Death of a child

[Jaanwar]

Certainly one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.

Unfortunately, a very dear friend’s some 2 weeks old boy passed away. Needless to say he was devastated, and after talking to him so was I. Bad timing I would say, when I called him he was on his way to bury the child, his brother handed him the phone and he just cried, I couldn’t sleep for 2 damn nights.

The people I have spoken with, they say a newborn child taken away is relatively less hurtful than death of someone who you have spent more time with, because it takes time to develop that bond. Perhaps easier said than done?

I pray none of us has to go through that pain, but if you have experienced such a loss in your life or someone close to you has gone through it - how do you cope with it? Do you ever sort of get over (although this may not be the right word) this? Perhaps it is easier when you are blessed with more children? Do you ever sort of get back to your normal self again?

And how do you convey your condolences when you can’t even be there for them? I feel like a wuss for not being able to gather up enough courage to speak with him on the phone - it would have been a lot different if I could be by their side if you know what I mean.

PS - My apologies if it sounds like a collection of random thoughts, but it is all over my head right now.

[Monk]

Re: Death of a child

inalilahi wa ina elehi rajeon

[X2]

Re: Death of a child

janwaar the people you have spoken with, how many of them have lost a newborn? Its not just about losing someone who you knew but about about the loss of a life and a future you had imagined, and that is gone forever.

The person who goes through such a loss will never be the same as he was before the loss, its not to say there is a complete change of personality, but there is an impact and even if you dont see it its there.

It takes years to get back to normal, even though the immediate grief and trauma lasts a few months. It is defintely very hard to talk to someone, and having to go over the questions and why and how etc over and over.

There is a balance to be had, you dont want to just sit and talk about the loss and keep your pal thinking about that all the time, and you cant just say hey lets go do something and get your mind off things. The best approach in my view is to gently let him know that you just know he is going through a lot, you will not prod and talk about it unless he wants to, but as a friend you want to spend time with him, and will be there for him.

[Jaanwar]

Re: Death of a child

Yeah, makes sense X2. That is what I didn't want to - to call them up and go over the typical what,how,when questions. I am going home in June, will take him around and try to divert him for a while.

Man I pray he gets back to being the way he was, sometimes I wish we had never f'ing grown up.

[augustsunshine]

Re: Death of a child

I think the death of a child, spouse or parent is possibly the worst thing that can happen to anyone. I can't even imagine how I would react if I am confronted with such a situation. My biggest fear is losing my loved ones. But I guess death is inevitable and we all have to eventually deal with it. And I guess we all do have a hidden strength to deal with loss and that's why God makes us go through it.

I know of someone who lost his two year old son and he was devastated for a year but he eventually came to terms with it. He now believes it was God's will and we can just be patient and keep living. I am sure time plays a big part in healing, but it can never completely get rid of the pain.

[Captain_FT]

@Jaanwar

Certainly one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.

Unfortunately, a very dear friend’s some 2 weeks old boy passed away. Needless to say he was devastated, and after talking to him so was I. Bad timing I would say, when I called him he was on his way to bury the child, his brother handed him the phone and he just cried, I couldn’t sleep for 2 damn nights.

The people I have spoken with, they say a newborn child taken away is relatively less hurtful than death of someone who you have spent more time with, because it takes time to develop that bond. Perhaps easier said than done?

I pray none of us has to go through that pain, but if you have experienced such a loss in your life or someone close to you has gone through it - how do you cope with it? Do you ever sort of get over (although this may not be the right word) this? Perhaps it is easier when you are blessed with more children? Do you ever sort of get back to your normal self again?

And how do you convey your condolences when you can’t even be there for them? I feel like a wuss for not being able to gather up enough courage to speak with him on the phone - it would have been a lot different if I could be by their side if you know what I mean.

PS - My apologies if it sounds like a collection of random thoughts, but it is all over my head right now.

Inna Lillah e Wa Inna Ilehe Rajeun

sad tu read that

[Straight_up]

Re: Death of a child

I have no words, what can you possibly say...

[dulhan_to_be]

Certainly one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.

Unfortunately, a very dear friend's some 2 weeks old boy passed away. Needless to say he was devastated, and after talking to him so was I. Bad timing I would say, when I called him he was on his way to bury the child, his brother handed him the phone and he just cried, I couldn't sleep for 2 damn nights.

The people I have spoken with, they say a newborn child taken away is relatively less hurtful than death of someone who you have spent more time with, because it takes time to develop that bond. Perhaps easier said than done?

I pray none of us has to go through that pain, but if you have experienced such a loss in your life or someone close to you has gone through it - how do you cope with it? Do you ever sort of get over (although this may not be the right word) this? Perhaps it is easier when you are blessed with more children? Do you ever sort of get back to your normal self again?

And how do you convey your condolences when you can't even be there for them? I feel like a wuss for not being able to gather up enough courage to speak with him on the phone - it would have been a lot different if I could be by their side if you know what I mean.

PS - My apologies if it sounds like a collection of random thoughts, but it is all over my head right now.

The same thing happened to my best friend. She knew the baby wasn't well before hand and was told by docs to abort (we're in the UK) but she refused and her little girl lived for 5 hours before dying.

They were absolutely devastated, I saw her husband just drop to the floor and cry with such raw pain. I will never forget that time.

All I could do with them was talk about the time they had with her. What was she like? They found this easier than the questions about what was wrong. They were smiling talking about her.

I'm not saying this is the right thing for your friend, but sometimes these things aren't mentioned by anyone else. And it can be helpul to the couple who need to have her thoughts steered away from the negatives.

They will stop hurting soon.. My friend is expecting again after already having a little boy a year ago too. The new child can never replace the one that dies, and they still speak of her regularly. It just hurts less as time goes on.

[kurripunjaban]

Re: Death of a child

I think the death of a new born child is the same, if not worse than a death of a family member. A mother is connected to the child for 9 months and parents think about everything from the first outfit the child will wear, to which school it'll go to, to when it gets married etc and for all of that to be snatched away? I cant even begin to imagine the pain. My cousin recently lost her child at 8 months, but still had to give birth. The only thing you can do it be there for that person in whatever way possible, you cant take away their pain, but you can show them that there are people around them who will support them through thick and thin. No one ever gets over the death of a child, that 'what if' will always be there. I guess you just learn to deal with it.

[Gina]

I've never been a fan of expressing anything over the fone.. I much rathar be in person to bring up such a subject.. and help him out and comfort him.

[CE]

Re: Death of a child

My mum an dad wish my lil brother had been taken away from us when he was a baby

[Monk]

Re: Death of a child

kia matlab ce ?

[CE]

Re: Death of a child

nuthing pm dont wanna talk about it

[Monk]

[Skittlez]

Re: Death of a child

Inna Lillahe Wa Inna Illaihe Raje'oon. :(

The best thing you could do is just let him know you're there for him, be available for him whenever he needs you or wants to talk to you. And pray for him, his family, and the soul of the little angel snatched much too soon.

[Jaanwar]

Re: Death of a child

Everyone - truly appreciate your input. Yes it makes sense, it is as bad as losing any family member. I hope I can make it home earlier, feeling like crap for not being able to be there for him.

CE - bless you and your family

[Reha]

Re: Death of a child

Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Iliahi Raij'oon.

May Allah swt give your friend and all the parents who have had to bury children sabr through this. There is nothing anyone can say to a mother or father to ease their pain. Just be there for your friend Jaanwar. Thats all.

My friend just had a miscarriage...not exactly the same but it was devastating on the family and the child wasnt even born yet. I cried for her because Ive never seen someone so broken.

[X2]

Re: Death of a child

jaanwar

If you will not see him for a bit, I suggest you send him a letter meanwhile, noting that you heard, and he is in your thoughts. You will see him whe you are there, and are avalable if needed etc.

Everyone has a different experience, but initially the first couple of weeks are more shock, then people come out of shock, and then the longer term acceptance of loss starts. which is where your presence will help. during shock nothing really matters.

[s_mk]

The people I have spoken with, they say a newborn child taken away is relatively less hurtful than death of someone who you have spent more time with, because it takes time to develop that bond. Perhaps easier said than done?

I am really really sorry for your friend's loss.

The people you spoke to really have no idea what they're talking about.
I know someone who has been through this , and it is the WORST thing in the world.

It's just not natural to bury your child.It just should not work that way.

The best thing you can do , is just to be there for them.
The worst thing you could do would be to completely disappear ,pretend it never happened, re-appear after some time and wonder why they still aren't over it!

[FairyTale]

Narrated Abu Sa'id: The women requested the Prophet, "Please fix a day for us." So the Prophet preached to them and said, "A woman whose three children died would be screened from the Hell Fire by them," Hearing that, a woman asked, "If two died?" The Prophet replied, "Even two (would screen her from the (Hell) Fire. "They said, “And one?” He said, “[Even] the miscarried child will certainly drag its mother [and father] with its umbilical cord to Paradise!”

Even Prophet Mohammed PBUH lost his daughter. Loss of your child is something toughest and most terrible thing parents can suffer. In this time of grief n pain only your strong faith in Allah and support from your near n dears can help.

Death is inevitable and its with everyone. I have my friend, my uncle n aunt n even my own parents gone thru this loss. Allah gives sabar to the family.

If husband n wife r healthy and they are together , inshAllah more kids will come. I know at this time it will be difficult for them to take it but time is best healer and they ll accept the loss slowly inshAllah.