Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

Hello, I'm a newbie here.

Have a Pakistani uncle who married a Sikh lady almost 30 years ago; both reside in the UK.

His parents and her parents never accepted the marriage. She visits her family without him, and he very seldom visits his family, without his wife.

My Uncle's father always prayed that his son would not be blessed with children as he did not want grandchildren whose mother was a non Muslim. The couple have remained childless despite IVF and other treatments and options.

After the death of my Uncle's father, we met his wife briefly for the first time.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

The above is one story.

My sister in law (dear husband's sister) is married to a non Desi, non Muslim , white American . He is the nicest person possible. My SIL does not care for religion, and religion does not play a part in their relationship. However, my family, and in laws are quite religious. It was extremely difficult for them to come to terms with their daughter's choice (it was not unexpected). She married on her own without inviting a single family member, and after the marriage sent us an email/text announcing her marriage!

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

I've seen many mixed marriages and they work if you want them to work. The struggles are different but the same if you had a love marriage of any sort your parenst would disapprove of.

I notice women tend to last longer in mixed marriages because they tend to bring their culture with them. Mixed marriages are usually love marriages and parties know the struggles ahead will be tough...they tend to compromise more.

Men...not so much...Pakistani men will usually divorce faster in a mixed marriage than Pakistani women.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

It works for those who want it to work just like every other marriage - having said that, I don't think one should think a mixed marriage is a bed of roses. There are plenty of struggles to over come. Some of the guys in my family are in mixed cultural marriages, it's working perfectly fine for them, the religion is the same either by birth or convert and that helps a lot I think.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

Mixed-cultural marriages will probably work. But mixed-faith ones am not sure. A big component in a marriage is kids and how you bring them up. In that regard, multi-cultural families will probably fare better than multi-faith ones.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

My uncle had 3 kids with a non muslim white woman out of wedlock. All hell broke loose. Grandad tried to get my uncle to marry her and make her muslim. She disagreed. Uncle still stayed with her. Grandad disowned him and my grandma had no choice but to listen to my grandad no matter how much it broke her heart. Fast forward 18 years later, Grandad has come to terms with it and now talks to him. Uncle also visits our house often, but as a result his kids are not close to our side of the family at all and neither is my uncle. Uncle and his partner did not last. He lives on his own and his kids see him time to time.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

^Do you think his grandad would have found it more acceptable if they'd married, even though she wasn't Muslim?

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

I heard someone mention 'Marry your own, keep shiit simple'... Which I found rather amusing.

In relation to this thread as many people have mentioned it depends on the individuals and different religions can cause many issues especially if you have children that is why it needs to be well thought off and discussed before taking the dive.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

Definitely. My Grandad said so himself, that what's happened has happened, just marry her and make her muslim to make it all better. That didnt happen though unfortunately.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

I'm the product of an interfaith and mixed culture marriage and my parents marriage for the most part was good. No marriage is perfect but I think when others interfere - that's when things can get messy. My parents had discussed kids, careers, relatives, traditions, etc way before I was born and they had grown up together. It was still difficult for them because they were living in India where during that time inter-faith marriage was a big taboo. My parents both left India though and got married abroad after they both completed their studies. My mom's side was more apprehensive because they didn't know how my dad's side was or how my mom would be treated, etc. My dad's side was very welcoming and very tolerant of my mom so things worked out for them and both sides get along to this day. My parents marriage is still going strong and my mom's side is non-Muslim but they don't dwell on religion and we participated in the traditional festivals and holidays as a big family. No one really brings religion into it, because the nationality was the same. And my dad's family (who are all Muslim) were very openminded and never made my mom feel like an outcast. I really loved and respected my dada/dadi for that. My mom and dadi had a great relationship throughout.

But for some of my other friends who have had mixed marriages, it's not as easy. It's easier to meet people of different religions, cultures when you live abroad and sometimes families don't agree no matter how much you wait or how much you try to convince them. I had a friend who is the result of a mixed marriage. Her mom was Hindu/Indian and she met her father who is Pakistani/Muslim while they were studying abroad in NYC - they fell in love, got married, her mom even converted down the line but her mom's family to this day don't speak to her at all. She told me herself, because of this reason she personally would never consider a mixed marriage because of the pain she's seen her mom go through. Her mom also was seen as an outcast by her in-laws side, despite converting and speaking the same language, eating the same food, etc. Some people cannot accept it while others can. I think if the 2 people involved in the marriage feel that they are compatible and that they can tough it out no matter how hard things get then it's fine. But no marriage, whether it's mixed or not is easy. Every marriage has it's share of problems, it's just what you choose to fight over.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

Pakistani Indian marriages count as a mixed marriage but culturally it is far more easier, especially when it comes to children.

Agree. I've heard this many times and agree with it. More hopeful maybe hahah

Thanks for your responses everyone. They've provided a good insight.

I've always been curious about language.

How important do partners consider transferring their own mother tongues to their children?

In mixed marriages does one language/culture end up dominating the other? Or is it easy for both cultures to coexist?

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

I know a couple (okay, my memory is dhakha start so I keep remember more people) who do have a language difference although English works fine as a common medium. I met their toddler children and they mostly know Spanish (their mother's language) and no Urdu. I have a feeling they won't know much as they grow older.

I think it depends on how proactive each parent is. If one cares about cultural identity more than the other then they will dominate although honestly a child could shed both parents cultures and adopt their home country's instead.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage


True but then culturally they have to be similar as well. I mean it also depends where in Pakistan and Indian, same sect, religion etc Otherwise it can be like a foreigner

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

do you know of many Pakistani-Indian couples in Lahore? And how does one go about finding an Asher-type guy for a friend? I mean where does such a person exist in real life/online? I accepted this challenge without realising what it means but I am optimistic

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

How much more similar can Pakistani and Indians get?

Apart from religion, social and cultural norms are pretty much the same. Language is barely an issue too. I'd say yes Paki Indian marriages are mixed but it's seriously pushing it.

Also same sect disputes are childish I reckon.

I can understand the elderly wanted to keep it in the same sect etc but I still think its among the most degenerative practices in our culture.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

Ooo interesting.

Is shedding the word you want to go with?

Just implies that they let go of their parents' cultures and the values they learned from those cultures.

So would their future generations only look ethnic but adapt to the home country's lifestyle completely?

I'm not opposing or agreeing with your opinion, just asking for clarification.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

Good points. Sometimes the similarities are overlooked.

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

I think this is common..

From what I've seen personally mixed kids are much more likely to 'prefer' English (or the language of wherever they're growing up) then that of their mothers' rather than their fathers'.. that's what I've just noticed around me an in our family.. I do know of one exception though.. A friend of mine has an Egyptian father and a Malaysian mother.. She's fluent in Arabic (and obviously English) but not very confident in her mother's language at all.. She has a lot more exposure to her dad's side of the family who live over here whilst her mum's family live abroad and she has limited contact with them..

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

For me it's not a priority.. I think the vast majority of people who feel it's a priority wouldn't opt for mixed marriages anyway..

From what I've seen personally it's more commonly their mothers' languages but the reverse would definitely be possible or both coexisting side by side if the effort was made..

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Re: Consequences of a mixed faith/cultural marriage

From experience, it depends on the parents really and the people in their kids lives. If one side of the family is shut out or disowns one of the parents then it goes without saying that the other side will dominate and the kid will pick up more from that side. Whoever makes an effort to teach and spend time with the child during the early stages I think has the most impact.
My mom's side is all punjabi and very proud of the language, they can read it, write it, etc. My mom spoke it often around the house and with her side and I can speak it fluently and learned how to read it as well. My dad's side speaks Gujrati but they were more into Hindi because of living in Mumbai - so it wasn't as enforced in the home. I know common phrases and can understand when my dadi/dada speak it but they didn't really expose me to it as Hindi was more predominant.

My husband's side is also Gujrati and they speak it more frequently in the home along with Urdu - so yes I do want my kids to at least be able to have a conversation with their grandparents in it. I would love to teach them Punjabi and I want my husband to converse with them in Gujrati. Kids can pick up languages quite easily in the younger years so I would love to expose them to it and have my in-laws converse with them in Gujrati. My nana was always really big on never forgetting your roots and I think I have that in me as well. I would like to pass along our culture to our kids despite living abroad.