salam,
I know this topic has been beaten to death…but need to vent and find a long term solution that works out best for my sanity and health.
I got married to this guy (who has his faults but in general has been and is good to me) we are both from punjab but our families could not be more different. From food, to way of life, to perspective, to language …everything is miles and miles apart… my parents in laws are pure village ppl… what they grew up with they held on to and still hold on to…
This is where my prob comes in, they ask my opinion for different things and since i’m outspoken I speak up but then I get dissed coz it is different from their way of doing things… my jhaitaani… is like them and constantly makes me feel bad for my way being different than theirs … for the 2+ years that I have been married I have tried to accept their ways and even follow them when I am around them (although I was advised not to do that and not let my standards of life drop i ignored it ) and now what all I have done just feels like a waste… I am constantly taunted, scolded or made fun of in front of my inlaws by my jhaitaani and my husband silently watches… my fil constantly keeps pushing me to eat, behave and do like but I just can’t … I have been doing it in front of them… but I can’t do it in front of anyone else… I don’t even mix them with any of our friends coz of their ways…
I do have a good marriage for the part of the week when I don’t meet them but the time I do come across them that day is just ruined between the two of us… my husband and I follow the way I have been brought up with (clean home, personal hygiene, proper etiquette of dining and living… I know this is hard to fathom but simple things like these are not followed in their home) but the moment he steps into that house… i feel like I am married to villager… who doesn’t get bothered by flies, unkept house…and just other disgusting stuff…
I am soooo lost … when I got married I thought I could bring about a change not in the past generation but in my husband’s nieces and nephews…yet I was told not to say anything to them… they are rude and badtameez… I need to find a way that can stop me from going crazy..and I need to find a way to not stress if this ‘family’ of mine aren’t ppl I can walk with… It hurts and pains me when I see the kids and the potential they have but because of bad child rearing the kids are being wasted…
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
Is there anyway you can become a 'role model' for the nieces? Maybe try a bit of bribery, show them a better style of life. Keep a distance from your jhaitani, she's probably jealous. Some backward village people act like that. They have nothing better to do then pick on things they cant have or wont do. If they dont want to change leave them to it. You have your own house, things could be worse, you could be living with them. That would be a right problem then. You have to remember your husband came from that house so its probably not as hard for him to fit in back to their way of life when u go visit, it probably doesnt bother him bcoz he's grown up in that atmosphere.
Personally i would maintain a distance, from them because a husband should safe guard his wife's respect especially if there's injustice being done against her. I dont particularly agree by the way your husband is staying silent. But if he's not going to help you then maybe u should stay away. When you do go to their house stay quiet, help around. Personally i hate it when im around jaahil people who have no respect, because jihalat is no excuse for lack of manners and respect anyway. My fathers side of the family are proper pind villagers but they understand giving respect and being respected oh and hygiene.
You cant change them if they are happy living int heir ignorance. Just concentrate on your own life with your own family and just carry out your islamic duties as a DIL and SIL.
I try helping them out coz the jhaitaani used to bug me to no end with questions yeh kaisey kiya, kahan sey liya ... tell ur bhai to send our kids to another better school blah blah... so I used to give them mashwara...and so on... now for the past two+ months she hasn't spoken to me and if I have been her subject its just to my fil making comments like ...oh what kind of food do you eat, and sil is getting married next year so I keep advising her how to keep home clean and organized.... jhaitani and in laws make fun of me saying that ppl who have time make beds...
I guess if these things were taking place in a clean home I wouldn't get this bothered ... but the mindgames plus the environment has gotten to me sooooo bad... i just wish I could run away.... I kept getting lectured if I even bought a single thing even if it was with my own money about saving and how we shouldn't ever eat out... I stopped sharing this stuff....
After my fil told me the other day that I should teach her kids manners and the parents might get offended .... I am gonna keep a major distance now.... they wanna remain paindu...they can do so.... ( I don't mean paindu as in ppl coming from the village... I mean unhygienic, ill mannered jaahil log)
goes to pull out hair wish i could play games like ohter women and turn the tables on them....
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
No dont wish u could play games darling, you dont want to stoop to their level.. Remember they are the jaahil ones and if they refuse to change at least tomorrow u can say u tried but to no avail. Leave them to allah, he will punish them for the unfairness they show to u.
Can i just ask why does your brother send your jhaitani's kids to school? unles shes talking about ur jhait? lol
Ignore her pathetic behaviour, sooner or later she'll get fed up. But by ignoring it i in no way mean put up with crap that she may give you. Ignore her pathetic comments but dont put up with sh*t from her bcoz if u dont put people like that straight from the begining then they will always take advantage of you. There is always a limit and if she crosses it then slap her back to reality (not literally unless she needs it lol)
Tell ur SIL its upto her if she wants to be clean, every normal home has made beds. I admit my bed is unmade right now because my sister got up later then me but she's little and if anyone came to my room and saw it unmade i would feel like a slob! lol
at the end of the day it seems like your already doing your fardh as an older bhabi and you can only do what ever is in your power for your SIL. Its her choice whether to take action on your words. Maybe after she gets married she'll see her husbands family is clean and start doing things u taught her before her getting married.
Islamically they have no right to tell u what to do with your money, its your own earnings and i hope your not feeding it to them! Just stop discussing that u and hubby go out to eat or whatever else you get up to with him coz if your gna have to hear a lecture theres no point. These people clearly dont know how to give space to people, so maintain a distance yourself!
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
Maybe it's just me. But I would just live my life quietly and go about my business. You can't change people. But by setting a good example sometimes people change themselves. I would distance myself and let them be.
this woman used to fill my ears about things against my inlaws.... bad mouthing every single person in the house...and I used to get bothered then I distanced myself but the thing is she lives with the inlaws so we have to meet each other...no way out... so really can't distance myself without getting a few more labels in return and not to forget hubby disliking this behavior of mine... :(
[Ignore her pathetic behaviour, sooner or later she'll get fed up. But by ignoring it i in no way mean put up with crap that she may give you. Ignore her pathetic comments but dont put up with sh*t from her bcoz if u dont put people like that straight from the begining then they will always take advantage of you. There is always a limit and if she crosses it then slap her back to reality (not literally unless she needs it lol)]
Thing is these jaahil yet chaalak women know how to do waar ... she makes these comments infront of my inlaws.... when we are alone she asks for advise and when she is within the family she shows them how pathetic I am coz I don't do things their way.... and its not my bro thats sending her kids to school its her own husband....
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
If hubby doesn't like your behaviour of distancing yourself, he shouldn't expect you to make an effort either if he's not going to try stick up for you. Why dont u explain that to him?? He should be a help in this situation for you so make him understand. Why should you put up with her mental abuse?
in my hubby's family no one ever says a single word to elders...apparently that is how they show their respect.. they ignore what elders are saying if they don't agree with them... and also my hubby believes in not saying anything....he would rather leave me than say anything to his elder bro and his wife.... that is how things work in their household... he does listen to my venting.... and all he says is avoid her... and don't sit with her alone.... she was none the wiser about that ... but now she is playing another game...that is she makes comments about me either to fil ... (who supports her) or she taunts me in front of the whole household...
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
I dont get the one freakin' thing? WHY DO YOU GET MARRIED AND then DECLARE THE INLAWS ARE EVIL? Dont get married thats it Period! Dont get married try it you'll be so peaceful you'll forget your self.
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
^thats not actually helping anyone... its highly unlikely a girl can spend her life by not getting married especially in our culture..
automne, elders should remeber to receive respect they need to give respect. it is a common misconception amongst our pakistanis that elders are to be respected and they can get away with murder, without realising that thy should build the respect not force it out of people. Now giving respect doesnt mean you cant talk to your MIL or FIL about the behaviour of ur jhaitaani... are none of them willing to take note of ur circumstances?
Start giving as good as you get if no one is willing to help you, help yourself... there is only so much BS u can take... If your up for a fight, show her ur not willing to take her crap coz from where im sitting there are 3 options
1- staying quiet and putting up with crap
2- talking to FIL, MIL and make them aware that ur jhaitani aint treating u properly
3- If they dont listen, fight fire with fire and stick two fingers up at her. If they arnt telling her off for treating u like **** how on earth can they say anything to u?
I urge u to try talking to MIL and FIL first, try all ur other options b4 starting a war. You did not get married to put up with her BS. If she doesnt like something about u she shud keep it to herself instead of announcing it to the whole bloody family! god this womans got me wound up i would have clobbered her one by now!
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
actually most of the saas bahu issues occurs coz either the saas is nt educated or bahu is more educated ... if 2 peeps frequency didnt match how can we expect tht the 2 will run together lik staying in same house under 1 roof ... n at the end of the husb was blamed n accused of the end result ... thts ridiculus ....:(
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
i dont think ur completely right
Its not a nice thing to do to tell ur SIL or whatever that her kids dont have manners
also, in terms of eating manners... there is nothing wrong with eating with ur hands. Is that what ur issue is with the eating? I was trying to read what the problem was..
Its their house. Let them live the way they want to. If you want to teach the nephews and neices something... let them visit you and let them be the judge and decision makers of how they want to live. Dont need to enforce it on them..
actually most of the saas bahu issues occurs coz either the saas is nt educated or bahu is more educated ... if 2 peeps frequency didnt match how can we expect tht the 2 will run together lik staying in same house under 1 roof ... n at the end of the husb was blamed n accused of the end result ... thts ridiculus ....:(
Stupidity can transcend even education. Even educated aunties who have lived for decades in the US.....can uphold narrow-minded beliefs and become insecure over a bahu.
A husband is "blamed" if he's not being fair. I know that a DIL needs to have patience and not turn every petty little issue into a battle. She can learn to let some things slide. And the same needs to be done by the MIL because she needs to keep in mind that the role of a wife can't be compared to the role of a mother as they are two different relationships. The MIL needs to understand that you can't compare the love a man has for his mom and his wife because they dynamics are soo different. And also that the DIL is a new member to the family......and will take time to adjust.
A husband needs to know what his wife's Islamic rights are over him. And be able to address delicate issues......with a fair and open mind. This does not mean he has to yell at Mommy and kick her out of the house. But....he can sit both parties down......set ground rules for conduct during discussion....listen to what each party is saying........acknowledge the feelings of both parties.......and help them reach a compromise by SUGGESTING solutions for both parties.
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
^ in addition to that.. a smart hubby well let his wifey know that she needn't interfere with anyone else's life.
Seriously
You can have siblings who end up bringing up their kids completely differently. Everyone has their own way of thinking and doing things and this doesnt mean that they are not doign the best they can.. just they are trying to achieve the same goal (in their mind) but by doing it their own way
I can open up multitude of threads about how my bro does something differently to me.. or hwo my bhabhi has a different of way of eating or watever... but why should i? If they are happy and content with the way they are.. who am i to make them feel any less.. or even feel embarrassed about what they do?
p.s i really have no issues with either my bhabhi or bro.. hence i used their example
p.p.s pls dont be embarrassed by family.... its really not a nice thing
Stupidity can transcend even education. Even educated aunties who have lived for decades in the US.....can uphold narrow-minded beliefs and become insecure over a bahu....
** totally agree ... **thn its upto bahu tht se didnt do such things tht mak mom insecure ... Bottom line is ... consider ur MIL as ur own mom ...behave the same as u b-hav with ur own mom now scnerio is quite different i mean in positive sense ... mom is mom ... at the end u wil get mom's lob ... **
A husband is "blamed" if he's not being fair. I know that a DIL needs to have patience and not turn every petty little issue into a battle. She can learn to let some things slide. And the same needs to be done by the MIL because she needs to keep in mind that the role of a wife can't be compared to the role of a mother as they are two different relationships. The MIL needs to understand that they dynamics are soo different. And also that the DIL is a new member to tyou can't compare the love a man has for his mom and his wife because he family......and will take time to adjust.
A husband needs to know what his wife's Islamic rights are over him. And be able to address delicate issues......with a fair and open mind. This does not mean he has to yell at Mommy and kick her out of the house. But....he can sit both parties down......set ground rules for conduct during discussion....listen to what each party is saying........acknowledge the feelings of both parties.......and help them reach a compromise by SUGGESTING solutions for both parties....
**
in short every entity shd knw their rights n resposibilities ....:) **
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
You don't even live with them - so what is the issue again? You're cleanlier, eat 'better' than them (I guess you mean you close your mouth and/or refrain from talking and making noises while eating) and so you're annoyed that... they aren't as proper as you?
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
i think the real problem is how she gets picked on for being who she is guys! not that she is too upper class or snobby for them.. atleast i hope not. im sure u can uderstand that is upsetting when your constantly being targeted by a family member. I agree with whoever up there said nothing wrong with eating with hands, Automne can u elaborate on the hygiene issues?
salam,
I know this topic has been beaten to death....but need to vent and find a long term solution that works out best for my sanity and health.
I got married to this guy (who has his faults but in general has been and is good to me) we are both from punjab but our families could not be more different. From food, to way of life, to perspective, to language ....everything is miles and miles apart.... my parents in laws are pure village ppl.... what they grew up with they held on to and still hold on to....
This is where my prob comes in, they ask my opinion for different things and since i'm outspoken I speak up but then I get dissed coz it is different from their way of doing things... my jhaitaani... is like them and constantly makes me feel bad for my way being different than theirs ... for the 2+ years that I have been married I have tried to accept their ways and even follow them when I am around them (although I was advised not to do that and not let my standards of life drop i ignored it ) and now what all I have done just feels like a waste.... I am constantly taunted, scolded or made fun of in front of my inlaws by my jhaitaani and my husband silently watches.... my fil constantly keeps pushing me to eat, behave and do like but I just can't ... I have been doing it in front of them.... but I can't do it in front of anyone else.... I don't even mix them with any of our friends coz of their ways.....
I do have a good marriage for the part of the week when I don't meet them but the time I do come across them that day is just ruined between the two of us.... my husband and I follow the way I have been brought up with (clean home, personal hygiene, proper etiquette of dining and living... I know this is hard to fathom but simple things like these are not followed in their home) but the moment he steps into that house... i feel like I am married to villager.... who doesn't get bothered by flies, unkept house....and just other disgusting stuff....
I am soooo lost .... when I got married I thought I could bring about a change not in the past generation but in my husband's nieces and nephews....yet I was told not to say anything to them... they are and badtameez.... I need to find a way that can stop me from going crazy..and I need to find a way to not stress if this 'family' of mine aren't ppl I can walk with.... It hurts and pains me when I see the kids and the potential they have but because of bad child rearing the kids are being wasted...
dont mean 2 be insensitive ,sounds to me like they r different frm u, thats it . its probably a cultural n class difference.
what i dont understand is ....................... your parents n you never went to their place before u got married. surely u must have noticed that they r way too diifferent frm ur family. then y did u get married? and now u expect them esp ur husband to change???
do u believe its ok to expect or demand that?
Re: Dealing with inlaws and still being sane and happy
silence is the key to everything - im very outspoken but ive learnt with time that staying quiet usually works out best for you! I know how you might feel, lekin aise halaat mein change laana is really really tough - the only example you can set is for your kids.. forget about the SIL and whatever else your trying to do because trust me when it comes and bites u in the behind it hurts like hell and knowing that your husband isnt the kind to speak up, it might save you both the quarrels and the headaches!
Look, you really just have to make up your mind - you cant change 4-5 decades worth of paindu-ness.. it wont happen.. but if you really want to change and be an example.. do that for your children.. because they are probably the only ones that might listen to you without throwing a few taane ur way!
the isssue is not that ppl eat with hands... our Holy Prophet (PBUH) ate with his hands... lady lama has got it right... and about the hygiene....would someone touch their feet and then eat or make food.....if you are toilet training your kid would you leave their toilet training thingie filled outside... no matter how paindu somone is would you burp openly and not put a hand to your mouth (burping is a natural process but how you burp is where you disgust others).... my parents had gone over to their place before marriage and I was aware of the differences between our cultures (home life whatever) so I had asked my hubby to come and meet my family showed him how we lived, how we did things... so that he would know and could choose whether he wanted to get married or not.... they had come enough times to our place to know that I don't eat spicy food...have never eaten it in my life so why the issue now...why the taunts now....
and regarding talking to my mil and fil ...that is not an option...heck from where things have turned my hubby is ready to leave me but not his bhabi....I think that sums it up what this marriage is all about....
Being embarassed of your family is a natural process that everyone goes through especially if there is an education/culture gap between parents and kids... but I believe in taking your parents along with you...if you have learnt the right ways (islamic or worldly) then you need to pull up your fmaily members so they do not feel inferior to you...
Thank you all for your input.... and for those who have said why did you get married .... sometimes you are pushed into doing something for someone else.... because our culture is all about what you can do for others....
Islam teaches us a lot of things...sadly us muslims hold on tight to what our culture teaches us rather than what islam says... and that is why we have relationships in which there is suffering ....