Re: cousin marriages......
there is no point of u even getting engaged to him then! cos u will be on the luk out or others
Re: cousin marriages......
I say, stop thinking about all this. There's no use breaking your head over it, since you're only 18 and not planning to get married for the next couple of years. First thing you got to do is find out what you really want in your life. Because marriage is not about fairytales. And just as some other guppies pointed out, you're keeping him as a 'back-up'. Imagine him doing the same thing to you? Maybe he's also keeping his eye open to other potential wives as well... At this stage you're both not serious enough.
I'm sorry if i sound harsh or whatsoever, but this is my opinion.
:)
Re: cousin marriages......
i think your father is wise in not leting you commint to any guy until the 2nd year of your uni life
Re: cousin marriages......
I think you are too young to be married.. As Sara said, enjoy your life. You are going to uni soon, pretty sure you'll end up finding someone you like.
I have an aunt who has already fixed my cousins (She's only 13 right now) rishta with her sisters son. I don't think that kind of trend should no longer be followed as everything is changing. Who knows what she will want when she grows up. (BTW, I am also from chakwal.)
Mine waited 9 years 
I think you're trying to make your feelings conform to your Nana's expectations out of your love for him, but your mind is telling you otherwise. Stop trying to make an emotional connection to override the truth of what your logical side is telling you. He is not going anywhere, so relax with the romance stuff and concentrate on your own life. Kindly tell him that you're not ready, and you don't want to tie him down, and you don't have any animosity towards him, just the timing is wrong. You're only 18, don't rush.
Re: cousin marriages......
Sounds like your main concern about the possibility of marrying this guy isn't that he's your cousin but more than he's from pak.
Re: cousin marriages......
Does this boy actually know that he's actually a BACK UP, or does he think he is formally betrothed to u?
If u r actually engaged to eachother, its not fair or right to check out other people. As u r young and will b in a position to meet other eligibles, u shold let him know this. For example, u could say,
"Dear cousin, i feel i am too young to decide if i want to marry you, so u should know that i may b looking at others whilst bearing u in mind as a potential partner. It is only fair that u do the same. Aaghe kismat ke baat hai."
I personally am against cousin marriages, however:
[quote]
Umm well but then again see truthfully even though you think you like him now it is always best to marry someone of the same mentality level as yours. you have lived all your life outside and your ways of thinking and everything is different and will be more different once you get married to him. he is from a village no matter how good you think he is his mentality level is totally different plus do you think he will allow for you to work after getting married? have you ever thought about if he wants 4 or 5 kids and you only want 1 or 2? .... because from where he is coming from having a lot of kids is good but your mentality would say that yaar too many kids will be a headache i only want 1 or 2 and then you will disagree with him on this and this will cause rifts etc between you twoo .. but if you think all this and more is alright to you and you will be able to adjust and handle it then by all means do what you think is right... or by marrying him you are thinking ur doing the right thing
[/quote]
There are a lot of generalisations in the above paragraph.
Firstly, village people don't necessarily have lower mentalities than urbanites.
I would suggest the thread-opener evaluate this claim carefully. Your cousin is doing a Bachelors - he's obviously going to be educated when he comes outside the other end. It's unfair to label someone as narrow-minded and masochist just because of their background.
I speak from personal experience. zalamilk you've said that he doesn't expect you to cook and be a traditional housewife. I doubt he'd stop you from working.
Moreoever, a disagreement in the number of future children can arise between any two partners - it is again unfair to suggest that a person from a village would necessarily want more. Again, a generalisation.
Your cousin seems to be infatuated with you.
Take a number of factors into account:
1) Obviously there are differences. Do you believe these differences can be resolved?
2) Can you see yourself living with him?
3) Are his morals, his* deen *and personality good? If so, everything else can be sorted by compromising.
4) Your elders obviously favour this match. That should be a consideration. They have more experience than you.
If there is the slightest doubt on your part as regards to whether this marriage can happen or not, then be very sincere and honest with him. Tell him you're too young to decide this now, and that the matter must be left until a few years. Better let him gently know now that it may not happen rather than keeping him waiting a few years :)
Moreoever, it is** unfair** to be keeping your eye open for somene who "tickles your fancy" (how silly to write this) whilst keeping him waiting. This is morally wrong - it is disloyalty at a most basic level. You shouldn't do this.
Either commit to him, or tell him that you'll decide in a few years. Don't keep it hanging, 50/50, "I'm really starting to develop feelings for him... I don't know what to do... We text and stuff... etc etc etc" stuff like this leads to broken hearts.
I hope that helps. And as someone said, you are only 18 so enjoy life for the moment.
Lastly, ask help from Him from whom all mercy and forgiveness originate :)
Re: cousin marriages......
I think forcing your children to marry within the family for your own personal benefit is wrong. From what I understand (please correct me if I'm wrong) in Islam marriage within the family is ok, but is more of a last resort type of thing. It shouldn't be done with the intention of keeping the money within the family, Or creating ideas of marriage with a cousin in your child's head in order to distract them especially if they are already interested in someone. Nowadays women will do anything to stop their son's from getting married. Sadly they have no problem playing mind games with their own, but that is a topic for another thread. Now back to your question I don't think there is anything wrong with marrying anyone that you fall in love with, as long as they are of the opposite sex, and same religion, ect. Being a cousin shouldn't really matter. Think about it this way you will have to spend the rest of your life with your spouse. Choose who you think is best for you, don't worry about what people say. People that like to talk are going to find a reason to talk no matter what, so do what is best for you.
Re: cousin marriages......
i dont want to be mean or anything but i think one reason he might show alot of affection is because he could then get a green card out of you. if you marry him now everything will be good for a while and then the cultural differences are gonna come up.i have seen it happened so many times. the guy just ends up getting narrow minded and he'll start ruling you around. he'll tell you what to wear and who can be your friend and stuff. i think you should marry somebody who has also lived outside the country or atleast who lives in the city so your mentality will match.
Re: cousin marriages......
my folks have never been comfortbale with the idea of marrying their children within the family circle so to speak, even thou they did. Not sure why, but i guess its down to blood fights, etc... etc... that eventually rears its ugly head.
my folks have never been comfortbale with the idea of marrying their children within the family circle so to speak, even thou they did. Not sure why, but i guess its down to blood fights, etc... etc... that eventually rears its ugly head.
same here orpheus, a lot of family has but my parents are against it. they say they dont want us to deal with thaanay and stuff that happen. like random stuff gets brought up when you're like arguing w/ your husband. and yeah the blood fights.
don't want to sound ignorant but ur really immature...
actually i thinking the opposite. She sounds a lot maturer than some other posters in this thread... she's actually thinking about the consequences..
I personally am against cousin marriages, however:
There are a lot of generalisations in the above paragraph.
Firstly, village people don't necessarily have lower mentalities than urbanites.
I would suggest the thread-opener evaluate this claim carefully. Your cousin is doing a Bachelors - he's obviously going to be educated when he comes outside the other end. It's unfair to label someone as narrow-minded and masochist just because of their background.
I speak from personal experience. zalamilk you've said that he doesn't expect you to cook and be a traditional housewife. I doubt he'd stop you from working.
Moreoever, a disagreement in the number of future children can arise between any two partners - it is again unfair to suggest that a person from a village would necessarily want more. Again, a generalisation.
Your cousin seems to be infatuated with you.
Take a number of factors into account:
1) Obviously there are differences. Do you believe these differences can be resolved?
2) Can you see yourself living with him?
3) Are his morals, his* deen *and personality good? If so, everything else can be sorted by compromising.
4) Your elders obviously favour this match. That should be a consideration. They have more experience than you.
If there is the slightest doubt on your part as regards to whether this marriage can happen or not, then be very sincere and honest with him. Tell him you're too young to decide this now, and that the matter must be left until a few years. Better let him gently know now that it may not happen rather than keeping him waiting a few years :)
Moreoever, it is** unfair** to be keeping your eye open for somene who "tickles your fancy" (how silly to write this) whilst keeping him waiting. This is morally wrong - it is disloyalty at a most basic level. You shouldn't do this.
Either commit to him, or tell him that you'll decide in a few years. Don't keep it hanging, 50/50, "I'm really starting to develop feelings for him... I don't know what to do... We text and stuff... etc etc etc" stuff like this leads to broken hearts.
I hope that helps. And as someone said, you are only 18 so enjoy life for the moment.
Lastly, ask help from Him from whom all mercy and forgiveness originate :)
you make so much sense... and ahve really helped clear things up with me.
I think that he is good for me - and it is not fair for me to make generalizations and to say what he can or cannot do.
I talked to him about how i felt. I told him that I liked him - but it was way to soon for me to make a decision, and he understands it completely :)
thanks for the great advice!
Re: cousin marriages......
No problem zalamilk ** **:)
hey zala malilk great 2 c a fellow glaswegianon this forum!! i see uve just gotten back 4rm pak a week ago, me 2:D
anyhow i think u r quite young to b making decicions at this point and time abt this matter, but i can c where u r coming 4rm,
Frankly tasavur bhai has hit the nail in the head with everything he has said!!! :D
I dont have anything 2 add to this, cos i am against cousin marriages, just dnt agree with them, but every1 is different
Gud luck with everything!! :)
Re: cousin marriages......
the only thing i would tell u don,t worry about where he lives. what is important is that is he a nice person and do u think u can spend your life with him. u have to ask this question to your self and make a decision