CONFUSION

[dil_cheez]

Hi there

Well my frnd has a problem, she got her nikaah done to her cuz in pakistan in May, all was good then. she came back to UK just afew days later…

Afew weeks later they started to have arguments, he used to say to her that she shud ask him whenever she is going out if she can go out, even when she goes out with her family(mum and sis) and if he says no then she shud make an excuse and not go…

She did say to him at that time that he is still in pak and they have not had there rukhsati done, so if she goes out an about she will ask her parents as she is under their roof, he got really pissed at that and said that then stay there with your parents for the rest of ur life…

he ignored her for few days and then phd her again (she wud phn him but he wudnt ansr) then anthr argument she was showing her sister some wedding lenghas and her sisters frnd turned up and said let me c… he went off again why u shown this guy blah blah she said that its her sisters frnd but he didnt listn, so thn that night he called her and started sayn that she is worse thn all these prostitutes she hung up the phn, he called her back and said that he is gna send the papers and end this whl thing (nikaah) and thn no1 will marry her she will stay in her parents house for the rest of her life, he said that he wnt do this if she calls him back and says sorry to him, so that is what she did.

Since thn he has been doing the same thng, saying that he made a mistake marrying her and that he shud have listened to everyone that said she is not good enuf ect He says at times mayb we shud end this now as they are very different but afew days later he acts all normal

He is always saying things like uz re too western so is ur family, even I shud be like that have gf’s whn I cme to the UK… At one point she was takin about her wedding and how a cple of family frnds are gna be in the dance he got really pissed… she wnt on to say that even her dad knws about this have there are involved in the wedding prep.. he went on to say that he iant that bagherit(soz to use this word) I was there at that time and she was so upset cudnt stop cryin

My frnd has chnged so much, she used to be out and about all the time with frnds, had loadz of guy mates, used to have a laff now that all has changed…

She goes out with frndz jus once a week and she has told her guy mates that her husbnd to be does not like her havn guy mates so they shud jus leave it to hi and bye… which they all have respected and she isnt the same anymre…

However saying all this somtimes he is so sweet to her, says that he luves her, listens to her go on about her wedding plans and what she wnts from him…i intially did say to her that its because if the distance but now am not sure, he is talked about divorce more thn 2 times now even tho he hasnt uttered those words yet.

she is my bst frnd and i am not able to help her… I knw that she dusnt luv him but she thnks that she can grow to luv him… but this attitude that he has.

P.S She has told her sisters about it but they say that cause he isnt with her and all the way in pak so that is why he is being like that and once he cmes here he will change…

Bt I have seen her change a girl that used to smile all the time has now a fake smile plastered on her face…

So u peepe any advice???

[RupayHalwa]

The boy feels he needs to control something bcos he cannot control the fact that he cannot b with his wife at the mo.

Having said that, he appears to b hasty and attention seeking, and this divorce threatening is not right. Wonder what he is gonna b like after the rukhsati when they have a n arg?

Girl really needs to speak to her parents and let them know exactly what is happening and seek their guidance, as its probably the parents who set them up in the first place.

Perhaps the parents can speak to his parents and make them understand.

But b4 they do, the girl should let the boy understand that she is not happy with his behaviour and so has referred the matter to his parents.

[psyah]

Re: CONFUSION

How do people get themselves into these messes?

You know it seems that there is a lot more to this whole story. This forum is not going to help very much. The number 1 thing to look for is compatibility. He may have reservations and people in Pak have a pride thing also. That he must wait before coming over to UK and a sense of inferiority that he is experiencing he may try to be overcoming by putting pressure on his wife to be.

To be honest if he did not know about the lifestyle of his wife to be then it is his mistake too. He can't have UK and his way ...
Your friend needs to be ready to commit, if she has married then not worry about his empty threats he is only trying to put psychological pressure on her. If she realises this then she will be okay. However, she should respect his wishes and by doing so now then she will be able to do so later on also.

I think your friend is quite mature about this so let her continue in the way she has chosen and lets see what happens. Just do du'a for her.

[Mirch]

Re: CONFUSION

I agree he needs chitter tay litter from his parents.

[chanda_kh]

Re: CONFUSION

I am sorry..but this is no way of starting a new life together..based on your post...the couple is mismatched..and this is not the 1920s when a girl was ok with all the bashings/beizatis and the fruits that come with it.

[dil_cheez]

Do u know what most of uz a rite, wud apprct more post so then i can show this to y frnd and she can c that I am not the only 1 that thnks there is smthing wrong.

Thanks every1

xx

[Sara516]

Re: CONFUSION

Iss mein confusion ki kya baat hai? he's a controlling, possessive, insecure psycho. plain and simple.

Btw, how did this relationship begin? U didn't mention but did he know about her lifestyle before they had thier nikkah done? Is it arranged or love? And most importantly....Do her parents know what is going on?

[dil_cheez]

Well there are cuzins, have known each other since they where 11 as that is whn she started to go to pak, they where really good frnds.... he knw everythng bout her..... her frnds , what she was like but dnt knw what has hapnd all of a sudden........

Actually b4 they got there nikaah dne he was going out wit sm1, dnt knw whn it ended so he aint really a saint.

it was arranged

Her parents dont know yet.......

[Sara516]

Your friend needs to be ready to commit, if she has married then not worry about his empty threats he is only trying to put psychological pressure on her. If she realises this then she will be okay. However, she should respect his wishes and by doing so now then she will be able to do so later on also.

I think your friend is quite mature about this so let her continue in the way she has chosen and lets see what happens. Just do du'a for her.

You're really smart, but this is the worst advice i've seen so far. (well nto worst worst but its pretty bad.)

[Afro-Sheen]

Re: CONFUSION

She should talk to him about how she hates this behavior and if he doesn't change, she should talk to her parents NOW about what is happening.

She can call him out on his divorce threat...and be like ok go ahead. If you want to divorce based on these stupid little things...go ahead. God knows what he would do once they are together.

[NaMaan]

Re: CONFUSION

The biggest problem is DISTANCE and its creating insecurities.

Fix it :)

[sazzie]

Distance doesn’t seem to be the problem at all. My perception of your friend’s story is that her hubby to be is controlling and possesive, to threaten her and upset her is cruel. if he’s like this thousands of miles away in Pakistan, what’s he gonna be like when he’s with her? :no:
She really needs to talk to her parents, and think about whether she could spend the rest of her life with this guy.

xx

[Ambassador1]

He is a psycho and a black mailer who will turn your friend into a patient also. He seems like some 'ghunda' type who wants to control her with threats of 'divorce'.

She should share all of this with her parents and her parents needs to realise if this guy is threatening their daughter with 'divorce' now, much likely, he is going to use these threats as a tool for the rest of their married life. It seems like this psycho has realised that the girl and her parents would accept all his wishes to avoid her ending up getting a 'divorce' from him and face problems later.

Compromising with this guy will be the hugest mistake she or her parents willl make. Her parents need to take control and show him his right place. He is cruel and will continue to use this 'divorce you' weak point to threaten the girl to fulfill all his good or bad desires.

If she is willing to live that kind of life, accept that kind of derogatory treatment and being treated like a cattle for the rest of her life, she may still continue to accept this guy as her 'husband'.

[Your_President]

Re: CONFUSION

Clearly, they are mismatched. Threatening her with divorce even before they have had a chance to meet up is ridiculous. People like him don't deserve girls like your friend. At the nikkah, did she opt for the divorce option? --- that she has the right to divorce? If so, then next time he threatens her, tell her to tell him to go to hell and that SHE divorces his ass.

[tweety_pie]

every1 is blaming distance on his behaviour, wht a load of BS!!!! There is no excuse 4 him being the way he is, especially this whole divorce thing, its nt a joke that he feels he can easily threaten divorce. He will make her life hell when they live together!!!! 4gt him mentioning divorce tell ure friend 2 get a divorce, i really wouldn;t put up this rubbish. Compromise between couples, and understanding is 1 thing, but his behaviour is childish and controlling, not the best bases to begin a relationship that is meant 2 last a life time!!!

[chanda_kh]

Re: CONFUSION

to be honest..a respectable conversation between a man and his to-be-wife...OR his wife should never contain the word 'divorce' ...even jokingly..let alone..a threat!! thats just plain jahalat..
you dont make the other person compromise by threatening them with the word 'divorce' !!

[sweetNsour]

Re: CONFUSION

^ agreed. That's just SAD!

[dil_cheez]

Hey all

Thanks for all your input, he is an ass, dusnt deserve her..... I am going to show this thread to my frnd 2mro......

I forget to mention that he hasnt spoken to her for the past week now cause she forgot to mention that she and her family had seen his cuzin in london......

So to him, he thinks that she is keeping secrets......

The thing with this guy is that he is so sweet to everyone no1 wud evr blv that he is like that, this is the reason that she hasnt told her parents

Her sister did speak to him and he denied everything, he evn sAID TO MY frnd u tell every1 no1 will belv u every1 will blv me

The thng is that he is 5 waqt namazee and apparntly religs so her parents thnk that he can do no wrng

Thanks once again every1 for all ur input.....

[psyah]

You're really smart, but this is the worst advice i've seen so far. (well nto worst worst but its pretty bad.)

Peace Sister Sara516

I like your posts for the honest and passionate feelings you put in them. I'm sorry it may have sounded a bit careless from me. The truth is ... it sounds like a story that is filtered through the eyes of the girls friend. Until the girl herself admits to the sadness and puts her hands up and says that she does not wanna live like that then her friend is only perceiving a problem that might not be there. The friend going quiet might be her growing up, the stopping of male friends may be her reasons and not due to anyone elses pressure.

I know my wife under no obligation started to treat everyone differently under no obligation.

It is bad advice, but I guess I had a moment of annoyance with the whole situation ... if people can get themselves into such situations they should live with it, or deal with it to get themselves out. If one intends to marry in Pak they have to remember that they need to understand that they will end up supporting the male for a while, in some cases for a long while, before he can get his feet in this environment. That is why generally speaking girls are more likely to seek spouses here first. I did say do du'a so in that respect it could be a good thing. If there is no rukhsati then there are less complications also, but it is family then the friend probably is not looking at the politics that the whole thing will cause if the marriage drops out.

The friend may get pushed away for interfering too.

[dil_cheez]

Peace Sister Sara516

I like your posts for the honest and passionate feelings you put in them. I'm sorry it may have sounded a bit careless from me. The truth is ... it sounds like a story that is filtered through the eyes of the girls friend. Until the girl herself admits to the sadness and puts her hands up and says that she does not wanna live like that then her friend is only perceiving a problem that might not be there. The friend going quiet might be her growing up, the stopping of male friends may be her reasons and not due to anyone elses pressure.

I know my wife under no obligation started to treat everyone differently under no obligation.

It is bad advice, but I guess I had a moment of annoyance with the whole situation ... if people can get themselves into such situations they should live with it, or deal with it to get themselves out. If one intends to marry in Pak they have to remember that they need to understand that they will end up supporting the male for a while, in some cases for a long while, before he can get his feet in this environment. That is why generally speaking girls are more likely to seek spouses here first. I did say do du'a so in that respect it could be a good thing. If there is no rukhsati then there are less complications also, but it is family then the friend probably is not looking at the politics that the whole thing will cause if the marriage drops out.

The friend may get pushed away for interfering too.

My frn being upset every other day and hardly taking to any1 (which dus not mean that she is growing up) and telling me all these things(there are loads of thngs that I havnt written) is how I know that there is a problem.

It is very easy to say that she shud try an get herself out of it, but it is very easy sitting there and reading about it but whn u are in a situation only u knw what u go thru.......

I am not interfering , I have just said to her make her own decision, but havn a lil input jus to say that watevr she dus ppl are here to support her will help