Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
You guys need to get married to memons. The girls get lots of gifts and jewelry and there is certainly no expectation that the mother in law gets that jewelry. Never heard of such a thing.
My MIL kept the jewelry that was given as a gift for me from people belonging to her side of the family.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
It is common that inlwas takes all salami money.my all salami was given to my Fil no one gave me or my husband. But for my side everyone gave to my husband which we save.from inlwas who didnt came to valima came home to give salami and they gave me but my Fil thru my husband took all that. I'm very surprised by that Becoz the money gave to bride is a gift plus non of them gave me. I don't feel bad for money but just these behaviors hurts if he ask from me I will defintly give to him.he knows we are starting separate home and how we can manage. ALLAH give hidyat to those parents who never think of their children.
Re: Daughter-In-Law’s Money
ok that is just plain WRONG 
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
Whatever was given in my hands and my husbands was kept by us; whatever was given to our parents was kept by them mostly.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
But why would money from a reception hosted by the parents go to the couple..in the case that guys/girls parents paid to host the Valima or reception? I mean it's the parents throwing a reception not the actual couple in most cases and most attendants are the guests of the parents not the kids...
Dawats are different. But PCG, I don't know maybe it's just me not being familiar with memon culture but that just sounds outright absurd to me. Clearly there were other issues from your posts with that rishta. However, had the family been really nice and your parents all got along rosey and they still hadn't given you even water, you would have potentially ruined a perfectly good rishta over it? Seriously? Sounds really weird and cray to me.
It's a wedding gift, not a way to off-set costs of an extravagant reception.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
Actually there is quite a big difference between the gifting system in Pakistan and how we do it here in the west.
Here, when we are gifting , its for the couple.
But in Pakistan , its mostly for the parents of either side coz they have done all the lena dena in terms of gifts and majority of the guests are always theirs that are invited to the weddings.
For me, any gifts from the friends remained with me .
Those who have asked about money being gifted at the dawats after the wedding, I would believe they belong to the couple coz that is specifically for them.
[quote="S_and_S, post:4, topic:317878"]
But why would money from a reception hosted by the parents go to the couple..in the case that guys/girls parents paid to host the Valima or reception? I mean it's the parents throwing a reception not the actual couple in most cases and most attendants are the guests of the parents not the kids...
Dawats are different. But PCG, I don't know maybe it's just me not being familiar with memon culture but that just sounds outright absurd to me. Clearly there were other issues from your posts with that rishta. However, had the family been really nice and your parents all got along rosey and they still hadn't given you even water, you would have potentially ruined a perfectly good rishta over it? Seriously? Sounds really weird and cray to me.
It's a wedding gift, not a way to off-set costs of an extravagant reception.
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This! The expectation that salami is way to for the parents to recoup their expenses for the meal they just served their guests sounds absurd to me.
Daughter-In-Law's Money
My husband and I did not have a separate Valima, just one combined reception. The day after the shaadi, we had a "chothi" function hosted by Ammi and she handed us all the monetary gifts that were given at the wedding.
With that being said, had she or my mil not done that, I wouldn't have asked or made a fuss about it, it's not worth it to start relations off on a sour note.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
I think the problem here is not the fact that monetary gifts go to pay off the reception. That's fine if that's what everyone involved agrees to. The problem is someone taking someone else's gift as their own.
But a gift is a bonus anyway, not something you should rely on as you set up your new life. Best not to let it become a source of conflict.
Re: Daughter-In-Law’s Money
It was one set that she kept as it was given by her daughter’s jethani ( sister in law). She let me have the other set her 3 daughters pooled in to give me.
QUOTE=bella88;10078777]ok that is just plain WRONG
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Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
My husband and I did not have a separate Valima, just one combined reception. The day after the shaadi, we had a "chothi" function hosted by Ammi and she handed us all the monetary gifts that were given at the wedding.
With that being said, had she or my mil not done that, I wouldn't have asked or made a fuss about it,*** it's not worth it to start relations off on a sour note.***
I've thought about this after reading threads about people rowing with their in-laws over money or gifts. People are beginning a new relationship on a sour note and that only leads to more negativity. How will they explain it if their children ever ask them why they don't get on with their grandparents? "Oh, it's because your grandmother didn't give us enough gifts at our wedding and kept the £100 that aunty gave to us." Not exactly classy.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
If someone gives money directly to the bride and groom then that's for them. If its the whole lena dena hisab kitab then the guests usually give to the parents or in laws. Whatever money I was given directly I kept. What money was given to my in laws they kept. My mum however gave me the money people had given her on the wedding. So its really different traditions I think. And even during my dawats I didn't keep that money. My MIL took it because she said it was so she could give it back. The same happened during my baby's aqiqah. The money given to me for my baby my MIL took and she's going to give it back. I personally don't agree with the way she does these things but I let it go cause its not worth the argument or hassle. Inshallah I won't be keeping this tradition. If I have a DIL inshallah she can keep her money and her children's money.
In the long run its not an important issue to fight over. Let it go.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
I just think ther'es something really really really really wrong wiht people who take another person's gifts (be it MIL-DIL, parents-kids etc)
Not the same thing but this is similar, I knew of parents who took their kids gifts and $ and whatever was given to them...so they could give it to someone else (not as a donation or less fortunate...they just didnt' want to pay out of their own pocket). kanjoosi ki hadd hoti hai.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
I honestly don't think its a big deal. I knew less than half of the people at my wedding and quite honestly people were there because of their relationship to my parents not to me so I did not think twice about it nor did I think about it that way. I did not have an extravagant wedding either so I think it differs from family to family but I really don't see it as people taking someone else's gifts, not when in its in a reception scenario. Had my parents been less active in the wedding and I had payed for my own wedding then yeah only then would I expect it but even though my husband paid for our valima, he still gave his dad the money that came directly from his guests. I don't see it as taking someone else's gifts, it just sounds more practical and honest in my opinion because had I done a wedding my way, majority of our guests would have been cut because they weren't invited on my preference. I think money given directly to you from your actual friends is one thing or even in a less formal setting which seems was what the op really meant, then yeah that is strange to me. The wedding scenario isn't at all when its like a mutual decision.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
I honestly don't think its a big deal. I knew less than half of the people at my wedding and quite honestly people were there because of their relationship to my parents not to me so I did not think twice about it nor did I think about it that way. I did not have an extravagant wedding either so I think it differs from family to family but I really don't see it as people taking someone else's gifts, not when in its in a reception scenario. Had my parents been less active in the wedding and I had payed for my own wedding then yeah only then would I expect it but even though my husband paid for our valima, he still gave his dad the money that came directly from his guests. I don't see it as taking someone else's gifts, it just sounds more practical and honest in my opinion because had I done a wedding my way, majority of our guests would have been cut because they weren't invited on my preference. I think money given directly to you from your actual friends is one thing or even in a less formal setting which seems was what the op really meant, then yeah that is strange to me. The wedding scenario isn't at all when its like a mutual decision.
Agreed . I think when we say "taking someone else's gift" , the first thing is to determine why they think that gift is their's . That is what we are talking about here. Those who are well versed with the Pakistani culture, will know lena dena plays a major role in relationships there , to keep it all fair between themselves.
We have seen a varied response even in this thread. So we cant really say who is right or wrong. Also to add , that the money is not for the parents to pay for the meal costs. I will give an example: we have three weddings at different times in our family, Phupo XYZ gave £1000 each time. Now there is a shadi in her family, we need to be fair in gifting her either accordingly or better if we can afford.
Its a bit of a complex gifting system, which varies from family to family. That is why , its best to depend on the spouse to find out what the custom is in their family and move forward accordingly.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
When my brothers got married, they handed over their salaami to my parents as they were the ones who hosted the Walima. It's not about them covering the costs of the wedding, it's more the fact that the money came from their social circle. A list was made of who gave what, so when said family gets one of their children married the same will be returned. Everything that came from brothers social circle was given to the couple to keep, as when their friends get married/have kids etc, they will be the ones giving the gifts.
As for gifts given to the bride when people come to see her at home, both my SILs gave the money to my Mum themselves. Again all 'lena dena' is done by her, in essence she's not keeping any of the money or spending it on herself, as it's going to get payed forward sooner or later. Gifts etc are kept by my SILs though. Neither has ever had an issue with it, I don't think I would have an issue giving money to my MIL either.
We easily attend 10+ weddings a year as a family, but my parents are the ones who give the salaami, not us. When we go to someones house to meet their new DIL or we host a dawaat for a new couple, again my parents are the ones who will be giving the gift. It's a cycle IMO, no one ever really benefits from the money given as it just gets passed on sooner or later. I guess this system works better in joint family systems, especially if said family has a big social circle.
Re: Daughter-In-Law’s Money
A few amusing replies, don’t know if they’re trolling themselves or us. 
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
Agreed . I think when we say "taking someone else's gift" , the first thing is to determine why they think that gift is their's . That is what we are talking about here. Those who are well versed with the Pakistani culture, will know lena dena plays a major role in relationships there , to keep it all fair between themselves.
We have seen a varied response even in this thread. So we cant really say who is right or wrong. Also to add , that the money is not for the parents to pay for the meal costs. I will give an example: we have three weddings at different times in our family, Phupo XYZ gave £1000 each time. Now there is a shadi in her family, we need to be fair in gifting her either accordingly or better if we can afford.
Its a bit of a complex gifting system, which varies from family to family. That is why , its best to depend on the spouse to find out what the custom is in their family and move forward accordingly.
It may be the culture in some specific part of Pakistan. I am Pakistani and haven every heard of in laws keeping the monetary gifts.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
S and S the money is gifted to the couple not the in laws, hence that money is kept by the couple.
But thats not some set rule. I see it differently. It may have been on the occasion of 'my' wedding but in essence I was just the bride. The gifts were based off of the relationship my parents have with these people giving the gift, not me and my parents were also the hostesses, not me. Therefore, I don't feel I have the right to that money because like someone else mentioned, its the circle of lena dena and that is now on my moms 'gift tab' which she will have to return one day. Its usually give and take in our culture, not only take. I will have to return what my friends did for me and my parents will have to return what their friends did for them. Since my mom will be the one returning that money, why would I keep it? If my parents had already given me so much for my wedding as most parents do, I personally didn't see the need to keep the money that came specifically from both of my receptions. Again, its a preference and family specific practice, everyones lifestyles are different.
Re: Daughter-In-Law's Money
^^ it's a "gift". I don't c the point of giving a gift only to expect that back. It would be better then if everyone kept their own money and not bother with the charade of giving.