I need some serious advice on behalf of my cousin who is also my best friend.
My cousin got married last month. It was a love marriage and she was in constant communication with her in laws who reside in a different country during the engagement period. During this time her sister in laws (3) were wonderful and loving towards her and she was excited about meeting them (girl’s side was to fly to her husband’s family’s country for the wedding). Anyway, we all went up for her wedding and a number of things have occurred which has left a sour taste in my cousin’s mouth:
throughout the engagement period, cousin’s sister in law assured her that a top notch makeup artist had been arranged for all 2 events. On the Mehndi night and wedding day, however, her husband’s family sent his chachee to the hotel at which we were staying to do the bride’s makeup. My cousin is pretty but unfortunately this chachee did a horrid job and my cousin looked awful on both days- on the morning of the wedding she rang her husband and requested that the other makeup artist be sent instead but my cousin’s sister in laws wouldn’t let that happen and the result was that they all looked stunning on HER wedding whilst she looks miserable in her pics/dvd and on stage. She looked awful. Her tikka was also not attached properly and was clearly on one side of her forehead the entire function and in the dvd she can be seen adjusting it the whole time.
cousin’s sis in law told her to send her churi size for her gold bangles. Come the morning of the wedding and cousin receives her jewellery, she is handed glass bangles to wear. When queried further, sis in law told cousin’s husband that my phuppo (cousin’s mum) told them not to make any gold bangles as cousin has too many. This is a blatant lie and phuppo is the sweetest lady ever and confirmed she never said this. Cousin’s husband of course believes his sister.
my phuppo handed over an envelope with 2.5 lakh PKR to cousin’s MIL and SILs for them to buy clothes (wedding gifts for extended family members).They told cousin’s husband that the envelope only contained 1.5 lakh which is another lie.
cousin’s FIL gave the MIL and SIL 5 lakh PKR for them to buy cousin’s casual wears - these were separate funds from her wedding dresses. These women bought only 7 joras for my cousin and seemed to have kept the rest as FIL was furious when he learned they had only bought 7 suits for her and claimed that the entire 5 lakh had been used on her casual wears.
Cousin’s hubby’s grandma apparently gave cousin a ring. It was never given to her but cousin did not want to make waves and tell her hubby that it was never given to her from her SIL as he is already annoyed with her.
The biggest issue for my cousin is that her husband believes his mother and sisters and whatever crap they feed him. She now has to go back to their house in a few months for youngest SIL wedding and feels sour towards them. How should she handle the situation? Why is her husband been such a dope and what can I advise her to do to improve the situation?
Okay, I sincerely hope that nobody will tell you that what happened is not a big deal. Having recently gone through my sister's wedding, I can understand it's a big deal for a bride to feel satisfied with her clothes and makeup as it's a very special and memorable day. It sucks that screwed your cousin over with the makeup artist....and it seems things became progressively worse. If Alhumdolillah, your cousin has been given jewelry and clothes by her own family, that's really what matters most. Does she really want money/gifts from in-laws who seem not to be genuine with her? Is she severely lacking in her wardrobe and jewelry? Does she have a husband who provides for both her basic needs and luxuries? Is the answer is yes, then she should move on from where her in-laws fell short. Alhumdolillah she has other, more genuine people in her life to feel grateful for. Tell her to look at what Allah HAS blessed her with in terms of relations and material things and not to keep looking at what He didn't give her.
How is your cousin's relationship with her husband? If it's good overall, then that's what she needs to focus on. By now she has seen many examples which show that her mil and sils don't keep their words and will even go as far as lying. So, when she goes to visit her in-laws....she should not have any expectations of them. That's the first advice. She should not expect gifts (money, clothes, jewelry etc) from them. She should not expect any special treatment/hospitality from them. Keep expectations low. She should avoid complaining about her in-laws to husband...esp during this visit. She should be careful with how much she shares with her in-laws in case words are manipulated. Though there hasn't been any theft, but she should keep her valuables (jewelry, money) safe and not carelessly left out in the open. And she should ask her MIl if she needs any help with the wedding in the PRESENCE of her husband. Why? Just so her husband witnesses his mother's response in case she tries to "manipulate" words later on. Any discussions regarding gifts and how much money should be given or spent for sil's wedding should be discussed with your in-laws in your husbands presence....so that way he is a witness to all that is discussed and agreed upon. Also, your cousin should not resort or stoop to level of her in-laws. She should strive to always behave better than them...especially in front of her husband. Why? Because by doing so, over time the husband will hopefully see the difference in your cousin's behavior and his mother and sisters' behavior....he'll see that wife behaves with more dignity and respect and that'll tell him that the problem is with the women in his own family. It's a long process, but if he's going to be stuck between two angry women...it becomes harder to know which to believe unless a difference in behavior is seen. Also, people who resort to cheap, underhanded tactics...can't manage secrecy for too long, their mischief and the ill feelings they harbor come to light eventually.
MA my cousin's family did a lot for her- even giving her and hubby half the money to buy a house. They spent thousands on gifts for his family and they still complain. Cousin's hubby now wants to give 10 thousand dollars to his sis and her hubby as a wedding gift- this 10 thousand dollars will go from 15 thousand dollars that my cousin's grandfather gifted them on THEIR wedding as cousin's hubby earns very little in his job which barely covers their expenses. Cousin is upset- how to handle?
And thank you for the useful advice above, I will relay this to her.
MA my cousin's family did a lot for her- even giving her and hubby half the money to buy a house. They spent thousands on gifts for his family and they still complain. Cousin's hubby now wants to give 10 thousand dollars to his sis and her hubby as a wedding gift- this 10 thousand dollars will go from 15 thousand dollars that my cousin's grandfather gifted them on THEIR wedding as cousin's hubby earns very little in his job which barely covers their expenses. Cousin is upset- how to handle?
And thank you for the useful advice above, I will relay this to her.
If her grandfather had only gifted this money to him, then it's exclusively his right to do whatever he wishes with that money. But it was gifted to both of them, so he should have consideration for his wife's wishes. She can attempt to gently explain to him that since her grandfather gifted the money for BOTH of them, that they should split it in half. And he can use his half for his sister's wedding which will be about 7-some thousand dollars and if he wants to give his sister $10,000 then he can add the 3,000 from his own income. If he says that he can't afford 3000 from his own money, then she can suggest that the money be spaced out...that it doesn't have to be given as a lump sum all at once. It would be really big of her to forego the 3,000 as well and may Allah reward her for such generosity if she chooses that route, but if she wants to split it in half I think it's still fair and within her right. Hypothetically speaking, if let's say that OP does not work and a sibling of her is getting married, she would rely exclusively on her husband's earnings to give her sister wedding gift/s. That's another angle to look at it from. BUT, in this case, is it right for a wife to expect that 10,000 be given for her own siblings as well or is that not necessary? I dunno. Yikes, the tricky parts of marriage and how to go about them in a way that maintains your own dignity and without losing respect and trust in your spouse. :\
As for her in-laws complaints....the thing is that some people (not all) develop an attitude of self-entitlement when others go above and beyond in spoiling them; this can make them unappreciative. So, the gift-giver has to factor in this possibility before giving gifts. Generosity can also lead to people becoming more aware of their own financial limitations and this can cause them to become insecure. I think that's why your cousin's in-laws lied that her family only gave 1 lakh rupees instead of two. I could be wrong, but my guess is that it was their attempt to save face or to show others that the "larkiwalay" cannot afford "more" than us. And if I am right, then their complaints and lies stem from insecurity.
If they didn't think this guy could stand on his own two feet, why did they marry off their daughter in the first place to him?
Her family got them used to this endless cash flow and now they're complaining? WHY?
I realize that humaray maashray mein dikhava jo zyada karta hai uski izzat zyada hoti hai...or so people think.
Lekin here is a prime example of how this dikhava ends up biting you in the behind.
Kitni izzat mili? Did your cousin get an ounce of respect for the amount of money they spent? It doesn't seem like it if dude wants to give a wedding present of 10,000 to his sister that his wife's family gave.
There's no solution to this...be prepared for more of this.
^True. To an extent the cousin'f family is at fault, but the guy's parents are not devoid of aqal and a conscience; they choose to ignore these things. The ziyadati imo is still greater on the guy's side based on OP's account.
To provide some more context...guy's family is extremely rich back home. I guess it's true what my mom often says that the richer family one marries into, the higher the expectations are. Which certainly seems to be the case for my cousin. And my cousin INSISTED on the marriage- it was a 100% love marriage. As for the 15k which my cousin's grandfather gave the couple on the wedding- he specified that this was to help them with buying their house. Although of course I understand that when one gives a gift, one cannot dictate how it should be used but of course that's what my cousin wants.
^True. To an extent the cousin'f family is at fault, but the guy's parents are not devoid of aqal and a conscience; they choose to ignore these things. The ziyadati imo is still greater on the guy's side based on OP's account.
RV -
If you cripple a man and then get upset when he refuses to walk on his own - who's fault is it?
He isn't doing zyadti...he's walking the path shown to him by the cousin's family. Ke har tarha ki badtameezi bardasht karne ke liye hum haazir hein.
My point is simply that the solution to this problem is none.
Either the cousin gets used to it OR stop feeding these people once and for all.
To provide some more context...guy's family is extremely rich back home. I guess it's true what my mom often says that the richer family one marries into, the higher the expectations are. Which certainly seems to be the case for my cousin. And my cousin INSISTED on the marriage- it was a 100% love marriage. As for the 15k which my cousin's grandfather gave the couple on the wedding- he specified that this was to help them with buying their house. Although of course I understand that when one gives a gift, one cannot dictate how it should be used but of course that's what my cousin wants.
If that is true...that they're very rich, grandpa would have felt no need to gift them $15K.
If you cripple a man and then get upset when he refuses to walk on his own - who's fault is it?
He isn't doing zyadti...he's walking the path shown to him by the cousin's family. Ke har tarha ki badtameezi bardasht karne ke liye hum haazir hein.
My point is simply that the solution to this problem is none.
Either the cousin gets used to it OR stop feeding these people once and for all.
If you read my last response to OP, I did mention that the gift-givers are partly responsible. I agree with you in that the girl's family are at fault to an extent, but I don't think it's all their fault. The reason being that we all have been confronted with various paths or options, some of which are more morally sound than others....and not all of us pick the easier, but more unethical way out. We have the ability to think, to reason, and this guy is no doodh peeta bacha. Even a child knows that "2 for you and 5 for me" is playing unfair. Granted we have only one side of the story, but I don't see obtuseness or cluelessness in the actions of the guy's family. There's chalaki, they know what they're doing...so time for OP to wise up. And I have personally seen weddings where the parents of the bride were generous with gifts for the groom and in-laws....but the groom MashaAllah had his pride and did not take advantage of their generosity. So, this reinforces what I said earlier that although a certain path might be shown...not everyone opts to take the crooked path. But it's good that u shed more light on the error that the cousin's family made...it will serve, inshaAllah, as a precautionary lesson for the future. I hope OP is able to resolve matters without straining the marriage.
If that is true...that they're very rich, grandpa would have felt no need to gift them $15K.
Why not? I don't believe there is a rule saying that if a girl is marrying into a rich family that her OWN family cannot gift her whatever large amounts/gift they want.
To provide some more context...guy's family is extremely rich back home. I guess it's true what my mom often says that the richer family one marries into, the higher the expectations are. Which certainly seems to be the case for my cousin. And my cousin INSISTED on the marriage- it was a 100% love marriage. As for the 15k which my cousin's grandfather gave the couple on the wedding- he specified that this was to help them with buying their house. Although of course I understand that when one gives a gift, one cannot dictate how it should be used but of course that's what my cousin wants.
Where has the love gone now????
The money given by the grandfather was for help in buying a house so that's what it should be used for. He was trying to help the couple set up. If he wants to give his sister money or a gift he should do it with his own money and within his own means. Not with the given money. This guy has really enraged me!!! Love marriage my foot!!!!
Really, all this gift giving n rasams do come back n bite you.
The OP has clearly shown this behavior as pattern behavior even before the wedding.
The guy's side IS behaving unfairly - but they have always behaved that way. If you willingly embrace them - who's the one to blame?
I see what you're saying but, really, what's the alternative? That she walk away from the marriage after 1 month due to her in law's behaviour and her husband's inability to hold them accountable for it? I think it would take a very brave woman to do that.
^Hmm, well it seems mil and sils played games before the wedding and husband is only now starting to create trouble. Relations between two families were good during the engagement period up until mehndi and shadi...and that when funny business started. So it's possible she didn't see strong signs of trouble until the wedding day arrived....and it then got progressively worse post-shadi. You may be right Reha. Perhaps Op's cousin saw red flags during the engagement period but hasn't said anything about it. If there were no concerns during that time, then there was no pre-established pattern of behavior. You may be right, let's see what OP has to say. Perhaps she'll provide more info about the engagement period.
Why not? I don't believe there is a rule saying that if a girl is marrying into a rich family that her OWN family cannot gift her whatever large amounts/gift they want.
But she does have a point and I brought that up as well. There is no rule but that doesn't mean you don't exercise caution. You go to a dawat and a generous feast is laid out before you. There is no rule as to how much food you can put in your plate, but it still behooves you to have courtesy for others and thus exercise some restraint. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why it's emphasized to do marriage with simplicity as it leads to competition and the development of insecurities.