crazy cousins

Lifestyle Relationships
1

My post will be long so go grab popcorns or something if u wish.
There is a dilemma in my family these days. its basically between two of my cousins. about 10 years ago my grandpa fixed rishta between them.
heres a lil background info on them
GIRL = dad( my chachu) is financially not stable. She is educated, got her b.a and some course in pscyology or something i believe. lived and brought up in paki.

GUY = son of my other chachu. Had some illness since childhood. Is mentally a little slow, but not retarded . lets say 55-60% out of 100% in mental health. Hears loud, is tootla( wat do u call dat in english) and really bad eyesight, and after numerous treatments, his eyesight still has no improvement. is onlly 5-6 grade educated. Does not work due to eyesight, and depends on parents. Been living here in usa for about 17 years.

Due to my grandpa’s wish they got nikahed about 10 years ago. The girl’s mother disagreed but her opinion wasnt give any importance. A year later, my grandparents passed away. The guy’s family financially supported the girl and her family. Be it from her education, to her brothers and sisters. Her mother had a seious heart attack and they paid thousands of dollars on her medical bills as well. Now my girl cousin got her visa about 2 years back. She came, and wasnt very happy with her hubby’s condition. She wasnt behaving right with him either. As the guy’s parents noticed, they started behaving the same with her. The girl eventually came under them. The guy was sexually wrong with her. I DONT WANT TO GO IN DETAIL AS IT WOUDL BE INAPPROPRIATE ON THIS FORUM. The guys’s family members didnt not talk to her, as her mother in law and sister in law are born evil wit horns. Recently i went out of town, and my mom got sick so she asked her inlaws if she could bring her over for a while till i come back. well its been about 5 months now, i came back a week after she came over and she is still at our place. She does not wish to go back. Her inlaws do not wish to take her back unless she behaves like a wife to her hubby. The girl said she do not want to go back , and wants her green card and does not wish to go back to paki to her parents. the guys family refuse to give her the green card if she asks for divorce. they always brag about how much money they spent on her and her family.
Now the thing is, if there is a divorce then it will be 2 chachus against each other. it will be sad for all of us. The girl’s family knew about this before as well so why whine now? The girl seriously does not know what she will do after wards. And my family cannot finanicllay support her as we are already going through so much debt. AND I HATE SHARING MY ROOM WITH HER, AND CLEANING UP AFTER THE SO CALLED CLEANING SHE DOES, AND HOW UNORGINIZED SHE IS AND HOW MESSY THE WASHROOM IS ONCE SHE USES AND NEVER CLEANS AFTER HERSELF, AND USES ALL MY PRODUCTS AND WAX WHICH IS SOMETHING I DONT EVEN SHARE WITH MY OWN SIS AND SHE TAKES IT WITHOUT ASKING , AND SHE BARELY TAKES A SHOWER IN A WEEK.ok ok i didnt have to share this, im jus letting out the feelings inside on gs ughhh. i honestly hate her attitude, and lifestyle. but on a serious note what shoudl she do? give it another shot? or get a divorce? if get a divorce then should she stay here or go to paki?
thanks in advance for sharing ur suggestions, opinions. i hoope ur bowl of popcorn is finished haha :slight_smile: serious opinions esp from married women :slight_smile:

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Re: crazy cousins

ok one min lemme put popcorns in microwave....don't go anywhere will b back in a min

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Re: crazy cousins

So the guy is a headcase as well as sexually perverse. But she bears the burden of keeping all the chachus loving on each other, so she should just shut up and deal with it? Sick.

And the green card is not the in-laws to withhold. Only the government can do that. She can contact INS and get a new copy of her card sent to her directly, and she can move forward with her application and explain that she had to leave her husband because of sexual abuse and misrepresentation on the part of his family. Her in-laws are not the arbiters of rights they seem to think they are.

If she wants to she will be able to make it on her own. It will take time, but it's very doable. Better for her not to go back to Pak as her family seems to feel so free trading her around for their own purposes.

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Re: crazy cousins

wow man what happen to Common courtesy. Its good to help a person in need. You can buy your perfumes or your shampoos in the store but a Dua can never be bought!

Wht r u doing ?
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ok now lets see :khumar:

hmmm she doesn’t want to giv it a second shot? u can’t keep her? she won’t go back? so last thing to do is she stays in US. .

hav ur family/dad tried to talk to his brother abt girl being unhappy. hav he tried to make them realize its good if they let her go since she’ll never respect them. now i dunno abt US laws but if she files divorce can the hubby n in-laws really keep her green card? she must hav some rights. she can involve law n police if she likes n they don’t listen to any sense.

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Re: crazy cousins

if the elders of the family don't come to an agreement, the last choice she has to contact the gov and law officials and get her identity as an American back. from there you can be a nice human being and help her settle down.. it will take lot of sacrifice from ur end but she's ur sister.

i hate families who fight.. :( alhamdulillah my family is good both sides.

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My guess is that it would be hard to be happy and "work it out" with someone who is borderline retarded and sexually perverse. What a revolting situation.

And no, her in-laws can absolutely NOT keep her green card. It's legally hers, and if her in-laws signed as her fiscal sponsors (which they most likely did), they are not allowed to rescind that. All she has to do is contact an INS case officer, explain that she was duped into marriage with someone who is mentally impaired and sexually abusive and that her card is being withheld by her in-laws, and they will issue her a new card and consider her case even if she's getting divorced. The INS can be quite sympathetic to women who have had to leave marriages due to these kinds of circumstances, and the fact that she has a degree and has the potential to support herself will also strengthen her application for final permanent residency.

Having said that, the INS is a huge bureaucracy and it can take awhile for a case to be finalized. She should have received a social security card already---if her in-laws are holding that all she has to do is contact the social security administration for a replacement. With that plus ID she will have the proof she needs in order to start working here.

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Re: crazy cousins

i dunno but y grand-dads take such steps. do dilon ko milatay milatay pura khandaan ujer jata hai.

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Re: crazy cousins

Lil_Ash,

What were the girl's parents thinking. I understand that having financial problems can be a huge burden for a family.....BUT.....marriage is supposed to involve your whole life. The parents were not thinking when they agreed to this match between their daughter and severely handicapped nephews.

I think it's foolish to base your child's future on the wishes of "grandparents" or other "elders" of the family. In the end.......it's not the grandparents or the elders who have to deal with the consequences of the marriage........it's the "kids."

It's also the girl's fault for not taking a firm enough stand to say "No" to the rishta. The guy's family probably spent all that money to help the girl's parents in the hopes that she will agree to the match and get along with their son. What's the point of bragging about giving money to someone?

This is all so messed up. Talk to your cousin about her marriage. Ask her why she doesn't like the guy. Ask her if she thinks she can give it another. If she firmly believes that the marriage is too dysfunctional beyond repair.........then she should get out of it.

Her in-laws don't have the right to keep her green card because it belongs to her. Can she contact the immigration authorities and explain to them that her "green" hard is being held captive by her in-laws. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous......because it IS ridiculous. But perhaps an official authority can help her get the green card back.....or issue her another one since her immigration information should be in their records.

The girl most likely doesn't want to move back to her parents in Pak because they will probably just force her to go back and live with her husband. So, she feels trapped. If she wants to live in the same country as you............could your family help get her set up in a place of her own? Could they help her get a job and maybe find an apartment somewhere close by?????????? And then eventually, they can keep an eye out for a rishta for her.

It is VERY difficult to maintain a marriage with someone who is mentally disabled and also has other handicaps. Was the girl aware of this? The intellectual capabilities of two individuals should at least be at a round about similar level for a relationship to work. I sympathis with the guy and all the handicaps that he has. But it's ZULM to destroy a girl's life just so you can try to "settle" the life of your son who may not have the mental or physical capacity to make a marriage work.

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Sounds like a tough situation all around.

the girl has a right to a life with a husband who is on her won mental level...maybe she wants kids and he can't have any....judging by what you said, she must have been pretty young when she had a nikkah. obviously her own opinion and consent wasn't of importance, neither was her mothers. So your point about why are htey whining now is moot since you sai dso yourself the mothers opinion wasn't given any importance.

however it doesn't give her the right to treat him terribly.... but maybe since she had no say or importance in her llife she doesnt know better....

Secondly... I kinda feel bad for the guy....whatever his own situation is, he too deserves a wife who will care for him and take care of him, as do the in laws.

Also I dont think the family is evil... an evil family wouldn't willingly financially support two families..even if they were to support her after hte nikkah there was no rule that says htey have to support her mother or her siblings...i don't see how u can spend so much money on someone u just don't care about.

im sure they too are heartbroken when they see how she treats them.....maybe for them, the money they provided was their way of showing care (for some people, money is the only way they can show how they care) and in return being treated horribly hurts them....so maybe htey're not "Bragging" but rather lamenting that after all they could do this is how they are repaid....

i think everyone needs to go their separate ways... However if she does divorce, you guys should help her get on her feet..i.e., get a job, find a place to live, or if u dont want her ot live alone, tell her that this is how she will have to live (cleaning up after herself, at least pay for her own stuff etc).. i understand after 5 months of an unwanted guest you feel very annoyed....and she can def have an iattitutde after all she's been through

basically i think everyone here is a victim... =(

wow im done...a whole post without being mean or judgmental, i think im losing my touch :@:

I feel like..
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It is ridiculous but honestly I bet it won't be the first time the officer has encountered this type of situation. Many, many green card marriages are based on arranged marriage, and the situation of manipulative in-laws being at the center of it all and withholding documents will probably not be unheard of.

As for the girl standing up against the rishta, sounds like it was arranged when she was still a girl (early teens? Just my impression), and if the two families have been living on different continents for a long time it would have been fairly easy for the guy's family to hide his disability.

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I'm disappointed in you, Sara. Perhaps its time for me to take over as resident GS bee-yatch. ;)

When did you sleep yesterday?
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Re: crazy cousins

^ Regardless of whether the immigration authorities have heard this “excuse” before or not…you gotta do what you gotta do. If you can’t get people to give you what belongs to you by confronting them on your own…then outside help…such as an authority…is an option.

Why do some parents insist on ruining their children’s lives? At least the parents of a daughter should consider the fact that “divorce” carries such a huge stigma for women in desi society…before agreeing to a match that they KNOW deep down in their hearts and conscience can create HUGE problems in the future. :smack:

14

Yes, RV, stories like this absolutely confound me. I can't figure out where in their heads people make sense out of pulling crap like this on their children.

As for the immigration paperwork, if she lives in a smaller city she may even be able to get a couple officers from the local precinct to accompany her (a police escort is the right terminology, I think) to the in-laws home to ask for the paperwork, and that way they may be less inclined to refuse. Might be harder to swing in a big city where they have other 'priorities', but they are supposed to help with things like this, and it will also help provide official documentation if they refuse.

Wht r u doing ?
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Re: crazy cousins

[QUOTE]
Also I dont think the family is evil... an evil family wouldn't willingly financially support two families..even if they were to support her after hte nikkah there was no rule that says htey have to support her mother or her siblings...i don't see how u can spend so much money on someone u just don't care about.
[/QUOTE]
Sara, it cud've been that the family was trying to secure the marriage going through so they bought her mum and dad by paying for their expenses in return for their retarded son.

Just a thought coz nikkah's can easily break before the ruksati, maybe they were afraid of that happening so his family kept the girls family sweet.

and families are also usually expected to contribute somehow towards the well being of a sick person back home in some places

PMLN's lucky stars
PMLN's lucky stars
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Re: crazy cousins

^ And if the guy's family had helped pay the expense of the girl's family out of SINCERITY......they shouldn't be BRAGGING about the money that they had spent either.

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Re: crazy cousins

Like I said....maybe they're not** bragging but lamenting**...that can be a possibility...there's always many different ways to look at a situation, esp the way it's being told.

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^ i agree coz if u do so much as to educate a girl n her siblings n that same child after standing on her feet shows u attitude that hurts. may b the girl's family used them n now the girl got her green card she wants to rid of the marriage. yes both parties hav suffered coz of late grandfathers wishes. n may b he did that arrangement to secure his mentally weak grandson k gher ki larki sub achi tarah sambhal lay gee. they all knew abt his mental condition thats y the mother was against this rishta i guess.

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[QUOTE]
It is ridiculous but honestly I bet it won't be the first time the officer has encountered this type of situation. Many, many green card marriages are based on arranged marriage, and the situation of manipulative in-laws being at the center of it all and withholding documents will probably not be unheard of.
[/QUOTE]

NYCGori is right. The INS has heard insane stories like you wouldn't believe. This is actually one of the tamer ones.

I agree with everybody here. Tell her to get in touch with them, have her ask for a replacement, and then help her move on with her life.

Why do people do this to their children? I will never understand it.

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Five months is a long time to be an uninvited guest. It is also a long time to be sitting around not doing anything to help yourself get out of an unwanted situation. In these five months, did you see her behaviour showing her desire to become independent, move on with her life, do something, work, study, etc etc? Heck, even help out like crazy around the house? Greeen card thing is not even an issue, just go to the right authorities and get it but then what? She really needs to chop chop and get moving.

Timepass - September 2013