Conniving Mother In Law..plz help

[Mehnaz]

Feroza, if this story is about you, I believe you truly should talk to your husband about this. He needs to have a chat with his mother.

If you go to her directly and confront her behaviour, it will just make things more messy and she may turn around, blow the situation up even bigger and go to him with her exagerrated take on the situation and how you treated her.

First of all, YOU HAVE TO open your mouth. You cannot expect sympathy when you have done nothing to make things better. I know you say you’ve been staying quiet, but obviously, you are miserable. Being in an unhappy environment is not good even for your child. Kids can sense these things!!

Talk to your husband. Does he not see his mother’s actions???

Have him talk to her. Be there with him when he discusses the situation with her if it will make you feel better.

Good luck.

[RT_Wolf]

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
Be there with him when he discusses the situation with her if it will make you feel better.

[/QUOTE]

If the MiL feels cornered, she might not react well. I think it'd be better if you weren't there if your husband talks to her.

Also, if you feel you need moral support, you might want to turn to your parents. As it seems, they do understand.

At any rate, please give more information about how your husband feels about this, or at least consider it in your own planning. He may be very key in any kind of a solution. Good luck!

PS It might just be best to ride it through the pain. If the MiL's as cruel as you say she is, then seeing you smiling and her inability to make a dent in it, might just force her to stay away.

[Asif_k]

Feroza - It seems to me that you are the problem in this whole relationship. You have a huge problem with your MIL living in your hubby's house. You have publicly abused your MIL and made fun of her. You dont trust your husband, you have no respect for his mother, You dont live at his place because you are too good for them. You want to do a Tasalli Check just because a 'SON' is allowed to do it (your parents should have done it before the marriage and Baccha not after it)

If you still didn't get it, Here is a million $ suggestion - 'go ahead get a divorce and look for someone with a dead mother.'

[ch_and-be_ii]

[quote]
Originally posted by Asif_k:
If you still didn't get it, Here is a million $ suggestion - 'go ahead get a divorce and look for someone with a dead mother.

[/quote]

Wasn't that a bit too harsh. You are one of those 'mama's boy' types I guess.

Yes, I agree.. her parents shud mind their own business and shudn't go snooping around their daughter's life for "tasalli" at this stage.
And Feroza staying at her parents place after marriage isn't very pleasing either.

But, Asif... that doesn't mean her mil has every right to torture Feroza. Why are u ignoring the major chunk of this drama.. the MIL who according to Feroza has been playing mind games and causing her a lot of trouble? Shudn't the MIL learn better ways?

Well, both Feroza and her MIL are at fault here. Feroza shud have stayed with her husband after marriage( no matter what ). And her MIL shud clean up her act by getting rid of her typical mil mind games.

And as for Feroza insulting her mil in front of ppl, well do we know Feroza personally here? Isn't she just another ID for us( ppl in front of whom she insulted her mil). As long as she remains unknown out here and the id she is using isn't her real name, I don't think it matters much.

Feroza - Dear, I wud like to add something here. If u don't like ur MIL's interference, then it is fair enuff to ask ur parents to stay out of ur business too. U are a grown woman now. U shud know how to handle ur family matters with ease. U were staying with ur parents all this while, so no need for them to come visit ur new place now. It wud be better if u drop that plan. And let the MIL come and stay with u. And if she continues with her games.. do what I had previously told u to do.

[Asif_k]

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Chandbeti: *
Wasn't that a bit too harsh. You are one of those 'mama's boy' types I guess.

[/QUOTE]

Hahaha - So just because I dont support your views, I become a Mama's boy ? Anyways I would always prefer to be a Mama's boy than a 'Joru ka Ghulam'.

I know MILs can be really tough, but same can be said about Bahus too. According to her she is an angel and her MIL is an EVIL. It's okay for her to spend 2 years of her married life at her parents and then a Tassali check plus invite her own parents two their Damad's place but her house suddenly becomes too small when her MIL wants to stay with her son. Her double standards in dealing with her MIL and her parents is the main reason for this problem. If you think I am taking MIL's side then so be it.

Trust me you would react exactly same way when your Bhabhi pulls similar tricks on your mom ?

And no my suggestion was not harsh at all - If she is really so fed up and unhappy with her MIL & hubby, then she should do what I said. I dont believe in living all my life suffering and trying to work things out with my in-laws and spouse.

[funguy]

Asif, you have the right to your views on this situation but please make sure you let these views known to your prospective wife or else you are in for big big trouble. and please, dont take this as a negative.

[Degas]

Its a typical situation in our society and our friends and relatives are great people and others side is always evil!!! If we look closer both sides would be having juicy stories to tell and a flood of grievences.. no one believes that they could be doing harm to their own beloved ones.. I have seen so many mothers in their over care destroy the lives of their girls just trying to get them hold and many mother in laws doing the same.. I would suggest ur friend should be gracious enough to allow her mother in law first.. sometimes these acts build families than trying to create war like situations in families..

[ch_and-be_ii]

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Asif_k: *
Hahaha - So just because I dont support your views, I become a Mama's boy ? Anyways I would always prefer to be a Mama's boy than a 'Joru ka Ghulam'.

[/quote]

It is not coz u don't share my views, I called ya mama's boy coz U were blaming Feroza alone for this mess.

[quote]
Her double standards in dealing with her MIL and her parents is the main reason for this problem. If you think I am taking MIL's side then so be it.

[/quote]

Yes, I agree with u on this one. I have made it clear enuff in my previous post that she needs to keep her parents away from her family affairs. But then again, her MIL shud have taken a different approach while dealing with her bitterness on this situation( DIL staying with her parents), rather than going for all the mental games. She is the elder one here. She shud know better than this. Both Feroza and MIL are at fault.

[quote]

And no my suggestion was not harsh at all - If she is really so fed up and unhappy with her MIL & hubby, then she should do what I said. I dont believe in living all my life suffering and trying to work things out with my in-laws and spouse.
[/QUOTE]

Well, she never said she had problems with her hubby. It is just the MIL, and which household doesn't have it's share of MIL related problems? Marriage isn't in danger as long as the two most important ppl involved are happy (or even comfortable) with each other.

And as far as I am concerned, I feel such family feuds can be kept at their least by staying seperate from parents( both sides ) after marriage. :)

[Asif_k]

Funguy Puttar - I dont believe in polygamy. Thanks for your concern anyways

[CorruptAngel]

Feroza,

I think you and your hubby both should stop letting your parents interfere in your marriage life. For God's sake you're not kids anymore! I'm not saying you should stop talking to them but just don't let them interfere in your personal business.

AND guys, those of you who are blaming the DIL alone for all the mess should think about the cause. After marriage you need to stick to your partner's side no matter what because afterall, the wifey is the one you'll spend your whole life with and she'll be the one who will raise your kids. If you give her tensions she won't be able to raise kids the way she needs to. You really can't just ignore her feelings unless you don't want your marriage to work out!

[feroza]

hmmmmm

Now lets get one thing striaght.

Dear Asif_K..and all the other guppies out there; I HAVE and i quote "I HAVE NOT BEEN LIVING AT MY PARENTS 4 THE PAST 2 YEARS".

As it so happens only the last month. So kindly dont jump 2 any sort of conclusions and begin to offend.

Reason being i live in a totally different country to my in-laws, since my hubby has gone 4 his transfer he suggested that i shift with my parents until he is ready 2 call me.

ok...

now...

Asif_K, I sooo hope u were a woman, ONLY THEN wud u understand the problems some DILS have to face with conniving MILs, especially ones who have separated from their husbands and think they still own their sons outright and that the wife is just there 4 the cooking, the cleaning, wiping her babys bottom and sucking upti her royal highness.

U really shouldnt jump 2 conclusions without knowing the full story which i am not even going 2 BEGIN to explain to the likes of u.

As far as divorcing my husband is concerned, as one other guppie kindly pointed out to u, i dont have a problem with my husband AND YES whether it offends u or not, coz i damn care since u didnt take 2 miutes 2 make ur own assumptions... YES I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT $ THIS LADY WHO DOES EVERYTHING 2 MILK US FINANCIALLY AND ALL OTHER WAYS so much so that we r now in debt becoz of it.

AND...... like one of u guys said, i have NOT publicly crtiicsed her, u dont know me (Thanx to the Almighty, i hope i never come across n e one like u ever) and neither my dear MIL, so whats that all about then.

I pray to Allah, that u r gifted with a MIL like mine, ONLY THEN will u realise.

Its easier to criticise others when ur not in their shoes...U DONT HAVE THE FAINTEST IDEA MATE.

And Finally....

YES the MIL is important in any marriage, after she is the mother of ur husband,the dadi of ur children, howver she will NEVER replace my parents...ISLAM tells me my parents come b4 all. YES it is my duty 2 respect my MIL and give her what I can, but if all i get back is a load of crap and unvearable hassle in my life, so much so that she gets up and degrades my family in public,when she feels, insults my views and generally feels like Queen Victoia , then NO, I have lost all respect im sorry to say.

Whether u r older or younger u must earn ur respect. Unfortunatelky in this society we r forced 2 fake our feelings 4 the sake of other important people, i,e spouses, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN U SHOULD SUFFER IN SILENCE AND PUT UP WITH DOWNRIGHT RUDENESS AND DESPICABLE BEHAVIOUR.

tell u what? how about i give u her address and u spend the day with her??? I mean u have favoured her sooo much wihtout even knowing her....I will ask u about the visit afterwards, then u can come back 2 this forum and apologise 4 ur obscenities.

u gave me ur advice, u want mine????

GO GET MARRIED< AND LEARN THE HARD WAY....AND IN THE MEANTIME KEEP UR WISE SUGGESTIONS 2 URSELF

MAY ALLAH TEACH ALL WHO MOCK AND RIDICULE THIS SITUATION< AND BLAME SUFFERING ALREADY HEARTBROKEN PEOPLE< WITH A HARSH LESSON SO THAT MAY EXPERIENCE AND REALISE THE PAIN...AMEEN

[CocoNut]

Feroza, I deeply feel for you but I can't say that I can relate what you are going through. All I have to say to you right now is that don't let condescending comments discourage you from seeking advice here.

I'll be back after gathering my thoughts on this issue : ) Keep checking this post for an update.

[Mehnaz]

Feroza, although I’m a single girl, I know EXACTLY what you are going through as I have witnessed the type of behaviour of your MIL in many other women with their treatment of their DILs.

I have a question which I believe I have already asked:

Is your husband a witness to his mother’s behaviour? Has he spoken to her about it? If no, then why not?

Stay strong girl … you have the support of a lot of people here including me. Do not let other individuals who have posted responses in this thread discourage you and put ALL of the blame on you.

Only you know the full story and I do not believe you need to justify yourself further to the Guppies.

[ch_and-be_ii]

Thanks Feroza for clarifying. I am sorry I jumped to the conclusion too soon. Now I know ur real ordeal. And my heart goes out to u girl.

As I told u in my very first post on this thread, u gotta be strong and put ur foot down here. If I was in ur place, I would have taken care of this long back. You have quite a lot of patience I shud say.

I am sure ur husband must have some idea about this whole thing. But you have to let him know about ur grievances. If you don't complain about this and keep quite(like u have been doing for past 2 years), he wud naturally assume that you are cool with. I am sure he wud talk to his mom to make things better once he knows how much u have been suffering mentally all this time. You have to convince your hubby, that it is you with whom he has to spend rest of his life with. You ought to get treated better than this by his mother.

And if situation calls for it, be ready to have a chat with ur MIL too. Be brave, and tell her( in a polite tone ) that her interfernce isn't gonna help make her son's life happier in anyway.

It is good that u are moving away from where ur in-laws stay. I guess things are gonna be ok once you stay away from her. And don't worry, everything will be fine. :)

[umeed24]

well why dont we solve the problem from the root.Basically whts ur friend's mother in law is doing should have some reason behind that.How can a mother ruin his son's life.As u told us that ur friend's parents and her mother in law had a fight in ther wedding, not even small but a huge one.So why that fight happened,any logical reason for that?What i think, since the first day ur friend's mother in law never accept her as her daughter in law.And now as she is married,she should not discuss each and every problem with her parents but try to solve the problems by herself and try to discuss less abt her parents in front on her in laws.Tell me is it a arranged marriage or a love one.May be we only have the one sided infomation,and ask ur friend whts her reaction when her mother in law says something?

[Afia]

feroza
first of all please don’t take my reply as an offence or insult or anything bad
i don’t know any of you …neither u nor ur MIL…n same is for almost everyone here …you know your situation best …n we can only get the point of view from your side …
so i will not try to judge the situation …but there is something i want to say
most of times in our lives…we make an opinion about others which is sooo sooo wrong …our prejudice n anger and all these negative emotions just make our vision blurred …so we fail to see the positive things in that person …as a result we suffer
only if we try to communicate positively with the second person we can solve almost 70% of our problems , if not all

no i’m not any expert…n nor i’m trying to be
but my words are based on my experience
i’m married …have experienced joint family system so i think i know what you are talking about
you see whenever there is a conflict , if told , u can have sooo many sympathizers …n naturally everyone is comforted with that type of sympathy…we like to hear good for us …n many times we don’t like if anyone tries to defend the other person …!! n thats what makes us think we r right …even if we r not

in short , i will say …may be you should try to evaluate the situatuion from ur MIL’s point of view …may be just may be it might help

secondly , the key role is thet of your husband …if possible try to talk openly …n try to discuss it with ur MIL …!

i know situations like these r sensitive …but you will have to think rationally , else it might get worse !

hope …u don’t mind it …n if u do ..i seriously apologise

[hiccup]

I doubt she'll be able to live her whole life at odds with her husbands mother. What she should try to do is try and make peace with her "MiL" of course she may hate her etc...but sometimes in life we have to compromise where we don't want to. Even if that does mean putting her parents on the back burner for a while. I'm sure they'll understand. Try and kill her with love.
It does work, I've seen it happen, noone has the resolve to hate someone for long periods when shown nothing but love in return, I'm not saying be submissive, on the contrary, be actively pro-MiL, especcially when shes around. Remain strong, the enemy will have no choice but to surrender.
Im guessing all the hostility is becasue she feels threatened that her relationship with her son is not goiong to be the same. Try and convince her that that is not the case. Encourage son-mother "bonding" time, where she can get her husband to treat and pamper her "MiL" and keep hinting that it was at her advice and how grateful he is to the mother that he married her to such a nice preson.
If that doesn't work I'll stop watching 1940s Indian flicks with that man who looks like shahruk khan.....

[Mr_Fraudia]

Here is another guy's perspective, but with a pretty good understanding of what soem MILs can be like since i have seen some cousins and friends suffer.

based on what I have read, I dont think the buck stops at the MIL. It stops at you and your husband. You need to be frank and open with him, and he needs to manage how his parents or his side of the family in general affect your married life, and you should be doing the same for him.

If he can not stand up to his mother and work this out, its his fault as well. If you have not discussed it with him, its your fault as well.

The point here is, you have told us that there is a problem.. aside from your word, we dont know what the root of the problem is, maybe its not just your MIL but you as well, but we dont know that so as much as it is a possibility lets leave it for now. There is also an issue of perception vs reality. How many of the things she does are well meaning, but poorly executed or poorly perceived, and how many are actions that you dont like.

perceptions, intentions, personal prefernces and views, communication problems, personality mismatch etc are key ingredients that if not understood, can spiral any situation out of control or to make it worse.

The solution as I have noted is to have a serious disucssuion with your husband..he may be able to see the situation more clearly and have a better understanding of both personalities and issues. Once there is a better understanding of what the challenge really is, what your concerns and issues are, and what his mothers issues or concerns are. You and him can figure out the best way to deal with it.

Even then, do not expect an optimal solution, there will be some give and take. Your optimal solution may not be his optimal solution etc. You guys have to decide what are the limits of his mother's involvement in your lives and then work with that.

He has to shoulder a lot of responsibility for this, and if he is a good husband and a good son he will. Just like if he was having issues with your side of the family for some reason, you would help sort it out.

Simply being upset at your MIL and venting will not change the situation. Hope this helped.

last point..you are talkign to ppl here, thats fine, but do not involve too many ppl in your family or your friends into this. The more ppl who get involved the messier the situation becomes. This is a 2 person team operation you and your husband.

[Nadia_H]

:k: A rather balanced reply, Fraudz. Good job.

Feroza, i really feel sorry for you. i hope, some of the advice you have read here is somehow useful to you, your husband, and ultimately your whole family Insha’Allah.

i have known both sides of the spectrum here - absolutely devastating mothers-in-law who don’t think twice of verbally degrading/abusing/mocking their daughters-in-law, infront of us guests, while we are sitting at their home and the daughter-in-law is in the next room busily preparing khaana. On the other side i have also known, far too well, daughters-in-law whose beysharam antics and acts of meanness and spite are not suitable for describing in a family Forum such as this. i don’t know - life can be hell for anyone who is at the receiving end of all this type of grief.

You’ll be in my duas. i sincerely hope it works out for you Insha’Allah, eventually.

[Mr_Fraudia]

Nadia

I am a firm believer in the responsibility of the spouses to their marriage and to one another.

The objective is for a fair situation, fair to paernts and family and fair to the spouse.

I have not seen a single case where there is a problem if the spouses manage their side of the family well. Yes they may get it from their parents/siblings/assorted rishtay-daar for being controlled by their spouse etc but thats where it ends.

The whole prmise is to be fair and to stand up for what is right, both for the spouse or for the parents. If the couple can manage to do that, there will not be an issue like this.

Where I have seen this sort of issue stay unresolved is where one just tells his/her spouse to live with it and deal with it and nothing will change, or to not make any attempt to resolve the situation.

I have even seen cases where the spouses dont want to piss each other off so their parents/siblings do their dirty work by telling the other person, oh you should do this or dont do that. Pretty immature in my view unless its some drastic need.

Someone once said, God does not give you a challenge which he knows that you can not face. The choice of whether, or how you are going to face it, is entirely up to you.