Cousin marriages - ghar ki murghi??

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Cousin marriages - ghar ki murghi??

We live too much according to our society with boundaries defined by societies upon us. We have forgot what we are.

Its not a religious debate but few days back someone said .. "our religion is dependent on society rather society should have been dependent on religion". same is the case here :)

I wonder, what these people (who think too much according to society) would do if those society or non-desi ppl starts calling their parents FOB. Would they think to leave their parents?

On separate Note: I would really suggest that she should try to make her hubby realize the facts of fob and try to change him without hurting his self respect. Perhaps, this would be the only way that she would feel okay with him while she is introducing her to her society :)

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Ok so am I missing something??? Where does the OP ever state that she didn't like him for the fact that he is a fob or she doesn't want to introduce him to people because he is a fob????

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exactly. i keep saying this but people here have a hard time with reading and comprehension and therefore miss the jist of most posts.

marrying a cousin, in the UK at least, is not illegal and therefore not considered incest. the heredity diseases thing is also largely a red herring. but despite both these things the attitudes of non muslims towards it are incredibly negative and bigoted. non desi's think i'm a coconut so that it's okay to tell me their true feelings in regards to our culture and religion, especially in regards to this topic; it's shocking, and full of disinformation (like some of the opinions in this thread).

i had a hard enough time just convincing people i work with and even some friends that marrying a guy from pakistan was 100% my choice and that he was the right one for me. given their assessment of the kind of person i was, they thought it must have had some element of being arranged or that i was conforming to what my family wanted. it's like 'hello? do you see me being a pushover? so why is it so hard for you to comprehend that this was my own decision?'.

so i can understand where the OP is coming from. on one hand why should she have to hide this but on the other hand she shouldn't have to deal with the judgemental attitudes and having to convince people that she didn't have a forced cousin marriage, which is exactly what they will assume.

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Hey Anokhi,

If you didn't like ghar ki murghi, you could have opted for bahar ka korma. What I'm trying to say is that a marriage would not have been valid without your consent regardless of parental pressure. You didn't have to marry him, you could have picked someone outside the family. And I'm sure that you already know this.

Sometimes I don't like to get into a halal foods discussion with someone from a different culture/religion. I just say that I prefer vegetables......which is kind of true (not a big meat eater anyways). It's not that I'm ashamed but more that I don't have the energy to answer the slew of questions that may come. Sometimes I do have the energy.....but not always.

^You can give a vague answer, Anokhi. If someone asks where you met your husband, just say "Oh we met while I was vacationing in Pakistan. Got to talking. Found each other compatible. And boom....we got married."

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Or say that he was a **"family friend".....LOL.......that wouldn't be considered lying. People don't have to know all the teeny tiny details of your personal life. Even for desis who didn't marry their cousin, they still might find it a bit tough to explain the concept of arranged marriage to a westerner. Once again, people don't have to know everything.

******** **You have **two **options here: Either stick to broad/vague answers with little detail....OR....have the courage to tell them the truth and discuss the topic of cousin marriages intelligently and support it with facts. Pick either one.

******** **Regardless of what method you use in dealing with people, I hope that you feel secure about your marriage and your husband. If marrying a cousin was soooooooooooooooooooooooo ABOMINABLE..........Allah wouldn't have allowed it. Many celebrities such as popular president Franklin D Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, and Edgar Allen Poe were married to their cousins. Many of the states (not all) allow cousin marriages. Marrying your cousin is considered ordinary/normal in many cultures (apart from desi culture) around the world. I remember one of my sixth grade teachers (an American gori) openly told us that her husband was her first cousin. It's no big deal. Cultures vary to the point that it can be hard to say what is right and what isn't. And an opinion is just an opinion and it shouldn't rule your life. To one person, cousin marriages might be icky but gay marriages are totally okay.......and vice versa. If you're going to become insecure about what others think and live your life according to others' expectations...........you'd be living their life and not your. N life is to short for that.

******* If you didn't want to marry a FOB, then you shouldn't have. It's not your husband's fault that he was born and raised in Pak and not in the same country as you. It wasn't in his control. If you had to go settle in another country........YOU.......would be a FOB as well. You'd have to learn the language and culture and try to fit in, which is challenging. If you were to go to Pakistan, some people there might consider you a FOB because you'd struggle with assimilating to a culture and environment that they're sooo used to. When the tables turn, all of us can be FOBS. It's hard enough for a person to adjust to a new country and having a partner that may feel a bit self-conscious about you can make it tougher.

^Marrying someone from your same country wouldn't necessarily have guaranteed a perfect relationship or successful marriage. You married your him, focus on him an an individual instead of the cousin label.

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Re: Cousin marriages - ghar ki murghi??

if i were in your position, i'd do the same- hide the fact that he's my cousin. part of the reason is that people get weirded out, think that you're a freak. it doesn't matter if you tell them that cousin marriages are allowed in lots of religions, including their own, they'll still raise their eyebrows. tell yourself that your spouse is your husband who by chance happens to be a cousin that way you give greater emphasis to the fact that he is your husband, it's a stronger bond than being cousins. If he's a fob, then why make it seem even more awkward or unaccepted that he's your cousin? No need to explain to anyone.

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Since when do Amish people live in an Islamic country. Oh wait, is the USA islamic now? :eek:

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Re: Cousin marriages - ghar ki murghi??

^You, reread my post.

All of you bashing me for what I said, ever heard of inbreeding depression? I thought so.. Go do a quick search on google and you will see the long term effects of cousin marriages on children. It's not like all your kids will be retarded, but they will all likely to have similar recessive traits which puts them at higher risks of getting the disease than those who continue to reproduce outside of family relatives.

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I see you got rid off your avatar, good. What does sleeping around have anything to do with marrying your cousin? Most Goray I know do not sleep around. Now what should we call you for making a sweeping statement like that? They are ignorant, but how are you so different?

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i second every single word that you wrote .. :thumbsup:

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Very good post! I agree with everything you have said. What amuses me to no end is that people who find cousin marriages distasteful forget how harmful gay marriages can be to health. That's a double standard right there. I am glad you brought up that point, that could be a good counter argument.

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You were judging me by my avatar. How are you so different?

Most gorays you know do not sleep around and most Musilms I know don't marry their cousins. But it's a fact that sleeping around is acceptable in the gora culture and cousin marriages are acceptable with Muslims.

See where I'm going with this?

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What Chilly said :k: Khallas.

PS: Can u see desis here criticizing the OP for marrying her cousin??? I already see a hot debate going on about incest… then can u imagine the sort of things that (some) goras will think or say to the OP for marrying her cousin?? If this is the attitude that even some desis have towards this???

Nevertheless… I wish u a happy married life… cherish every moment with ur husband… death is an unfortunate reality, you wouldn’t wanna be regretting anything once he is gone… give him all ur love while u can… what ur worried about are not even real issues… so stop worrying, smile and move on.

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I didn't judge you by your avatar, I brought up a valid concern. :p

I agree with the rest. I do see where you are going with this. No culture is perfect indeed... but we should admit when something poses problems (such as cousin marriages or sleeping around) instead of finding excuses. That's all I am saying; both are bad cultural practices in my opinion.

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Well then that's decided, you're part of the 3rd group who don't accept any of the two. :D I don't agree with you but I respect you for that.

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[quote=“nadz123, post:18, topic:217264”]

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Although British Pakistanis account for three per cent of the births in this country, they are responsible for 33 per cent of the 15 to 20,000 children born each year with genetic defects.
Source: Baroness Deech: Rise in marriages between cousins putting children at risk of birth defect | Mail Online

I don’t have a problem with cousin marriages done now and again and when both partners agree to it but carrying it on generation after generation and not wanting/letting the kids marry outside the family obviously leads to problems..

Some people say because it’s been made halal there can never be any problem. Of course Islam permits it but that doesn’t mean we should carry it on every generation, meat has also been made halal but too much of it also leads to obesity, diabetes, high cholesterol etc., too much of anything tends to lead to problems..

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[quote=“Deeba1234, post:8, topic:217454”]

Agree. According to medical science there is only a slight risk for birth defects in related couples as opposed to non-related couples. But…if cousin marriages take place in each and every generation, it does elevate the risk.

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[quote=“Deeba1234, post:8, topic:217454”]

Thank you!

It’s called Inbreeding depression..

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Re: Cousin marriages - ghar ki murghi??

Regardless of whether cousin marriage is right or wrong, I see no reason to have this debate with every single person you meet. No one needs to know your life story. He is your husband, he is from back home, end of discussion. Next.

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I would just say it like its normal and then wait for their reaction.

You have to realize one thing...what-to-do and what-not-to-do is set by society and society is made up of people like you and I. If you wear bell bottoms with confidence, no one will question you. I once worked with a woman who wore BRIGHT YELLOW BOOTIES and because she loved them...so did everyone else. And even though I thought they were positively hideous, I found myself trying to find something to like about them.

Its an over simplified example Im giving to illustrate my point. Islam allows cousin marriages and thats the bottom line. Your job is to make sure you understand the reasoning behind it and present it in a way where people get it. You should NOT hide it. That means you're ashamed...you're not ashamed...right? You love your husband? You want to be happy with him...make sure you're ready for blows like these from non-muslims. Besides, these people are only in your life for as long as you have this job...he is your husband for life...Inshallah.

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Re: Cousin marriages - ghar ki murghi??

Keep the FOB locked in a closet.