what would you do when your husband loves u respect ur family and the father of ur three growing kids but still after 8 years of married life unable to save your self respect…
my husband is a very fine gentleman but his brother is very ill mannered n hyper…shouted at me couple of times and my husband is totally helpess in dis case:( n now things r going out of control as my kids r growing up…the whole in laws is taking advantage of my hubby’s cowardness now ,they know he will never react but the things r becoming unbearable for me now…
As much as he is your husband, a very fine gentleman, as you just said, he would be a fine gentleman as a brother and a son also. I dont think men look and sound sensible if they get involved in the family fights. Inspite of dragging your husband in into your problems with inlaws (which is a very common issue already) you should learn to pick your battles your self. Dont call your husband a coward if he is not fighting for you. Once he starts doing that, I wonder what names will he be called by his own family. And I am sure this is the last thing on earth you would want; your husband's disgrace by his own family.
As far as the BIL is concerned, and his ill manners, in Islam, it is suggested to avoid such people (who have low moral values). On top of every thing, PATIENCE is always rewarded the best. As they say, Inn Allaha Muassabireen.
Yep. Men look and sound more sensible as silent spectators. Especially when someone is screaming at and disrespecting the mother of their children - then they look downright manly.
yes u are right calling him coward is not right........but actually once he cried and begged him to stop shouting so dat made me angry and sad :( and i can't avoid him as he lives with us:( plus once n twice he blamed my husband for several things which was again very humiliating and about in laws yes i shud not drag my husband into it but wat when dey drag him themself .....n now even his neices who were kids when i got married n now dey r working women are behaving so strange like dey were the kids i used to sleep wid n had many good moments .....it is soo depressing n sad i don't want to pick fights but i don't want to c my husband helpless and i guess now i have to take the stand for my daughters n my husband
some men let their wives go through a whole lot but when their kids start to get abused, they wake up
maybe your husband needs such a wake up call? tell him your children are getting affected by this all. doesnt he want his children to respect him. how can they if his own famliy doesnt
Its very important in a relationship to keep the communication open and when its related to SO’s close relatives, its even more important.
Have you talked to your husband already and told him about your dislike at this? Yes its all happening around him, yes he perhaps know all this but sometimes TALK can do wonders. I am not asking you to be a complain monkey or go fight, just have a decent talk with him that how you do not like it and how it will impact you personally and your family (kids and you both).
Some men need serious talk before they can realize things…
some men let their wives go through a whole lot but when their kids start to get abused, they wake up
maybe your husband needs such a wake up call? tell him your children are getting affected by this all. doesnt he want his children to respect him. how can they if his own famliy doesnt
some men let their wives go through a whole lot but when their kids start to get abused, they wake up
maybe your husband needs such a wake up call? tell him your children are getting affected by this all. doesnt he want his children to respect him. how can they if his own famliy doesnt
Dur-e-Shahwar. Like the scene where she tells her husband that he's upset because this time around it's his own daughter that's being ill-treated, but he showed little concern when it was his own wife that was mistreated because she was "someone else's beti."
i guess now i have to take the stand for my daughters n my husband
^ This!
It's very easy to talk about how your husband isn't standing up for you etc. etc. etc. However, what is your excuse for not standing up for yourself and your husband/daughter? Both of you are in the marriage together right? You stated that YOU don't want to "pick fights"......well, heck imagine how your husband feels since the people you expect him to stand against are his own brother, mother, father etc. You yourself don't want to experience the drama of picking fights....but you're upset that your husband doesn't want to go through it?!
My personal belief is that you should not expect anyone else (including your husband) to stand up for you if you're not willing to fight for yourself.
You need to stand up and put your BIL in his place. Once my BIL said something mean to my husband.. not even super disrespectful but just told him to mind his own business... I was so pissed. I told him and my other in laws that I am not going to put up with this behavior and that I demand apology. My husband didn't say anything I did. My husband is just too nice.
You need to stand up and put your BIL in his place. Once my BIL said something mean to my husband.. not even super disrespectful but just told him to mind his own business... I was so pissed. I told him and my other in laws that I am not going to put up with this behavior and that I demand apology. My husband didn't say anything I did. My husband is just too nice.
That, to me, by the way is another extreme. U should have talked to your hubby and make him settle thing b/w him and his brother. Even if he is too nice, you could have pumped him up :)
^^ No, there are times when I tell him that his family did something wrong. Most of the time.. lets say almost always he chooses to not say anything to them. The only time he did speak up for me, his family said they will throw me out of the house (not that t hey aren't nice), but that's how it works. I told his mom that I didn't like how my BIL spoke to my husband, the same guy who finance his education, his living. Even if they don't agree on something, best approach is to stay quiet rather than being disrespectful... Well the BIL did apologize to my husband. I am not going to sit and listen to unnecessary insults. I know my husband, he is just too nice to say anything to anyone, me or them.
Perhaps your husband avoids conflict because he knows that it will only fuel the tension. I don't know how well this would work........BUT, if this is indeed his concern, then let him know that you understand and help him out by working "around" the situation. For example, rather than push him to get into everybody's face............talk to him about the consequences a certain decision/action would have on you and his children. Working with him in making decisions will help him to see an issue from various angles and be better prepared to discuss it intelligently and confidently with his family (your in-laws)......it gives him a more firmer position.
Getting mad at him for not lashing out at your in-laws for disrespecting you is more likely to backfire because it puts him in a sticky situation. Seeing his parents and siblings turn against him could make him resent you as well. So pick and choose your battles (easier said than done when you're livid). Also, praise goes a long way. When you DO see your husband making a good decision or acting in a way that shows strength/leadership.......compliment him. It builds confidence in a repeating the positive action.
Thanku all first of alll for taking out ur time and replying........
secomdly it is not only about me ,it is about my husband also.....like insulting hin in front of other people and even blaming him for few buisness problems not only at work but at home too in front of my sils's n kids here......i had hundreds of disscussions with my husband and we decided that we will do other buisness in other country plus will keep our kids away from this but when we left our country immediatly he applied for his residential visa and now again he is with us..... and now my husband is saying that he will send me bak dere wid kids to live near my mom's place but i don't want to leave my husband here but now he can't leave the country bcoz of his work ........the things r soo soo complicated,n yes my husband don't want me to say anything to my bil as he know he is very hyper n will react accordingly ,even last week he slapped a taxi driver here..........i told my husband that i will talk to him politely n confidently but still husband not allowing me to:( well I am not going to leave my husband n go back......if the things go out of control i will definitly stand up.......
and for those who asked y i expecting my husband only to take the stand bcoz i can take the stand for my kids n me which i did once n had to leave the house for one month.......but for my husband he shud bbe taking it which now i know is nearly impossible as he is too goooooood dat it is effecting his own family
So you stood up for you children…and you got kicked out of the house? Your husband stood by while you were thrown out of the house?
With all due respect…one has to demand respect in order to get it at times. Since your husband seems perfectly with his family treating not only him with disrespect…but you and the kids…then unfortunately there’s not much you can do but put up with it. Ummm…he doesn’t “allow” you do stand up? Why do you need his permission? What will your husband do if you stand up to your BIL? Allow them to throw you out of the house again?
Besides…what is preventing you and your husband from living on your own?
Am i the only one here who thinks OPs husband should be taking a stand for here? I mean she is HIS responsibility, HE married her..how can he let HIS family just disrespect her and not say anything?
He doesn't have to scream and fight but atleast take a stand and say he will not tolerate anyone dis-respecting his wife especially his younger brother?
If her husband took a stand for her the first time his family dis-respected her this wouldn't have escalated.
If her family dis-respects him and call him a coward would people not expect her to take a stand for him and stop that?
Also, if her own husband is not going to stand up for her then who will? After all husband and wife are each others "libaas" as per Quran.
^ Speaking up for YOU is different. Speaking up for HIMSELF (with his family) is totally upto him unless something extreme is happening.
I tell my own family too if I feel like they say something to my husband thats unfair. To begin with yes my husband should be the one telling his bro not to talk.to him like that but knowing my husband, he will never. His brother thinks too highly of himself and that he can say whatever he wants, ummm not in my house, staying under our roof, thats just not happening. My husband says bus chup ho joa, janay do, I am just not that way. When you see something wrong, speak up. Dont think I am like this with just my in laws. I dont put up with insults no matter who is saying it. I go out of my way to make sure my bil gets his money on time,stayed chup when my husband cant do something for me bcuz he has to think abt his brother first, atleast he can talk to us with respect..... Dont ya think?
So you stood up for you children…and you got kicked out of the house? Your husband stood by while you were thrown out of the house?