YOUR life, YOUR body, YOUR thoughts and feelings you will be sharing with this person for the rest of your lives...

I will pray for you and wish you the best. Since you have given in and married him , make the best of it...did you like someone else? Do you think you can fall in love with him someday? If he is as great s you say, make him understand you need time and this is new for you. If he can't listen and still wants "it" then I would reconsider his "greatness".

If time goes by and you still feel "grossed" bu him, then I suggest you get out. But first give it time and patience. You got this far, so try and make it work. If it doesn't, then it just was not meant to be. Yes, feelings will be hurt, tears will be shed, but ultimately YOU have to live with this decision forever, not your parents who never listened to you in the first place. That is their fault and that is NOT your problem.

Best of luck. I will remember you in duas.

!! Mera Jee Chahta Hai !!
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

Okeee i understand that you were forced to get married and i am truely sorry to hear that but now you are married NOW!!!! i mean explain your hubby that its hard for you to adjust in a new family and lifestyle...talk to him and explain him that you need some time before you guys can get physical....instead of cringing and making him feel bad, tell him k you want to know him more...tell him that you need to know him first...try to understand him as a person..his likes n dislikes....his lifestyle...ect ect ect...i think he respect your feeling alot cuz he still havent forced you to do anything...i mean he could have done that like on you wedding night but he is giving you your space....so you should appreciate that

one thing why does he gross you out so much???? i mean is it the looks....i mean does he use alot of oil in his hair??? i mean what is it???? if you only hate him cuz you were forced to marry him phir thats wrong.....give him a chance na..i mean you said he likes you...so just respect his feelings and try to get along with him....you are Mashallah very lucky to have a husband who likes you...caring inlaws...wat else do you want.....just stop thinkng about your past and how you were forced into your marriage...try to think about your present and how you can enjoy your new life with you husband...stop feeling bad for yourself!

Oont pataang batain
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

well said...and very true!

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

I agree that I cant tell what you dont like about this person.
For arranged marraige a person does need to have a personality that whatever happens it is for the best. Openmindedness is what I would think a word to describe maybe. A belief that you can love just about anyone and a trust in your family to want whats best for you . With arranged marraiges it takes time for the love to start and grow, and I would suggest that you take your time.Marraige itself takes a lot of compromise and negotiations. Give your husband a chance. Leave the rest to Allah Mian :slight_smile:

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

let me make it very simple, you only have 3 choices,

1) let things be as they are - i.e. you are not happy, and eventually he will not be happy and then since he will not be happy his family will not be happy and both of you live in a thankless marriage and all of them have an unhappy family.

2) learn to live with the guy somehow - it does not sound like there is one victim here, how was that dude supposed to know you did not want to marry him, who knows maybe he is posting somewhere that he really loves his wife and she seems to be repulsed by him and what to do.

3) get out of the situation- whether it is by involving people and ending the marriage, and if they cant or wont help you then by packing up and getting on a flight to UK and making your own life. If 19-20 year old guys who have never seen UK can go there and go to schoola nd support themselves then a UK citizen who can get unemployment benefits, housing benefits and able to work anywhere should be able to do it as well.

Your winning strategy
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

based on what you think of him I doubt you guys can make it work, unless you have a change of heart.

btw how old are you?

Timepass
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

You are thin with atopic eczema..that doesn't sound very sexy either. Try to work things out based on the suggestions above before you run away from it.
Bewaqoof desi parents and kids.

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

hummm Atopic Eczema:

Gynodactrine cream for specific areas; for general body parts Gentacine B cream. 2/3 din main aram ajay ga. apnay miyan se baat karain or kisi ache Gynocologist ke pass jain.

Timepass
Timepass
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

very nicely put, Fraudia bhai. no doubt about this what you have said.
best,
Dushwari

How should i deal with this ...
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

for a start try to ignore things that u dislike about him and try to bring more out of him of the things that you like about him (surely there must be something)....

2 Likes
Did U know ....
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

WOW guys thanx for the tremendous amount of support, i never expected such a response prob cus i havent been on tht much. I swear everything you've said i agree with hundred prsent which i is why im confused. I dont think ill run away that soon, i will defintly give it a serious go. You've all asked why im grossed out, well i think its just the fact that i dont find him at all attractive. Once again im totally awed by your responce, thanx a billion times. You've defintly made me think more clearly, and its just up to me now to make the right choices. Its not going to be easy, pls think of me in your prayers. Speaking of prayers, i should just like to let anyone else with any kind of problems or wories, is that you should all hold on to Allah gee's rope. in my case reading darrod shareef constantly over and over has been alot of comfort.

Did U know ....
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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

u shudv put ur foot down and refused to marry him if u didnt find him attractive, either leave the guy or quit complaining then :rolleyes:

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

Some really useful sexual tips here :p

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

You've got some great advice on this thread.

I hope you'll take some time before making any decision, as it's a marriage and something that you shouldn't take lightly. So no rash decisions. It seems like from your last reply that you just don't physically find him attractive and that it's not the case where his is a heartless jerk personality wise. He's someone completely new to you, and you coming from UK and getting arranged married to someone you had never met before, it's difficult to deal with because you were raised in a different environment with the whole "let's be comfortable before we get physical" thinking. In Pakistan it's obviously its not uncommon for people to meet for the first time after marriage and then also consumate marriage on the first nite. You should've spoken up long time ago, before this marriage was arranged. Anyhow, no point discussing what didn't happen.

Having said all of that, running to the british embassy or running away should be the utmost last option, as you'll lose your family, and you'll have no social support. God forbid you are not in a abusive situation, difficult yes, but not abusive or threatening.

Right now, you need to speak to your husband diplomatically but straightfowardly. Tell him you are not ready for a physical relationship yet cuz you don't know him, and how you'll need to be comfortable and get to know him before you guys move ahead. Obviously you can't point blank tell him that you find him unattractive. Get to know him like a friend, what he likes/dislikes, what his thoughts are on various things, you know simple things like movies, music, travel. You have to be honest to yourself, and you have to find the courage and patience to give him a chance to get to know him, and not just run away from the problem because you find him repulsive physically. Stand in his shoes as well, and imagine what he is feeling. Hopefully if he is fond of you, he'll also make the effort to show you that he cares by different gestures and not force you with anything. Also, I think you need to get someone from your family in on the situation, either a sister, or mom, or cousin. Someone who understands you and is willing to listen, and who'll obviously keep it confidential. I think at this point you are just frustrated and you just want to be listened to, to sort out what's going on in your head. So if I were you, I would give it a chance, give it time and see how it shapes up.

Your situation is overwhelming with getting married to someone you never knew, and with all the changes marriage brings, it's a lot to deal with even when two people know each other, so its more difficult for you. However don't make any rash decisions, take your time, and just see if you have a change of heart after getting to know him. I hope Insha'Allah things workout for you in your best interest.

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

Fayz and azad, i said im completly cured of my eczema, alhumdulilah not a mark on my body.

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

sehar, Armughal, X2, angel eyes, mrs shikra, and all the rest of you people, thank you.

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

Having physical attraction is very important factor in having sex. While there are some things that cannot be changed like his facial features, however there are things that he can do to make himself more presentable. Have a very open talk with him and suggest that he needs a makeover. He can dress better, get some grooming done, shave everywhere, shower, use deodorant, get a different hair cut that fits him etc etc. If he is fat then he can diet and exercise that will take some time. But makeover would be a good start.
You can also turn off the lights or think of someone very attractive while you guys do it.
Good luck and hope it works out for you. But please give it a chance and don't run away. Seperation should be the very last resort and should be done in a civilized manner.

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

i thought dating was before marrige :konfused:

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

:rotfl:
im imagining if a guy suggested this to a guy who was posting abt his unnattractive wife…i doubt any girl would be happy abt such advice…

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Re: desperatly confused newly wed

same old drama :rolleyes:
Why didn’t you refuse right away? Didn’t you know that merely ‘telling’ desi parents never helps?
I have heard this crap many times in my life, once the husband makes love to you, you will fall in love with him. Once you sign nikah papers, you will start liking him. What they don’t understand is that when the individual has no place in her/his heart for the other person to begin with, there is no way he/she will feel attracted towards the other.

x2’s post seems rational.