I am involved in a community counseling program for muslim teens and have sadly come across a lot of teenage girls who are “dating” and “sleeping around” more casually than ever before.
These are a few parenting changes that have occurred in the past few years:
Parents are giving their children cell phones very early on and not checking who they are calling/texting
Parents are allowing kids to sit with laptops in their rooms with closed doors and have no idea who they are chatting with
Parents are allowing kids to work more hours thereby enabling them to earn more money and not keeping track of hours to see where they are.
The kids have become more confident about lying to parents and taking advantage of the freedom given to them.
While this does not happen in every home, it is becoming more common.
What as a parent of a young child who will eventually become a teenager do you plan to do to protect your child from getting involved in such situations?
Nik, everything you listed above is what will not be allowed for our boyz. I think the things you listed are exactly what contribute to those looser, freer activities.
I know dealing with teenagers is hard, so I doubt this will be easy to enforce, but I think parents should make it clear that the child has the cell phone only for safety reasons. When the child is home it gets taken away, and the parents keep it OFF. If a friend want to contact the child, s/he should call home.
but the teenagers are so much aware of there rights that its veryyyyy difficult to controll them a devil mind will find out ways even strickness is there ....some time i find it very difficult that how might the time willcome.......Allah keep each and every girl and boy in his AMMAN and vanish evil from themmm...(ameen)
You could also consider turning off the wireless network in the house. Only hardwire a desktop computer that is in a central space. If children need the internet, they must come to the living room or whatever to do what they want to do. Laptops are for doing work or creating things that do not require the internet.
Unless you're in an apartment or house that picks up nearby wireless signals. Then I don't know what to do!
I would tell them it's not because we don't trust you; it's because we understand there are temptations and distractions that we ourselves feel when we have these sorts of freedoms. I know how tempting GS and Facebook are. I know how much time they take away from my work. Which is why when I need my students (high school) to work, I have them sit so that their screens face me (and their backs are too me). I say what I said about trust above. The kids haven't complained.
One of my brothers has implemented the following rules:
no computers in bedrooms -- only in the study where there are a couple of desks and all screens are visible from the door of the room - he also picked up some really huge monitors so you can see what is going on from afar
cell phones are returned to the charging station located in the master bedroom when you return home -- not used in the home -- friends are expected to call on the land line and interact with parents first
cell phone plans are monitored monthly to see who is calling/texting in and out and what is being written -- this also keeps the monthly cost of the data plan down cuz nobody should be surfing on there
working is a privilege and definitely a no-no until you are in uni -- they get an allowance for incidentals and bigger ticket items, within reason, are purchased for them so no need for extra money
outings are permitted only with those friends whose parents have been introduced to your own and there has been ample time spent with them
Niksik.....is this a Muslim community group or other?
The amount of things I've seen young girls (13 and up) putting up on FB is horrifying. Seriously. Parents need to monitor what their kids are doing online instead of turning a blind eye. I know one family where the parents were told up front what their young daughter was doing online and they refused to believe it. Also, giving kids their own laptop .... big mistake.
It's not about trust but the unknowns we are faced with these days...the possibilities. It is best to cut the sources of evil rather than deal with everything.
My children are small but my husband and I talk about this often. We will be taking all the above advice seriously.
One of my brothers has implemented the following rules:
no computers in bedrooms -- only in the study where there are a couple of desks and all screens are visible from the door of the room - he also picked up some really huge monitors so you can see what is going on from afar
cell phones are returned to the charging station located in the master bedroom when you return home -- not used in the home -- friends are expected to call on the land line and interact with parents first
cell phone plans are monitored monthly to see who is calling/texting in and out and what is being written -- this also keeps the monthly cost of the data plan down cuz nobody should be surfing on there
working is a privilege and definitely a no-no until you are in uni -- they get an allowance for incidentals and bigger ticket items, within reason, are purchased for them so no need for extra money
outings are permitted only with those friends whose parents have been introduced to your own and there has been ample time spent with them
Great thread Niksik.....I think believe is more prevalent than people think.I totally agree with the above, and that is what we do.Additionally, Mr CO has installed something that tells us exactly which websites Miss CO is visiting.
I don't think children deliberately set out to deceive parents, but there is so much out there to tempt them,that it is so easy to fall into that trap.Personally, I think that FB is the biggest evil around.
One of Miss CO's friends is seeing an Indian boy, and her parents are soo religious, and had us round to tea to check us out (which is fair enough).
When I think to my childhood....I must have been so naive...
No separate tvs or personal computers or any other phone line in their bedrooms till they get done with high school. We have already decided on that one. Actually hubby has.
Cell phones WILL be provided after they turn 16 & that is if they start working part time, which my hubby thinks is necessary so they learn the value of everything they get & really get to see what the outside world has to offer & take as well. I think they should start working a bit at 18 though.
No staying overnight at any friend or even cousins house until unless the whole family is staying. If anyone else wants to come & stay, provided their parents are okay with it. They are more than welcome to do that.
There will be no movie/bowling/whatever night outs. Yeah day outs are fine as long as we have met their friends AND their families. Depending on the situation we might be flexible to night outs as well. That too after 17 maybe & depending on how mature & sensible kids end up growing.
Now I hope when the time comes we are able to instill all these things in our teenage kids. I believe too much strictness sometimes causes more trouble to teenagers than if we let them a little loose. I wouldn't want my kids growing up to be feeling deprived of certain privileges their friends have. That is where real trouble starts & kids start acting up behind our backs.
Other than that all precautions are useless if we don't have an open & frank relationship with our kids. Their should always be respect no matter what but their should be a friendly relationship as well where kids should be able to share things without worrying about how their parents might react to it.
^
1. Teenagers have minds of their own and will make you feel horrible and guilty. They are incredibly manipulative (sometimes without realizing it).
Parents are scared. They are scared of these people that look like adults but don't think like them and don't make sense to them. They are also scared of kids doing worse things. "At least my kid is in my home being naughty."
Parents are in denial. They know deep down that stuff is happening. But it is not easy to face.
Parents are uncertain. They don't know how to talk to their kids and don't know how to go about making rules they can enforce.
Parents are inconsistent. If you make a threat, make sure you're willing to follow-through on it. If you don't/can't, you've lost them.
Will taking away PC and cellphones really help?? Some years back when I was in high school I saw teens whose parents were so strict and all were the most corrupted...it seemed like the moment they stepped into school their evil mode was ON! They knew ways to cut classes and do whatever they liked to do and they would do it with such enthusiasm, I think because they were deprived from everything...I don't think we can "control" teens at least not in the USA...PC,cellphone, etc are not hard to access for young people. The only thing that may help is to teach them about good uses of these things and create unwritten rules otherwise teenagers resent their parents and become much worse. Just my observation!!
Something that many parents fail to realize is that they need to set the example for their kids. If parents lie or cheat then of course the children willlearn to do so. "Do what I SAY, not what I do" is a recipe for failure.
You dont need to remove the privelege of cell phone or laptops, just be sure to monitor them. And let them know that they're being monitored and that privacy is a privelege earned.
I have to say that I'm pretty disturbed with some of the things I've learned lately from Desi teens who come over for their college years. I dont trust them for the most part and think that they are not a good influence on my boys. Rules, regulations, laws and parental controls are by far more important to american parents from the things I've seen and are adhered to much more by american teens, no matter what their heritage. In Pakistan, rules are to sneered at. In USA, you follow the rules or you pay the price.
I'm not desi-bashing here, its just something that has become very apparent to me in the very recent past. And it could very well be just that I'm meeting that particular group and they are actually not representative but somehow I suspect that this may not be the case. But am very welcome to responses, ideas and suggestions.