Hey Anokhi,
If you didn’t like ghar ki murghi, you could have opted for bahar ka korma. What I’m trying to say is that a marriage would not have been valid without your consent regardless of parental pressure. You didn’t have to marry him, you could have picked someone outside the family. And I’m sure that you already know this.
Sometimes I don’t like to get into a halal foods discussion with someone from a different culture/religion. I just say that I prefer vegetables…which is kind of true (not a big meat eater anyways). It’s not that I’m ashamed but more that I don’t have the energy to answer the slew of questions that may come. Sometimes I do have the energy…but not always.
^You can give a vague answer, Anokhi. If someone asks where you met your husband, just say **“Oh we met while I was vacationing in Pakistan. Got to talking. Found each other compatible. And boom…we got married.” **
Or say that he was a “family friend” …LOL…that wouldn’t be considered lying. People don’t have to know all the teeny tiny details of your personal life. Even for desis who didn’t marry their cousin, they still might find it a bit tough to explain the concept of arranged marriage to a westerner. Once again, people don’t have to know everything.
******** **You have **two **options here: Either stick to broad/vague answers with little detail…OR…have the courage to tell them the truth and discuss the topic of cousin marriages intelligently and support it with facts. Pick either one.
******** **Regardless of what method you use in dealing with people, I hope that you feel secure about your marriage and your husband. If marrying a cousin was soooooooooooooooooooooooo ABOMINABLE…Allah wouldn’t have allowed it. Many celebrities such as popular president Franklin D Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, and Edgar Allen Poe were married to their cousins. Many of the states (not all) allow cousin marriages. Marrying your cousin is considered ordinary/normal in many cultures (apart from desi culture) around the world. I remember one of my sixth grade teachers (an American gori) openly told us that her husband was her first cousin. It’s no big deal. Cultures vary to the point that it can be hard to say what is right and what isn’t. And an opinion is just an opinion and it shouldn’t rule your life. To one person, cousin marriages might be icky but gay marriages are totally okay…and vice versa. If you’re going to become insecure about what others think and live your life according to others’ expectations…you’d be living their life and not your. N life is to short for that.
******* If you didn’t want to marry a FOB, then you shouldn’t have. It’s not your husband’s fault that he was born and raised in Pak and not in the same country as you. It wasn’t in his control. If you had to go settle in another country…YOU…would be a FOB as well. You’d have to learn the language and culture and try to fit in, which is challenging. If you were to go to Pakistan, some people there might consider you a FOB because you’d struggle with assimilating to a culture and environment that they’re sooo used to. When the tables turn, all of us can be FOBS. It’s hard enough for a person to adjust to a new country and having a partner that may feel a bit self-conscious about you can make it tougher.
^Marrying someone from your same country wouldn’t necessarily have guaranteed a perfect relationship or successful marriage. You married your him, focus on him an an individual instead of the cousin label.
Very good post! I agree with everything you have said. What amuses me to no end is that people who find cousin marriages distasteful forget how harmful gay marriages can be to health. That’s a double standard right there. I am glad you brought up that point, that could be a good counter argument.