Conniving Mother In Law..plz help

Lifestyle Relationships
1

AoA

My friend has trouble with her mother in law she has always tried 2 cause trouble between her and her husband. She is always scheming something and making my friend out 2 be and idiot her son should not respect and that he should put “robe” on her and keep secrets from her.

Unfortunately my friend is having 2 move away to another country due to her husbands transfer there. Her parents r very worried about her bcoz she has always been close 2 her and being separated especially after their first nawasa seems almost unbearable. Her husband suggested that her parents go with her for a month or two (husband has already gone) so that they can be satisfied that she is living under good conditions, u know a kind of “tasali” for them.

Now the mother in law knows this well, in fact has done for a while. My friends parents and her husbands mother dont get on bcoz she caused a huge fight at their wedding and havent really been on speaking terms since.

She has now gone and planned a trip to her son, in the same month that my friend was planning 2 go with her parents. The accomodation is not enough to house all of them and plus even if it was they simply dont get on. She was supposed 2 go earlier but has decided 2 turn up at the exact same time as them now.

My friend is so worried i cant tell u bcoz she had planned this trip with her parents for 5 months and now she has put a spanner in the works. She really needs advice.

What should she do?

2

Salaam,

I think that your friend needs to have a serious talk with her husband.I mean Iv seen a lot of this- where the mother in law makes the wife look wrong.She does everything to mess things up.Clearly the thing to do is sit down and have a 'family' talk.I mean the wife cannot go on like this...it will ruin the marriage.

So tell your friend to have a long discussion with her husband,and also with his mother.

3

yeah agree with Muslim_Queen... she should talk to her husband... but tell her to try not to make her mother in law look as though shes at fault cus that'll just get her husband angry... no one likes to hear bad stuff said about their parents.. especially mothers no matter what they're like... i cant even handle people saying stuff about my aunties...

tell ur friend shes a smart gal.. just be patient and Inshallah things will work out..

4

its sad to this happening, i totally understand ur friends feelings and emotions cos my mother may god bless her with countless blessings has gone through a similar actually a worser ordeal for 22 years

allah will help her and my mam have belief in allah tell your friend

5

Oh! How typical of the mother-in-law. Why most of em have this nasty attitude towards their D-i-ls is really beyond my understanding.

Anyways, Ur friend really needs to step up to the occasion here. She needs to have a 'talk' with her hubby, and if possible her M-I-L too. Ask her to be brave and sort things out. Ask her to take the soft approach initially, if it doesn't work( which I am sure of) she has to be really stern about it then. She needs to be strong for once. If she keeps on taking all that her m-i-l dishes out, there will never be an end to this torture( mental ) inflicted upon her.

Hope her problem is sorted out, and the m-i-l learns to stop meddling in her son's life. :)

6

[quote]
Her parents r very worried about her bcoz she has always been close 2 her and being separated especially after their first nawasa seems almost unbearable
[/quote]

seems like a case of over-possesive/protective maternal in-laws to me.

7

Ask your friend to have her parents postpone their plans. Let the mother-in-law come over and stay with them to her hearts content and then once they leave she can have her parents come over! Don't announce the change in plans though or the M.I.L might change hers accordingly.

I don't think there is anything unfortunate about her husband's transfer. If the M.I.L is creating trouble it is better that she moves out as soon as possible.

I think the whole idea is messed up. The parents should stay with the daughters not the sons. Daughters can take better care of their parents than a D.I.L.

8

First of all, your friend MUST stay strong. I know it can be emotionally tough and draining.

Her hubby should definitely talk to his mother about her actions towards his wife. He needs to be stern and put his foot down. As long as the MIL thinks her son is in her corner, she will continue to behave the way she does.

He needs to make it clear that it isn't o.k. for her to treat his wife the way he does. First, he should talk to her. I don't see any reason why the DIL needs to confront her MIL. That will just cause further problems.

If the vacation has been planned 5 months ahead, it should go on as planned. It sounds like the MILs intentions are to cause havoc, although we are not 100% sure of this. If she changes her plans, then the MIL will have succeeded in destroying the trip.

However, the most important thing is the the son to talk to his mother about her behaviour.

9

Mehnaz the last thing she wants is her parents trip to turn into a disaster. It is quite obvious that both mothers do not get along at all. Why deliberately get entangled with a person as conniving as the mother-in-law. Until husband and wife don’t sort out things amongst themselves and the husband hasn’t talked to his mother I don’t think it is a good idea to let the parents get together.

The best thing would be for the girl to plan a trip back home while her mother-in-law is visiting the hubby :hehe:

10

Very true FF. I was just thinking that the MIL's intentions are to screw up her DILs vacation and she will achieve her goal if the trip is postponed/cancelled.

I think it's time for the son to start acting like a man and have a chat with his mother. :)

11

Her plans are to make sure the girls parents do not have a good time while they are there. So she can be there to keep a constant check whats going on and ruin their fun.
I still think postponing will atleast let them have a good time when they eventually go.

12

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
I think it's time for the son to start acting like a man and have a chat with his mother. :)
[/QUOTE]

Hopefully, his mother isn't a drama queen and won't say he's just stabbed her through the heart.

Personally, if I was in your friend's position. I would tell my parents to come after the MiL has left, but just tell the MiL that they're not coming. Hopefully, she won't get any sort of inkling that my parents are coming after she's gone, otherwise she could have my parents' visit postponed for years.

Hehe, this is starting to sound like military planning: "The enemy will infiltrate our base but we must not let her disrupt our plans. Because of weakened position, we must feign surrender but attack after the enemy has retreated back to her base camp. We must feed the enemy false intelligence until such time as she leaves." :p

13

I;ve a couple of comments...

In Latin culture, it is the norm for parents to live with their daughters and son-in-laws. It helps in living a happy family life for all. Mothers often get along well with daughters and I have rarely seen fathers-in-law locking horns with their sons-in-law. To me, this is the best set-up for cultures with joint family systems. There is no reason why it can't be adopted in Pakistani culture as well.

Secondly, I put 100% blame on the son in such scenarios. He needs to stop playing "the obedient son no matter what" and "caring husband" at the same time if he knows well there is something majorly wrong. He needs to understand it is HIS moral and religious (if he is religious) obligation to provide a nourishing environment for his wife, children (if any) FIRST. Most mothers-in-law just can't get over the fact that the son is with another woman. The best way is to communicate to all concerned parties in an open manner. She needs to be told that the wife is there to stay no matter what. And if she wants to see her son live happily, she MUST become friends with his wife. And if there is a need, same lecture should be delivered to his better half.

One would hope that these stupid issues won't happen as often in todays educated families but this issue has more to do with controlling factor. We need to have bigger hearts.

14

Funguys summed it up well. Yes it is sad. At first mothers bring a bahoo and the suddenly they become rivals.

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Re: Conniving Mother In Law..plz help

Feroza,

First of all you should get both side of the story, so far you have heard only your friend's side. According to me it's your friend's personal family life and you shouldn't get into it, but incase you decide to help her, it would be appropriate that you also hear what her mother-in-law may have to say about this whole situation.

To me, it appears that your friend's parents dont even trust their son-in-law, otherwise why would they need a ' Tasalli ' before sending their daughter to that country ? Your excuse of accomodation also sounds very stupid. If a house is good enough for 5 people (your friend, her hubby, 2 parents and the kid), it should be big enough to accomodate 1 more person. I am also assuming( since you told that her parents are going to miss their Nawasa) that the girl has spent most of her post marriage time at her parent's place which itself is enough to annoy her in-laws.

It's very easy to paint the mother-in-law as an evil and Bahus as the Simple innocent Masoom. But it's not always true.

16

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by roshnie: *
Funguys summed it up well. Yes it is sad. At first mothers bring a bahoo and the suddenly they become rivals.
[/QUOTE]

Excuse me, Mother's bring the Bahu ?? I think that's how our society works.

I can say the same thing about Girls Parents, First they marry their daughters to some unknown person and after that they cry river thinking about how their daughter is going to live with an unknown guy in an unknown family ?

As I said it is a tough situation for both the Bahu and the Mother-in-law and they should try to work it out among themselves.

17

I think the girl's parents should also let it go..sounds stupid..we'll go where ever our little angel goes...
You friend must be mature enough to handle her problems..she can have a talk with the hubby and with her M.I.L..
why don't ppl suggest talkin to the M.I.L.?

At times girl's parents' involmement specially mommy's make the situation more complex. You can't get out of it even if you want too( kinda gets ego related and all)

The woman is just visting her son..no need to make an issue outta it.. Maybe if the girl stays cool and doesn't go honk-honk about it , the problem may dissolve easily..

p.s: i just hate family politics..it sooooo SUCKS major!!

18

Re: Re: Conniving Mother In Law..plz help

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Asif_k: *
otherwise why would they need a ' Tasalli ' before sending their daughter to that country ?

I am also assuming( since you told that her parents are going to miss their Nawasa) that the girl has spent most of her post marriage time at her parent's place which itself is enough to annoy her in-laws.

It's very easy to paint the mother-in-law as an evil and Bahus as the Simple innocent Masoom. But it's not always true.
[/QUOTE]

yea and ditto the above too..

the tasali point is stupid too... they've already a kid!! ..You can't go on a monthly 'tasali-check' routine..will harm their girl more than anyone else.

19

I was thinking all along as to why are the girl's parents are coming with their daughter at the first place. I know of many parents of the girl who don't interfere with the daughter's matters, no matter what, but here they are going to live with them for some months, doesn't sound alright to me. Secondly, in my opinion, MIH has the right to be with her son, thats how the society works. If she is coming along its fine. Just give her a nice time, she will not have anything to complain about.

20

Right guys thanx 4 ur overwhelming response, but i have a confession to make.

I was talking about ME all along.

THIS IS MY PROBLEM not my friends.

I heard ur views i agreed with the upper and half and titally disagree with the latter half.

If half of u knew just how conniving my mother-in-law was, u wouldnt dare speak in her favour.

I went itno this relationship with good faith, but she turned it into one BIG JOKE.

As far as someone saying that me staying at my parents post marriage s enough to annoy my MIL is concerned, its only bcoz her son has nowhere else 2 house me yet that I have had 2 do this.

And my parents going for their tasali, yes its damn ok. If a son is allwed this privilege by his mother and father then y not a daughter.

Heck things have always gone my MIL's way so far and my life has been an absolute misery. Interference, in every way possible, giving me uncessary stress, and me not complaining one bit not even 2 her son...but where does the line draw to an end?

AND She has all the right in the world to stay with "her son" if she wants to, but Im sorry, she has 2 behave like a MIl , if she carries on the way she has 4 the past 2 years, then im sorry if this offends some of u, but she can stay right where she is at the moment, coz ive just simply had enough of her games. I cant take them ne more not now i have my child.

So this is the REAL story...

Thanx 4 all ur advice i appreciate it

BUT i have just had enough of sweet looking, bespectacled MIL's who have another very ugly side to them.

My mother is an MIL, my sis in law is always running around her..she never inerefers and always prays 4 them, y dont we get the same even though we give her everything she wants.

This is all just crap.

No one understands.....