Hi Guppies I have a situation and I am quite confused. I do not know whether I am an evil person or just plain insecure. The situation concerns my brother in law. I amnot in best of terms with him. Whenever he visit us both I and my hubby get in to fights. He is quite manipulative. Actually I think that my husband is more responsible for the mess. He always supports his brother and takes side of him. My brother in law in divorced and visit us quite often (every other month). All his visit are surprise visit at least I do not know in advance about them. I never know when he will come and when will he leave. I work full time and have 3 small kids, 1, 3 and 5 years.
When he come our schedule are completely changed. Hubby comes back from work and spend all his time with his brother. They eat together, go out for walk together and sit and chat way past midnight. Hubby only comes to the bedroom some times 1 AM and often past 2AM. I have complained to my hubby about this but, he turns around and tells me tumhe to mere ghar walon se problem hai. He did not change his routine or anything. Like they both have total disregard for my feelings. This has been going on for the past 2.5 weeks and despite my complains no change.
Today samething happened. I have not been feeling well. They left at 8 PM and came back at 1 AM. I was seething and when compalined we had a huge fight. Hubby said all kinds of mean and nasty things. Honestly I blame my husband for all this.
Yeah may be but, this is what my situation is that's why I wrote confused in my tittle. My brother in law (Jeth) have been a constant sore in my married life. His influence and interference is tremendous in my life. Anyways do you have any suggestion to deal with this UNIQUE and STRANGE situation.
daas-sorry to hear this. yes its most def ur husband, not the BIL. maybe if you spoke to the BIL, it may make a diff. is he a nice guy in general? and i think hubby needs a good talking to, forget niceties, ask him how would you like it if my sister or brother came once every other month and stayed for ages and i gave them all my time?
Thanks Nadz for the answer. I have tried talking to both hubby and my brother in law but, no use. If its not one thing then its another. Hubby is very protective of his brother I cannot complain or say even anything. Hubby takes his side and then baad mein tane marta hai ke u said this thing about my brother and turns really mean.
Your hubby is not likely to change his protective feeling for his brother. The very best thing for you to do is to start an all-out and very aggressive campaign to get the brother-in-law married again. Best would be to get him married to someone that you like and approve of...make the whole family bigger and happier yeah?
Well, the first thing is. never come between siblings, because naturally they'll side with their siblings and you complaining about your BIL makes your husband resent you, which is damaging your relationship.
You said talking to them hasn't worked so no point in trying more of that.
Try to see it from your husband's point of view. You said your BIL is divorced. Maybe your husband just feels he needs to be there for his older brother since he's going through a difficult time and is lonely, so he is spending more time with him, especially if its recent.
Fighting wont do anything. In fact, be manipulative and super nice to both of them. With time your husband's desire to hang out with his brother all the time will fade.
Also, why does it bother you so much. Its just his brother? Its not another woman. As long as they're out and not doing uhm anything haram...two brothers hanging out should be ok. I think you should just give them space. Keep yourself busy in your kids and home. I know you work full time but maybe on the weekend cook them something nice? Your husband will appreciate you for being nice to your BIL, and they may decide to not go out. And its OK if they're just sitting out in the lounge talking. Trust me it could be a lot worse...
Just my two cents.
Icicle well said and that's what I have tried. I have cooked nice meals many times. I cook at least one fresh main dish every night for them. As far as my brother in law going through a hard time well, his divorce was 10 years ago.So its not that he is going through a difficult time now. I do not mind their time together but if someone is a constant fixture in my home and my husband devotes all his time it bothers me. You can cook nice dinners and be extra special to a guest if its a short visit. Someone staying over 2 weeks ......
As I mentioned above, I am struggling with my feeling. One moment I am sympathetic, angry, nice and guilty, another moment I dislike his constant presence in my home and hate my hubby's altered attitude when his brother is around. I despise my husband double standards. One moment I feel that I am an evil person, another time I feel that they have total disregard for my feelings.
Your hubby is not likely to change his protective feeling for his brother. **The very best thing for you to do is to start an all-out and very aggressive campaign to get the brother-in-law married again. **Best would be to get him married to someone that you like and approve of...make the whole family bigger and happier yeah?
I agree that your brother in law needs to have something significant going on in his own life, with the greatest of respect he needs to 'get a life' because he seems to live his around your family. There is nothing wrong with him coming to stay with you guys, he is your hubbys brother so he has every right to spend time with him - but if it's affecting your family in the way you say it is and your husband is acting like a bachelor when he is around then something does need to be done.
Is his presence affecting the quality time that your children get to spend with their father?
Thanks AmorAmor! Yes definitely it is affecting our life tremendously in more than one respect. Not only hubby is not spending enough time (well, enough is an understatement) as he hardly spend any time with us.
I try to be as understanding as possible but, it bothers me a lot.
Your hubby is not likely to change his protective feeling for his brother. The very best thing for you to do is to start an all-out and very aggressive campaign to get the brother-in-law married again. Best would be to get him married to someone that you like and approve of...make the whole family bigger and happier yeah?
Yes.
Find him a woman.
Your husband is probably overprotective for something you might have done or said which made him think you do not like your BIL.
To have harmony, slowly change your attitude and show you care for his family too.
Say something good for his family once in a while.
Say gently sorry and make a good meal for all of you.
You will be able to make your case better if he develop positive feeling for you.
I work full time and have 3 small kids, 1, 3 and 5 years.
When he come our schedule are completely changed.
I was seething and when complained we had a huge fight. Hubby said all kinds of mean and nasty things. Honestly I blame my husband for all this.
I do not know how to handle this situation.
It would be awesome, as mentioned by Mama of 3, if you BIL got married. But who knows when that will happen (maybe he's not ready to get remarried) and until he does, you'll have to deal with it. I wonder, does your BIL have a job.?
I don't know how you're communicating your concerns with your husband. But u mentioned a couple of times in your post about "complaining" to your husband.....and complaining (so hard not to do it) makes the other person defensive. Maybe when you complain to your husband....the tone of your voice and maybe your words might give him the impression that you blame his brother....that you don't like your BIL...maybe it comes across as judgmental to your husband.
Instead of complaining, try talking calmly to your husband. First and foremost, explain to him that you don't hate his brother......that you sympathize with him being recently divorced, and that you understand it's important for him to support his brother and spend time with him. If you tell him this first, he may feel more open to listening. Then tell you miss him. I'd think that should touch him more than the nagging and accusing. Tell him you work full time and then you get busy with kids and you feel so drained by the end of the day. Ask him if he could help you out at home. Be proactive, ask him if the two of you can sit down and work out a schedule that will leave you feeling less exhausted.....and will accommodate time for the family.
I don't know if this idea will be helpful. But does your BIL spend time with your kids? Get him to help the kids out with homework when he's over...or maybe he could watch the kids while you and your husband spend time together. Try to be friendly toward your BIL, make the effort to talk to him....so that he doesn't feel you hate him......and when your husband sees that you're making an effort...maybe he'll be more compliant.
The OP hasn't expressed a desire to get her BIL married. She's not making any life-altering decisions for him. She feels that her own life is out of whack and is trying to find some sort of solution.
I was referring to you and Mamaof3 who are basically suggesting a manipulative strategy without taking the brother in laws best interests to heart.
I also put in parentheses that maybe the brother-in-law is not ready to get married. So, I was taking into consideration his possible feelings as well. I did not have any manipulative intentions.