Confused

[Reha]

@daaskilam

Hi Guppies I have a situation and I am quite confused. I do not know whether I am an evil person or just plain insecure. The situation concerns my brother in law. I amnot in best of terms with him. Whenever he visit us both I and my hubby get in to fights. He is quite manipulative. Actually I think that my husband is more responsible for the mess. He always supports his brother and takes side of him. My brother in law in divorced and visit us quite often (every other month). All his visit are surprise visit at least I do not know in advance about them. I never know when he will come and when will he leave. I work full time and have 3 small kids, 1, 3 and 5 years.

When he come our schedule are completely changed. Hubby comes back from work and spend all his time with his brother. They eat together, go out for walk together and sit and chat way past midnight. Hubby only comes to the bedroom some times 1 AM and often past 2AM. I have complained to my hubby about this but, he turns around and tells me tumhe to mere ghar walon se problem hai. He did not change his routine or anything. Like they both have total disregard for my feelings. This has been going on for the past 2.5 weeks and despite my complains no change.

Today samething happened. I have not been feeling well. They left at 8 PM and came back at 1 AM. I was seething and when compalined we had a huge fight. Hubby said all kinds of mean and nasty things. Honestly I blame my husband for all this.

I do not know how to handle this situation.

Im sorry you’re going through all of this.

You have a few options:

-Get your BIL married as a few people have already suggested. Those who say its manipulative need to understand that you’re not going to tie him to a goat…you would obviously find a decent girl for him and he would have to approve the union as well.

-Apologize, ignore and deal with it.

-Invite your own family and friends over ALL the time just so he can get a taste of his own medicine. Its your home too. If his brother can come and just pretend like you run a charity then you can invite as many people as much as you want as well! Be casual about it but DO IT. Dump the kids on him as much as you can and have your own time. So far, you’re the only feeling the inconvenience of your BIL being in your home. In order for your husband to get it, he will have to be inconvenienced a little bit as well.

Personally, I find it a little shameless that your BIL just stays for weeks at a time at your place. I want to say to him “sharam nahin ati hai?”

@daaskilam

Thanks Nadz for the answer. I have tried talking to both hubby and my brother in law but, no use. If its not one thing then its another. Hubby is very protective of his brother I cannot complain or say even anything. Hubby takes his side and then baad mein tane marta hai ke u said this thing about my brother and turns really mean.

Agar aap apne shauhar ke bhai ki complain karogi to apke hubby kya apko mithai khilayenge? “begum, shabbash…kitni pyari baatein karti ho…aur karo”. NOOO! Never ever ever ever complain about your inlaws to your hubby…its useless. Apne payr pe kulhari marna.

@Mamaof3

Your hubby is not likely to change his protective feeling for his brother. The very best thing for you to do is to start an all-out and very aggressive campaign to get the brother-in-law married again. Best would be to get him married to someone that you like and approve of…make the whole family bigger and happier yeah?

:k:

@daaskilam

Icicle well said and that’s what I have tried. I have cooked nice meals many times. I cook at least one fresh main dish every night for them. As far as my brother in law going through a hard time well, his divorce was 10 years ago.So its not that he is going through a difficult time now. I do not mind their time together but if someone is a constant fixture in my home and my husband devotes all his time it bothers me. You can cook nice dinners and be extra special to a guest if its a short visit. Someone staying over 2 weeks …

As I mentioned above, I am struggling with my feeling. One moment I am sympathetic, angry, nice and guilty, another moment I dislike his constant presence in my home and hate my hubby’s altered attitude when his brother is around. I despise my husband double standards. One moment I feel that I am an evil person, another time I feel that they have total disregard for my feelings.

Im sure once they’re together, you feel like the outsider and the babysitter. Well, do something about it.

Leave the kids with him and BIL a couple of nights a week. I dont care what you do while they’re watching them…drive around in circles but do it. Say you have to tend to your parents for something or your friend needs you. SOMETHING, ANYTHING.