So I’ll be soon getting married to a guy. He’s great and everything, and I have no complaints. For lack of a better word he’s a FOB, who right now lives in Pakistan and visits the US for business purposes occasionally…we’re compatible both socially, religiously, and we’re in teh same type of careers (owning resteraunts, and other businesses in the food industry), and his family is great to me. My only issue is is that I’m an ABCD, and thoughtI don’t have issues speaking in urdu with my parents, Im very self concious when speaking in urdu with others…and I really don’t know what to say to people who talk in urdu even when they talk in English…basically, i just shut down in front of him. He’s really understanding of my language barrier issues, and even jokes that he won’t laugh at my crappy urdu.
So when we talk, he’s the one that seems to make most of the effort, which makes me feel really bad, cause he’s a great guy and I love him lots…But I can’t tell him that cause I don’t even know how to say I love you in urdu!!
Anyone else who married a FOB, have had this issue?
Why can't you speak to him in English and he can respond in Urdu? Once each of you is more comfortable, you will automatically start communicating in the other's language.
black forest...okay...that just sounds so loooong and awkward...maybe im just not used to it...sigh....
well i own businesses in the US, and never really had to speak urdu; english does the job just fine...
sheyrish...my mom would say the same thing, it's just that when everyone around you is speaking in urdu, you feel super awkward talking in english...since I see him when I visit him in PK.
So your soon-to-be husband is a FOB and your an ABCD meaning he's more advanced than you because your're still stuck on A B C D... right?
*
FOB - is a degrading term for people not up to date on the culture which is an abbreviation for (Fresh Of the Boat.)
meaning you still carry your sense of fashion from your country which clashes with the current countries cultures.
Origin: Hawaii 60's
Local Hawaiians used it to refer to white people who came from mainland US to Hawaii. Its was used a lot by locals and surfers. it was to refer to white people who wasn't up to date on the culture.
It is now used a lot by Asians to refer to immigrant Asians of the same sense.*
Oh God...since when did forums become all so pollitically correct?
My point was my future hubby is a Pakistani born in PK raised in PK will be moving here soon, and I am pakistani born in the US, raised here marrying a guy that is a Pakistani born in PK raised in PK will be moving here soon...but since I didn't want to write all that out...i got lazy and used acronyms...sorry for offense...
Ruqi, ignore the jabs...usually its just because the word FOB brings about negative feelings for some people.
As for what you said. My only piece of advice to speak in the manner you feel most comfortable in and take it from there. Ive been in the company of people where I was the ONE and ONLY ABCD in the entire social circle and felt very awkward because the people I was around were ver judgemental. I felt bad about it for a while (they made a lot of mean comments about how girls born here are just lost, confused, immoral, etc.) but then got used to it and later realized I am who I am. This is me and if someone doesnt want to be around me just the way I am...well...then they need to find someone else's home to eat at.
Those were just a few acquaintances I was forced to put up with. This is your to-be husband. You dont want to language to be the reason for any discord. People in Pakistan understand English just as well so dont think he wont get you. Start out with the language you feel easy communicating in. Later on, when you are more comfortable with him and the two of you have a casual relationship, you can start to speak to him in Urdu.
One of my BILs is an ABCD also, he is a really nice guy (mA) but his Urdu is not that great. He tries to learn and speak to my parents in Urdu as much as he can. He has an accent so obvious you would have to be deaf not to hear the Angrez in him but the man still plows ahead because his inlaws speak Urdu. I think its a great quality.
I was only carrying on what the other posters were doing. lol
Just be yourself around him, you said he pokes fun of your Urdu speaking skills, I’m sure it’s out of love so be yourself (speak English) and try your best in speaking Urdu. Rest will fall in place.
^Agreed. He's not going to judge you for your speaking skills, he wouldn't be marrying you if the language barrier bothered him so don't let it get to you. The more you speak the more your confidence will rise over time. At least you already know Urdu you just need to brush up. :)
I doubt he's marrying you because he thinks you're going to become fluent in urdu. He's likes you the way you are right now. Speak in whatever language you feel comfortable in. If you think your urdu is awkward, eventually others will get used to it and appreciate your effort. And "I love you" in english is fairly universal... I doubt you need to say it in urdu, he understands it in english :)
Why can't you speak to him in English and he can respond in Urdu? Once each of you is more comfortable, you will automatically start communicating in the other's language.
ignore everyone sehrysh is right ... i was raised in pakistan till i was a teen ager .. and came here whn i was 15 or so ... and i can speak urdu and english both perfectly fine but i have probs with starting off with people in urdu ... and whn i do get more comfortable with them its usually urdu ... so trust me when u get comfortable with him u'll find a good balance of urdu/english that works for u guys
ditto to above comments. speak in whatever language your comfortable in and both of you will find common ground. since he tries to make such an effort for you, if you really love him and want to try just speak urdu with him! i'm sure your urdu will only improve :).
btw- i have a friend...complete abcd to the fullest who married a fob to the max. she didn't speak ANY urdu before she met him and only responded in english. she could hardly hold a conversation in urdu! but now she is super duper fluent (because she chose to speak to him in her tooti pooti urdu and with time and practice it only improved). her in-laws are pathan so she learned pashto from her hubby too. best of all, her toddler son speaks urdu, pashto AND english...all while born here in the US :).
great advice above! you can also try chatting with him online so you're both writin in english n it'll make you feel a bit more comfy as a starting point?
I was only carrying on what the other posters were doing. lol