...Cultural Clash...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: ...Cultural Clash...

[quote="Shikra"]

Will I change when I actually have my own kids, I don't know.

\QUOTE]

A sincere advice,....dont hurt your relationship with them now just b/c you dont know what changes you may exhibit tomorrow...

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Re: …Cultural Clash…

I called my parents a few times wheN I was on my honeymoon just to let them know things were OK (since I wa away from them for hte first time aur woh bhi in another third world country :hehe: ) so it really wasn’t a nuisance to me at all..my brother on the other hand was like “stop calling, enjoy your vacation” lolz…my ILs didn’t call except once or twice, and that was alright too.. but w/o going into detail, i know EXACTLY what you are talking about…

Last person to answer this post wins!!!!
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Re: ...Cultural Clash...

Makes sense. Situation here is that THEY don't call me, they expect ME to call them. Mom would sit next to the phone all day and would wait for MY phone call. My argument is that if YOU want to talk to ME, why don't YOU pick up the phone and call ME? Why put all burden on one side? I don't think I am asking for too much.

You are right about parents being friends, then it's a different ball game. If they give me a chance to miss them, perhaps I would call? I don't know if I am the only one like this, but too much love gets annoying.

I would like to mention one thing: A girl PMed me and said that she was surprised/glad to see my thread and she thought only girls have this kind of problems. I just want to say that other than a few exceptions, majority of desis have problems, guys OR girls. It's just that guys tend to keep things within themselves and are hesitant of sharing what's going on inside them, until/unless water is over the head.

Last person to answer this post wins!!!!
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this strikes a chord with me. when i moved out and into my own apartment, there was every kind of desi hungama you can imagine. but i needed to do it for the sake of my sanity, because as much as i love my parents, back then, it was stifling. i wasn't allowed out, i wasn't allowed white friends (i now have a white husband whom they adore- ironic, huh?), and i simply wasn't allowed any freedoms that normal human beings need in order to feel more like a person and less like a thing. i was working, i was paying taxes, i was voting, i had a drivers license and a health card, i was in every sense of the term, an individual and yet, living at home, i felt like much less. and i couldn't deal with it. so i moved out. maybe it was extreme, maybe i could have stayed and fought, but the thing is, anytime i tried to bring it up, i was always stonewalled and then ignored and then i was expected to apologise! couldn't handle it.

once i did move out, after the **** settled, things got SO much better. i dont know if i'd advocate it for everyone- you really need to have a thick, thick skin to do it in our culture and it isn't the most pleasant thing in the world, but because of what i share with my parents now, i feel like it was worth it. although yes, of course, i regret hurting them, now that the bitterness has passed and i feel more settled (back then it feels like i was in a daze) and i pray for forgiveness every time i pray. my parents live away from me now and i miss them SO freakin' much, i can't even tell you how much. and i think it stems from having a better relationship, being more understanding and sharing more love and respect. its not by force or duty, its by choice. and that is worth fighting for.

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Re: ...Cultural Clash...

And the jackpot is yours!!!!

Without going much into details, it's the same case here. Parents say to us kids all the times that when something is bothering you or if there is a problem, come talk to us. Sit down with the family and let's find the solution to the problem. Sounds simple and nice, right? Well when I do it, mom simply refuses to open her ears to MY POINT OF VIEW and starts crying and dad simply gets upset and start speaking loud. My problems:

  1. You asked us to sit down and discuss and that's what I am doing, let's do it in a civil manner and with calm minds.
  2. If dad can raise his voice, so can I, but I don't because I am supposed to respect parents. Parents should also keep in mind that they should not take advantage of their authority knowing that the child will not yell back. If the child yells back, oh he/she is very batameez and ignorant.
  3. As you said, desi parents expect KIDS to apologize and "manaa them" even when it's not the children's fault. That bugs the heck out of me because I will not apologize when it's NOT my fault. I know some people can do it, I CAN'T! That does 2 things to me: 1) Discourages me from discussing because in the end, I'll have to apologize. 2) Brings my moral/self-respect down because if dad's getting upset and I have to force myself to keep calm, I can't talk about anything in this situation.

As I said earlier, desi parents (and children) don't try to learn things from each other's perspective until they get separated. What's the point then? It's too late already. One should never burn bridges and should always try to work things out, and it takes BOTH SIDES to sit down in a relaxed environment, calmly discuss, and understand where the other person is coming from.

* IF ABOVE PERSON SAY I LOVE U *
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Re: ...Cultural Clash...

my dear brother,
you simply need to turn out the negative energy into positive in theory of change and to practice it in this aspect, you would fare far better if you did not over react to either parent's expectations or even impositions.
that is where intelligence, patience and an amicable regard of the two of you, vis a vis your elders will enable you to express your maturity, zeal to have good relationship with everyone :>
relationship among in-laws and out laws are one of the most tricky things, i have heard and seen, not experienced though.
but, i would say this: is the newly married couple has good intentions, as a team of two - then no force in the world can deprive you of your right to your privacy & ability as a young couple to live your married life as a separate entity then your parents and their families.
they have had their time living out their married lives.
& they got you married because they want the same to be experienced by you.
things will take time, but please don't annoy anyone and also don't spoil your own moods, due to that.
also, this is not culture that should prevent you from having a life style you like in terms of interacting with you parents, but it is very much how good of a relationship you have developed now as a married young man and your better half, as a married young woman, that it becomes a familial affair.

that this family has a very good relationship with the newly married couple, because they leave the affairs of the married couple to them selves, as the families believe that the young couple is able to take care of their responsibilities and lead an independent happy life.

after all, is it not what they want for the younger generation?
the matter of choice, yes, is very much in the hand of the young man and woman, which i can attest to, if absent, can stop a marriage from happening as i experienced, very sadly.
simply because the parents were too controlling over the man. &, i dont know the rest of the whole truth.

i pray and wish you the very best in married life.

Dushwari

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tu aise kaho na ..u dont like 'being controlled' or been under surveillance after getting married. cultural clash kidher se??
u think non desi ke parents yeh sab kuch nahi kerte hon ge.... ofcourse they do. parents are just parents. ... its just that we desi tend to do the 'lihaaz' of our parents and mostly do whatever they want us to do whereas non desi kids mostly Don't.

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^ i disagree. non-desi parents generally respect boundaries more than desi parents who get offended at the concept.

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I am friends with non-desi parents at work. I hear their everyday problems. My co-worker has 2 children and his father is still alive. I see how he reacts with his children and what his relationship is like with his father. We are very open with each other. I know that there is a huge difference between his mentality and our desi parents' mentality.

This particular example that you quoted is not only about me not liking to be controlled, but cultural clash comes in where they think if I don't call my family everyday, I don't love them and it's not good for my future. Dad's reason for me to call them is NOT controlling me because they don't trust me, but it's rather if I don't call, the love will slowly go away and then I will eventually be separated from family because I won't have much in common.

That's not true for me. Just because I don't call everyday, that doesn't mean that I don't love my family or I won't do things with them together. They just don't see that. Again, there are many other examples and some of them I've given in this thread and some other people have mentioned. Go back and feel free to read those. Then I would love to hear your comments.

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Shikra, I can't specifically comment on your situation, but I feel one of the problems with desi culture is carved-in-stone roles, who have refused to grow and evolve with time. For example, a woman who was resentful of her mother-in-law's interference in her daily life, assumes the role of her mother-in-law when her son starts his married life. We have to get rid of the cultural baggage that comes with these roles to solve these issues. People can free themselves of this unnecessary baggage and still be caring parents and obedient/loving children.

It looks it's more like a clash of roles, dictated by the culture and society, than a cultural clash itself, because the level and nature of interference from desi parents can also vary a lot..

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I think some parents just have issues with letting go. It's not because they want to control you for the rest of their lives or they are purposely trying to make you uncomfortable or unhappy. And the letting go issue comes with parents from any culture, so dont feel so bad for yourself. There are tonns of other white, black, hispanic, italian etc kids who have issues with their parents as well.
Also, in your case, you got married pretty young and you have lived with them since you got married. Like you qouted the tv drama, that kids have to earn the right to be older or something like that, MAYBE you havent demonstrated (to their standards, not yours) being an adult.
Also, parents work their whole lives providing their children with everything that is in their reach. When you grow older, and can do stuff for yourself more and more, they feel left out. They feel that they are not needed anymore and therefore, they try to cling even harder. They are afraid that you might not have a place for them in your life anymore, that you have no need for them anymore. So it is upto you to make them feel involved in your life. You like to take the big decisions, you take the big decisions. But decisions, that may not be huge decisions, but maybe just everyday things, you can ask your mom or dad for help. You just have to make them feel that they are involved in your life, even though now you have new people and new relationships to deal with.

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Re: …Cultural Clash…

^ Good points daadi jee :stuck_out_tongue:

They know I can handle things on my own and they admit it too, but as you said, I guess they still want to pamper me :frusty: I know mom thinks she always need to be there to “protect” me or whatever. For example, this one time we evacuated for a hurricane and drove around all night and then til noon next day, in SLOW traffic because everyone was trying to leave town. Now we had been on road and I was driving for 17 hours, I normally don’t drink coffee but I was drinking coffee to keep myself up. I am human, after continuous sitting and driving for 17 hours, I dozed off and the car got off the road and the tire got on that “sound barrier” and I pulled it on the highway again. Everyone in the car was sleeping and they woke up too because of the noise.

Now, til this day, when I go to Houston alone (without mom), she is always scared that I will fall asleep in 5 hours while driving and she always gives me that example :aj:

My point is that I guess as parents, they would always think we can’t do stuff but they should change!!!

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Re: ...Cultural Clash...

alteast parents can be somewhat tolerated but can you imagine inlaws being so clingy!!i am experiencing that right now especially having a young mil who is obviously in denial of her age and wants to tag along everywhere with me and makes friends with all my friends--and if we go to a party where i meet someone nice that i want to become friends with she comes home and tries to makes friends with that person b4 i do!! yes and everywhere i go she tries to tag along--someone tell her she is my MIL not my buddy....and arrggghh i hate some much the whole khandan invitation i mean where ever we are invited it is an automatic assumption that they are invited----and they waste no time getting all excited about going to a party----also i feel like my friends sometimes feel obligated to invite them since they are living with us----i feel like we are living under their shadow---no independance in anything----

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yes it is about controlling... mano yeh na mano
they cant just let us go
he knows and You know it very well too and when you will call him everyday, u wont be saying 'hello dad, i m ok. Bye.' .. u'll ask him about him or a family.. he will ask you 'what r u doing? where r u going? where r u coming from? what r the plans for tonight? tomorrow' waighra waighra alongwith 'yeh na karo' aur ' kerna hai tou aise kero' etc. etc.

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^ I beg to differ. That is not always the case. And I am speaking from experience when I say this. Sometimes parents just want to know whether you are alright or not. I am no one to doubt their intentions. I was in Pakistan back in 2005. All my parents wanted me to do was call them and let them that everything is fine. Sometimes we would talk for over an hour but that was not forced upon any one of us. And sometimes, I would just call from Pakistan for few minutes to let them know that I am alright.

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there is huge difference between 'sometimes' and 'everyday'. i m NOT doubting their intentions either. .. its just that we are looking at the same thing through different angels

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I agree :). My apologies because I was in a hurry when I typed my previous post but I just wanted to say that everyone is brought up a different way. Though some or maybe even most things might be the same, the picture is not always the same in every family.

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Re: ...Cultural Clash...

a woman should not be expected to abondon her parents and the same goes for the man.

no matter how much privacy one needs, one does not need so much privacy as to cut out parents totally from one's life.

Yet, Shikra's point is valid in this that over bearing control situation must be addressed as friendly and as carefuly with parents can one possibly can.

hiding away, burying the issue, bearing in silence is not going to cut it out.
it has to be and must be discussed with parents so that they know and younger couple knows, that the intent of parents is not about control or spying, but to be involved in the lives of the young couple from a distance and at an appropriate level.
and it must be discussed in a very comfortable and non heated manner of discussion. in fact laughter and easy problem statement will make it a lot likely to be resolved.

Dushwari

Five Things
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Re: ...Cultural Clash...

oye, my mom still says to me that i shudnt turn the stove on! And shes in pakistan!! and to come home early!!

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sounds like my Mum... :)

rabbir hum huma kama rabba yaani saghira, Amin.