couples and sharing of duties-- a deeper dive and analysis

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Madhanee, when did I say women should or shouldnt work? All I said was I don't want to work. because being there for my kids and doing stuff for them and for my husband is more important for me. As for family values, yeah I do think a family where the woman is home and the man is working has more family values. This is such a truism that im not even gonna waste breath on it. And those women in Sub saharan Africa youre talking about, but dont they have their kids with them? women have always stayed with the kids until recently.

Fraudia, I guess thats where the timings come in huh? You can learn stuff at home too and as for volunteering or something, whenever I did it, it was for a few hours at a time, not workday hours. And when you have kids, you can take them to your activities and to wherever youre going like say book club or whatever. You cant take kids to your work can you? And if you do, theyre sitting in the office daycare being taken care of by strangers. NO THANKS.

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Madhanee what a cheap shot. Instead of dissing my views you diss me wah wah.

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Sarah, don't worry. He is confused. He is trying to reply to my posts in the other thread and has it all mixed up. He is calling me Sarah.

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Madhanee: *
Sarah, do you plan to keep your kids with you until they get married and find another mom? What you are saying it that you are a lazy bum and using that as an excuse. So long as it works for you. But trust me, mama’s boys don’t get very far in their lives.

And btw, Dads should also think of taking paternity leave to help raise kids.
[/QUOTE]

What would one rather have ? good families instilled in their kids by stay at home mom's ? which is perfectly fine for most decent guys, or kids growing up without too much parental supervision ? We can all see the effects it has had on the western society.

There's nothing wrong with the wife if she stays at home and takes care of the kids. Most muslims are pretty comfortable with that too because thats the values islam instills.

But ultimately even if we put religion aside, whats wrong with the woman trying to raise a good family by staying at home ? Not equal enough for you ? But who says the sexes are created the same. They both have very different roles in life which is pretty evident to all but the most sadistic feminist.

Next time you wanna argue, try not to resort to badmouthing others because that leaves your arguments pretty shallow and tasteless.

25

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Sarah Splendor: *
Fraudia, I guess thats where the timings come in huh? You can learn stuff at home too and as for volunteering or something, whenever I did it, it was for a few hours at a time, not workday hours. And when you have kids, you can take them to your activities and to wherever youre going like say book club or whatever. You cant take kids to your work can you? And if you do, theyre sitting in the office daycare being taken care of by strangers. NO THANKS.
[/QUOTE]

Okay..so what you are saying is that women who dont work..even if they are involved in other activities dont spend like 50-60 hours a week doing that..right? so few hours at a time, and not work day hours. good, we agree.

as far as the whole topic of day care goes, it is up to parents. because if 2 parents can work and save up more for the kids education..it is in the kids interest too. but the home care vs day care issue is completely diff, someone had opened a thread up about it which we can bring back and siscuss it there, here the topic is about division of chores.

and my point is, then these ladies should use those other hours that they have to do the dang housework. Their hobbies or activities should come after their obligations to the family. if it takes them 4 hrs a day to take care of the house then that 4 hours should be spent on the house and the other 4 at their discretion.

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maniac, i think the home care vs day acre discussion belongs somewhere else, we are going on a tangent here.

if u like i can bring up a thread on that topic which we were discussing some time back.

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Fraudz: *
maniac, i think the home care vs day acre discussion belongs somewhere else, we are going on a tangent here.

if u like i can bring up a thread on that topic which we were discussing some time back.
[/QUOTE]

sorry for going on a tangent , i just dont like it when someone barges in here like an ass and slams someone outta the blue.

The 'your views stink' argument isnt exactly an argument and should belong only in cafe....

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Maniac, yeah we must beat madhanee with old peshawari chappals for his lack of etiquettes. anyways a thread is open titled depression in children for this discussion about day care vs home care

29

I think the main issue is that a married couple agree to the type of lifestyle they want. Some of the posters on this thread seem to want a career-intent wife, so fine marry that type. Others want a stay-at-home mom which is fine too (actually that's better but thats my opinion!) Just make sure before marriage that both agree on the type of family values and the type of family life you want to have.

I left a 6-figure wall street career behind without thinking twice so that I could be home to raise my kids. Money is nothing compared to being there for my little ones. Who knows what values they'd be taught in Day care? Not to mention the message that their Mom is sending them - "making money is more important to me than you are". Thats how western kids sometimes can get so obsessed with commercialism. The parents with their big careers buy all kinds of expensive things for their kids so the kids have expensive things but no real comfort of a loving mother at home. Its one thing for a family that needs both incomes to make ends meet but if its just a fulfillment thing, then I think its kind of selfishnot to be there for the kids and just buy them off with expensive toys and clothes.

Thats a bit off the topic of the thread so I'll put in my 2 cents about that too. I dont expect my husband to help much around the house, but it certainly is nice when he does. I dont harp at him or complain about how much work there is to do, its my job to get it done. I'm not the best at it but what-the-heck, I have 3 boys under the age of 3 to care for so my house cant look good all the time end of story! And my dear husband is very understanding about it. When I do the food shopping on the weekends, he takes care of all 3 boys and beleive me, he looks forward to my return! Anyway, for those of you who think staying at home with the kids is the "easy life", you need a good reality check! The career I left behind was in trading floor technology - a pretty stressful fast paced job with long hours. Believe me, my life would be less hectic if I went back to work! And being a parent means that there is no vacation time, sick days etc etc. Not that I'm complaining, I love being a mom I just think that some people need a serious dose of reality.

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Originally posted by Mamaof3: *
**Who knows what values they'd be taught in Day care? Not to mention the message that their Mom is sending them - "making money is more important to me than you are". Thats how western kids sometimes can get so obsessed with commercialism. *

I wonder why desis are so much into showing off and conspicous consumption a la 80's even though majority were raised by their mothers.

*The career I left behind was in trading floor technology - a pretty stressful fast paced job with long hours. Believe me, my life would be less hectic if I went back to work! And being a parent means that there is no vacation time, sick days etc etc. Not that I'm complaining, I love being a mom I just think that some people need a serious dose of reality. *

My sister took care of 3 kids while being a full time doctor, the kids are all great students, nice polite well mannered kids. As a matter of fact she had it tough because her husband got a residency in a diff city, so for a few years she dealt with all that her self, and he was only home one weekends. My mentor who was a principal at a big-5 conulting company was on the road mon-thu, and his wife, a physician, was also busy as hell..the kids turned out well.

On the other hand, you can see plenty of kids who were raised by their mother who turn out to be complete idiots, and even behave like brats as kids.

The question is overall quality of care. fine someone is a stay at home parent..how good of a parent are they? there is a higher probability of better care at home, but it is not a guarantee, it just gives parents the right set of circumstances and the bond and relationship, how well it is used is then up to the parent. I know of certain parents whose kids were probably better off being sent to day care.

31

Fraudz, your reply was very insightful and I have to agree with you. You're right about quality of care and I do indeed know of some little ones who would be better off in day care than with their stay at home moms. I think that being a parent is the most important job anyone can ever have, some do not see it that way. Having two parents with careers presents a challenge with raising kids, its much more difficult to raise "good" kids - so those who do so successfully have much credit due them. Its just a fact that kids who have a loving parent at home do better in school, are better adjusted and just better kids overall. Of course, there are exceptions but almost invariably, the bullies, the poor students and the troubled kids are from "latchkey" homes. For me personally, I know that I could not be a good professional AND a good Mom. I could be good at one or the other so I made my choice and don't regret it for a second. Thats me personally. Those who can do both and do them well deserve kudos.

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mamaof3

you made your decision and it suots your life, I am in no way critical of your choice.

The point of the post, as you picked up was that the overall quality of care has to be factored in. putting kids on cruise control at home and thinking they are better off is not quality care.

In my own family, I have seen cousion's kids who are not bathed, dressed in clean clothes and just hangign about while the mother is watching tv. sad thing is that she claims she claims she is so busy with kids that she does not have time to do anything else.

anyways..back to sharing of responsibilities part..

33

I am amazed at some of the replies. People still think women are meant to breed babies, look after them, take care of the family members and maybe come and post on gs. Uff!

Well, as far as sharing household chores is concerned, If I am working I want an equal distribution of the responsiblities. It is fair this way. Both work outside of home and both do the equal amount at home too.

Maybe when a kid is involved, the mom will have a greater chunk of load, but still the load can be shifted towards the hubby to make it even. Like if the hubby isn't into changing diapers etc, he should start doing some more household chores which were previously assigned to the wife.

Just coz he is a MAN.. doesn't mean he will sit on his arse and watch NFL, NBA, NHL..etc all day after work and wife will slog her behind in the kitchen after she gets back from her job..HELL NO! Everything has to be shared equally.

As I don't plan being on a housewife, I don't find it necessary to post my point of view regarding that scenario.

34

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Mamaof3: *
I have 3 boys under the age of 3 to care for so my house cant look good all the time end of story!

[/QUOTE]
\

Wow girl..and you have time to post?

Good points Mamaof3

35

well, thats 2 people now who mentioned my time to post on GS! Well, whip me with a wet noodle! I do get a little bit of "sanity time" and I do enjoy GS so thats sometimes where my sanity time is spent...not that I'm here alot but I get half an hour to an hour a day for "selfish" time. Its really a necessary thing when you spend all day every day with little ones and no other adult contact. I have no time to have friends or to socialize not that I'm complaining but having GS to socialize a little is a very nice thing for me and I think a necessary break for any parent. Sometimes I choose other activities for myself, a manicure or a nap maybe but I do enjoy coming here so well thats my "free" time. As far as the "assbackward" point of view comment, guys should feel free to be the one at home with the babies but most choose not to. My husband enjoys his work, he also enjoys his babies but would enjoy them less if he were home with them all day while I worked. Being the stay at home parent is not what most guys are TYPICALLY into, but if thats your thing then good for you. WOmen TYPICALLY want to be the nurturer of little ones and again, if thats not your thing then go to work! Chandbeti, all I have to say is YES! Women ARE meant to "breed" babies and look after them, its just a fact of biology since the dawn of time! Its in your genes, its in nature for human and animal. If you personally lack that interest, then dont have kids and good for you for taking the option thats good for you.

36

Are guys even good at the sort of multi-tasking being a stay-at-home parents requires. You are doing several things at a time and your mind needs to be everywhere. I have seen my sister go through it so I know. Her husband couldn't ever deal with even half of it on his own.

37

Well I have taken all domestic duties upon myself because ...who else is going to do them? I see it as survival. My husband works as a surgical resident, over 100 hours a week. He usually comes home after 8pm and leaves around 5am. So i don't make breakfast or lunch, just dinner. In terms of laundry and cleaning the apartment i really don't mind. But my main focus is our two year old daughter. She is my first priority and I would never leave her care up to someone else. So since I'm home with her why not clean up a little while I'm here?

My husband will occasionally do some dishes, but it's not like we made a deal to split up our share of work. It's kind of tough to know that when he has a day off, it's really a DAY OFF. And I'm like 24 hours a day on duty, weekends included. But this is life and you do what you have to.

38

To Mr Madhanee, to answer some of the questions you posed...I plan to be a homemaker till the day I die. After the kids are in school, I'll have time for gardening, fancy cooking etc. The more "modern" women will be angry at me, but those are my interests and although I am educated in and good at computer science, my interests are in my home and I am so blessed with a husband who likes it that way. Thats me personally. and Yes, I do indeed prefer a female gyn. - (would YOU want a person of the opposite sex poking around your most private parts???) These women docs made their personal choice to be professionals and good for them for choosing what they want in life - I do not judge anyone else's personal choices.

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and Yes, I do indeed prefer a female gyn. - (would YOU want a person of the opposite sex poking around your most private parts???)

Take a guess mamaof3! Most men would love that! And maddy as you not have realised is mostly man :D

40

whoaa whoaa whoaa...

lets address a few things here

mamaof3 said

*Being the stay at home parent is not what most guys are TYPICALLY into, but if thats your thing then good for you. WOmen TYPICALLY want to be the nurturer of little ones and again, if thats not your thing then go to work! *

Partially isn't it societies expectations? seriously, if men had paid time off to take care of the kids, dont you think they will? as the primary bread winner of the family, I can not afford to even think that I can be a stay at home dad, even for a few months.

Femme Fatale said..

Are guys even good at the sort of multi-tasking being a stay-at-home parents requires. You are doing several things at a time and your mind needs to be everywhere. I have seen my sister go through it so I know. Her husband couldn't ever deal with even half of it on his own

whats this, female chauvanism? guys are not "able" to do this?
whereas a typical desi ganwaar/paindo may lack teh skills or the will to do this, the idea that men can not handle these responsibilities is lame. in US there are men who are stay at home dads.

I recall when i was a kid and my mum was in a bad car accident and was on bed rest, my dad worked 2 jobs, and took care of the whole house..cleaning, cooking, laundry..everything. I was 11 then so I helped as I could and had younger brothers (7 and 5). my sister was not at home due to her studies. Now your sister's husband may typify what some of the spoilt brat type of desi men are liek who cant even iron their own shirts..but those who want to do these things are able to.

saimaNYC said

My husband works as a surgical resident, over 100 hours a week. He usually comes home after 8pm and leaves around 5am. .. It's kind of tough to know that when he has a day off, it's really a DAY OFF. And I'm like 24 hours a day on duty, weekends included. But this is life and you do what you have to.

With all due respect, I dont think your work is as tough as that of a surgical resident working 100 hours a week. You noted that he is home only for 9 hours each day..if he sleeps 7 hours that gives him 2 hours in which he needs to relax, eat, and have some personal life.

it should not be kind of tough to know that when he has a day off its a day off, while you dont get any. 100 hours a week means over 14 hours of work a day over 7 days, if its over 6 days its 16 hors a day. I am sorrry but taking care of a 2 year old is not a round the clock 16 hour job which can be compared to the round teh clock 16 hour work of a medical resident.

Being a stay at home parent may require a lot of hours, but does not have the intensity, yes you are on call 24 hours a day, but its not 24 hours of active work. The day to day tasks are simple and routine (unless a kid gets sick), teh number of people you are dealing with is the same.