Like I said....maybe they're not** bragging but lamenting**...that can be a possibility...there's always many different ways to look at a situation, esp the way it's being told.
Sara i believe the same, because obviously the when you do your very best pay so much out of their way, heck they couldve spent the same money on their son's health that they spent on saving her mom life. But then Allah knows better of their intentions
It is ridiculous but honestly I bet it won't be the first time the officer has encountered this type of situation. Many, many green card marriages are based on arranged marriage, and the situation of manipulative in-laws being at the center of it all and withholding documents will probably not be unheard of.
As for the girl standing up against the rishta, sounds like it was arranged when she was still a girl (early teens? Just my impression), and if the two families have been living on different continents for a long time it would have been fairly easy for the guy's family to hide his disability.
NYCGori, the girl was in her teens, i believe she was 17 when she got nikahed. but her and her family members were very well aware of his situation. He went to pakistan and stayed at their place until nikah and then returned bak to USA. I did contact the INS and they said she could get her green card wiithout the inlaws consent or involvement. Thank god cause it would have been heartbreaking to know if this case was going to be in public and being a topic for gossip.
Sounds like a tough situation all around.
the girl has a right to a life with a husband who is on her won mental level...maybe she wants kids and he can't have any....judging by what you said, she must have been pretty young when she had a nikkah. obviously her own opinion and consent wasn't of importance, neither was her mothers. So your point about why are htey whining now is moot since you sai dso yourself the mothers opinion wasn't given any importance.
See the guy is capable of having children. As i already listed in what ways he is handicapped. Its not that he is just completely retarted and acts like a 4 year old, he is almost as normal as us, its just that when you talk to him he takes a little time and then responses, i dont know maybe he puts the sentence together in his mind or what. But my point is he is just a little slow, takes a little time to pick up on something, but not completely stupid. The doctors said he could recover alot if given enough attention. So i think if my girl cousin instead of sitting in the corner and crying all the time and trying to win over the in--laws, only if she had made the effort on him? Ever since she came over, the guy is really really depressed which saddens me because he needs someone too. Offcourse i feel sorry for the girl as well, neither does she deserve all this.
wow man what happen to Common courtesy. Its good to help a person in need. You can buy your perfumes or your shampoos in the store but a Dua can never be bought!
So she give me dua's if i let her use my beauty products? lolzzz all im saying is that i need my personal space. :)
Re: crazy cousins
is she working anywhere?
if no then ask her to work...n live as a paying guest.
if the elders of the family don't come to an agreement, the last choice she has to contact the gov and law officials and get her identity as an American back. from there you can be a nice human being and help her settle down.. it will take lot of sacrifice from ur end but she's ur sister.
i hate families who fight.. :( alhamdulillah my family is good both sides.
We are trying to help her out, getting her a job is difficult cause her english is really weak. I guess enrolling her to college would be a posibilty. Her staying over is a concern, as we already have a small house, and my brother will be getting married soon IA, and my sister from paki will be coming. and its a 3 bdr apt. But we will figure something out IA.
See the guy is capable of having children. As i already listed in what ways he is handicapped. Its not that he is just completely retarted and acts like a 4 year old, he is almost as normal as us, its just that when you talk to him he takes a little time and then responses, i dont know maybe he puts the sentence together in his mind or what. But my point is he is just a little slow, takes a little time to pick up on something, but not completely stupid. The doctors said he could recover alot if given enough attention. So i think if my girl cousin instead of sitting in the corner and crying all the time and trying to win over the in--laws, only if she had made the effort on him? Ever since she came over, the guy is really really depressed which saddens me because he needs someone too. Offcourse i feel sorry for the girl as well, neither does she deserve all this.
^ Maybe your guy cousin has a low IQ....but not to the point of mental retardation. As a teacher I've seen that it's challenging for even kids of average to high intelligence to socialize with peers that have a pronounced low IQ. The social interaction is a bit challenging and requires patience and understanding.
I think you and your parents need to sit down with your cousin and talk to her nicely but firmly. Although she is your relative, it's not right for her to impose on you like this and especially for so long without showing any responsibility or maturity. So your parents....as the authority figures in the house.....should sit her down and say "You have been living with us for 5 months and we understand the importance of supporting one's family. However, we're experiencing financial problems of our own and it's not that we don't like having you here....but we would like for you to have some consideration for our dilemma as well. Have you given some thought to your future plans? Do you plan to either go back to your husband and give your marriage another chance or do you want out of this marriage? "
YOU need to talk to your cousin and tell her "Please don't take this the wrong way. My intention is not to offend you, but I've been cleaning up after you quite a bit and I have other responsibilities as well. While you're living her with us.......could you please make more of an effort to help with the cleaning and the chores. It will make things easier for all of us. Also, since we're cousins, I would like for us to get along with each other. And often times, I sense a tense vibe between us. You seem frustrated and angry to me at times. I think we should talk about the situation."
The obvious thing here is that some sort of mature and open dialog needs to take place between your cousin and your parents.....and between you two women. ONLY THEN.....will you get some idea about her future plans and then you can take it from there. If she decides to go back to her hubby.......give her suggestions to improve the relationship. If she decides to leave her hubby and stay in the US.........contact police/immigration authorities to help her get the green card back from in-laws........and help her find a job or an apartment nearby if it's becoming burdensome to live with her.
Either** DO **something about the situation if you're so upset. But if you're only going to complain and do nothing..............then accept the situation. First step to this problem is to sit down and talk to this girl.
GUY = son of my other chachu. Had some illness since childhood. Is mentally a little slow, but not retarded . lets say 55-60% out of 100% in mental health. Hears loud, is tootla( wat do u call dat in english) and really bad eyesight, and after numerous treatments,** his eyesight still has no improvement. **is onlly 5-6 grade educated. Does not work due to eyesight, and depends on parents. Been living here in usa for about 17 years.
Sara i believe the same, because obviously the when you do your very best pay so much out of their way, heck they couldve spent the same money on their son's health that they spent on saving her mom life. But then Allah knows better of their intentions
But didn't u say (or is it what they said?) that they spent money on treating him but it didn't work ?
See the guy is capable of having children. As i already listed in what ways he is handicapped. Its not that he is just completely retarted and acts like a 4 year old, he is almost as normal as us, its just that when you talk to him he takes a little time and then responses, i dont know maybe he puts the sentence together in his mind or what. But my point is he is just a little slow, takes a little time to pick up on something, but not completely stupid. The doctors said he could recover alot if given enough attention. So i think if my girl cousin instead of sitting in the corner and crying all the time and trying to win over the in--laws, only if she had made the effort on him? Ever since she came over, the guy is really really depressed which saddens me because he needs someone too. Offcourse i feel sorry for the girl as well, neither does she deserve all this.
Im just curious, the guy was raised in US u said? If he spent his childhood here...there's no way that he can still be "slow" and have a 5-6 grade education...at least in the US, parents can be punished if the child is taken out of school...
I hate to say it but the ones who should have made an "effort" on him were his parents and educators....it seems like all his family wanted was a "nurse" rather than a wife and life partner which sadly is not uncommon
But didn't u say (or is it what they said?) that they spent money on treating him but it didn't work ?
Im just curious, the guy was raised in US u said? If he spent his childhood here...there's no way that he can still be "slow" and have a 5-6 grade education...at least in the US, parents can be punished if the child is taken out of school... I hate to say it but the ones who should have made an "effort" on him were his parents and educators....it seems like all his family wanted was a "nurse" rather than a wife and life partner which sadly is not uncommon
He came to us when he was 17. He is older then the girl about 7 years i think. He has 5 other younger siblings so i guess his parents didnt pay as much attention on him as they relly should have or as they did on the younger ones. And offcourse they more likely did want someone more of nurse then a wife, but the girl was aware of it during the period of 10 years from nikah to rukhsati. I did talk to girl as well on what she wants, and she clearly has no intention of going back to the marriage so were figuring out on what we can do to help her settle down here. Now were being blamed by the guy's side for bringing her here, and the girls dad blames us as well for her decision of divorce. I told my cousin that she has to make her final decision and let the inlaws know of it but she for some reason she is dragging.
She's stalling about telling her in-laws that she wants a separation because she knows that it will not only upset them but also anger her parents. And it's difficult to deal with angry parents.
Have you asked her WHY she doesn't want to go back to her husband? Could some of his issues be worked on? Does she have more of an issue with her husband or her in-laws? If the in-laws are more of a problem, then is it possible for her to live with her husband SEPARATELY from the in-laws? That's another option.
It's challenging to raise low IQ. The most dramatic improvements in IQ take place when an individual is young (infant to maybe 5 years old maybe a bit older). During this time, if the child is placed in a very stimulating environment.....IQ can be improved. It becomes harder when interventions are done at a later stage in childhood. At that point......it's better to provide the individual with accommodations such as speech therapy to improve quality of speech OR functional education where he/she learns more about skills (getting job, managing money, balancing checkbook, etc) that are more practical in life.
However....there ARE adults who are called "slow learners" and their level of academic intelligence will always be around the 5th-6th grade level.....much lower than their age. The guy cousin's parents and educators probably tried to provide him with an IEP (individual education plan) to meet his specific learning needs. Although improvements could have been made......to help him become more functional and social.........little could be done to raise the IQ level dramatically.
Five months is a long time to be an uninvited guest. It is also a long time to be sitting around not doing anything to help yourself get out of an unwanted situation. In these five months, did you see her behaviour showing her desire to become independent, move on with her life, do something, work, study, etc etc? Heck, even help out like crazy around the house? Greeen card thing is not even an issue, just go to the right authorities and get it but then what? She really needs to chop chop and get moving.
Ditto!
Re: crazy cousins
the whole marriage is based on greed, girl parents were poor, they like the idea of girl going to US and somehow be a happily married there. guys parents were greedy to get a nice and sane girl which may not be possible otherwise, hence this situation. its like they have bought the girl.
Now the girl is in US, somehow she doesnt accept a bit abnormal hubby when everybody around him have a normal life and certainly its not dream of every girl. it takes lots of guts and courage and love to get on with such married life, which isnt there.
now i guess, help the girl to get on her feet and may be find someone else for her to get married.
in this process, your uncle here will be not speaking and blaming you for everything and plus the girls parents too.
but whatever, its forced and under age marriage case, girl is forced to it with some icing of life in US, nothing else.
Hey, I felt so strongly about this that I thought I had to chip in.
First of all, I absolutely agree with NYCGori. You guys should help her contact the INS to get help ASAP. A few days back there was an article in NYT about a new policy of the US government to grant asylum for 'battered' women in other countries provided, of course, they meet some very strict criteria. As your guest is already a permanent resident of this country, I am sure with some help from your end she will have an easier time extricating herself out of this unfortunate situation. Her first priority should be to get help from the relevant authorities and to get her her green card back (and probably SSN), then she could go on from there.
Maybe your chachu et al. do not realize that they cannot keep her trapped in an abusive relationship just because of some help they offered to her family in exchange for her hand. I hate to say this but at least in this country women are not considered commodities; they have rights. And, maybe because I am a little biased, I think the law here does tend to favor the fairer sex . I digress but I know of one family where a sister visiting from abroad a couple,who were having difficulties in their marriage, was forced to leave the brother's house after the wife called 911! The couple eventually divorced and the guy had to share his assets with and provide sufficient monthly spousal support to his ex who neither worked before nor after the divorce.
I am not an authority on divorce laws but although the couple I mentioned has children together, I believe alimony, to a lesser extent, is still mandated by law to spouses even if they don't. Since the guy in queston does not work it probably may not amount to a lot. In any case, she might want to file a lawsuit against the in-laws for forcing her to go through the trouble she did. That might leave her with some decent amount of money.
Also she does not have to be completely a burden on you guys. She is probably already eligible for some welfare/ food stamps etc that you guys could help her get. Also get her enrolled in a local community college (all of which I think offer financial aid) for some English/computer classes; she could subsequently go on to study for some associate degree in accounting or something that will leave her better poised to get a job here.
I am sure it is not a very ideal situation for you to put up with this guest but I have to agree with Mcpendo about 'duas'. I think there is also some hadith to the effect that none of us truly believe until we wish for others what we want for us. You know, you and your family will definitely be rewarded by Allah for the help of you guys to this lady in these difficult times for her. However, she does not need to behave like a princess either; gently remind her to lend you a hand in cleaning, not use your stuff etc. Since 'fish and guests stale after three days', there is no need for unnecessary takaluf. Be kind but frank about what is bugging you.
Phew, that was quite long but I do hope things get better for your cousin.
Re: crazy cousins
im sorry, i dont get this. if they are cousins, surely she knows her husbands conditions before she married, so im assuming she only came for the passport.....
Re: crazy cousins
im not feeling as sorry for her as everyone else is. im not sure what exactly shes going thru, and you did mention the sexual abuse, did you mean rape? whatever it is, how do you know this, did she tell you...can you trust her. is shes so badly hurt, why doesnt she go back home. i know if it was me, id run back to my homeland where people know me, i have family....yet shes insisting on getting a green card, which somehow is undermining her abuse shes been thru...
Re: crazy cousins
man, when will the grown ups learn
if she didnt want to get married to him, its nto her fault she is not looking after him. Every man/woman has a right to marry someone they would like...
Are u saying, the guys parents havent given him enough attention this whole time, hence his condition hasnt improved? that then a tough ask on the girl isnt it? maybe his parents need to start loving him and giving him proper attention before she does.. ?
Also, did they just buy her to get here? i mean, did they just see her as a girl in paki who would choop chaap se marry the cousin without saying a word?
in regards to being at ur place for 5 months... maybe you need to take her otu and show her agencies that can help. Get her to check out places she can work or study.. help her get moving. She's new in the country... doesnt have her parents... so obviously, the next best people would be relos. Since her inlaws arent being all that great... how about you give her some positive advice.. rather than worrying about ur wax
Re: crazy cousins
I understand that parents can lay down their life for their child........but it's selfish of parents to destroy the life of somebody else's child (daughter or son).....to establish the life of their **own **child.
The girl is not always the victim in this situation. Sometimes parents will put pressure on the sons to marry a girl who the son is not compatible with on various levels.....for reasons such as green card....or strengthening family ties, etc etc. It's not fair....and in the process....many lives are affected.
Re: crazy cousins
I hope the matter be resolved
Re: crazy cousins
lil-ash hav u asked ur cousin that if she doesn't wanna go back wat actually her plans are? does she intend to live with u guys forever? coz if her eng is bad n she's not able to find a reasonable job how would she survive? u guys hav to sort it out now coz may b she's staying at ur place with expectations that she can live with u guys n no need to work or move out.
i also don't realy think shes a victim here.i feel she saw a way to get out of pak. but having a mentally challenged husband is not easy to hav either.
i also get feeling this girl is a clever little mut..not as masoom n maskeen as she claims..