Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hello I am a convert to Islam living in England. My future mother in law doesn’t like me and she makes it obvious. I don’t know what to do. I’m 23 I’m british n I am we’ll educated, good cook come from a good family who is wealthy I’m very beautiful I don’t see the problem. I studied Islam 3 years and I’m a practicing Muslim . She refuses to acknowledge me even though we announced our engagement please give me advice. She turns her nose up to me and treats me like a bully in high school treats a friend or competition. I am Caucasian I know she wanted a Pakistani girl but I think I am just as good. Can you help me understand this please.

2

I would say focus on building a string relationship with the dude, as far as this lady goes, do what you think is right and how you would expect people to treat you to avoid needless issues. As long as he sees you doing the right things it's all cool. Now if her approach towards you becomes demeaning and abusive then you can distance yourself because no one deserves to be mistreated. What does your fiancé say about this or have you had a chat about it yet? What you two think is the right approach and how aligned you are is more relevant than anything anyone will say here.

3

Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

I guess but I just want advice from people within the culture because my family doesn't get it. He feels his mom is rude and competitive within me. She calls herself his wife etc... He thinks its weird he distances from her then she plays mind games with him like not letting him in the house so he moved out. It puts stress on him and so I keep my mouth shut. It's hard to marry outside ur culture for both of us.

4

She calls himself his wife? Dyamn... You don't need cultural advise from Pakistanis you need nutjob advise from a psychiatrist. The lady is cuckoo.

5

Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

I guess :s I work in mental health how ironic!

6

Your mil is a bag of chex mix with claims like that!! Just work on your marriage and perhaps when she sees that you both make each other happy then she might just come around. All the luck to you.

7

Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

Your future MIL calls herself your future husband’s wife? :confused:

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

You don’t have a pet bunny rabbit, do you? :hmmm:

Jokes aside, you need to realize that she may never like and accept you. And if that’s the case, it’s her cross to bare, not yours. You need to concentrate on building a strong marriage with your fiancé, and let him deal with his mother. Remain polite and cordial, if you greet her nicely and she shuns you, keep calm and soldier on. Don’t have any warm fuzzies or dreams of a lovey dovey relationship with the two of you making rotis together side by side in the kitchen.

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

I think its just something that you just have to live with.

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

Maybe her mom psychologically expects you behave like a desi girl which you aren't.

Or maybe she is upset as she wanted another bride for his son.

in any case you seem to have a communication gap, try improving it.

When you go meet her take some presents ,e.g home cooked food etc.

If you go visit her ,help her in kitchen or house hold for the time you stay.

Ask her for advice , make her feel important.

Call her often

Improve your observation, closely observe what she dislikes or disapproves.

Respect her wishes or at least don't argue even if you don't agree , see people at such age won't change, e.g my dad would say don't go outside home after maghrib , i would say ok dad, but i still go :) while my brother starts argument .
i mean we both brothers go outside at the end but i get to be the obedient son who doesn't say anything at face :)

if nothing works , be prepared to shed some tears in front of her to melt her heart ;) trust me drama works :) just kidding or maybe i am not :)

key is to remain patient and polite.

Congrats on accepting Islam MashaAllah

Best Wishes

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

HIS WIFE? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA :what:

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

Is she his young step-mom (and has a not-so-secret crush on him)? Why does she call herself his wife? That's just strange.

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

I'm going to give you my 2 cents worth from the 'other side of the fence' so to speak. Firstly I'd hate to be the one to bring this up but your above post reads like 'I'm the bees knees what's his Mothers problem'. You say you are well educated, good cook, and come from a good wealthy family. I'm sorry but I don't quite understand how your future MIL would benefit from any of these? It's almost reading like 'she should be grateful for me picking her son'. Usually (in a lot NOT all cases) Desi MILs can get competitive in the DIL department and it gets bitter. One looks for a well educated rich bahu. Then her friend will one to do one better. That's what some women live for. Yes it's sad but it's true. What's worrying about your situ is you come across as more bothered about the fact you say you are a practicing Muslim and just as good as any Pakistani girl yet you are not too concerned about what seems to be a mental health issue of your future MIL? And to top if off you say you WORK in this field. So surely you'd pick up on her mental state rather than making it about 'I'm the outsider and my future MIL doesn't want to deal with me because I ain't Pakistani'. Newsflash: such MILs exist and can create problems for a Pakistani DIL just because she's from the wrong area of Pakistan. I assume you are originally not from the UK-you say Mom whereas us Brits (the majority not influenced by the US English) say Mum.
Just my opinions. My aunt is a Eastern European revert. My Great Aunt was a women of a Gordie background who accepted Islam and then went back to CofE. A lot of desi MILs have reservations; it may not be right but they here horror stories from other MILs about revert DILs. Either you take the advice given by the Guppies on here about making an effort or well you grin and bare it. What I will say is although it's great to have a solid relationship with your future husband; it won't harm your relationship to make an effort with your MIL. Your husband should be aware of your efforts, and support you and then if after all that she doesn't wish to deal with you than so be it. If you don't make an effort at the right time expect to have issues further down the line when kids come along. My Aunt was a practicing Christian when she married my Uncle. They spoke in detail about what she was letting herself in for. My Uncle approached his family and explained that she was a practicing Christian, from Eastern Europe, what her family was like and how he would be raising his children as Muslim and that she would support that should she decide NOT to accept Islam. They got married and after 27 months of marriage and her studying Islam, visiting the family homes, attending a sisters circle ( which btw may be a good thing for you for additional support) she accepted Islam and because of the open communication between ALL the family those who had a problem were pushed to the back and they live happily. Good Luck OP.

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

OP -

You have to make peace with the fact that she may never really like you or accept you.

Resolve to be kind to her but don't expect anything back. Resolve to be a good wife but not the favorite DIL.

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

Please PM me pics and I will confirm to everyone if this is true. :clown:

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

Is there any possibility that your mother-in-law says this jokingly or possibly as an inside joke? Some people have a very odd sense of humour. If not, I'm sorry to say, she sounds like a complete nutter.

17

Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

Oh god, poor girl trying to deal with desis as a desi is the hardest thing in the world, I can only imagine your position. Agreed with most, you don't need to understand why she doesn't like you but just the fact that no matter her behavior, your focus is your marriage. It looks as if her son is already aware of her drama and his own major issues with his own mother so how could his wife be on any better standing right? She's probably one of those possessive mothers that tries to manipulate her son by telling him she should be his end all be all (assuming that's where the wife thing is coming from.) You can never win with stubborn people, clearly she has issues and just leave it to her and her son. Don't feel hurt and just understand not only is she having a hard time with her sons choice of a bride but it probably wouldn't of mattered if you were Pakistani, you would of been treated the same. I don't think it's you and just keep your patience and heart open. A lot easier said than done but consider yourself as in excuse in the crossfire and that you need to maintain a good relationship with his family on your part. :)

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

orly?

kidding.

Moodie Foodie got it right. Chances are your MIL will be like this for a while.

Focus on your relationship and share your concerns with your husband to be. Once your mil sees how happy you make him, she will come around.

Good luck to you.

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

Were you already a convert when you met him or did that happen later?

What was your future MIL like when you first met her?

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Re: Convert and new Pakistani in laws.

If he is Kashmiri/Mirpuri run