Do you think thats a good idea for a girl to convince a guy for marriage even though he said its not possible?
No. You should never “convince” anyone to marry you.
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Why not? Whats wrong in it?
But people can always change their mind. You never know the decision they took right now according to the given circumstances might change in future OR may be by convincing you can show them the other side which they are unable to see on their own.
Stressed,
Such convincing is better restricted to a job interview where your prospective employer is a stranger and therefore needs to hear the ways that you would be of value to them. Your boyfriend, however, is not a stranger. He is someone that you shared an intimate equation with over the past several months/years. He knows your strengths and weaknesses and all the ways that you add value to his life. After all, he chose to invest his time and energy into you and if it was truly genuine on his part and not just a “time-pass” affair, then he should already believe that you would be a good thing for him no matter what challenges/circumstances life might bring.
Your last thread posed the question as to whether family pressure is real. Now you’re asking whether it’s good to convince a guy to marry you. I’m assuming that both threads are connected. It’s unclear whether they are about you or someone you know, but they don’t read like general questions. With that said, there some missing details. For instance, what reasons has the boyfriend cited for the marriage being “impossible”…? Also, who was the first to bring up the topic of marriage? If it was the girl, then perhaps he is not as ready for marriage as she is. Are you 100% certain that he has indeed talked to his parents? There is the possibility that he hasn’t. A guy who tells you it’s impossible without even trying, is someone who is not that serious. And if he HAS talked to his parents and if their objections to the match are flimsy ones and he has surrendered to them, then I wonder how strong of a husband he’d be if he’s already given up.
Has the guy made any effort with his parents since the last time that he told you it was “impossible”…? If not, that’s not a good sign. Did he give you any hope at all the last time that you spoke to him about the matter? Or did he shoot down all your attempts at encouraging him? If it’s the latter, then I doubt he’d be very receptive to your efforts. How has he been acting lately? If he is being distant/cold, that’s not a good sign either.
I haven’t come across many stories of guys having changed their mind after turning a girl down. It’s not impossible, but I do think it’s rare. Guys tend to be more decisive. Women, on the other hand, can be swayed more easily. So, you’ll find more accounts of women having changed their minds about a guy they had formerly refused. He might view your attempts as pleading, as desperation, or even as a nuisance…though he might not express it. Convincing a guy to marry you is essentially like convincing him of your worth. If he does have a change of heart, I think it’s better to let him arrive at that conclusion organically…on his own…and let him reach out to you about it. That keeps your self-respect more intact. He knows how to contact you. In the meantime, you focus on yourself…and think about what steps you need to take for your own emotional well-being. I hope this helped. Best wishes.
Dont do it. Its a waste of time. If a guy is really into you or serious about you he will not need any convincing and he will move mountains to be with you. If parents are the reason, also walk away because its very rare in asian culture for a guy to choose his family over you. I say this from experience & from observing others around me. This will destroy your self-esteem in the long run.
Don’t. Why would anyone want to be a begger for something like marriage? Whoever this person is needs to take an L and move on.
**Well choti Behn on the one hand people say Keep Hope Alive!
but the way you describe the situation it is more like:** **ham hai? mushtāq aur vo be-zār **
yā ilāhī ye mājrā kyā hai 
**seems now the decision is out of your control
our prayers are with you, Allah will provide one better than him!**
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Thanks a lot for your post.
Well he has been apologetic. He said sorry so many times. He promised back then that he will try which according to him he did. Now he says it is impossible because of his family. He is syed so thats an issue too, convincing his mother is difficult on this. All I am trying to do is to convince him to man up & not be a puppet of his family atleast in this matter. He is interested but because of his family he is majboor hence I am trying to convince. Sometimes I think he is just using his family as an excuse to get rid of me.
Sis, whatever the reason is that he is avoiding marriage you should take it and leave it. If he is conveniently using excuses to get rid of you then…get the f*ck outta there. Do you want to run after someone who is doing that? Displaying desperation to a man only makes you an easy target to exploit. If his family really is controlling him, then you still have to get out of there. Getting married to someone whose family doesn’t approve only for “true wuv” is generally marrying into dysfunction. I’m sure the he isn’t the only male on the planet that would want to marry you, so leave him, take time to heal, and move on. None of this BS is ever worth it.
Because if he really wants to be with you he WILL put in the effort. No amount of convincing or strategizing can change things. You always want to be with someone who can stand up for you and if it is difficult now with his family it will only get worse.
You need to trust yourself and let things go. It is hard but with this - one of two things will happen either he will realize he has lost you and will do anything it takes to get you back (because people often react to consequences and realize their worth when they have lost something valuable) or he’ll let you go. Either way you’ll win because even if he leaves then you know he was not the one for you and trust that God will bring you the perfect person.
Also, it becomes difficult to move on if you’re still in touch with him. You can’t have a purely friendship dynamics with him when both of you are on 2 different pages. With that said, I think it’s better if you cut off contact with him completely and just focus on you. Having that time to yourself (without him) will help you see him and the relationship more objectively, and it will help you detach from him and move on more easily if it’s not meant to be. It’s bad enough when a guy doesn’t genuinely value or respect a woman, but it’s much worse when a women doesn’t respect/value herself and is willing to settle for someone who is not that invested in her…and even the guys can sense that. Respect yourself and move forward without him.
This is quite a strong sentence to say. Saying things are a lot easier. You don’t know anyone’s situation, circumstances, what they are going through in life in so many ways & on top of that you expect a practical attitude from them. If a guy asks a girl over & over again, tries to convince her & what not then its normal & his value, self respect everything is intact but when a girl does the same thing then she doesn’t value herself, then people talk about equality. I neither have attitude nor ego & most of all I don’t think anyone should bring ego when in relationship, no matter what relationship is that. Attitude & ego only ruins relationship, wont help them build one. Har cheez ko anaa pe nahi le jaana chahiye. People despised Prophet SAW but did he stop preaching? Did he say I have self respect & from now on I wont preach since no one will listen? Its been a while I am not talking to that guy at all & I wont but just giving an example.
Stressed, we know this is a sensitive time for you and as far as I know, everyone here has been trying to help you in the kindest way possible with what we know of your situation. From what I know of RV, she is only helping you realize that you are enough and there is a special person out there for you who will make things work and with whom Allah will help make things easy for you and your family.
Comparing a rishta scenario to the prophet SAW preaching is very different. The prophet SAW was spreading a message, a set of values and a faith. In the rishta scenario when you convince someone to marry you - you are trying to sell yourself, (a person). As people we are valuable as Allah has made us with special qualities and we need to recognize that and the people who are supposed to be in our lives will do so as well, effortlessly.
Both guys and girls are not seen as confident nor attractive when they try too hard to make someone realize their worth in the rishta scenario. When this happens the power is always in the hands of the other person and those relationships are not as fruitful as ones where both partners are giving in equal proportions and are valued respectively.
At the end of the day we want what’s best for you and try to give the best suggestions but you should trust your gut and do what you feel is right.
You’re right, I don’t know anyone’s situation. But how can we know your situation when for the most part you’ve been pretty vague with your questions? You just recently shared details about your predicament, and that too, only after I asked you a series of questions in an attempt to better help you. I have been through my share of heartache and I have made my fair share of mistakes and the advice that I gave you (about self-respect) is the same advice that I have given myself plenty of times…the same advice that I have even made the mistake of ignoring…and then ended up regretting it later on. Perhaps you think that my advice comes from a place of arrogance or that I intended it in a high and mighty manner. That is not so. It comes from a place of experience and caring.
Ego and self-respect are not the same thing. Ego deals more with a false sense of pride; it is blind to the rights and feelings of others. The example you gave of the Prophet SAWS is not applicable here. Selflessly preaching a message of faith upon Allah’s orders and without desiring any sort of worldly gain is not the same as trying to gain marriage from a guy after he has refused. By your own admission, sometimes you suspect this guy is just using family as an excuse to get rid of you. This means that even you don’t trust him 100%. Let’s suppose that this is indeed the case. That would then make him a liar. Is a liar worth convincing? Conversely, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that he truly did try to convince his parents and that their only point of objection is that you are not a Syed. Being the descendants of the Prophet SAWS is all the more reason for adhering to his sunnah and such an objection is not in keeping with that. If he surrendered to his family this early on in the game, then I question how strong of a husband he will make later on? You say that you have not spoken to him at all for a while now. And if he has also kept a distance from you, then what does that say of his investment? I hope that he is able to convince his parents and I would be very happy for you if he does, but let him do it without any pressure from you. If not, then may you be blessed with someone much better. You are not obligated to follow our suggestions. You know your boyfriend and your relationship better than we do, so do what you feel comfortable with. Whatever the outcome, may Allah make it easy for you; Amin.
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If you think you can persuade him then why not!
When you invest so much emotions, time, energy & effort into someone then you obviously want that thing to work & you will give your 100% to do that. Thats why I said har aik cheez ko anaa ka masla nahi banana chahiye. Now couples who get divorced, it takes just few days to get rid of each other but the relationship they build took years, the kids they raised together took years but just few seconds to destroy that home. If one partner is not in his senses then its other persons job to knock some sense into his head. May be he is going through something in his head which is just " situational" not permanent.
You mention anaa ka masla a lot, so let’s explore this subject.
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You seem to think that ignoring a guy is the only way that anaa/ego can be shown. And you seem to think that by ignoring him, you are depriving him of your love and your encouragement. That is, of course, one way to look at it and this angle does make sense. However, (to play devil’s advocate here) …if he is making an excuse to avoid marrying you because he does not 100% want to…then it’s better to accept his response (even though it hurts)…because trying to convince someone to make a lifelong commitment against their will is not a sign of love. Imposing your desires on someone is also a sign of anaa.
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The 100% investment of emotions/time/energy/effort that you are speaking of also needs to be returned 100% by the other person. If you are 100% dedicated to the notion of spending the rest of your life with him and he only feels 40-60% about it, then trying your hardest to get him on the same page as you might sound romantic but it’s actually emotionally exhausting. Your situation cannot be compared to a married couple on the verge of divorce. You did not live with him under the same roof, you do not have any children with him, a premarital affair does not carry the same gravity or significance as a nikkah contract. The potential losses that you might face are not exactly equivalent to a marriage.
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On one hand I think that it might help if we got input from the male members. But then I think that even that not be enough for you. The question that you have posed in this thread is worded in a neutral way, but your responses have not been neutral. Your seem more inclined toward the idea of persuading this guy and you don’t want to accept any advice that suggests the contrary. Agar koi tumhain manna karay k aisa mat karo…to tum aagay se poochti ho k kyun nahi? Is main kharaabi hi kya hai? In that case…if you have so much faith in your own beliefs…then go and try to convince him then.
You said that you have stopped talking to him for a while now. How long has this period been? And during this period, has he made any attempts to reach out to you (provided you didn’t block him)…? If he has also responded to you with silence, then it’s usually not the most encouraging sign to broach the subject of marriage. You can try to persuade him and if it works in your favor, then great, but understand that you’d be among the minority group of women. The general pattern among guys is that if they are 100% vested in you, then they won’t let you go easily.
^ OMG… No need to get all worked up. Tum ne keh diya aur mene maan liya, happy now???
And if a girl is 100% vested in a guy then?? She wont let him go either but when a girl tries then she doesn’t “value herself” & she doesn’t have “self respect”. So a guy can try with his self respect intact but things turn upside down when a girl tries… hmm okk.
And with marriage example I was talking about how such romantic relationships can be destroyed by just one partner no matter the amount of emotions, time, energy & effort you put in it but you took it to another level.
All I did was explain another angle to you and you equate it to getting worked up? LOL